Totally Confused, Need 3rd Party Opinion for Events

[Wiseman2]

So you've had 10-12 dates with her and then she reads on your FB wall, that dating is like going to the dump and finding the least disgusting thing. Why the HELL would you post something like that?

 

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[foolish1985]

Ok that's insight into a pattern. With that observation you can find a solution such as asking them out on dates sooner rather than tiptoeing around too long with flirting. etc.

 

I think that waiting too long to "make sure it's not inteusive" may really be the issue. It's not the actual asking on dates that is the problem. Is the getting closer part that I am postponing and can not get around to quick enough.

 

It's just that there is always something that makes me question their interest, maybe because of not high enough self-esteem and always being cautious not to messup things (ironic). In this case it was the fact that she had been dating out of boredom before, that she was not initiating contact, she said that she does not want a relationship right now, etc.

 

So you've had 10-12 dates with her and then she reads on your FB wall, that dating is like going to the dump and finding the least disgusting thing.

 

Yeah you sound like quite the sweetheard lemmetellya.

 

I would have blocked you too after reading that.

 

Why the HELL would you post something like that?

 

You essentially told her that dating her was akin to the finding the least disgusting thing you found at the dump.

 

SMH.

 

Oh, come on. You know that this is true!

 

I just found it funny at the time.

 

Furthermore, she had already been ignoring me for 20 days before that. And apparently, most probably, going out with someone else. I now don't think that this post is the reason. And even if it is, it's a pretty huge over-reaction. There are other ways to address this other than blocking someone completely out of your life.

[katrina1980]

 

Oh, come on. You know that this is true!

 

I just found it funny at the time.

 

Actually no I don't think that is true at all. Dating is like going to the dump? Dude I have never even been to a dump and I certainly wouldn't compare the men I date to anything I found at the dump.

 

Even as a joke. There are A LOT funnier things to say other than dating is like going to the dump. Jesus.

 

And lest you think I don't have a sense of humor, I have a great sense of humor but if I were dating you and read that, I would feel very insulted, as I am sure she did too, hence why she blocked you.

 

Furthermore, she had already been ignoring me for 20 days before that. And apparently, most probably, going out with someone else. I now don't think that this post is the reason. And even if it is, it's a pretty huge over-reaction. There are other ways to address this other than blocking someone completely out of your life.

 

First off I did not know she had been ignoring you for 20 days prior to that. And I agree she probably IS dating someone else now.

 

I just think it's quite a coincidence that she ignores you for 20 days but DOES NOT feel inclined to block you, but then decides to block you after reading that comment.

 

And if you can't see how a woman you are dating might be insulted by that comment, then perhaps your social skills need some fine tuning.

 

Unless she has known you for a long long time and KNOWS the type of sense of humor you have. In that case, she may understand.

 

But to a woman you just started dating? That comment is insulting.

 

And lastly, since she has been ignoring you for 20+ days, AND most likely dating another guy, WHY would you even consider attempting to reconnect?

 

Unless you want to be just friends or something. If that's the case, then go for it!

 

I highly doubt she will respond but your call. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

I'm a bit of a risk taker too in that respect as I rather enjoy being friends with the men I have dated, given it ended on decent terms.

[foolish1985]

It is true. We are all damaged goods after some point because of our past emotional experiences. We all compare, we are all weary. Or is this not the case? Are you as pure and without prejudice as when you started dating at the age of 15-16-17?

 

We were just going out. Not even a kiss, so I would not classify it as dating, but I can see how you might. Semantics.

I also would not have done it if given the chance again, but what is done is done.

And it was not a status update. It was an image with the text written, which makes it a lot less personal than me actually writing it as an opinion of mine.

 

I did not know that she was dating someone else until I saw the photo today. It seems that you did not read through.

I am not going to send any texts now. I find it pointless after the latest developments. I had a different train of thought before that and would do it just to make sure that she actually has thought it through and does not want contact for whatever reason.

[katrina1980]

It is true. We are all damaged goods after some point because of our past emotional experiences. We all compare, we are all weary. Or is this not the case? Are you as pure and without prejudice as when you started dating at the age of 15-16-17?

