Fiance in 6 year relationship broke up with me over email

[Elva]

It's maybe not the best to re-read the break up email, but it makes me feel more certain that I am not going to hear anything from him. I don't know if that's a good reality check or not.

[Ms Darcy]

I've had many a friend waste their fertile years on idiots. By the time they were ready to move on and found healthy men for marriage, they were too old for kids.

 

You are literally wasting your own time.

[catfeeder]

It's maybe not the best to re-read the break up email, but it makes me feel more certain that I am not going to hear anything from him. I don't know if that's a good reality check or not.

 

Really good and thoughtful post above, and great work, Elva.

 

The beauty of not trying to predict anything is that it liberates you from trying to predict anything.

 

Allow life to teach you what you'll need to know, and skip the tea leaves.

 

Head high, you're doing great. Even during times when you believe you're not doing well at all, trust that grief is natural, it's painful, it predictably makes you feel crazy--but you're still okay.

 

Write more if it helps, and head high.

[Elva]

Thank you, catfeeder. I know I just need to see where this goes, letting it go as it will, and focus on me. I made an appointment with my counselor, and I am looking forward to going over everything with her because she knows me and the background to the relationship, and I think she will really help me reflect on the whole situation.

 

With him or without him I am safe, and okay, and there are lots of people who love me and who are here for me, and I just need to focus on my well-being even through the moments where I feel like a lunatic. As long as I'm not contacting him right now, I feel like I'm doing okay.

[catfeeder]

Thank you, catfeeder. I know I just need to see where this goes, letting it go as it will, and focus on me. I made an appointment with my counselor, and I am looking forward to going over everything with her because she knows me and the background to the relationship, and I think she will really help me reflect on the whole situation.

 

With him or without him I am safe, and okay, and there are lots of people who love me and who are here for me, and I just need to focus on my well-being even through the moments where I feel like a lunatic. As long as I'm not contacting him right now, I feel like I'm doing okay.

 

All good. You need to avoid another scenario where you influence the guy. You can see how he turned that around on you, at some point--and that's predictable.

 

Learn from experience that playing the role of 'parent' to someone else's weaknesses might 'feel' loving, but it positions your lover in a child role. Well, what do children DO as they attempt to grow beyond being parented? They rebel.

 

So associating love with being a driver in someone else's life might effect some short term gains, but it causes an imbalance in the relationship that may not only get you tossed, eventually, it's also not even healthy for YOU.

 

Do you really want a future with a partner you feel a need to manage? That's not support, it's something else.

 

These are questions you may want to work through with your counselor. Meanwhile, you're doing an admirable job of all the most difficult stuff: reflection, self honesty and positive self talk.

 

You can do this.

[Elva]

He and I had a personal blog. I went and looked at the things I was thinking and feeling and writing when we were going through this the last time, and it was like I was back in time. Some of the things I said then I could say again today (but I'm not saying it to him today, which is the difference). I feel different going through the break up again, and when I assess myself, I think I was different in the second iteration of our relationship, but the fact that we are back in the same place just shows that he didn't actually move through any of his issues. I know I need to stay away so he can, whatever the outcome.

 

I want to be on the same level with my partner. I relied on him and he helped me too, but maybe it did tip too far in that parent/child direction at times. I need to think about that. Some of this I just thought was part of living with someone with anxiety, but I have to stop excusing everything by thinking of it as being anxiety driven.

 

Thank you, I will do this.

[Wiseman2]

To be honest, it doesn't matter the reasons he jerked you around, with repeated break-ups, etc. What matters is not over-investing or fixing anyone. What matters is moving on and realizing the new found freedom from this albatross around your neck creating chaos in your life.

