Was the chemistry ever there? Is it important?

Tl;dr Hi! So I've felt a bit of an emotional mess recently, and typed out all my feelings this morning (see below). It ended up pretty long haha so feel free NOT to read, but essentially I'm seeing a guy I think is amazing but for some reason don't feel quite connected to and wondering if I should move on or whether it is commitment phobia or fear of intimacy? Thanks for your time x

Longer version: (reading it back now is so cringey, eurgh, sorry)

So, 2016 has been weird. Several guys have wanted to get serious with me. (Just to emphasise, I'm 20 and this never happens, due to unrequited love from me or the Man, fierce independence (aka. fear of relationships on my part) or infuriating indecision.)

I do (think I) want a relationship, so this seems like a terrific 'problem'. They're all kind and interesting so I should be counting my lucky stars, right? In March I found a guy (B1) I so suddenly clicked with. I knew I wanted to be with just him. Thank God the feeling was mutual for once! Knowledge of him graduating (I'm at uni) soon eased my anxiety about the seeming permanence of relationships because that provided me with a justified 'escape button' if I so needed one. I therefore felt safe to jump right in and the water was oh so warm.

However, I like alone time and he is particularly clingy. Over some time apart over the holiday, he got confused (and/or needy) and ended up leaving me for another girl. I cried for a fortnight, then returned to the grey and empty, but familiar and safe, embrace of singledom and Rationality. He soon dumped the Other Woman and wanted me back, but I'd moved on. I was fine?

Did a bit of casual sex, fell for one guy and the other fell for me: the classic 'I want what I can't have, not what I can.' Ho hum.

Some other guys were interested, and I decided I might as well give this B2 (the label sounds so cold but I get quite (too?) analytical about these things) a go. I felt really comfortable with him and like he 'got me' as with B1, but I respected B2 far more. However I felt he was too clingy/too into me/too reminiscent of B1, and so had this odd feeling of resistance to him kissing me, which doesn't make a fab start to a relationship. I still wonder now whether I should give him another chance, but haven't aired these doubts to potentially avoid upsetting him with indecision again. 😞 He really would have made a good boyfriend...

Anyway, in September I started long-distance dating B3. I really enjoy talking to him, but didn't feel the connection at first. I rationalised about how wonderful he was so went for another date, but I still didn't feel the 'click'. We had sex anyway, which was rather fabby. It felt both the most and least connected sex I've had: he didn't connect with my General Self as with B1 or B2, but I felt I connected with him more emotionally/sexually/spiritually/morally, as pretentious as that sounds, and it only feels strange because I only ever really show my slightly whack exterior to people?

Anyway, after the fourth weekend I saw him, I explained how I didn't feel we 'clicked' enough and maybe we should stop seeing each other. (I like to decide things sooner rather than later to avoid pain.) He said how he was pretty into me and personally wanted to wait and see until after the holidays how things were, as we still didn't know each other that well. It seemed reasonable so I agreed. Sharing our feelings fused us further and we had the best and most connected sex ever, so that helped.

I saw him the week after and definitely felt closer, but still felt that we hadn't clicked. To me, there still seemed a mismatch and distance, which my trusted shaman best friend also picked up on, especially in comparison to how I got on with B1. Maybe I'm simply taking many of his amazing qualities and mushing them together in a Man Model to convince myself he must be right, when the fundamental connection just isn't there. Hmm. I might also like the distance because it protects my heart: I can have the companionship and intimacy without and real emotional investment. Perfect? Nah

I still feel B2 might have been better, but perhaps my fears of intimacy are holding me back from B3, as I feel we could have an even deeper connection. I don't know. It's so strange.

It's not as though I never feel certainty. I feel it quite regularly, but only when I am uncertain of the guy's feelings for me, it seems. Recently I have also had a major crush on a friend of a friend, after he started sending me mixed signals. Then, I was sure I wanted to be with him, until he didn't want to be with me. There are also three other guys I am pretty attracted to who definitely aren't not interested in me...

