Shattered : Person I loved got married behind my back

Hi all,

I haven' t been here in a while. However, here I am. Yesterday, I found out the I have been dating for years got married behind my back. I don't know what I should do or what else to say. It not only broke me, it's shattered me and I don't know if I could recover. This male was my friend for years before we started dated. So, not only did I lose the man I loved. I lost my long time friend. I am hurting and have been crying none stop. I am just in pieces. If anyone can offer some encouraging word, they will be greatly appreciated. This is a nightmare and I feel empty. I am angry and I am hurt. I never though this would happen to me again ( I have something similar happen some years back. I posted that story in here)..

Got married behind your back????? Were you dating still? Was this long distance?

I understand your hurt. Read my story. Same boat.

I don't understand. Is there an epidemic of peoples partners suddenly marrying someone else. How do you get married behind someone's back? Wouldn't there be clues like caterers and wedding planners visiting the house? Wedding invitations showing up? Bachelor parties?

I'm totally confused.

I'm confused too. How did this happen? Please provide some details. The only good thing I can think of is good thing you weren't married to him already and he took off with someone else.

Well, in 2010 you were broken up when your X got married to another girl. Sounded like you were more upset about him not marrying you, like why did you marry her and not me?. Now 6yrs later you post something simular.

I have 2 questions... Did this guy break up with you prior to getting married? and Is is possible you missed either red flags or signs?

Yes, I was still dating him and no we were not long distance. We live in the same city (I'm about 30 minutes away from him). I didn't know because I didn't investigate anything. I tried to give him my full trust (I broke up with him at one point because he was seeing someone else. I ended up taking him back after a long time because I loved him and I assume the other woman was gone (he said she was)..) We live in different houses and we use to go to each other house. It wasn't until recently, that I began to wonder why after we were out that he always wanted to come to my house. I went off a hunch and searched facebook yesterday and that when I saw the wedding pic. So, I'm going to say because I didn't snoop or any of that, that's how it got passed me.. I'm guilty of being naïve because that woman was who he ended up marrying..

I know someone who went through the exact same thing. The best thing you can do for yourself is to move on, whatever you felt for him he didn't for you. You can recover you just have to start the process, the feelings will not go straight away but you need to come to terms with what has happened & also understand it's not your fault or because something was missing in you. He just isn't a respectable person if he decided to do that.

And use this as a guide for your future, think about the relationship did you see any signs and the next time you date someone else be aware of the signs, it's not to look for perfection in someone but somethings are just inexcusable. I believe love is conditional (there should be respect, care etc) and unconditional love has great chance of ending badly because we go 100% and tend to be unaware of what goes on around us.

No1,

Yeah, that's an entirely different ex.. That ex left me for the girl he cheated on me with (He married her).. I totally moved on from him (matter of fact, I am able to talk to him again after all these years in a cordial manner)..This is a totally different person with a similar outcome (except he did all this while still dating me). As far as red flags and signs, I may have missed some, but he was treating me as his mate. So, I chalked it up to me making assumptions and trying to sabatoge the relationship.. I can admit I may have missed some flags, however, I didn't deserve this.

It sounds like he was cheating on her/you all the while. Be glad he's gone and not cheating on you at least, anymore. You can do better than that.

It wasn't until recently, that I began to wonder why after we were out that he always wanted to come to my house. I'm guilty of being naïve because that woman was who he ended up marrying..

I think at this stage you need to really take a hard look at yourself and the decisions you make when choosing a potential partner. There are enough red flags in both those scenarios(2010 and present) to stock a flag store.

I say this not to be mean but to help. I too, after two failed relationships had to re-evaluate the choices I was making. It was hard and a bit painful but I was brutally honest with myself and I tried to change things.

And it worked for me as I'm in a long term relationship and about to be married. And this time I can really trust the person.

You can change if you want to.

