Fiance in 6 year relationship broke up with me over email

[Elva]

Still sad of course, and still have not contacted him or heard from him. I also haven't received my things that he said he would be shipping, and haven't had as much as a confirmation that anything is coming. My plan right now is to give it until two weeks after the break up to try communicating with one of his family members to see whether they can figure out what is going on with my things. I don't want to get them in the middle of anything, but I would like to get my things back. I know from what I've said about him it probably should be no surprise he hasn't told me what is going on with my things, but if he was making an effort he should have been able to get my things to me by now, and I don't want to feel like I'm in this limbo wondering why I haven't received anything.

[catfeeder]

Still sad of course, and still have not contacted him or heard from him. I also haven't received my things that he said he would be shipping, and haven't had as much as a confirmation that anything is coming. My plan right now is to give it until two weeks after the break up to try communicating with one of his family members to see whether they can figure out what is going on with my things. I don't want to get them in the middle of anything, but I would like to get my things back. I know from what I've said about him it probably should be no surprise he hasn't told me what is going on with my things, but if he was making an effort he should have been able to get my things to me by now, and I don't want to feel like I'm in this limbo wondering why I haven't received anything.

 

What is the dollar value of your things? What does he have that you cannot replace?

 

I'd skip getting his family involved at the expense of your dignity over 'things'. Tally up a dollar value, and put money aside to reach that total. From there you can decide whether you'll want to spend the money to replace those particular things. If so, then there are your things--and if not, consider the amount to be your tuition paid for learning not to use stuff as a wedge between yourself and peace of mind.

 

Head high.

[Elva]

What is the dollar value of your things? What does he have that you cannot replace?

 

I'd skip getting his family involved at the expense of your dignity over 'things'. Tally up a dollar value, and put money aside to reach that total. From there you can decide whether you'll want to spend the money to replace those particular things. If so, then there are your things--and if not, consider the amount to be your tuition paid for learning not to use stuff as a wedge between yourself and peace of mind.

 

Head high.

 

Honestly if I were to have to replace everything that I left there it would be worth my while even to fly out for a day to pick things up instead. They are some of my favourite things. I feel stupid I had left things like that, but it made sense in the circumstances as I knew them. Some things are irreplaceable, but they also have to do with times in our relationship. I know most people would counsel me not to want those things back, but they mean something to me. I suppose that's it, most of these things mean something to me, and I do want them back.

 

I don't want the wedding dress back. I even wish I could say not to send some of it back. Not knowing what or if anything is coming is just adding to my already high stress level at the moment. And of course I think there's the sense of finality when I receive my things. I know I shouldn't want this relationship to continue as it is, but I have that feeling of what if things were like they were two weeks ago again, and right now that feels like it would be alright, although I know it really wouldn't be. My things coming will crush that feeling, which is I guess why I find figuring out what's going on with them to be so urgent.

[Wiseman2]

Send an copy of an itemized list of your things to him via certified mail with a letter and offer to pay shipping. Detail the day you left, the day he said he would send them etc. That will be clear and expedite things. Also give a time limit and as you suggested offer to fly and collect them yourself (which you are actually obligated to do, since he is not a storage facility and he is under no obligation to pay shipping)

 

This covers all your bases legally so he can't just toss them.

[Elva]

Send an copy of an itemized list of your things to him via certified mail with a letter and offer to pay shipping. Detail the day you left, the day he said he would send them etc. That will be clear and expedite things. Also give a time limit and as you suggested offer to fly and collect them yourself (which you are actually obligated to do, since he is not a storage facility and he is under no obligation to pay shipping)

 

This covers all your bases legally so he can't just toss them.

 

Thanks for the advice, Wiseman. I think I still might try broaching things with his family first, because I think I will at minimum get a response from one of them and I can't guarantee I will get anything from him the way this has been going. I'm not trying to turn this all into his obligation or anything like that. I don't have a problem helping pay for shipping or going and getting things myself. I thought at minimum he would tell me what or when he is planning on shipping (as I said, some things I don't particularly want back). Maybe he's not ready to talk to me about that yet either, but I just don't want this to drag on and am sort of a crazy person checking the mail right now.

 

If his family doesn't want to end up in the middle of this (which I understand) I will take the letter suggestion. My cousin is actually not so far from where he lives right now doing some training, and could make a good exchange person. He's not there long though, and I just don't know whether I'll be able to get a response to arrange things in time.