 

You will feel better when you cut your losses emotionally.

he had periods of higher anxiety he had trouble reaching out to anyone about it, and few inherent coping mechanisms. Me being there for him, encouraging him to take steps (find a therapist, take prescribed medication as needed, use workbooks) helped

[Hollyj]

I guess they are fantasies. When we're together, of course there are the little problems of day to day living with anyone, but otherwise, everything seems wonderful. It is hard to have gone from the reality of being physically together and everything having been great for five months to this 2 1/2 months later and him breaking up by email while we are apart but undergoing the process to be together again permanently. He seemed like he was in a good place when we were last together, too. It is hard for me to digest and process what seems like a big change to me.

 

During our relationship I found that when he had periods of higher anxiety he had trouble reaching out to anyone about it, and few inherent coping mechanisms. Me being there for him, encouraging him to take steps (find a therapist, take prescribed medication as needed, use workbooks) helped--he said as much. I think things would have gotten worse if he was on his own. Since I frame the break ups as occurring because of bad periods he's having, my inclination is to want to help support him, but I know, he's not getting to any changes or growth on his own (and maybe he never will) and if we aren't a couple it's not my place to offer support. It's getting into my head (it really is now) that I'm also preventing him from his own processes by inserting myself in the picture. It's still hard for me to see it like that because I am not totally detached from my role as his partner yet, but this is making sense to me.

 

I am thankful that I had been working on myself the first time this happened, and have better coping skills now than last time, and a better idea of what I need to do to start healing again. I have the urge to find a way to contact him, but I haven't acted on it since break up day, nor have I made any further contact with his family. Small steps, but they are steps.

 

It might still be my disillusionment, but I think he will come to realise that this was a bad idea some day. Because I had dismantled my life thinking I was moving I'm already in the position that I could make big changes right now and really go in any direction, which is good for me to be able to move one. I realise I find it scary that I might just make those changes and move on, only to have him come back and me not have room for him in my life anymore. I have to remember if that happens and he comes back, I will have moved on, so I will be okay without him.

 

Elva, did you read into co dependency? This is one of the most co dependent posts I have read in awhile.

[Elva]

Elva, did you read into co dependency? This is one of the most co dependent posts I have read in awhile.

 

I only did some reading online, and I know that I might get told I am crazy for this, but I did not feel that a lot of it applied to me. Some, definitely, but the history with addiction, etc, no. And it might not sound like it, but I do have self-esteem and feel like I know who I am. I don't feel like there is no one in the world but my partner, nor will I do anything not to be abandoned by him; I know there are other people out there who could be for me, but I acknowledge I have very deep feelings for my ex and a compatibility with him, and there is a reason we were in a relationship of this length that has nothing to do with me care giving. Needing care was never a daily issue with him, more a periodic one that I knew would effect him throughout his life. I do have the tendency to want to help more than I should. I had to help take care of my father as a young adult while he was dying of cancer, and I realise this may have predisposed me to taking on a caregiver role.

 

I know at our last breakup I was in a considerably worse place myself--I was experiencing high levels of stress because of my former career and it was really effecting me negatively physically and emotionally. I realise that level of stress clouded my thinking a lot in past, because although I'm in a lot of pain now, it doesn't feel like the life-shattering crisis it did at that time. When I think of myself when I was experiencing extreme stress, however, my tendency for fear of abandonment, etc., was a lot higher because I was having trouble handling what I was already experiencing without having a breakup thrown into the mix.

 

I guess from my previous experiences I'm not scared by someone needing help--but I can see that obviously this can get to the point where I'm giving too much and it's not healthy for me, and not helping them. In future I will have to carefully reflect on maintaining a healthy boundary between helping when a partner has an issue and over-investing if it's something they are not working to improve so I can cut my losses. I will definitely speak to my counselor about co-dependency, however.

[Hollyj]

I only did some reading online, and I know that I might get told I am crazy for this, but I did not feel that a lot of it applied to me. Some, definitely, but the history with addiction, etc, no. And it might not sound like it, but I do have self-esteem and feel like I know who I am. I don't feel like there is no one in the world but my partner, nor will I do anything not to be abandoned by him; I know there are other people out there who could be for me, but I acknowledge I have very deep feelings for my ex and a compatibility with him, and there is a reason we were in a relationship of this length that has nothing to do with me care giving. Needing care was never a daily issue with him, more a periodic one that I knew would effect him throughout his life. I do have the tendency to want to help more than I should. I had to help take care of my father as a young adult while he was dying of cancer, and I realise this may have predisposed me to taking on a caregiver role.

