In a serious relationship but in love with someone else

Hi,

I have been in a serious relationship now for a year and a half, i love the woman i'm with and care about her a lot but previous to meeting her i was in love with someone else for a very long time but she had a boyfriend. Even tho i know she really liked me she would of never left her bf, i had to accept this and move on even tho i still loved her very much i had to push those feelings to one side so i could get on with my life. I met my gf about a year after this and started dating, everything was great for about a year until the woman who i was previously in love with split up with her bf, and made it very clear to me that she wants me. We have had convos about all this and about how we feel about each other and even tho i'm with someone i constantly think about the other and i have no idea what to do, i care about my gf a lot she is a amazing girl who loves me very much but i cant help still having feelings for the other woman and its becoming a problem. The woman who i was previously in love with and still am in love with, i have known for 10 years and have always been very close with so i care about her a lot and she also cars about me very much and has pretty much told me that if i was single she would want to be with me. Im stuck on what to do....

If it's meant to happen, it will. For her to still try to talk to you knowing you're in a relationship is disrespectful and do you want that kind of person? If you don't want to be with your girlfriend, then break up with her. She doesn't deserve to be second while you're always thinking about this other person.

Even though you have held a torch for so long, make sure you are not just a shoulder to cry on or a rebound.

everything was great for about a year until the woman who i was previously in love with split up with her bf, and made it very clear to me that she wants me.

its been 2 years since she split with her bf, shes over him and has dated other guys but she has realized what she could of had with me.

So unfair to your girlfriend. You shouldn't be having conversations with this other girl about being together, and really shouldn't even be friends with her since you have feelings. Dangerous territory there. I agree with the above poster who said that it's disrespectful of this other girl to be telling you these things when you have a girlfriend, and I would say that her morals sound questionable. So do yours, quite honestly. I would be DEVASTATED if I found out a boyfriend of mine wanted someone else, much less was communicating with her. You need to choose. Just know that if you don't choose your girlfriend, it's highly probable that the grass won't be greener, and you won't deserve her back if things don't work out with the other girl. If you do choose your girlfriend, then you need to drop any and all contact with this other girl and try to forget about her. Do the right thing here and don't be that guy.

How long have you been communicating with her? Have you met up with her? It sounds like emotional cheating. Do you want her disrupting what you have with your current gf?

the woman who i was previously in love with split up with her bf, and made it very clear to me that she wants me. We have had convos about all this and about how we feel about each other. its been 2 years since she split with her bf, shes over him and has dated other guys but she has realized what she could of had with me.

This woman had her chance, if she cared so much about you she would have gone for you way way way before ten years. Having a boyfriend was only an excuse, again, if she cared so much she would have easily left them for you.

This woman sounds selfish, she wasn't sure about you for a very long time, she chose other men over you and now that you have someone and you are happy, she wants to ruin it.

You have no idea how things will be with this woman, you two might not even be compatible when it comes to romance.

I really do think all of it is bs, ten years is a long time to go circles and it seems very fickle.

The woman you are with now sounds like shes been a good woman to you, and she does not deserve any of this. She has proven to be a good partner to you and deserves respect and love.

I would say ditch the home wrecker, she had her chance ten million times over and didn't want you.

End it with the gf. It is totally unfair.

You do realize that you are cheating on you gf. Right!

If it's meant to happen, it will. For her to still try to talk to you knowing you're in a relationship is disrespectful and do you want that kind of person? If you don't want to be with your girlfriend, then break up with her. She doesn't deserve to be second while you're always thinking about this other person.

They are both disrespectful, as he was doing the same when she was involved. They deserve one another.

I predict that you will go for this "friend" but it won't be any good and you will be sorry that you lost your gf but she does deserve better than this anyhow.

Please let go of your current girlfriend so she can be with someone who is trustworthy, loyal and makes her their number 1.

You're only holding onto your girlfriend because you're fearful that things may not work out with the other woman. What you're doing is extremely selfish and dishonest.

Remember, what goes around, comes around.

It's unfortunate that no matter what he does, his girlfriend is going to end up hurt. If he breaks up with her, she's going to get hurt and probably won't understand what the problem is. If he stays with her and keeps talking to this other woman, or even quits talking to her but holds onto feelings, his gf will eventually get hurt. She's in a bad position ether way, and I feel for her. Guys, if you're "in love" with someone unattainable, it's really not fair to then start a relationship with someone else and end up breaking that person's heart.

she.. has pretty much told me that if i was single she would want to be with me.

If she'll do it with you, she'll do it to you.

I feel so badly for your girlfriend.

So true Dahl!! I very much doubt that you're the only man she has pulled this with OP..you're making up a big huge fantasy when the truth is, this "friend" has been with many men since she knew you and could have easily broken up with any of them if she felt so much for you, but she didn't want to, that's ten years worth!!

I bet if you even do consider her, she will have some other guy somewhere (maybe even an ex) that she is talking with the same way and telling him that if only she was single.

Women like this really burn me, she was never serious about you and just wants someone so she's not alone.

I have a feeling you won't believe any of us and will need to go through all of it before you believe, but you won't find anything good with this woman. You will find a lot of disappointment and the fantasy you created will truly only be a fantasy.