[Elva]

Contacted sister. I know she doesn't want to get in the middle of this, and I feel horrible for making her. I suspect this is going to end up us communicating through his sister, which feels so incredibly childish, but I'm trying to remember I'm not the one who dropped the bomb on our relationship and is now refusing to be adult about even finalizing things. The whole situation still just blows my mind.

 

I also read a book on commitment phobia (self help books seem to be all I can focus on right now--not sure it is good or bad). I can definitely see him as the active partner and me as the passive one in this relationship. Something else I need to work on and figure out. When he and I met he was in what he told me was a casual relationship with another woman. We became friends and were attracted to each other. He told me the woman in the casual relationship had started pushing him for more and he just wasn't that interested, but knew he was interested in me, so he broke things off with her and we started a relationship. I didn't think much of it because casual relationships are just that, and they don't always go any further than that. I remember him telling me she was acting like a lunatic when he broke things off, particularly because it was never a serious relationship. This whole thing seems like a classic commitment phobe story--he had probably been sending her mixed messages and made her think it was a much more serious relationship than it was, then he just suddenly pulled the plug like he did on me (albeit, years later) turning her world upside and making her feel crazy. I didn't see it as a red flag at the time, just as a woman being upset things didn't work out. Wish I knew then what I know now.

[Elva]

His sister passed on the message, and he emailed me to say he had been having trouble moving on sending my things, but that was wrong of him and he would send them in the next day or so and give me the tracking number. It made him seem like less of a monster, which I have been making him in my head. I kept wondering where the man I was in love with had gone, or if he just didn't exist. He's just messed up.

 

At first I felt good that he was feeling bad too (and what a silly thought because of course he is feeling bad about all of this), but it's just turned into me feeling so sad about the finality of everything, even though I know things couldn't go on as they were. I tried to email back asking if he could tell me what he was sending so that we are on the same page (I don't want to have to get in contact again with his sister if I am missing things), and to please just dispose of the wedding dress. But, it looks like my email is still blocked, so I'm not sure there was even any point in that. I am furious that he can't just act like an adult in ending things. I'm furious he didn't even want to try, that he just ran away, but I know, I know, I can't change him and I can't be in love with this potential person who is willing to work on himself and try.

[Wiseman2]

Passive-aggressive people are never really in relationships with both feet. Glad he's sending your stuff back. Sell, get rid of the dress yourself if he happens to send it.

he would send them in the next day or so and give me the tracking number.

[Elva]

My friend texted him. Dress is coming, but what he has described sending isn't everything I expected. I guess I should just be happy I'm getting something back. Very very angry right now.

[Wiseman2]

Unclear why you can't text him directly with a list specific things you left and want returned and offer to pay shipping?

My friend texted him. Dress is coming, but what he has described sending isn't everything I expected. I guess I should just be happy I'm getting something back. Very very angry right now.

[Elva]

Unclear why you can't text him directly with a list specific things you left and want returned and offer to pay shipping?

 

He has literally blocked communication from me every way possible--email, text, skype, hangouts, phone, etc (it is the most childish thing, and I still can't believe he's behaving like this) so I had a friend text him. Once I get this initial shipment of things I'll see whether I think things are missing and assess how important they are to get back. Communication from him today was miserable and I don't want to have to do this again if I don't need to.

 

It's terrible to think this is the true character of someone I was with for years. It's so truly disappointing; I'm having a very hard time with that just now. My counselor is telling me to remember how lucky I am I am out now, and not to think I am unlucky because things have ended. I know that's right really.

[Elva]

I received my first bag of things from him today. There was more in the bag than he had initially indicated, so in part I was fretting over things that were coming (and if he had just told me everything that was coming he could have alleviated a lot of the anxiety I expressed over what I was receiving. He couldn't even do that for me). A second bag is still to come (not sure why they are clearing customs separately). It sent me into a real spiral though (more proof that things are over--I know they are over, but I was finally having a day where I felt more on even keel and this just put me over the edge emotionally again). I am having those desperate feelings that I want to be comforted by him. I know that is so crazy and that's just me grieving and feeling abandoned and cut off from my bond with him, which I am, it is gone. I'm trying to post here so I don't reach out to him--especially because I ridiculously know I won't get anything from him so this can only end up with me feeling worse. I still can't understand how fantasies and uncertainties about what might be attract him over the certainty and goodness of me. But I know that problem is all on him and nothing to do with me. I know I am lovable and I will be loved again, some time in future, when my heart is ready. I just need to give everything time. Keep grieving and knowing he is not good for me.