4 year relationship crumbling.. help!

Hello, me and my girlfriend have been together coming on 4 years. We are deeply in love with each other and do everything together. I have noticed in the last year sex became further and further apart and now we are down to 2-3 times per month. I take her on dates all the time and always try to surprise her. At the beginning of the relationship I was distant, she broke up with me 2 years in and it was one of those realize what you had once it's gone moments. I tried everything to get her back and after months of effort it worked. We have been together 2 years almost since then and we couldn't be happier (so it seemed). Just last week we had a conversation when I took her to a nice dinner. She said she sees me as a best friend rather than a lover. Yep, I got friend zoned in my own relationship. We talked and she said that she wants to work on it. We will try and bring the passion back. The problem is that it feels like a one way street! I'm trying as hard as I can, but it seems like she is staying the same, she just isn't into it. This last week we kissed only a handful of times and hugs were few and far between. She discussed breaking up with me one more time stating that she wants to break up and reevaluate the relationship next summer. She does not want to call it a "break" though, rather a break up. I told her if she wants to break up that's fine and then in 6 months or so we can see if we still want each other, she then turned to me and said 6 months?! No, that's way too long. Why is she wanting to end things then? We stopped the break up conversation and never pulled the trigger. The kicker is.. she wants to stay best friends! She believes there is no reason we can not stay as close as we are but lose the sex and date other people. That would be insanely hard for me since I still love her. Since we are not broken up right now I talk to her all the time. I take her on dates and text/call all the time. I am getting anxiety because I am uncertain of the relationships future. She is getting anxiety because she doesn't want the friendship to end (she did not tell me this but I can tell). Not really sure how I should move forward. I love this girl and would do anything to salvage this relationship. We get along so well, everything's perfect, just the passion has been gone and I'm afraid we are trying to address it too late.

Have there been changes this past year such as moving in together or other changes in either of your lives, jobs, money, etc? What was the breakup about last time, same thing?

It sounds like she broke up wants friendzone and wants to date others. Do you think she has grass is greener syndrome?

Do you really think "everything's perfect" with no sex in the relationship and a breakup speech?

She said she sees me as a best friend rather than a lover. She discussed breaking up with me one more time stating that she wants to break up and reevaluate the relationship next summer... she wants to stay best friends! She believes there is no reason we can not stay as close as we are but lose the sex and date other people.

There's nothing to salvage. She's fallen out of love with you, but still loves you. She wants to leave the committed relationship since she's no longer in love and remain friends since she still loves you. You are in love with her still, you can't remain friends with her if you break up (which is inevitable at this point).

She may not "pull the trigger" for a really long time, but I can guarantee her mind's made up. It's up to you whether you want to sit around and wait for her to pull the trigger while you're both miserable and eventually you will resent each other or if you want to pull the trigger yourself while there's still a chance for friendship down the line.

For your own dignity tell her you're not comfortable with her unrealistic expectations of making you jump through hoops, and dump her. Then block her on FB, email, phone, everywhere.

She sounds a pain in the *ss.

......Without sex, you don't have a relationship, you are just platonic friends already and have been so for quite some time. All you are doing now is loitering, wasting time and money on her, hoping that somehow, if you stick around in this limbo land long enough, that she will change her mind. Thing is, it's not happening and never actually works out for anyone. She has checked out and she is already looking to riding other ponies. You have been relegated to the back of the stable as an old used nag of no value, but just in case she gets bucked off by a new pony, she might dust you off for bit and take you out for a short spin to get her confidence back so she can get out and ride those new ponies again.

Do yourself a favor, find your self respect and stop subjecting yourself to this nonsense. Cut her off, heal, move on. She has already dumped you, she has already friend zoned you whether you like it or not. Denial ain't just a rive in Egypt man. Walk away. It will hurt but not as bad as when she introduces you as her buddy to her new boyfriend.

She wants you to stick around because you make her feel comfortable and secure. The only way to make her confront the way she feels about you is to break up and stop talking. It's the only way for her to know if she really wants to date other or if it was a mistake to break up.