Clinton,

Thank you. I don't take it as mean because I know you are right. I just have a giving heart and sometimes I can become blind to what's in front of my eyes. Both of those individuals were long time friends before we had a relationship. So, I definitely think that may have clouded my judgement and let things slide. I feel that if I had just met them, then that would have been a different story. Being friends prior may have allowed me to be a little naïve because of our friendship and I thought I knew how they were. I understand where you are coming from and I hope one day to find a person that loves and appreciates me like you have.

Few things render me speechless, and this is one of them. I can't comprehend how people can do things like this! I thought my boyfriend proposing to me and then dumping me the following day without explanation was pretty bad, but what happened to you takes the cake... I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling!

The only thing I can tell you is that time will heal you, but you will be left with trust issues - hopefully you will be able to overcome them. And another thing that I can come up with is that you need to try and see how lucky you are that you are not the woman he married. At least you get to heal and rebuild your life right now, she doesn't and will be stuck in this sorry excuse for a marriage until who knows when. It may be years until somehow she figures out what a snake she's married (if she ever does), and removing him out of her life will be costly and will involve lots of drama and heartache. She's stuck with him, you're free. I hope you can take comfort in this thought and manage to look at what happened as something positive instead of negative and torturous.

Fwiw, the guy I mentioned above ended up marrying the girl he dropped me for, and I have heard numerous times along the years that he's been constantly cheating on her left right and center, which is not a position I would ever envy. In the end, she did me a favor by removing the cheating pest out of my life.

Yes, I was still dating him and no we were not long distance. We live in the same city (I'm about 30 minutes away from him). I didn't know because I didn't investigate anything. I tried to give him my full trust (I broke up with him at one point because he was seeing someone else. I ended up taking him back after a long time because I loved him and I assume the other woman was gone (he said she was)..) We live in different houses and we use to go to each other house. It wasn't until recently, that I began to wonder why after we were out that he always wanted to come to my house. I went off a hunch and searched facebook yesterday and that when I saw the wedding pic. So, I'm going to say because I didn't snoop or any of that, that's how it got passed me.. I'm guilty of being naïve because that woman was who he ended up marrying..

My husband went through the same thing. They lived a few hours away, and never visited eachother. She said she broke up with her fiance. At one point to keep him away, she claimed she had lukemia, and was ashamed to see him because her hair fell out. So one day, he shaved off all his hair, drove down to see her, and called her to surprise her, and out front of her house. Looks through her window, and she doesn't even bother answering his call, and has all her hair, of course. And he's an actual genius.

I'm sorry that he was such a manipulative, lying, scum bucket and plain flat out evil. I hope he gets his come-uppings with early onset baldness and a horrific sex life brought on by a lifetime of insecurities and inauthenticness.

If it's any consolation, two years later after that happened, we start dating, and now happily married with kids.

Autch, that hurts and I really hope you recover.

However, I'm sorry for my curiosity, but how long had you been dating? You didn't have access to his social media before? There weren't photos of his wedding where he was tagged or pictures of them together? Did you have friends in common? Did you know is friends and family?

Also, how did he react to the fact that you found out?

I'm sorry for all these questions. Thanks.

Autch, that hurts and I really hope you recover.

 

However, I'm sorry for my curiosity, but how long had you been dating? You didn't have access to his social media before? There weren't photos of his wedding where he was tagged or pictures of them together? Did you have friends in common? Did you know is friends and family?

 

Also, how did he react to the fact that you found out?

 

I'm sorry for all these questions. Thanks.

Dating for about 4 years. We were friends for about 6 years prior. Yes, had access to his social media. He doesn't use it too much. So, he kept his FB account locked down. Didn't think too much of it because he running for a political office and he didn't want people getting info off his facebook page. I got a hunch and went to the girl (that he led me to believe he was done with) page. Her last name was changed to his and she was in a wedding dress in her profile.

