Totally Confused, Need 3rd Party Opinion for Events

Hi all,

I have been gone for a long time but decided to see what you good people think of something. Last time I was here, I was heartbroken and wanted to get back with my ex-girlfriend. I am past that. Learned from the experience and grew emotionally.

Not quite as much as I thought it seems.

I know better than to pick details, but sometimes it is hard when you are involved in what is happening and trying to make sense.

Long story short. (it's not that dramatic of a story anyway).

I've been single for 5 years now since my last breakup so I've had enough time to heal from my past. A little too much even. I've been seeing girls, going on dates, been close to starting a relationship but something didn't work out every time to get past the hookup phase. I am starting to think that someone has put a curse on me.

June this year, I was in a club, I met a girl friend who was also there and she is with a girlfriend of hers. I say Hi and that's it. Later, she tells me that this other girl really liked me. "Fell in love with you" (may have been an exaggeration of the other girl's real words, I know). And tells me that I should look her up on Facebook. I did.

We chatted online several times and went out on a date. It went fine. We went on several others afterwards. She is a doctor doing her internship so is pretty busy, but she did find time to go out. Since it was during the summer, 1 of the 3 months from June to September, she was out of town and we did not maintain that much of contact. Our online chats were pretty scarce with replies 3-4 hours apart and rarely continuing more than 1 hour, but it was all fine when we were out.

She was showing signs of affection while we were together, cuddling my arm in the cinema during horror scenes, grabbing me under my arm while walking on the street, hugging for "hello", etc. But she never initiated contact and setup dates, so I was kind of hesitant as to whether she really liked me. Her mentioning that she used to go out (not sure what this entails) with guys before because she was bored or in a different part of her life did not help my decision making. Her mentioning that she has never been in a relationship with a man she really liked and settled every time because the guys were persistent - did not help me either. I have high self-worth and do not want to be someone's compromise.

All in all we were on about 10-12 dates.

The last few times we went out, she called me pet names several times, mentioned that I am behaving like a true gentleman, even sent me an air kiss the very last time we were out. We had plans to go out the next day as well (she suggested it), but she was tired and I told her that it's OK. She then left town to go home for 2 weeks and we had plans to go out after she comes back. We chatted several times while she was away, made plans for specific dates and our last chat even was for going to see a movie.

I did not make any physical advances whatsoever. I did not try kissing her or anything else aggressive of the sort. I was going to during one of our next dates now that I was sure what was going on.

This is where it gets weird and confusing for me. 7 days after going out of town, she stopped reading my Facebook messages. They were "delivered" but never "seen". I initiated conversation several times, since the last time this happened (her not replying), I asked if I had done something wrong and she said "The problem is not with you.". So it had happened before and I kept trying to initiate. But nothing was happening. She was not replying. I saw her changing her profile photo and was sure that there is activity. I wrote again, but again - nothing. So I stopped after 10 days of trying. 10 days of NC later - she blocked me on Facebook completely.

I was super confused and if I have to be honest, it was not a pleasant feeling at all, considering that I was feeling romantic towards this girl and saw a long-term partner.

I had not taken her phone number, by the way. I kept forgetting.

Next day, I acted normally and asked our common friend about the girl's number. She gave it to me and then I asked if she had been in contact. She replied that she had not for a month or two. When I mentioned the Facebook Block, she said that it is weird and wrote to her. She said that after 20 minutes she called a mutual friend that worked with the doctor girl and the mutual friend told her that "doctor girl" had personal problems and not to bother her. (Those are her words but they sound kind of sketchy to me and since my confidence is pretty bruised right now, I immediately consider it as a polite way to tell me not to bother "doctor girl" for whatever the real reason is.) Considering that she gave me her phone number without knowing the whole story and may have experienced a little guilt.

It's been 15 days since the "she has problems" conversation and 1 month since my last conversation with "doctor girl".

I am 31, she is around 29-30 (not polite to ask for age, right?)

What do you guys reckon? How do you interpret this situation?

Another thing I did not mention: she is Muslim and I am not. Not living in a Muslim country but still Muslim. She has expressed her disagreement with the ways of that religion when it comes to relationships several times, but still ...

Man, I tried making this brief but it seems that I am just not capable of telling the story shorter.

