Fiance in 6 year relationship broke up with me over email

I've was here before several years ago, and I'm back about the same person with the same problem. I can be pretty sure what everyone's opinion is going to be, but I guess I need to keep hearing it from people to help me move on.

My fiance (long distance relationship, together on and off almost 6 years, engaged about 2 1/2 months) sent me an email breaking up with me today with the vague statement that "things haven't been right between us" for a while, saying that he wants no contact with me and that he will be blocking/ignoring me every way possible. No talking, nothing.

I had spent about 5 of the last 8 months going back and forth to his home and visiting him. On our last visit we decided that we needed to start the immigration process so we could be together permanently and got engaged. Probably needless to say, based on how things had been going I didn't really see this coming, except that he had become more distant since I came back to Canada while we waited for the fiance visa to process. He didn't like Skyping as much (and yeah, technical issues can be frustrating) and just started withdrawing from our usual chatting and long-distance contact. I expressed the difficulty I was having with his actions, and he told me repeatedly that he was just having trouble with us being physically apart again, and we talked about how this waiting period was so difficult and that we missed the past/couldn't wait for the future. To top it off I completely changed my life to be with him; selling my house, quitting my job, etc.

He was also expressing a lot of dislike about his life ever since I came back to Canada--although typically he framed it as "if I could change everything about my life but you, I would". Every now and then he gets in these ruts where he dislikes his life and is extremely critical of himself; this is usually coupled with anxiety. It was exactly this kind of circumstance that precipitated the last time he broke up with me.

Last time I decided I wouldn't abandon him while he was going through this difficult period even though he rejected me. With patience and love (and my emails he chose whether or not to respond to) we got back together. This time he says he doesn't want contact with me so that getting back together can't happen again. The whole situation is so confusing to me because it seems that he really does want to be with me, but sometimes something in his psyche just makes him reject the relationship (and a lot of other aspects of his life). I think it is a mental health issue, which makes it hard for me to let go because he needs help, not abandonment. I realise being there like that takes a toll on me though.

I don't know if I can be that patient person again this time, and am questioning whether it's worth it when he has this cycle that he doesn't appear to be working on getting over. I know I don't need the prospect that he is going to go through an anxious/self-doubting time and break up with me every couple of years. I know it's no way to live.

But, with him refusing to contact me, and me stupidly having left things at his place anticipating I would be moving there (although he has said he would ship things back to me), I really feel the need to go see him again. I feel like seeing that it's really over in person and not harbouring this little thought that we got back together in past and might again really could help me, or that actually talking could help get to the issues and salvage things. We would likely be getting the next notice in our visa process shortly; I guess I have some hope that receiving that might make him feel more reassured that we will be together soon again and breaking up because we are apart doesn't make sense.

I'm very conflicted. I'm not as emotional as the last time he did this (my rational brain says this is a time too many and I need to better protect myself), but we have been through so much and invested so much time and effort that this whole situation is very difficult.

Today was the first day, and as you can imagine I was completely unable to start off no contact with an email break up and tried to get a hold of him any way I could think of. He hasn't gotten back to me as he promised he wouldn't. But unless I hear from him tomorrow with plans to work this out, I realise it should probably be my first no contact day.

Sorry for the long post and I would love to hear any thoughts.

I suggest you return to your thread from 2013.

This guy is unstable and has repeatedly broken up with you. I cannot believe you left your job. and sold your house for him. UGH. Did he ever become financially secure?

This guy sounds really dysfunctional in many areas, and I think it is sad that you continue to waste your life on him. How much longer are you going to continue holding on to this one-sided relationship?

There is no future here! You should of ended it, years ago. Please seek therapy .

Thank you for referring me back to my old thread, Hollyj. Point taken on seeking therapy. I think I need to hear how bad the relationship is for me, I hate to say. I'd invested so much time and effort, and was in a high stress job for most of our relationship, which I think in some ways clouded my judgement and made me long for support and stability in the wrong places. No, his financial situation hasn't improved significantly, and I had started to have some hesitations about it getting better for my move there, or at least resignation to the fact I was probably going to be the bread winner in the family.

