Lack of Affection or Effort?

Perhaps I'm too sensitive, maybe missing the important bits; me and my boyfriend have been together a little over 3 years, reaching 4 this June. At the beginning everything was... Well, we were in our 'honeymoon' phase as they call it. He's not an overly affectionate guy, and I can appreciate that, except... Its not a case of tiny amounts of affection, its the case of no affection, whatsoever. If I go to hug or even give him a kiss on the cheek, he moves away or groans. Its like he just doesn't want to know, except for when its the weekend and he's in the mood to... How to say... Get in with the act. Then he's all kiss-y and huggy.

I don't quite understand it really.

Its also like he doesn't have time for me if I'm away (I visit my dad's every fortnight) and when I'm over here there's limited contact, if at all. He 'forgets' to contact me or doesn't notice, except for when he wants something -- for example, something typing up for him which he really should do for work -- in which case I'll do it, send it over. Normally, I'll get a thanks and that he loved it and all that. Unfortunately, today of all days, I got nothing until I sent him a message via Skype asking if he was going to let me know if it was okay.

All I got was 'Very good, loved it'. No thank you.

Despite this, he still manages to chat to others. And that's what annoys me, really. He notices other people talking to him and will spend hours speaking to them. Even when I'm at home with him, we rarely talk -- the PC comes first and those he speaks to. He talks to another woman from a different country for hours, even on his breaks during work - if she's awake - and if not her, someone else. I'm lucky to get one text. It makes me wonder what'd happen if I didn't bother sending the first one. Today, i got a text in the morning which was wishing me happy valentines day which was an amazing surprise and brought a smile to my face. Then I typed up his work document and that was it. I had to send a message over Skype asking if it was okay, around 6:30pm, when I finished the completed stuff at 2:30pm in time for him to get home from work at 4:15pm. We rarely go out -- he doesn't like fancy, romantic meals and compliments never happen, though I always praise him if he's done good on something. I make an effort to look 'nice' when we do go out -- as rare as that may be -- or if I've got an interview for a job.

The last thing I was told when I made myself presentable for an interview was that 'I looked like a prostitute'. Nice. I wasn't even wearing a lot of makeup -- just some gloss, foundation and a hint of mascara. Its just inconsiderate and not very thoughtful, really.

Am I missing something..? I just feel so taken for granted at times, and like that it doesn't really matter. When I'm at my dad's it just feels like he's happy i'm not there and is quite content talking to these people Online and I'm just second best. It wouldn't surprise me if one day I decided to not text and I didn't hear from him all day. I mean... I send him a goodnight message and his nightly routine is saying goodnight to people, but for some reason, he just skims past me.

I apologize for the length of this post.

It sounds like he takes you for granted. After 3.5 yrs, when did this start? How long have lived together? Stop doing everything for him. Stop depending on him for reassurances. They come from within.

The hooker remark and him chatting women up online all day shows he zero respect for you, why tolerate this?

You are allowing this by having sex without affection, letting him ignore you and chat with women all day and being his mom, maid, secretary, cook, etc. Stop doing all this. Get out of the house much much more with work, school, clubs, groups, volunteering, your friends, family, etc and don't text him or answer texts when you're out. Start enriching yourself and your life.

You are smothering each other and over-saturating this. You both need a lot more room to breathe.

its the case of no affection, whatsoever. Its like he just doesn't want to know, except for when its the weekend and he's in the mood to...Even when I'm at home with him, we rarely talk -- the PC comes first and those he speaks to. He talks to another woman from a different country for hours. We rarely go out -- he doesn't like fancy, romantic meals and compliments never happen, though I always praise him if he's done good on something. I make an effort to look 'nice' when we do go out -- as rare as that may be -- or if I've got an interview for a job.

Loving someone is only one component of being in a satisfying relationship. There are many more major needs to consider if you want a great lifetime partner. Perhaps you thought his unaffectionate ways weren't a deal breaker when he was at his best at the beginning of the honeymoon period. Now, you're not happy with the lack of affection. You are not a priority. Yes, people have friends, but when a partner's time spent with others is unbalanced, whereas everyone else gets a far bigger chunk than you, then you can clearly see where you stand.