When I busted him, he was trying to apologize and begging and crying to keep me in his life as a friend. Telling me we have mental connection and he hasn't felt that with anyone else. I took all as bullshyt and told him that I am not going to remain in his life in any capacity. So, I lost a long time friend and a man I loved. I thought we were working towards building a life. However, I just realized I was used as a rebound (he was divorced almost a year before we got together) until he found what he wanted and just continued to use me. He tried to reduce my importance in his life by saying that we didn't know where we stood (when I kept telling him what I wanted). I am to blame for not demanding respect, but even though I feel like it, I don't deserve this. He knew what I wanted. He even admitted he did. He just wasn't man enough to say anything because he wanted us both. He cried and begged for me to be his 'friend'.. He said he was going to tell me he got married, but it had been like two weeks. So, I know he wasn't going to tell me because he couldn't even man up and say he got engaged.

For some reason, even though I told him to stay away, He is going to try to find his way back because that is just who he is.

Hopefully you will block him from everything and move on to find someone who doesn't lie or cheat.

I am not going to remain in his life in any capacity. He said he was going to tell me he got married, but it had been like two weeks.I told him to stay away, He is going to try to find his way back because that is just who he is.

Hopefully you will block him from everything and move on to find someone who doesn't lie or cheat.

To show I wasn't playing with him, I deleted him from my facebook in front of his face. I have blocked him on my google messenger and all other social media. I will admit since both of us run track on the masters circuit, we will have encounters. As for me, he is blocked. I don't know the future and I ain't trying to predict it, but I know how I feel as of now, and that is hurt and angry. I'm not going to settle for that.

Few things render me speechless, and this is one of them. I can't comprehend how people can do things like this!

I agree, this is just appalling. What makes it even worse QWit, is that, once busted, he insults your intelligence by thinking a few tears are going to make it all better and that you will be happy to be friends with him!!

This man was living a double life with no intentions of ever telling you. Like you say, he hadn't bothered to tell you he was engaged or even that he was seeing someone prior to the engagement!!!

"Running for political office" .... now why doesn't that surprise me?!

So glad you have blocked this self-obsessed jerk!

Excellent. He's is a horrible friend and an even worse partner and an abysmal new husband. In retrospect you will be so happy he's gone for good. Focus on starting to date decent men, so if you encounter him at events your new loyal bf will be there.

As for me, he is blocked

You are quite right when you say you do not deserve this.No one has the right to treat anyone like this.Falling in love was once a beautiful thing, but because of some men's selfishness and dishonesty it has become a dreaded thing.A few months after breaking up with someone I knew for years ,I found out he got married to someone else so I know this relationship was going on while he was dating me.I got to know on Facebook when I saw that the woman in question changed her surname to his.I was mentally prepared ,however it doesn't take the sting out of the hurt and pain I felt .His excuse was that he did it to get over me.Lies,all lies.

I am sorry. I was dating my husband for three years. We got married and three weeks later he left town for "work" When he got back the woman he was dating one month more than me found me he took her to our honeymoon place three weeks later. He saw her ever 2-3 weeks and when I was out of town. She had no idea about me nor me her. Now I am shattered facing a divorce. He claims she tried to commit suicide twice and he didn't want to be the reason she left her kids. He claims he was hoping the less time he gave her she would go away. I don't know how she thought they had a relationship when she never been to his house and he saw her 2-3 weeks apart and never weekends except a few I was out of town but he was manipulating her i am sure. Says the vacation was a goodbye since she wasn't giving up. Now I am trying to regain my dignity because I don't know how I missed this. He said he was working OT when he was seeing her I had no reason to question.

Hello,

I am so sorry this is what they do people put in all there time and energy being a girlfriend and the boom they end up marrying someone else.

This thread is 2.5 years old.

people put in all there time and energy being a girlfriend and the boom they end up marrying someone else.

I am the one he married after dating us both for three years she found out and dropped the bomb on me. From what I gather he was seeing her once a week using work few weekends here and there. I don't get how she saw that as a relationship. I mean she didn't know where he lived.... She has made my life hell she has taunted me on facebook. Made a fake page and requested my entire family.