To be honest, leaving the job was a good thing for me in the end--I'm pursuing a new career and I think it is a much better fit for me. He supported me in doing that, so I will be thankful for that at the very least. Doing things as I did maybe didn't set me up for continuing a life here, but I guess I will just have to figure that out now.

There is no stability here. And, why do you want to be with someone that you will have to support for the rest of your life? How can you respect him, or respect yourself, by expecting so little in a partner.

If you have children how could you depend on him? He may decide he wants to dump you again.

Elva, it sounds like you have lost all of your self worth, don't you think it's time to get it back? Get off the hamster wheel, Girl!!!!

Lastly, I would address why you are so attracted to do much drama.

Points taken again. I guess part of this is I'm only showing you snap shots of the very bad parts of this relationship--most of the time it is completely drama free and we work together very well. I didn't really view his self worth as being based on his income, but yes, the stability aspect is making me realize this isn't good for me. I guess when things are good I get lulled into thinking that he's over these anxiety and commitment issues, or at minimum he's looking at them as things that we can share and work on together. Then things blow up and I realise things haven't changed, we just had a longer good period.

You're right. Things were good for about 3 years and I thought I would be able to depend on him if we had children and that things had stabilised. Wrong I was and am.

You are addicted to the feeling that he gave you when he is good. Kinda feels like he is a kind of drug to you. You have vested too much on him and it is difficult to give up so easily. But how much can you afford to pay for this feeling? You kept on waiting. Why don't you tell him to look for you after he is ready while you go about your own life?

What are you depending him on? Emotional? Financial?

@the OP, I'm not going to sugar coat this, so here goes my honest opinion. First, I think it's a good idea for you got find a therapist that is suitable with you. Second, you are not a Mental Health doctor. (Unless you are, I'm sorry) You can not fix his issues, he needs to fix with a trained professional.

I was in an LDR relationship with a someone before and he strung me along for 2 years. One side he's all into me, the next, he doesn't see a future although we get along great. Breaks up with me, I didn't even try to contact him after the first time. I actually felt, great he set me free, I could move on. Then a few months later the loser,contacted me and pretended nothing ever happened. Even came to my country to see me several times. Again, I fell into the trap. (yes, he was having issues) I thought I was doctor that could fix him. Nope, reality hit me real fast, the next time he tried to break up with me, I ran and never spoke to him again. Sound familiar?

Your story is more extreme than mine, you went to the extent to selling your house and quitting your job. Maybe he likes you or even love you, but I could tell you he just NOT that into you. First off, any self respecting man would not break up with someone over email, only a coward would do that. I get it, it's long distance, no excuse, no exceptions! You need to value yourself girl! You deserve a lot better than this man who has no idea where his head is. I should call him a little boy. Only little boys, emails his girlfriend of 5 years to break up with her. Than decides for Both you and him that no contact is a good idea, without you even being present in the conversation. I find it bad enough to break up with someone over email, I find it worst that the person won't give you a chance to speak for your take on the breakup.

He pretty much decides when to come and go and shuts you out when he decides to go. So my question to you is, why are you confused? You mentioned he did this before? There shouldn't be confusion here, there should be clarity that the relationship is dubious.

Could you imagine if he didn't break up with you and you moved to his country and get married? How your life would be? You need to value and love yourself before someone will love and value you. Maybe it's a good time for you to work on yourself. Work on putting yourself first. Then you will be surprised of the outcome. All the best and good luck.

I agree Hurt, there is only so much of myself I can give and I have given a lot. Over and over and I would do it again, but he has to figure some things out and you're right, as great as things are when we're together and he's doing alright, if there are going to be these devastating lows thrown in, it's not worth it and it's not what I want.

He has been there for more emotionally, and even financially when I needed it, despite his financial situation. I couldn't have asked for more in that regard (like I said to Hollyj, I realise I'm only giving a snapshot of the bad part of the relationship and him, and it's not a fair view overall). When he's there and on an even keel he would do anything for me. He just goes through these periods of lows and then I end up here again, but I know that's his problem, not mine, and I am hearing what everyone is saying and realising despite everything it's time to move on.