TL;DR: A girl liked me. I contacted her. We went out several times. She showed signs of attraction. I was about to make a move. She went out of town for two weeks and after a few days stopped reading my messages. 10 days later she completely blocks me on Facebook which was the only way we were communicating. A friend of mine says she was told the girl had problems and not to contact her for a while.

Unfortunately "It's me, not you" and "personal problems" often means someone else is on the scene. She may have to marry a Muslim and needed to cease any casual dating.

Try not to take it personally, it just may be the way things work in her world.

she said "The problem is not with you.".the mutual friend told her that "doctor girl" had personal problems and not to bother her. she is Muslim and I am not. She has expressed her disagreement with the ways of that religion when it comes to relationships several times.

The "It's me not you" bit in this case was related to her being very busy at work, for which she informed me beforehand. She said "August is very busy for me because of all the people taking vacations and me taking extra shift to cover for them". And we did go out several times afterward.

As for the Muslim part, I have the same feeling. It's the only way I can explain this whole weird situation to myself.

Only thought that comes to mind is that the "family situation" is likely an arranged marriage happening. Would explain the abrupt blocking and no communication....

Above speculation aside, she kind of came across as a bit off and not that interested all along. Not sure that you lost anything here.

Only thought that comes to mind is that the "family situation" is likely an arranged marriage happening. Would explain the abrupt blocking and no communication....

 

Above speculation aside, she kind of came across as a bit off and not that interested all along. Not sure that you lost anything here.

Well, she is not that religious. She is Turkish but born and raised in another country. When she was younger, her mom told her to go study in a bigger city so she does not fall victim to those outdated traditions with the marriage... I have npbeen thinking about the religious aspect of it though. Considering that last week I accidentally found out that one of her ex boyfriends was Muslim as well.

Even if it was religious, why would she go out with me for three months and then cut contact?

I am curious, why would you say that she seemed off and not that interested? The only thing that was bothering me was the lack of online contact, but she was making efforts to meet up with me even when she had a busy day. I can tell. I confronted her by the way. I was bothered enough to ask her why was I the only one initiating contact and she said that she doesn's see a problem, because she replies whenever I write and finds it normal.

I forgot to mention earlier, that when my friend called their mutual friend, she claims to not have mentined me in any way and still received the "doctor girl" has problems right now. So if this were true, the "problems" bit is not so they can tell me off.

I have her number. I have the idea of sending a "Whatsup? How have you been? Why did you get lost all of a sudden? Is there a problem?" type of text in a couple of weeks. It just bothers me. I know that I am not owed an explanation and that our connection was purely platonic, but still... Even though I hope to receive a reply of some sort, I am also prepared to not receive anything (at least so I think).

I know that it will pass, considering that I barely knew her, but I need to let go of the idea of her first.

Any thoughts on the message bit? I don't want to call, because she may not be available to pick up and talk at that time and I just want to make sure she receives it and eliminate any doubt whether she did.

You could do this but don't add the "why did you disappear" type stuff. She may respond to the how are you part but the questions sounds creepy.

"Whatsup? How have you been? Why did you get lost all of a sudden? Is there a problem?" type of text in a couple of weeks.

Personally, I think you need to cut your loses and steer clear of her and people like her. What I mean is basic human decency. If she were a decent person, she could have easily sent you a quick note letting you know that she is having issues and just can't continue to talk/see you/etc. Apologize and be done. As you said yourself, she had time to be on FB otherwise, she was simply ignoring you in particular and that makes her pretty dang rude.

You wanting an explanation about why someone is being a jerk is a bit like walking up to a donkey and asking them why they are donkey. It's pointless. Best case scenario is she'll jerk you around with some big bs story or not even bother, just block you or tell you busy busy busy.

Know when to cut your losses and step away with dignity.

You are right about the rude part and the one about the explanation. It was pretty easy for her to contact me.

I have to confess, that even though I know you are right, I will still send the message at some point. I basically have nothing to lose. Only the what if's if I don't do it.

Things happen. Knowing the real reasons some other people have blocked or unfriended me, and realizing how unthinkable those scenarios were beforehand, I am willing (want) to accept the minor possibility that something odd has happened in this case as well.

One more thing I forgot and the only one that coincided with her blocking me. Basically, the blocking part came after I posted this quote on my wall.

Dating as an adult is like going to the dump and finding the least broken and disgusting thing.

I posted this and a few hours later I realized that I was blocked.