I also feel so sorry for your girlfriend, she doesn't deserve any of this, but perhaps a better man can treat her better and be better to her than you.

well...now everyone has ripped the other girl to shreds im going to offer another perspective.

i am in the same boat as that ''other girl' with a friend i have known for a long time. We like each other the same as you and her do, and both of us have been in relationships.

i split up with my bf late last year, and he (the friend) began to tell me about the problems in his relationship. we didnt meet up because, as people have said, it isnt fair etc etc, not until he decided to split with his gf.

the thing is, human beings are attracted to each other and they do connect... its quite self righteous for people to slag off the 'friend' saying that she'll cheat if they get together, thats rubbish! these two people BOTH like each other, that doesnt make her a sinister untrustworthy person, she is letting him know how she feels.

It is a dilemma though and basically down to you deciding whether you want to stay in your relationship or not. Its true that it isnt fair on your gf to stay and then be talking to the friend, so you are going to need to make a decision, either stay and stop talking about a chance of a relationship with the friend, or leave the relationship and see what happens...

So true Dahl!! I very much doubt that you're the only man she has pulled this with OP..you're making up a big huge fantasy when the truth is, this "friend" has been with many men since she knew you and could have easily broken up with any of them if she felt so much for you, but she didn't want to, that's ten years worth!!

 

I bet if you even do consider her, she will have some other guy somewhere (maybe even an ex) that she is talking with the same way and telling him that if only she was single.

Women like this really burn me, she was never serious about you and just wants someone so she's not alone.

I have a feeling you won't believe any of us and will need to go through all of it before you believe, but you won't find anything good with this woman. You will find a lot of disappointment and the fantasy you created will truly only be a fantasy.

I also feel so sorry for your girlfriend, she doesn't deserve any of this, but perhaps a better man can treat her better and be better to her than you.

wow... dont you think you might be projecting your own feelings on to this woman that you know nothing about?

wow... dont you think you might be projecting your own feelings on to this woman that you know nothing about?

No. But given your aims to be the other woman in your own life, you may be better suited at identifying projection.

The best indicator of future behavior is relevant past behavior.

Justify it all you like.

Won't change the results.

If she'll do it with you, she'll do it to you.

 

I feel so badly for your girlfriend.

so why didnt you say 'you'll do it to your girlfriend, you'll do it to everyone else you meet'?? you can judge people on one situation and then make all these accusations about people being untrustworthy!

so let me get this straight, 'she' is the homewrecker and he is the innocent red riding hood being lured into grandma's house right? OK... i love it how people like to blame and judge rather than accept that here are two people having equal conversations and both talking about a future together... not one 'luring' the other.... that makes him sound like a victim...and i think hes a grown man with his own mind.

No. But given your aims to be the other woman in your own life, you may be better suited at identifying projection.

 

The best indicator of future behavior is relevant past behavior.

 

Justify it all you like.

 

Won't change the results.

haha, is that my aim? did you figure that out because i said me and my friend like each other and didnt get together until he split up with his girlfriend?

the best predictor of future behaviour are the two people whos behaviour it relates to, not someone with a tiny piece of information and a crystal ball.

so why didnt you say 'you'll do it to your girlfriend, you'll do it to everyone else you meet'?? you can judge people on one situation and then make all these accusations about people being untrustworthy!

 

so let me get this straight, 'she' is the homewrecker and he is the innocent red riding hood being lured into grandma's house right? OK... i love it how people like to blame and judge rather than accept that here are two people having equal conversations and both talking about a future together... not one 'luring' the other.... that makes him sound like a victim...and i think hes a grown man with his own mind.

Why so hysterical?

haha, is that my aim? did you figure that out because i said me and my friend like each other and didnt get together until he split up with his girlfriend?

 

the best predictor of future behaviour are the two people whos behaviour it relates to, not someone with a tiny piece of information and a crystal ball.

I think that you may be projecting.

so why didnt you say 'you'll do it to your girlfriend, you'll do it to everyone else you meet'?? you can judge people on one situation and then make all these accusations about people being untrustworthy!

 

so let me get this straight, 'she' is the homewrecker and he is the innocent red riding hood being lured into grandma's house right? OK... i love it how people like to blame and judge rather than accept that here are two people having equal conversations and both talking about a future together... not one 'luring' the other.... that makes him sound like a victim...and i think hes a grown man with his own mind.

They are BOTH at fault. I don't think anyone here is making him seem like the poor victim. He's the one who is doing his girlfriend wrong. She (the "other woman") certainly lacks morals, and women shouldn't do this kind of thing to one another!! But that is completely separate from the fact the OP is crapping on his current girlfriend. They both suck, IMO.

Why so hysterical?

Oh i see.... you need to try and deflect to take away from the fact that youre being very judgemental... thats fine, i've got it now

Oh i see.... you need to try and deflect to take away from the fact that youre being very judgemental... thats fine, i've got it now

I think these words do not mean what you think they mean.

I haven't read all the responses but this is clearly "emotional cheating" which is almost as bad as "physical cheating" IMHO.