 

We were just going out. Not even a kiss, so I would not classify it as dating, but I can see how you might. Semantics.

I also would not have done it if given the chance again, but what is done is done.

And it was not a status update. It was an image with the text written, which makes it a lot less personal than me actually writing it as an opinion of mine.

 

I did not know that she was dating someone else until I saw the photo today. It seems that you did not read through.

I am not going to send any texts now. I find it pointless after the latest developments. I had a different train of thought before that and would do it just to make sure that she actually has thought it through and does not want contact for whatever reason.

 

I dunno, I have been through a lot of **** but I don't consider myself "damaged goods." Nor do I consider the men I date (one in particular at the moment) to be damaged goods either even though HE has been through a lot of **** too.

 

When our self-esteem is strong and healthy, we bounce back from negative experiences smarter and stronger.

 

NOT feeling "damaged." Just my opinion on that though, obviously you feel differently. Which is okay we can agree to disagree.

 

Far be it for me to argue with how you feel about yourself or the women you date.

 

You are correct, I did not read the entire thread, so I missed some things, my bad.

 

I will own that one.

 

So you had ten dates, but no kiss. Yah this "relationship" was on the fast track to never-never land, so my advice would be to just let it go.

 

Which you have apparently chosen to do, so good call IMHO!

[Wiseman2]

True, you snooze you lose. You have to ascertain interest by asking them out not by dancing around with meaningless talk and flirting.

 

They will perceive this as not interested or jerking them around and move on to guys who ask them out..

 

Also if someone spells out upfront they don't want a relationship, know when to cut your losses.

 

So here's your algorithm:

Seems friendly..ask them out. they say yes. great.

An iffy answer put the ball in their court.

Brushing you off or has a bf, etc. forget them

I think that waiting too long to "make sure it's not inteusive" may really be the issue. It's not the actual asking on dates that is the problem. Is the getting closer part that I am postponing and can not get around to quick enough.

[foolish1985]

I am asking them out and showing interest. But what the heck is with the rushing part? IMO if someone likes me, she will wait for the time to come even if it takes 20 dates! This is what I would do if I liked someone and I see that she likes me back.

[Wiseman2]

What time? Rushing what?

she will wait for the time to come even if it takes 20 dates!

[katrina1980]

I am asking them out and showing interest. But what the heck is with the rushing part?

 

IMO if someone likes me, she will wait for the time to come even if it takes 20 dates! This is what I would do if I liked someone and I see that she likes me back.

 

See this is your mistake. Assuming men and women are alike.

 

Newsflash: We're NOT!

[Ms Darcy]

I am asking them out and showing interest. But what the heck is with the rushing part? IMO if someone likes me, she will wait for the time to come even if it takes 20 dates! This is what I would do if I liked someone and I see that she likes me back.

 

Perhaps this is why the ladies you liked got with someone else.

[foolish1985]

What time? Rushing what?

 

Rushing to be in a relationship.

 

Perhaps this is why the ladies you liked got with someone else.

 

20 dates was just a number. I was just waiting for definite signs that they like me. If I am after a sexual relationship only - I don't care at all. I can be very quick. But if I really like someone, then I just want to know someone. I guess I need to expedite this process, since this seems to be a common denominator. I guess women are just impatient. I guess they just NEED to be in a relationship ASAP and prefer being with someone they don't like that much NOW, rather than being with someone they do like in a month's time.

 

I don't understand this concept.

[Wiseman2]

Women, just like you, want to be with someone who shows a romantic interest. Not a wolf getting in their pants, no but you need to show you are interested in dating them. Dating is for getting to know them. Learn how to date.

 

Hanging out in the friendzone waiting for them to make the first move through "signs" is a coward's move. Of course they will move on to a guy who seems interested and doesn't just waste their time jerking them around for week/months with delayed texts and dates..

I was just waiting for definite signs that they like me.But if I really like someone, then I just want to know someone.

[foolish1985]

Well, I always though that I am showing my interest... I guess this may not exactly be the case.

 

I have shared experiences with girl friends of mine, but none of them has criticized me on my methods and the way I go about things. One or two of them may have mentioned that I am taking too long in certain occasions and I see now, that this may indeed be the case.