Why would I be looking elsewhere if I were happy with B3? It can't be right, but maybe this is self sabotage defence mechanisms against intimacy kicking in. (I had a really emotionally unavailable mother. She was nice enough but I think has learning disabilities/depression which makes it impossible for her to really connect with anyone or nurture me as a kid, so there's that. That's also where my almost obsessive self reliance and intimacy aversion came from, as I became my own, and my sister's, mother. Bit sad.)

I've always been dreamy, wishing for a life partner right here right now. Maybe this is what has tripped me up. I can and will never know who my life partner is within 2 dates! I should focus on one thing at a time: a man I click with, who treats me well and I respect. That is much easier to find and fulfil. But that was B2 so why did I have a strange feeling of aversion to him?? Maybe I just saw him as a good friend? Attraction is weird. What is love. I just don't want to hurt any guy. I should be a nun.

Seek therapy. You have fear of intimacy which manifest itself as a pattern. Your sexual experiences seem impulsive and at the moment yet you always seek the safety of being single. After reading about your mother and your feelings, I would highly recommend therapy.

Lol geez. Where's the fire?? Haha sounds like you really do want something to "happen" right now instead of really thinking of the future.

Nothing wrong with any of your feelings, but like I said....where's the fire? Don't rush it and if something seems off...yo with your gut.

Have fun right now. You're young. That being said, the guys are young as well. Wait. Wait until you are SURE you found what your gut tells you is the right one. But have FUN! This is your life and you seem like you WAY over think things. (Including your writing!) which is fine by the way.

Anyways, you're not gonna get anywhere by playing it safe. You gotta take risks.

Getting hurt is something EVERYONE goes through. Especially when we're young! It will make you the person you will GROW into, and it will show you EXACTLY what kind of person you want!

By all means, make mistakes, but LEARN from them. Regret nothing. A lesson learned is priceless.

Unfortunately it's a waste of time for everyone involved to date when there is no attraction.

You may want to leave B1, B2 and B3 behind and date guys you are interested in as well as attracted to. Don't string people along, just move on.

If you want casual sex or short term relationships that's fine to. You can do fwb, hookups, or whatever suits you, it's your life. No one has a gun to your head for "commitmentphobia"

Dude, you're 20. This post reads like a 45-year old, thrice divorced woman who just got done binge watching the entire series of Sex and the City.

You're supposed to be learning how to be independent and how to be happy single, not arbitrarily labeling yourself because you just hit 20 and don't have a husband and house to show for it.

I'd seriously consider taking a long break from dating. This ain't any way to live out your youth.

^^^^ What everyone else said. Please don't give in to the whole "You have to married or you're nothing" crowd mindthink. Or you'll end up like me and be divorced 10 years later feeling guilty that you wasted a good guy's time on a marriage that wasn't right for either of you, because you both were just kids who should have known better than to just up and marry the first seemingly good prospect out there.

We got lucky at least in that we never did anything to hurt the other, we were just horrible mismatches for each other at the time. But again, you do not have to be married out of the gate. Take your time, enjoy life. Relax.

When I was 20 I was scared and resistant to intimacy as well. I had a history of childhood sexual abuse and I thought I was broken for "real relationships". But what was really going on was I was 20. I didn't know what a real relationship was. I didn't know what real intimacy was. And that's fine! What you are doing now is figuring it out. You are trying things and seeing how they fit. It sounds like you aren't ready for a long term committed relationship. That makes since! You are 20. Given more time, more experience and more communication and relationship skills it'll feel different.

So yeah... have fun and don't beat yourself up. Be honest with the folks you are seeing romantically. And don't feel worried that you need to find your life mate right now! Explore. Figure out what you like and what you want.

Sorry I didn't reply before, but hahaha reading back my post, what was I on?! Literally thanks so much for getting my head back on straight, and @j.man that made me LOL so much and hit the nail on the head. Thanks all and happy loving xxx