I'm going to start not contacting him today. I'm going to try not to contact him again. I can't fix this, and I can't approach fixing it if he doesn't introduce the idea and tell me what steps he is going to take so it doesn't happen again. And I don't even know if I would be able to trust that. It would take a lot for me to reconsider after all of this.

I hope at some point he will at least get in contact with me about my things and what we are going to do to get them back to me, and our visa application. He was monitoring the status and I have no idea what he intends to do with it. I mean, if he has cancelled it I really know there's no point even if he was willing to work on himself, because I'm not going through all of that again.

jujusamples: no, I'm not a mental health doctor. I know I can't fix his issues, but I always thought I could at least help. But you're right, it's not something I can do for him and it's something he has to come to on his own. It's hard because I feel like I'm giving up on someone with a problem, but I know I just enable it if I am supportive while he does nothing.

I know he loves me, I don't question that in the least, but it doesn't matter if he's going to do things like this to me. And yes, maybe I have been making excuses for too long because of his issues.

Honestly I am in some ways happy that if he was going to do this he did it like this. I am not a person who gets angry easily, but this does make me mad. This was such an extremely hurtful and cowardly thing to do, and I didn't deserve it and I shouldn't excuse it.

And yes, I'm also realising I've been putting him first for a long time now at my expense, and it's not a fair thing to do in a relationship, and not good for me. I know I need and deserve more.

Look into codependence.

I will Hollyj, thank you. I'm starting to realise I might have allowed him to behave in ways thinking I was helping. That's not good for either of us.

It sounds like every time you want to move forward he pulls the plug. Why does he string you along like that? Where is he now? Ask him to ship your things.

on and off almost 6 years

That's pretty close to it, Wiseman2. We took a break once when I was miserable when he decided he no longer wanted to move to Canada and live with me--to be honest, I think I was probably experiencing a depression then and was legitimately difficult to be around (crying everyday on Skype wasn't unheard of). And the other break ups have both been occasions where we were talking about or getting the immigration process going. Everything is good, then we get close to moving forward, and suddenly everything is uncertainty and problems that he never told me about before. I think he clearly wants to be in a relationship but something in him makes him hold back, and I guess unfortunately me being patient and understanding has helped us create this cycle where I get jerked around.

I think I need to somehow get in touch with him. I'm being advised that there can be negative consequences to him cancelling the visa application instead of me, but all the information has been going to him and I'm at this stupid disadvantage because he is refusing to speak to me. I really don't know what to do.

Why can't you cancel it from your end? Who wants to immigrate to whom?

he decided he no longer wanted to move to Canada and live with me.I think I need to somehow get in touch with him. I'm being advised that there can be negative consequences to him cancelling the visa application instead of me.

If there is no intention moving, then why does it matter? If it does, then do it yourself.

Don't look for excuses ro be in contact. You need to be done with this, once and for all.

jujusamples: no, I'm not a mental health doctor. I know I can't fix his issues, but I always thought I could at least help. But you're right, it's not something I can do for him and it's something he has to come to on his own. It's hard because I feel like I'm giving up on someone with a problem, but I know I just enable it if I am supportive while he does nothing.

 

I know he loves me, I don't question that in the least, but it doesn't matter if he's going to do things like this to me. And yes, maybe I have been making excuses for too long because of his issues.

 

Honestly I am in some ways happy that if he was going to do this he did it like this. I am not a person who gets angry easily, but this does make me mad. This was such an extremely hurtful and cowardly thing to do, and I didn't deserve it and I shouldn't excuse it.

 

And yes, I'm also realising I've been putting him first for a long time now at my expense, and it's not a fair thing to do in a relationship, and not good for me. I know I need and deserve more.

I'm glad you are starting to see that putting yourself first is important. In fact it should be the most important thing. If you don't put yourself first, no one will.