 

I guess that it's just that perfectionism side of me, wanting everything to be in the exact right moment and under the exact right circumstances, that is costing me a romantic involvement with those women.

 

It's just that, I am a more serious person. I am professional in a job setting and with my interactions with people I do not know. I rarely small talk with strangers, even if they are seated right beside me in a group of friends. I may interact if the situation requires it, but I will never start a conversation out of the blue. This is why I take longer to open up to a new potential partner, unwind and start gathering the courage to get closer physically. If I don't want a relationship with them other than a sexual one, I don't mind getting physical with women 2 hours (figuratively speaking) after meeting them in a club (if they show signs of course. I'm not going to force myself on them!!!).

The funny thing - those women usually reciprocate.

 

It's just that in a potential partner, I don't see them as a sexual object at first. Sex is not the main thing I see in them. I like them for who they are as a person and the sexual attraction comes afterward. This does not mean that they are not attractive. Just that my priorities switch if I like someone as a human being and I don't want to ruin this by rushing into things when the other person may not be ready for this step.

 

I am thankful that I have someone to discuss this with. Because I see that there is some kind of an issue within myself and you know how friends are: "You are not the problem", "They were just not a good fit", etc.

[katrina1980]

No one is suggesting you push for *sex* for heaven's sake, or even a "relationship" .... but waiting TEN dates or longer to even *kiss* a girl, she is gonna presume you are not attracted, friend zoning her and decide to pursue one of her many other options -- a man who DOES show a clear and unambiguous interest in her..... by kissing her and taking her on "dates" not just hanging out waiting for HER to step up and indicate her high interest in you before you feel comfortable enough to DO anything!

 

Men are about ACTION, making things happen.... leading.

 

NOT sitting back, "hanging out" waiting for her to take action and/or lead.

 

That's not how it works... and it's a turn off when men behave that way and have that attitude.

[foolish1985]

I think that you may be misinterpreting me not taking action for 10 dates. You are making me look like a push-over and I am most definitely not.

 

As I said, I think that flowers, romantic gestures, invites for dates and events are all an indication enough of my attraction. I don't do that with girl friends. And I most certainly do not pay the bill for them.

 

I am sensing a little hostility in your written tone. Why is that?

[Wiseman2]

So? We are not talking about your PUA game at clubs, we are talking about dating decent women and how to do that. You have an incredibly long list of excuses to either see women as meat to poke or not to touch or even approach at all because you're afraid of them.

 

Perhaps a more mature and comprehensive view of women neither as meat to take home from a club nor some ice goddess way out of your league who scares you, would help you.

 

Basically these views are that of a 13-14 y/o boy, not a working professional man.

If I don't want a relationship with them other than a sexual one, I don't mind getting physical with women 2 hours. It's just that in a potential partner, I don't see them as a sexual object at first. I like them for who they are as a person and the sexual attraction comes afterward.

[foolish1985]

The club comparison was just to mention that I am not scared of women in general, but approach those I see as a potential partner a little bit too cautiously I think...

I am not some player, going around clubs picking women for one night stands.

[reinventmyself]

I think that you may be misinterpreting me not taking action for 10 dates. You are making me look like a push-over and I am most definitely not.

 

As I said, I think that flowers, romantic gestures, invites for dates and events are all an indication enough of my attraction. I don't do that with girl friends. And I most certainly do not pay the bill for them.

 

I am sensing a little hostility in your written tone. Why is that?

 

So which was it? Dating or two friends hanging out, because you paint both scenerios with the same girl.

 

You started out this thread sharing how she gave you small flirtatious signs of interest.

If at 10 or 15 dates I would start to feel confused had you not reciprocated.

 

Dating should have some momentum. Even at the slow pace that you prefer, it should move forward.

From what you describe that didn't happen.

 

If, as a woman I am putting myself out there by giving you signs and you aren't meeting me half way then it

just gets awkward.

 

I think you have a window of opportunity and missed it. She met someone else somewhere along the way and

he stepped up where you didn't.

 

I agree. If at the 10/15 date point I am confused and wondering what your intentions were and you posted that, I would be done with you too.