 

I know at our last breakup I was in a considerably worse place myself--I was experiencing high levels of stress because of my former career and it was really effecting me negatively physically and emotionally. I realise that level of stress clouded my thinking a lot in past, because although I'm in a lot of pain now, it doesn't feel like the life-shattering crisis it did at that time. When I think of myself when I was experiencing extreme stress, however, my tendency for fear of abandonment, etc., was a lot higher because I was having trouble handling what I was already experiencing without having a breakup thrown into the mix.

 

I guess from my previous experiences I'm not scared by someone needing help--but I can see that obviously this can get to the point where I'm giving too much and it's not healthy for me, and not helping them. In future I will have to carefully reflect on maintaining a healthy boundary between helping when a partner has an issue and over-investing if it's something they are not working to improve so I can cut my losses. I will definitely speak to my counselor about co-dependency, however.

 

You do feel that you can rescue him:

 

If you give him enough love, he will change

Sacrificing your own needs, for his

[Elva]

You do feel that you can rescue him:

 

If you give him enough love, he will change

Sacrificing your own needs, for his

 

I don't mean to seem dense Hollyj, and I am appreciative of your help and what you say because it does make me think and I'm trying to look at it from your perspective, but I don't see myself as wanting to change him, although there may be an aspect of wanting to rescue. I wanted to be a support to him, but I always knew it was on him to change, although I acknowledge I may have given support to the point that I was over investing in the relationship. I knew I always had to take him as he was, and that it was up to me to decide if I could live with him as he was, and not based on who I thought he could be. Maybe it does mean I didn't ask enough of a partner, and that's a fair comment. I did seriously consider breaking up with him during a period of his high anxiety because I was not sure I had it in me to support him through something like that on a ongoing basis. I don't know he would have reciprocated that support if the shoe was on the other foot though, and that should have signaled to me I was over investing.

[Hollyj]

We don't know your entire relationship, just a snapshot, from what you have provided. I was getting the co dep. vibe from your story, but if I'm wrong. I'm wrong. Not the first time.

[Elva]

We don't know your entire relationship, just a snapshot, from what you have provided. I was getting the co dep. vibe from your story, but if I'm wrong. I'm wrong. Not the first time.

 

I really am still thinking about what you said, Holly. I started reading "Women who love too much" (not sure it is the best book on the subject, but it is the one I got) and it makes me feel uncomfortable, which probably means there is more of me in it than I would like to admit. I don't know that I look for men to change them, or even want to change my partners, but once I am invested in a relationship and they have a problem (in this relationship anxiety, in another impotence) I do tend to stay and "help" even when things are at the point where my needs are not being met because of disregard or sheer inability to focus on another person because my partner is in such crisis. My father died when I was a young adult and I did a lot of care giving for him during his illness; it may very well be that when a man I am in a relationship with has something I classify as an illness I go into that rescue mode and repeat the way I had to provide care giving to my father without regard for my own well being and co-dependent behaviours kick in.

 

Either way it is something I need to think about. I want to be better, and some day I would like to be in a healthy relationship, and I need to figure out what has lead me to be in unhealthy relationships in past.

[Hollyj]

I've heard that it is a good book. You're right, if it makes you uncomfortable, then there are similarities.

 

Elva, I don't think that you choose these 'projects' due to your father's illness, but due to your own emotional unavailability. Perhaps, you are scared of losing someone close, and so you purposely choose people that will never be there completely. This is safe for you - I did it myself (emotional wall). Being a Florence Nightingale is not about caring, but about control - I'm sorry to say, very co dependent.