I know you are hurt and mad. I would be too. If someone whom I've dated that many years just decided to cut me off with no warning but just an email. Then tells me they don't want contact. It's like leaving you in the dark. I get it! Just make a mental note and remember how hurt you felt when you got that email. The reason for that is everytime you think of contacting or getting back together with him, think of how hurt you were and how frustrating the things he does is to you.

You sound like a very kind person and anyone will be lucky to have you. I hope you will use this to better yourself and break this vicious cycle with this man. It's almost like giving money to a drug addict, you are just feeding into the addiction. Don't do it.

At first he was going to come to me here, now we were in the midst of applying for me to go to the States. I need to look into the cancellation issue more--I am getting conflicting advice. I agree that my break-up addled brain is probably grasping at a reason to have to contact him, which is stupid since he is doing no contact anyway.

Jujusamples--thank you for the comment, and I agree, this is time to end this cycle with him. Last time he broke up with me he said he was doing it for me and I thought that was crazy, but this time I do feel like it is the right thing if this is the way he is going to behave and make no effort to get over his commitment issues.

I have managed not to contact my ex today (planning to continue this) after a flurry of attempted contact when I found the break up email yesterday. I didn't do this well last time with no contact; I am angrier this time and feeling like there is little point in me reaching out (And not just because he is ignoring me, but because I am not sure he can give me what I need).

I have somehow convinced myself he won't come across someone else like me and will come to regret this--which is maybe a manifestation of my anger over this situation, but at the moment it is making me feel really good.

Last time I decided I wouldn't abandon him while he was going through this difficult period even though he rejected me.

Accepting a rejection isn't 'abandoning' anyone. Walking away when someone asks you to do so is a respectful response to their limits, while refusing to let go and implying 'you didn't really mean that...' is disrespectful and manipulative.

A second round of the lesson you didn't grasp the first time is a giant neon sign that the way you handled it the first time was wrong. So it makes no sense to entertain the idea of repeating that debacle yet again.

This is NOT the right guy for you. Most people are not our match. This guy has demo'd that he's not in this the way you are--twice. Everything else was just noise and a continued waste of your time.

Head high, and move FORward.

Accepting a rejection isn't 'abandoning' anyone. Walking away when someone asks you to do so is a respectful response to their limits, while refusing to let go and implying 'you didn't really mean that...' is disrespectful and manipulative.

I never saw myself in that manipulative kind of light. I always saw it as him going through a bad time and pushing me away, and me letting him know I was there for him. After we got back together he did once say that I had "wormed my way" back into his affections. It made me feel horrible. I never wanted that and of course I still don't. I guess I need to see it that way though. When he did this last time when we got back together he said it was like I knew what he needed to help him through--maybe it's just manipulation full stop though, not a changing heart like I thought. Oh it makes me feel bad to think I was manipulating him.

Speaking with someone else made me wonder if part of this this time was the pressure of the upcoming wedding and him not being happy with where he life is right now, and not wanting to have to show case that in front of all of our friends and family. I know, everyone will tell that that this doesn't matter. I still haven't contacted him. It's still hard. I still think that visiting him might be right to feel like I have at least put this to bed if nothing else.

I agree with Holly. I cannot BELIEVE you got back with this guy. You have put more love on him that you have for yourself. You really need to get yourself some therapy so you can break this bad pattern. Don't waste another 3, 6, 10 years of your life with hopeless men.

To be really honest, I was going to counseling when I decided to continue my relationship with him, and my counselor believed it was the right thing to do and that our biggest problem was not being physically together. I do intend to start counseling again, and I hear what everyone is saying about my situation (objectively I know it's unbelievable that I have continued with him just from what I have told you), but I know from my posts I'm not giving the full picture. I am still oscillating a lot about how I feel about this all, but I know all I am showing you is just a small portion of a bigger picture.

I don't want to waste my time. I'm too old for that. I guess I do need to realise that I give too much and maybe have to decide I'm giving more than I'm getting sooner than I normally would.

I still think that visiting him might be right to feel like I have at least put this to bed if nothing else.

No, you've already invested years in getting a second breakup, and THAT is your cue to put this to bed.

Think of how long you've been cultivating your fantasies about this guy despite all of his resistance. That's why you're finding it so difficult to view this clearly.