Sorry. . You seem like a good guy.

You just need to rethink your actions some

[katrina1980]

I think that you may be misinterpreting me not taking action for 10 dates. You are making me look like a push-over and I am most definitely not.

 

As I said, I think that flowers, romantic gestures, invites for dates and events are all an indication enough of my attraction. I don't do that with girl friends. And I most certainly do not pay the bill for them.

 

I am sensing a little hostility in your written tone. Why is that?

 

No hostility here ....lol, I just feel strongly about certain things and this is one of them... so that reflects in my posts.

 

Just read this forum, I am like this with most of my posts on this forum!

 

I am pretty blunt and don't mince words.

 

Apologies if I offended you.

 

Anyway, and this will be my last, flowers, etc are nice, but can't replace a kiss and other forms of physical affection to display "romantic" interest.

 

I also think how you behave sends a mixed message, which can get old.

 

As in, "hey this guy takes me out, buys flowers, etc but we have been out ten times and he has never kissed me!"

 

It's confusing and again she is gonna presume, while you like her and enjoy spending time, you are not attracted to her.

 

You can dismiss this if you like, no skin off my nose, just telling you how it is from a woman's perspective.

 

Good luck!

[foolish1985]

No hostility here ....lol, I just feel strongly about certain things and this is one of them... so that reflects in my posts.

Just read this forum, I am like this with most of my posts on this forum!

I am pretty blunt and don't mince words.

Apologies if I offended you.

Anyway, and this will be my last, flowers, etc are nice, but can't replace a kiss and other forms of physical affection to display "romantic" interest.

I also think how you behave sends a mixed message, which can get old.

As in, "hey this guy takes me out, buys flowers, etc but we have been out ten times and he has never kissed me!"

It's confusing and again she is gonna presume, while you like her and enjoy spending time, you are not attracted to her.

You can dismiss this if you like, no skin off my nose, just telling you how it is from a woman's perspective.

Good luck!

 

I understand you. I always though that doing those things and continuing to contact her and ask her out was a sign of interest enough. I may have to change this. It's just that when I was younger (18-19) my friend circle was much bigger (as is the case with every one of us) and women were showing their affection first. I just got used to not doing a lot of chasing. 2 back-to-back relationships and 7 years later I was single again and completely lost as to what I was supposed to do now that my friend circle was much smaller and the dating scene had changed.

 

Looking in retrospective, I may have prolonged the pre-relationship phase for too long on several occasions, this being one of them. I did have my reasons at the time, or so I thought.

 

Thanks for the input.

 

So which was it? Dating or two friends hanging out, because you paint both scenerios with the same girl.

 

You started out this thread sharing how she gave you small flirtatious signs of interest.

If at 10 or 15 dates I would start to feel confused had you not reciprocated.

 

Dating should have some momentum. Even at the slow pace that you prefer, it should move forward.

From what you describe that didn't happen.

 

If, as a woman I am putting myself out there by giving you signs and you aren't meeting me half way then it

just gets awkward.

 

I think you have a window of opportunity and missed it. She met someone else somewhere along the way and

he stepped up where you didn't.

 

I agree. If at the 10/15 date point I am confused and wondering what your intentions were and you posted that, I would be done with you too.

Sorry. . You seem like a good guy.

You just need to rethink your actions some

 

Um, we may be getting lost in the translation here. I am not sure what sounded like I was treating the situation as two friends hanging out. I treat those women as potential partners, the last one included. Flirtation, asking them out, the occasional touch, etc. I am not sure how to explain it better.

 

She started giving me the signs at the end, so this is why I waited that long. Because I could not identify anything before that.

 

It did have momentum, but was pretty slow because of the big pauses between our meet-ups, caused by her work schedule and summer vacations schedule. For example, we did not meet for the whole month of August and barely communicated. It seemed awkward to me to do something after a pause that big. Correct me if I am wrong on this one.

 

I think you are right about the window of opportunity, but I think it was pretty small if you take into account the big pauses I mentioned a moment ago.

 

I don't think the post had anything to do with this, since as I mentioned, she had already been ignoring my messages for 20 days.