Communication is key. Tell him you want affection, even on the days there will be no sex. Give concrete instructions. Tell him you want him to reach for your hand when you go shopping. Tell him you want him to put his arm around you when you're cuddled on the couch, watching t.v. When you word it like this, instead of "you never," you should have good results if he cares. Tell him you want more of his time and emotional energy than a long distance friend. If he makes excuses and doesn't make any effort, you will have your answer. He doesn't care, and must be cowardly or lazy and can't bring himself to do the breaking up himself.

You have to be clear that you're no longer okay with how things are in the relationship. Always remember that you are the treasure, and if someone doesn't treat you like gold, then you will walk away. Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. Your heart and brain have to match, and if they don't, you're settling. Take care and let us know how it goes.

It's hard to respect a doormat and unfortunately that's exactly what you've become in this relationship. Dull, boring, mommy to a grown man, willing to put up with anything or nothing at all really.

Why on earth are you doing his work for him??? I mean like...really.....wth...... I'd understand if he is paying you and you need the extra money, but it sounds like you are just doing it for a thank you. What are you doing??!!! That's crazy. He needs to do his job. You need to go back to being the woman you were when you two first met. Have your own life, your own friends, your own interests. Expect and demand more from him than this kind of lousy nothingness.

Look, it may not be romantic, but real long term relationships are not like rom coms. It's all about negotiation and enforcing your boundaries and needs and standing by them. If you don't, you'll end up exactly with the kind of a lazy louse who totally takes you for granted and why shouldn't he? You accept that kind of treatment.

Even those who love you will push your boundaries and see what they can and cannot get away with because all people are fundamentally lazy and selfish to various degrees. If your response is to roll over and offer even more than asked and you really don't seem to have boundaries....well....even the nicest person in the world will lose respect for you and eventually, with respect gone, interest goes too.

Side on the affection thing. Nothing confusing at all. He doesn't seem into it, or at least not with you, and will only imitate affection when he needs to get laid. A tool to an end. If you are fine with that, then it is what it is. If you are not, maybe consider that you need to find a man who is more aligned with you when it comes to this kind of basic compatibility. You can't make someone who is not affectionate become affectionate toward you.

him chatting women up online all day .

He's not actually chatting her up, that I will defend him on -- of all my doubts, him cheating isn't one of them as I know he wouldn't. But, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt that this woman comes first before me when we're chatting - or well, not chatting.

Tell him you want affection, even on the days there will be no sex.

He knows that I like affection. The conversation has come up countless number of times and each time he'll say he'll try but he'll try for maybe a month before it reverts back to how it was -- nil.

As for how it used to be, it used to be amazing -- there was affection at most times, simply from holding hands to simply cuddling on the couch without the distraction of TV. Now it seems the PC comes first. And I do try to stand up for myself, but whenever I do, its like he has a complete tantrum and snaps -- demands that he can do what he wants or something else. Its like talking to a brick wall. The perfect example would be last week when I said that no more takeaways, due to it being ridiculous how many he gets and that its always me who gets the end of the stick from his parents for it -- wasting food and bank statements ect -- they always blame or complain to me about it as if I am somehow responsible for what he spends his money on.

He completely lost it -- saying that its not up to me and that he can get what he wants; he's had a rubbish week at work and wants to treat himself. I wouldn't care, but he has take aways maybe 3 or 4 times a week.

He's not actually chatting her up, that I will defend him on -- of all my doubts, him cheating isn't one of them as I know he wouldn't. But, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt that this woman comes first before me when we're chatting - or well, not chatting.

 

 

 

He knows that I like affection. The conversation has come up countless number of times and each time he'll say he'll try but he'll try for maybe a month before it reverts back to how it was -- nil.

 

As for how it used to be, it used to be amazing -- there was affection at most times, simply from holding hands to simply cuddling on the couch without the distraction of TV. Now it seems the PC comes first. And I do try to stand up for myself, but whenever I do, its like he has a complete tantrum and snaps -- demands that he can do what he wants or something else. Its like talking to a brick wall. The perfect example would be last week when I said that no more takeaways, due to it being ridiculous how many he gets and that its always me who gets the end of the stick from his parents for it -- wasting food and bank statements ect -- they always blame or complain to me about it as if I am somehow responsible for what he spends his money on.

 

He completely lost it -- saying that its not up to me and that he can get what he wants; he's had a rubbish week at work and wants to treat himself. I wouldn't care, but he has take aways maybe 3 or 4 times a week.