Have there been changes this past year such as moving in together or other changes in either of your lives, jobs, money, etc? What was the breakup about last time, same thing?

 

It sounds like she broke up wants friendzone and wants to date others. Do you think she has grass is greener syndrome?

 

Do you really think "everything's perfect" with no sex in the relationship and a breakup speech?

The break up last time was about me not showing her how much she meant to me. Which I have since changed and she acknowledged that. Nothing has changed in our lives really that is notable. We do not live together either.

She wanted me to "forget the conversation of breaking up happened" and we are just in a rut that couples get into and we need to try and get out. When we talk about it she sincerely wants to try and fix this but I am not sure if it is possible. Especially when she isn't showing affection when we are together. Is it possible to bring passion back to a relationship? Or is this truly a lost cause like all the Debbie downers are commenting?

I would back off rather than orbit in the friendzone "working on it". She needs to experience life with you as a full partner or not at all.

When you acquiesce to friendzone, she can stay frigid and not have to work at anything...Why? Because you're doing all the exhausting work orbiting in the friendzone wishing and hoping.

Just last week we had a conversation when I took her to a nice dinner. She said she sees me as a best friend rather than a lover. Yep, I got friend zoned in my own relationship.

Even if she says she really wants to work on it..? Is it still not worth working on?

Even if she says she really wants to work on it..? Is it still not worth working on?

Well what exactly is she doing besides telling you what you want to hear? Is she being affectionate, romantic, planning dates and doing other assorted little things, gestures to revive the romance or is she just sitting back and letting you do all the work while she just shows up for whatever you planned. If the latter, then she is not working on it at all, just you are.

If she wants to work on it, she also needs to take tangible and measurable steps to meet you halfway. It's can't be a one-sided effort all from you.

Is she doing that?

Well what exactly is she doing besides telling you what you want to hear? Is she being affectionate, romantic, planning dates and doing other assorted little things, gestures to revive the romance or is she just sitting back and letting you do all the work while she just shows up for whatever you planned. If the latter, then she is not working on it at all, just you are.

Yeah I hear you on that one. I do most of the planning but she did have a surprise visit to my house late last night that was spontaneous. Grant it, it was to give my dog a gift she bought haha. We hung out for a few hours, then when she left she promised me things will get better, and that she really loves me. It's difficult because some days she fills me with hope, while others she is less there, saying how she can't guarantee our future, and nothing is for sure in this world.

Yeah I hear you on that one. I do most of the planning but she did have a surprise visit to my house late last night that was spontaneous. Grant it, it was to give my dog a gift she bought haha. We hung out for a few hours, then when she left she promised me things will get better, and that she really loves me. It's difficult because some days she fills me with hope, while others she is less there, saying how she can't guarantee our future, and nothing is for sure in this world.

.....dude.....she showed up for the dog you are taking that as "working on things"......ouch........read that back yourself until it sinks in man........

OP, I hate to put this thought in your head, but could there be someone else she's interested in?

I ask because I once had a long-term boyfriend give me almost the same speech. After a couple years together, he came home one night and dropped that bomb: He didn't know if we were right anymore, he wasn't sure if he had a future together, but still loved me a lot. I was blindsided by that, and very confused. Things had been going well. After a very emotional few days, he told me that he regretted ever saying those things, that he'd just been confused about life in general, and (wait for it) that he wanted to "work on it."

So we stayed together, and he did make some effort to rekindle. I found out by chance a couple months afterwards that he had been getting far too close to a female coworker, at exactly the same time he suddenly pulled away from me and started telling me he was having doubts.

I realize my experience doesn't apply to all cases in which a partner displays hot-cold behaviour, but your situation does have some similarities to mine. Have you noticed any other unusual behaviour from her?

It takes two to work on a relationship and she basically broke up but wants to be friends and is stringing you along to keep you in the friendzone, otherwise she would talk about reconciling and act like a gf again..

Even if she says she really wants to work on it..? Is it still not worth working on?

True that agree with above