 

I highly suggest you look at Natalie Lue's site: baggage reclaim.com I learned a lot about myself, and who I was choosing to be in my life.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Being a martyr is a control freak with a noble facade.

[Elva]

Thank you for the blog recommendation, Hollyj, I will check it out. I'm thinking about the emotional unavailability issue. I did not feel at all emotionally distant in my last relationship, so that's hard to get my head around.

[Hollyj]

People that are emotionally healthy would never pursue this type of drama. They want someone who is ready to commit, and is not putting up obstacles preventing a healthy relationship . Remember, we choose what we believe we deserve.

 

Relationships should not be one-sided.

[catfeeder]

I don't know that I look for men to change them, or even want to change my partners, but once I am invested in a relationship and they have a problem (in this relationship anxiety, in another impotence) I do tend to stay and "help" even when things are at the point where my needs are not being met because of disregard or sheer inability to focus on another person because my partner is in such crisis. My father died when I was a young adult and I did a lot of care giving for him during his illness; it may very well be that when a man I am in a relationship with has something I classify as an illness I go into that rescue mode and repeat the way I had to provide care giving to my father without regard for my own well being and co-dependent behaviours kick in.

 

Yep. It's common for some people to use caregiving as a form of currency. This doesn't need to be conscious. While it may feel like 'love' to you, and it bonds you even while you question whether you really want to stay, it creates a form of indebtedness from a lover, even while he questions whether he wants to stay. So you both feel a sense of obligation. While yours may bond you, his builds resentment.

 

Charity always feels better to the giver than the receiver. Indebtedness is the reason why. Add to that your tendency to 'work on' a guy who breaks up with you, and you've compounded the problem into something that only delays the expiration date on the relationship.

 

So consider all of the ways you pushed past the fact that your needs were not being met, and figure out better ways to get your needs met--such as meeting them yourself.

 

Head high.

[Elva]

I finally got to a part in the book I am reading where I could see it was me respecting denial and control--a lot of the book to that point had been about co dependents and addicts, and I have no experience with a partner with an addiction, so I had trouble relating. I also saw my counselor and she helped clarify this a lot for me. It's hard for me to think of myself as controlling, although I saw it in both my mother and my grandmother. This care as control is more masked; theirs was more overt and obvious ("If you don't do x I will never speak to you again."). I never wanted to be like they were, so I am finding it a very painful realization today that my care=control. This was a very difficult day. I'm sorry I couldn't take what was being said here more to heart, it just took me longer to get there.

 

I am also left feeling like so much of this situation is my fault. My partner and I were compatible in a lot of deep ways that had nothing to do with co dependency, and I wonder what would have happened if I was able to respect reasonable boundaries in past and had let him take care of himself. But I'm trying to remember that even if I had let him take care of himself, if he had not been working on his mental health issues this still would not have been a viable or healthy relationship, and that it just would have been me who pulled the plug.

 

I have the strongest impulse to tell him I've figured out part of what our problem was, but I'm not. I'm working hard not to distract myself from the things I am feeling too. I want to get better and I do want a close, committed relationship in future, not these hideous highs and lows.

[Wiseman2]

Don't beat yourself up over anything. Relationships take two. Agree, whether he fixed him or you tried to fix him it would not have worked anyway.

even if I had let him take care of himself, if he had not been working on his mental health issues this still would not have been a viable or healthy relationship, and that it just would have been me who pulled the plug

[Elva]

Thank you, Wiseman. I know it is still early and this idea will fade, but I have this sad thought that if only we could have both been seeking therapy and both getting better we would have otherwise been able to have a happy and fulfilling relationship. I'm still left feeling that things were very good between us--secure and trusting--until his anxiety manifested and my co dependence kicked in. Of course, with either of us not getting better it still wouldn't have worked.

[Hollyj]

You're 'Florencing,' again. Don't you think it's time to accept that you two were/are not healthy together. You must accept that this is who he is. It would never have worked, had you both sought therapy, you two were atttracted to one another, due to the unhealthy dynamic.