1. She got offended

2. She saw me posting and did not want to see my name appearing because of unknown reasons

3. Pure coincidence

Methinks you are way overthinking this....

Anyway you do have something to lose - dignity and self respect.

Methinks also that you would benefit from getting in touch with your inner a-hole and actually going "when the b treats me like that, I walk away and don't waste another thought on her. She ain't worth it."

Don't try to make excuses for people's sh...y behavior. I don't care if the moon fell on her head, if she had time to change pics on FB, she dang well had time to send you a brief "we are over" note. If she read a post and went cray cray and blocked you, boy did you just dodge a major bullet. But the thing is, she was ignoring you BEFORE that.

Methinks you are way overthinking this....

Anyway you do have something to lose - dignity and self respect.

 

Methinks also that you would benefit from getting in touch with your inner a-hole and actually going "when the b treats me like that, I walk away and don't waste another thought on her. She ain't worth it."

 

Don't try to make excuses for people's sh...y behavior. I don't care if the moon fell on her head, if she had time to change pics on FB, she dang well had time to send you a brief "we are over" note. If she read a post and went cray cray and blocked you, boy did you just dodge a major bullet. But the thing is, she was ignoring you BEFORE that.

Thank you for your opinion.

You can bet your a** I am overthinking this! Big time!

I am always like that when I am involved. Always trying to find the fault within myself first and therefore, finding excuses for stupid behavior. The thing is that I have had this happen way too often since my last breakup 5 years ago in similar ways (no ignoring or blocking on the others). Maybe my selection process is off. Maybe it is my behavior. I am still trying to find out. The difference is that with this one, I liked her personality more than I liked her looks, where with the others it was the other way around and I could easily let go, since I did not see myself dating them for too long. The idea of them was not there that deep.

But you are right. This behavior is not cool on her side. I am completely aware of that. It's either shi**y behavior all of a sudden, or running away from an uncomfortable situation.

I am still going to send that message though. Expect an "Yep, I wrote and did not receive a reply" update.

She isn't responding to your typical means of communicating and now you have obtained the phone number that you didn't have while you were dating her.

If I were her and avoiding you, for what ever reason, I would not appreciate the fact that you just escalated things in an attempt to get my attention.

Especially if I am going out of my way to not speak with you. . for what ever reason. It would feel intrusive.

Then the other side of me agrees. . you don't have anything to lose here. As long as you are not more disappointed than you already are.

Just be prepared to upset her. . more than she already may be. That's all.

We were not dating, dating. Just hanging out.

Hm, you do have a point about the intrusive part. I have not thought of it that way. But considering that she has not made anything clear and it is all guess work on my side, I don't think that it would be that much of an intrusion. If I had not done the extra effort to investigate, it would have been the same as if she just deactivated her profile. I am simply going to play the confusion card on this one.

Not receiving a reply will get rid of all the guess work, so if anything, it will be easier for me to let go. So no, I don't think that I will be more disappointed. At first maybe, but it will put things in perspective.

Have you thought that your actions would be crossing over the line to stalkerish?

Agree. Contacting her and confronting her about her choice to stop communicating with you, when she owes you nothing, will not come off well.

Have you thought that your actions would be crossing over the line to stalkerish?

Have you thought that your actions would be crossing over the line to stalkerish?

Not until reinventmyself mentioned it.

Agree. Contacting her and confronting her about her choice to stop communicating with you, when she owes you nothing, will not come off well.

Come on guys, there are a lot of reasons for this happening. Just today a friend of mine told me that she has no idea how to unfriend someone on facebook, and this is why she blocks them instead. I know that the end result is basically the same, but with so many ways to contact people nowadays, the semantics of it can make you feel dizzy. Unfriending someone has less impact for one person than blocking. For another person they are equal. A third person will feel different than the previous two. A girl unfriended me once, because I intentionally did not answer her message after reading it and she "did not need people that do not reply among her facebook friends". We had sex the next time we met IRL and she still refused adding me back. My point being that people act irrationally, not saying that this here is the exact same case.

She does not owe me an explanation and I will not be requesting or expecting one, as I mentioned. I will just reach out and that's it. I have not hurt or abused her. I have not been rude or obnoxious. We had great relations up until she stopped reading my messages. Something unknown to me just happened and changed her behavior around. No signs, no nothing. Would you not be curious and confused if you were me?