......but that's not standing up for yourself....that's trying to play mommy and tell a grown adult what he can and cannot do. Of course he won't tolerate that and he shouldn't. It seems like his parents are pushing you to mommy him too. I suggest you learn how to smile, nod and tune them out. Better yet, distance yourself. It's not healthy for them to be so involved in your lives.

He is correct in that he works and he gets to spend his money how it pleases him. If it pleases him to eat take out 4 times a week, that's on him so long as he otherwise pays his share of the bills.

Why on earth are you trying to control what the man eats???

Why are his parents complaining when you are supporting their lazyass son? Stop mommying this man. Read up on Peter Pan Syndrome: Peter Pan Syndrome

I said that no more takeaways, due to it being ridiculous how many he gets and that its always me who gets the end of the stick from his parents for it -- wasting food and bank statements ect -- they always blame or complain to me.

He is correct in that he works and he gets to spend his money how it pleases him. If it pleases him to eat take out 4 times a week, that's on him so long as he otherwise pays his share of the bills.

 

Why on earth are you trying to control what the man eats???

I'm not trying to control what he eats at all, but I realize that its not healthy to eat junk food every single day when i'm able to cook proper food. Expected to, even. He's 25 and only just started paying board. Its not a case of trying to control his eating habits at all, but I'm not daft enough to accept that if he /does/ order, it gives him tremendous stomach ache and has him complaining for the best part of the evening.

I accept that its his choice and I say as much -- i just don't agree with it as its always me who gets the negative side of his parents and honestly, I can't be bothered for being blamed for his laziness. As I had said, I'd explained to him that its not him it comes back to. It's me. The same when he doesn't clean out his own Gecko.

As you rightly said -- its like i'm being a mom' to him; i clean the room, i wash his clothes and I clean out his pet along with buying her the food she eats.

But there are good points to him -- I can't deny that -- like I recently lost one of my furry friends (maybe that's making me more sensitive) and he comforted me while I cried it out and when his mother was griping at me for... I can't even remember -- something about getting the washing out fast enough and how I was going wrong at work -- he came down to tell me to go upstairs and he'll finish up. I suppose he stuck up for me in that respect. He does have good points, as I said, but at the moment the bad points stick out like a sore thumb.

So you are playing mommy to a 25 year old man child with overbearing parents without boundaries. I mean....wow....do you change his diapers too? I'm not trying to be mean to you I'm trying to snap you into waking up and giving some serious thought into what on earth you are doing.

Why are his parents in your life like this? Are you living with them?

Also....for his good points....like really? His good points are basically what absolutely ANY human being would do under the circumstances.... I am sorry but you really couldn't set the bar lower for yourself if you tried.

So you are playing mommy to a 25 year old man child with overbearing parents without boundaries. I mean....wow....do you change his diapers too? I'm not trying to be mean to you I'm trying to snap you into waking up and giving some serious thought into what on earth you are doing.

 

Why are his parents in your life like this? Are you living with them?

 

Also....for his good points....like really? His good points are basically what absolutely ANY human being would do under the circumstances.... I am sorry but you really couldn't set the bar lower for yourself if you tried.

I understand what you're saying and -- unfortunately -- we do live with them. He can't afford his own place at the moment and neither can I. I've got some inheritance money left over which /might/ be enough for a deposit but that's about it. As for being mean, don't worry about it. Honestly. I prefer the harsh truth than sugar-coated lies In the end, I know I'm in a bad situation but unsure how to sort it out. Unfortunately, I've no where to go -- its not the case of packing a few bags and moving. It's the case of packing around 10 bags and taking 3 trains for a 3-4 hour trip in order to get back to my dad's where my original home is, as I don't drive.

Buy a car with that money and move back home or get your own apt.

I've got some inheritance money left over. I've no where to go -- its not the case of packing a few bags and moving. It's the case of packing around 10 bags and taking 3 trains for a 3-4 hour trip in order to get back to my dad's where my original home is, as I don't drive.

So you plan to stay with a guy who doesn't care for you because you don't want to pack?

Does this make sense?

Buy a car with that money and move back home or get your own apt.

Its really not that simple - yes, buy a car, but before that I have to learn to drive, get insurance, ect.

It all costs money and by the time I've managed to get to that point, I could be either in a worse position, or have no money left to get my own place. I don't want to be 30 years of age and be living with my father. The inheritance money isn't that much at all. As a family, we're not well off - it'd maybe pay a sixth, or if lucky, a third of a mortgage. I am learning to drive, but I fear that is where a lot of the money will be going, along with board, bills, ect.