 

Stop trying to fix everyone, just focus on yourself.

[Wiseman2]

Try to think of it this way: plenty of relationships end where neither has an issue or needs therapy, so it could be the usual incompatibilities,etc.

I have this sad thought that if only we could have both been seeking therapy and both getting better we would have otherwise been able to have a happy and fulfilling relationship.

[Baba1966]

Elva, my situation is somewhat similar in that I spent close to 4 years in an on again/off again relationship with a man, whom I love very deeply. We broke up just over two months ago, for the third time. This is after spending the past 6 months in, what I thought was, a relationship that was moving forward in a healthy manner. He broke up with me over text - one week after spending 9 days together in the carribean on a very romantic vacation. We had no issues at all over the past 6 months - talking about moving in (he was already spending 4-5 nights a week at my place), and talking about purchasing a vacation home together in the islands for the two of us, talking about our future together. One week after we returned from vacation he ended the relationship over a text message. No discussion, refused to talk to me. Told me that "he didn't see a future" for us. I share that story with you for context that I can relate to what you are going through.

 

My advice to you is feel your feelings - be sad, angry, whatever. If, as mine did, the breakup was totally out of the blue with no warning please know that you are likely in shock. This may be more difficult to get over than a "normal" break up, one that you might have seen coming (I know first hand, because I am just out of the shock/devastation stage now). I will take a while to proces your feelings. A blindsided break up and where you are provided no opportunity to discuss anything is like experiencing a death - you are or will go through a grief like process. Let yourself feel every emotion. Get it out. Talk about it, write about it, whatever you need to do. It is essential to healing.

 

Accept that the relationship is over and cannot and should not be fixed. It is broken.

 

Don't believe you can fix him and his issues. They are his issues to fix.

 

A man who yo-yo's in and out of relationship is not committed - do you want that chaos in your life? Your words that the highs and lows were "hideous" (YES! they certainly are).

 

Stay in no contact, and continue to get help for youself. Heal and move forward. Understand your role in the relationship, but don't put the burden of it being all your fault on yourself, it wasn't all your fault.

 

Respect him and his boundaries - do not contact him. That will show that you respect yourself, too.

 

Be kind to yourself - don't beat yourself up.

 

Finally, know that you can continue to have love for him, but it doesn't mean he should to be part of your life.

 

Hugs... it does get easier with time.

[Elva]

Thank you for sharing your story, Baba1966. It actually sounds very similar to my situation. My ex-fiance had started withdrawing from me, but he kept insisting he was having trouble with us being long distance again, so it was still quite a shock that he did this, and especially like this. I'm talking and writing about everything a lot, and my days right now usually are going from being fairly numb to painfully sad as the day progresses. I know it will get better, but I guess like anyone I wish this was a faster process.

 

No, I really don't want chaos in my life. I want stability and commitment, and it doesn't matter how compatible I feel I am with someone if they are not giving me that commitment.

 

I have been staying no contact. I now see that I acted codependent and his lack of commitment was crazy making at times, but my counselor is also helping me see that the fact he wasn't getting treatment was always going to be a problem. I have to remember that I was giving too much to the anxiety, and I know that the relationship break down wasn't all my fault.

 

I also realise now that he and I were both bad about maintaining and not stepping over each other's boundaries. I am respecting his, and journaling when I have the impulse to contact him and overstep. I know it's good for me too. My counselor has me focusing on writing about the bad parts of the relationship right now, and I'm already surprised at how many I can come up with. They are mostly little things, but when you add them all up it becomes something bigger.

 

I still am thinking about him more than I would like, but I am remember it has somehow only been just over a week since this happened and that I need more time to process this and for it to pass. I had really thrown my life upside down for him, so I have a lot of dreams that I have to grieve, as well as my loss of him.

 

I think he and I will always care deeply for each other, but you're right, it doesn't mean that we should necessarily be together.

 

Hugs to you too.