Another question that I also wanted to ask just out of curiosity. I am not making comparisons, I promise.

Why would you experience behavior similar to hers? Like someone, go out with him/her 10/15 times, make effort to meet up with him/her during that period, have a good time, express your interest indirectly and then disappear all of a sudden.

What would be your catalyst. In general, not only things related to the other person. What would make YOU change your opinion so suddenly if you were in a similar situation.

There are only two things.They don't want to be with you or they want to be with someone else.

What would be your catalyst. In general, not only things related to the other person.

And you would go from hot to cold so abruptly? Why?

I am not asking about your interpretation of the current situation with this question. Just what would a reason be for YOU to have such a sudden change of heart in a similar situation. I just want to survey people's own reasons.

Me personally, I can not thing of a scenario where I would do this. Maybe if I learned something very, very bad about the person I am changing my behavior towards and did not want to discuss it with them.

What do you think she found out about you?

Maybe if I learned something very, very bad about the person I am changing my behavior towards and did not want to discuss it with them.

Nothing. I am a good guy. You are totally misunderstanding me though.

What I was asking is:

Since I find the whole situation and sudden change of behavior very confusing, I was asking, my case aside, what it would take you guys to have a similar sudden change of behavior in a similar situation (Like someone, go out with him/her 10/15 times, make effort to meet up with him/her during that period, have a good time, express your interest indirectly and then disappear all of a sudden), stemming from your own views of the world and experience. What could be the reason for you to do this? I am just surveying. Not making analogies or considering immediately that your example, your own reasoning for doing something similar, is what is happening in my case.

The thing about learning information I mentioned earlier, was just my example of what I think would be a possible reason to have this kind of reaction. This unexplainable (to me) sudden change of heart.

Maybe I am creating confusion while trying to explain my curiosity driven question.

Apologies if this is the case. English is not my first language and I do not live in an English speaking country.

Honestly, a "sudden change of heart" is most likely that she met someone more suitable.

This unexplainable (to me) sudden change of heart.

So it's been almost 2 months since she stopped replying and 1 month since she blocked me.

I was thinking about sending that "Hey, How are you doing?" message this week when I accidentally saw a photo of "doctor girl" with another guy.

It would be an understatement to say that I am disappointed. Both from the way she handled the situation (if another man was the reason for her blocking me in the first place) and the development overall.

What bothers me even more is that I am unable to find the issue within myself and work on resolving it.

Several times in the past few years I have been rejected by a woman after a few months of flirting and communication over another, less attractive (by social standards), man.

That explains a lot about her evasive behavior. Is this the Muslim guy she's slated for marriage?

No need to work on yourself, this was a dating situation/crush that didn't work out and wouldn't have anyway considering her background.

I accidentally saw a photo of "doctor girl" with another guy.

I never mentioned a Muslim guy slated for marriage.

I don't know who this person is. Quite frankly, on all photos his face is hidden behind sun glasses and a stupid hat (geeez).

The thing is, this similar scenario has happened before wih different girls. I flirt, they return the flirting and before I do something to seal the deal - bam, they are dating someone else. This is why I am trying to find the issue within myself, since those are 4 different girls, and not just the one.

Ok that's insight into a pattern. With that observation you can find a solution such as asking them out on dates sooner rather than tiptoeing around too long with flirting. etc.

The thing is, this similar scenario has happened before wih different girls. I flirt, they return the flirting and before I do something to seal the deal - bam, they are dating someone else.

 

All in all we were on about 10-12 dates.

 

One more thing I forgot and the only one that coincided with her blocking me. Basically, the blocking part came after I posted this quote on my wall.

 

Dating as an adult is like going to the dump and finding the least broken and disgusting thing.

 

I posted this and a few hours later I realized that I was blocked.

1. She got offended

2. She saw me posting and did not want to see my name appearing because of unknown reasons

3. Pure coincidence

So you've had 10-12 dates with her and then she reads on your FB wall, that dating is like going to the dump and finding the least disgusting thing.

Yeah you sound like quite the sweetheart lemmetellya.

I would have blocked you too after reading that.

Why the HELL would you post something like that?

You essentially told her that she is akin to the least disgusting thing you found at the dump.

Nice.

And you wonder why she blocked you?

Sorry but she wasn't rude at all for blocking you.

YOU were an ass for posting that.

SMH.