Overwhelming pain

I wrote a post a while ago about my struggle. Basically outlining the story of what went down in my relationship. It's almost been 6.5 months since the breakup, and I thought I was getting better. But this last month it feels like I am right back to square one. I know that you can't put a timeline on healing at all but I feel like at this point I should be better.

I have had no contact with him for over 2 months, and I guess it hurts so much that he's totally OK with that. I understand he's trying to be fair to his new relationship, but kills me that he's being loyal to this person when he couldnt be loyal to someone he was with for five years. I hate playing the victim..and I know my short comings in the relationship.

I worked too much, played soccer, had school and we struggled with where we wanted to end up eventually. I am really struggling with him saying things to me at the end such as "if she wasn't in the picture I would have though about us more clearly and wanted to work on communication" or "I really regret not trying to fix things". Instead of even trying remotely.. He screwed over my parents and hurt me so badly...if he has these regrets why does he stay with someone that sounds like such a stage five clinger? What does she have that I didn't? What kind of women gets involved with someone who just bought a house with his gf and hasn't even broken up with her yet? Does that seem like a good foundation? Will he ever hurt like I do or does he just get to move on his merry way in this relationship, no repercussions for the hurt and never to think of me again?

I'm sorry I'm ranting, I have said all these things before, but the urge to contact him and try one more time to give us a shot is overwhelming and I don't want to break NC and look like a fool. I have slept with another guy, had some fun but have been totally aware that I'm not over my ex and not ready for a relationship.

I recognized things I have done wrong in the relationship, when I had doubts I didn't discuss them with him, just waited for them to pass.I may have neglected him at times, but they were all things that I was more then willing to fix if he had talked to.me about things. But he didn't..at all.

I know I'm attractive, I could have done exactly what he did many times, but I am extremely loyal and I would never hurt someone like that, I loved him. And I know there are plenty of great guys out there. But why do I want him back so badly?? Is it my ego? Is it even love anymore or just my self esteem shattered by how be treated me at the end..and how he picked overlapping instead of working on things and talking about issues. I don't want to want him anymore God dammit! But it's still there!

I guess I wonder if he is super happy and moved on, and I'm this pathetic mess pining for someone that obviously is super immature and selfish. Thanks for reading this and everyone on here that is so supportive and understanding.

You are only 2 months into recovery.

ANY contact = reset of your healing time. So do yourself a favor, don't do it again.

The best thing you can do is move on yourself. Get on some dating apps and start messaging and meeting men. Your ex sounds like a jerk and now he's someone else's headache. Stay no contact because talking to him is not worth your time energy or emotions. Try not to get caught up in "the devil you know" and start meeting new guys you can start fresh with.

I am sorry about this, Shannon. It is hard to understand how someone can just walk away. Unfortunately, they do. And they leave behind wreckage and carnage in their wake. What you need to do is to find another perception and view to this.

You are wondering if it is you? What did you do? I submit to you that is a bunch of garbage. From what you have written, you are a supportive girlfriend and did much for this guy.

The way you should be looking at this is the following: he is broken, he couldn't handle it when the chips were down, he chose to go off with another woman. Honestly, you dodged a bulllet here.

It may be tough with a house. But, flip this script. Make it about you. It is your house. It is your life. There is something and someone better out there for you. Dwelling and moping and living in purgatory doesn't get you anywhere but crazy! Don't do crazy exgirlfriend! Keep your dignity and self respect and exit with grace.

It is what you don't want to do that is hard. The step you aren't ready for. Let go. It is a gradual thing. It happens slowly, not overnight. But, it will happen. At 9 months, I can tell you it does. Do I still miss her? Yes. Do I still love and care about her? Sure. But, it doesn't change the fact she couldn't deal. She left when she couldn't handle it. It is the same with your's. Find your own closure. Focus on you and how to move forward. Change your perception. Confront your fear. Defeat it!

Yes, Moving.

" Dwelling and moping and living in purgatory doesn't get you anywhere but crazy! Don't do crazy exgirlfriend. Keep your dignity and self respect and exit with grace.

"

"if she wasn't in the picture I would have though about us more clearly and wanted to work on communication" or "I really regret not trying to fix things".

So basically, if you were the only option he would have put more effort in...

"I really regret not trying to fix things"

Irrelevant without objective proof through action...

He screwed over my parents and hurt me so badly...

Wait... It's not really his fault who he screwed over... I mean, yes, it's sh*tty to back out of a deal when others are involved... But seriously, if this involved real commitment or financial issues, there should have been a legal aspect involved to protect each party.

It sounds like he could still fix things WITHOUT getting back together with you. By which I mean reimbursing your parents and recovering the investments made for most parties...

Otherwise you basically got scammed, which is extremely important... But perhaps a lesson learned, if nothing else.

He cheated on you, he is a cheater - what do you want him back for? So that you can get cheated on again? Come on....you can do so much better and deserve better. Have some self respect and forget he exists. He was never worth you and not worth a single thought or tear you've ever shed for him. He is complete garbage. Please don't fool yourself on putting it on the other girl - your ex actively sought out someone else and meant to do it. If there is anything that you should be feeling, it's immense relief that this sleaze bag is out of your life, that you didn't marry him or have a family with him because.....wow.....you dodged a major bullet....

Btw, cheaters cheat just because. You can be the best, most amazing woman in the world and if you are shacked up with a cheater, you will be cheated on. It's not about you, it's all about them and their ego.

And I know there are great men out there...but ! Why do I want him back so badly god dammit!!

Because you're at war with yourself for failing to see him as the person you thought you knew. Easier said than done, but in time you're likely to see this in an entirely different light.

Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself the time to heal. Take care, and you'll still land on your feet eventually.

I know this is ridiculous but just need to vent instead of doing something stupid. I don't know why but the last two days I have had the overwhelming urge to break no contact and have a nice conversation. I guess my birthday this week is making me think about where I was at last year with him and it is crazy how much has changed. I am constantly reminded lately of his friendship and am bombarded by memories. I don't know how to stop these thoughts. It is taking all my will power not to contact him and ask him if he misses me or what we had,....and I know he has moved on with this girl, and for all I know they could be extremely happy, but I would like to not care or know that he thinks about me at all. I wonder if its hard for him to resist the urge or if he has totally removed any emotion towards me....or even If the guilt of what he did keeps him from reaching out, in his case, its better for him to ignore me because then its just a reminder of how much he hurt me and my family...better to avoid then take ownership.

I guess I am just look for inspiration to not break no contact and keep me motivated. I guess if he really wanted to reach out he would have...

It's fine to ponder, even ruminate for a bit, eventually it gives us the 20/20 hindsight aspect. However backsliding is self-defeating and provides more confusion, not more clarity.

I wonder if its hard for him to resist the urge or if he has totally removed any emotion towards me.