I had a job to support this, but I was recently let go and am currently having to search for work again

So you plan to stay with a guy who doesn't care for you because you don't want to pack?

 

Does this make sense?

No, that isn't what I meant -- i have nowhere to go, true. I want to stay with him for the good points, but ultimately I'm trying to get over the bad to be able to... I don't know. Honestly, at the moment i'm in a low mood. Not rationalizing. But at the end of the day I'm sick and tired of babying him and worrying that whenever I try to stand up for myself it turns into a huge argument. Perhaps I'm worried about being alone. Perhaps I'm worried about something else, I really don't know anymore.

In the end, I know that if I stand up for myself, it'll end up in heated arguments in limited privacy because his parents will hear; there's little to no time to ourselves - and only ourselves - that we can cherish.

Do you want to be 30 living with the bf his family and no car, no license, no income? You have to start somewhere to be more independent. If his folks support you, you really have no say in matters. And you should be compensating by helping out more.

buy a car, but before that I have to learn to drive, get insurance, ect. I don't want to be 30 years of age and be living with my father. I was recently let go and am currently having to search for work again

Absolutely not -- As stated, I'm currently searching for work and, if the results of the recent interview have anything to go by, have managed to land a new job. As for his parents supporting me, I pay board like I should and as I expect to do. I wouldn't live there without paying /something/ toward the living costs. That's just not how I work. Hell, I paid not only my board but /his/ board last month without him even knowing. A poor judgement call on my part, but I was sick of hearing his parents nag and nag, and nag some more about it.

I'm not helping him at all by doing what I'm doing but... Bah. It's the last time I'll be paying for his living expenses. As for helping out more -- I do my fair share of housework to help out as much as I can. I don't sit around doing absolutely nothing -- I do chores around the home, cook for both myself and my boyfriend and keep our living space tidy. They don't have to do a thing for him except for making sure he's eating well when I'm not around and at my dad's.

I'd say to start bringing a bag of your stuff every time you visit your dad and start applying for jobs in your hometown. If you haven't gotten an education to be able to support yourself in a career, I'd look into scholarships to do so. At least your father would probably understand if you lived with him temporarily while you got back on track. With this life experience of seeing what you don't want, you will learn what you do want. The bad outweighs the good here. Most people have good traits, but in his case, like I said before, you're settling. Good luck.

Oh, so you want to stay because you're really enjoying your role as his personal bank/maid/cook/sex provider? Because he hugged you when you lost a pet? Or, is it one of those "I don't want the past three years to be for nothing" situations?

I haven't read a single positive thing about this relationship that you've written. It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself things are not so bad because you have nowhere else to go. And because you don't want to be "alone".

And Andrina brings up a good point. If you have no transportation how are you getting to your dad's every fortnight?

Oh, so you want to stay because you're really enjoying your role as his personal bank/maid/cook/sex provider? Because he hugged you when you lost a pet? Or, is it one of those "I don't want the past three years to be for nothing" situations?

 

I haven't read a single positive thing about this relationship that you've written. It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself things are not so bad because you have nowhere else to go. And because you don't want to be "alone".

 

And Andrina brings up a good point. If you have no transportation how are you getting to your dad's every fortnight?

To get to my dad's, I get the train (or 3x trains) without baggage; only a single bag which carries my necessities for the duration of the trip.

As for convincing myself and not wanting to be alone -- perhaps half of it is true, but the other half is hoping that my pessimistic personality is seeing only the negatives rather than the positives; he's hardworking and dedicated to earning his wage, but at the same time he doesn't spend his wage rightly. On the other hand itss not up to me what he spends his money on. Truthfully, i'm so used to just rolling on my back and accepting what is, than what could be that I've forgotten how to be my own person and I know its time I bucked up and gained that confidence; my mother was an alcoholic who used to expose my weaknesses terribly. I lost her about 2 years ago and before that I was in another, negative relationship.

Unfortunately, its difficult for a leopard to change the spots she was born with; i've always been incredibly laid back and placid and, in that sense, submissive. Upon showing the more confident side, its often met with negativity and aggressiveness and its my own fault that its being taken advantage of.

I suppose, in a way, yes - its afraid of being alone but also the uncertainty of where to go from there and the unknowing on whether i'm giving up too soon.

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