Dis-illusion-ment is painful, and my heart goes out to you. I'm not trying to invalidate your pain, I'm just pointing you in the direction of using your pain productively rather than destructively.

Trust that if you and this guy were ever a 'meant to be' deal, he'll figure that out someday and step up to let you know it. Your continual mission to sell him on forgoing whatever process he needs to work out solo is depriving you both of valuable information: what will this guy want for himself when he's left alone to figure himself out?

Backing off is your percentage play. It serves you regardless of outcomes. If the outcome is that you'll both meet on higher ground someday, you'll each have reached that place on your own, so you'll both be able to trust that he wants to reconcile without any influence from you. If the outcome is that he truly wants to move forward in his life without you, then you'll have already begun a healing process that is healthy and has taught you incremental degrees of self sufficiency that render the guy less and less significant to your own growth and happiness.

Either way, curbing your tendency to attempt influence over this guy is the best possible move for both of you. Allow him to show up if that's what HE wants, and if he does not want that, you're better off learning how to heal and move on.

Head high.

No, you've already invested years in getting a second breakup, and THAT is your cue to put this to bed.

 

Think of how long you've been cultivating your fantasies about this guy despite all of his resistance. That's why you're finding it so difficult to view this clearly.

 

Dis-illusion-ment is painful, and my heart goes out to you. I'm not trying to invalidate your pain, I'm just pointing you in the direction of using your pain productively rather than destructively.

 

Trust that if you and this guy were ever a 'meant to be' deal, he'll figure that out someday and step up to let you know it. Your continual mission to sell him on forgoing whatever process he needs to work out solo is depriving you both of valuable information: what will this guy want for himself when he's left alone to figure himself out?

 

Backing off is your percentage play. It serves you regardless of outcomes. If the outcome is that you'll both meet on higher ground someday, you'll each have reached that place on your own, so you'll both be able to trust that he wants to reconcile without any influence from you. If the outcome is that he truly wants to move forward in his life without you, then you'll have already begun a healing process that is healthy and has taught you incremental degrees of self sufficiency that render the guy less and less significant to your own growth and happiness.

 

Either way, curbing your tendency to attempt influence over this guy is the best possible move for both of you. Allow him to show up if that's what HE wants, and if he does not want that, you're better off learning how to heal and move on.

 

Head high.

I guess they are fantasies. When we're together, of course there are the little problems of day to day living with anyone, but otherwise, everything seems wonderful. It is hard to have gone from the reality of being physically together and everything having been great for five months to this 2 1/2 months later and him breaking up by email while we are apart but undergoing the process to be together again permanently. He seemed like he was in a good place when we were last together, too. It is hard for me to digest and process what seems like a big change to me.

During our relationship I found that when he had periods of higher anxiety he had trouble reaching out to anyone about it, and few inherent coping mechanisms. Me being there for him, encouraging him to take steps (find a therapist, take prescribed medication as needed, use workbooks) helped--he said as much. I think things would have gotten worse if he was on his own. Since I frame the break ups as occurring because of bad periods he's having, my inclination is to want to help support him, but I know, he's not getting to any changes or growth on his own (and maybe he never will) and if we aren't a couple it's not my place to offer support. It's getting into my head (it really is now) that I'm also preventing him from his own processes by inserting myself in the picture. It's still hard for me to see it like that because I am not totally detached from my role as his partner yet, but this is making sense to me.

I am thankful that I had been working on myself the first time this happened, and have better coping skills now than last time, and a better idea of what I need to do to start healing again. I have the urge to find a way to contact him, but I haven't acted on it since break up day, nor have I made any further contact with his family. Small steps, but they are steps.

It might still be my disillusionment, but I think he will come to realise that this was a bad idea some day. Because I had dismantled my life thinking I was moving I'm already in the position that I could make big changes right now and really go in any direction, which is good for me to be able to move one. I realise I find it scary that I might just make those changes and move on, only to have him come back and me not have room for him in my life anymore. I have to remember if that happens and he comes back, I will have moved on, so I will be okay without him.