What do I do?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 yrs and have 4 kids all together. I have dealt with so much from him from cheating and lying but I stayed because I really love him and we have kids. This year, I have been a stay at home mom since having our 2nd child. The 2 youngest are home with me and the 2 oldest go to school. I deal with the kids 24/7, dropping and picking them up from school, Dr appointments, school meetings, my appointments, and I go to school at night. Lately I've been having health issues but I still push through. My bf is the one that works and takes care of the bills. I cook, clean, I tend to my bf (back rubs, feet rubs, warm baths). People think that being a stay at home mom is not a job. My bf, can work from home most of the time, but he's always on the go. He always make plans for the family for the weekend but changes his mind about it and don't let me know. He always try to go hang with his friends before coming home and when he gets home, the kids are about to go to bed so there's nothing for him to do. He lies and says he taking out the trash one time and wind up coming home almost 2 am, he left the house around 4 pm. Then while he's gone he gets a text from the friend he's with stating he's getting it in and if he gets down to go behind the house or to the very back where no one would mess with him. I confronted him about that and he claims he don't know what his friend is talking about. I constantly get the run around. He tells me what he wants me to know. He knows my mind is bad on some days so I feel when he tells me things and I talk to him about it, he changes his story and tells me I don't listen to him. My mind is not that bad. Recently we have been talking about getting married but I don't know. I feel that getting married is a chance to start a fresh start. I don't want to marry him and argue and fuss about the same things and feel the way I do now! I need some advice on what I should do next. Should I leave or should we get counseling and keep it moving. I feel like a broken record because I complain about the same things over and over but nothing changes! Thank you for your time!

Getting married would change nothing.

Try counseling.

First off, don't marry him. Marrying him thinking it would give you a fresh start is a bad idea.

Counseling maybe but it sounds as if he does all these things because it works well for him.

It allows him freedom and unaccountability and when you get too close to the truth of the matter he suggests you have hearing problems or some sort of defitionancy that causes you to doubt yourself and back down.

It works for him and reinforces the pattern

You may try couples counseling if you think this relationship is worth saving. Counseling doesn't necessarily change a selfserving personality type though.

In addition to couples therapy some individual therapy would help you sort this and help you get your personal strength back.

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Hi there

Sorry for your situation. It sounds like you already know, u just need us to say it so I'm going to tell u....

1. Marriage is not a fresh start. It's a commitment to what you are already sharing. Nothing will change it will only get worse because u will have a much harder time leaving.

2. People tell their partners "it's all in their head" all the time to confuse the person. He knows you want to believe him. If he can make you doubt yourself, then he can continue being a jerk.

3. What he is doing is not fair to you. You can do better. And by that I mean.... Even if you were a single parent for a while, it would be better. You are already doing all the work for the house, the kids, etc. but alone you could heal and feel good about yourself.

So many people are afraid to be alone. Being alone is not that bad. At least alone a person has hope/opportunity that something will change. stuck with a jerk is not living. I would work to save ones or find someone you can stay with to leave. Children are not a reason to stay in my non-parent opinion. Kids learn what they live. Two miserable parents together is not better than two separate but happy parents.

Hope this helps. I feel for you. I do. It's lonely to be with someone that for all intents and purposes isn't there.

Why do you need a paper stating you're financially bound to each other and made a commitment...you already have FOUR kids. Maybe a counselor or therapist can help the two of you...this isn't something that an online forum can really help you solve.

Google "gas lighting" this is what he is doing to you. He's very abusive. You deserve better.

Thank you. I do go to therapy now. I just want to see if the relationship is worth saving so if I do call it quits, there is no going back or thinking I made a mistake!

First off, don't marry him. Marrying him thinking it would give you a fresh start is a bad idea.

Counseling maybe but it sounds as if he does all these things because it works well for him.

It allows him freedom and unaccountability and when you get too close to the truth of the matter he suggests you have hearing problems or some sort of defitionancy that causes you to doubt yourself and back down.

It works for him and reinforces the pattern

 

You may try couples counseling if you think this relationship is worth saving. Counseling doesn't necessarily change a selfserving personality type though.

In addition to couples therapy some individual therapy would help you sort this and help you get your personal strength back.

 

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Thank you. I do go to therapy now. I just want to see if the relationship is worth saving so if I do call it quits, there is no going back or thinking I made a mistake!

Thank you. I do go to therapy now. I just want to see if the relationship is worth saving so if I do call it quits, there is no going back or thinking I made a mistake!

That's a valid reason. Have you asked him to go?

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Hi there

Sorry for your situation. It sounds like you already know, u just need us to say it so I'm going to tell u....

 

1. Marriage is not a fresh start. It's a commitment to what you are already sharing. Nothing will change it will only get worse because u will have a much harder time leaving.

 

2. People tell their partners "it's all in their head" all the time to confuse the person. He knows you want to believe him. If he can make you doubt yourself, then he can continue being a jerk.

 

3. What he is doing is not fair to you. You can do better. And by that I mean.... Even if you were a single parent for a while, it would be better. You are already doing all the work for the house, the kids, etc. but alone you could heal and feel good about yourself.

 

So many people are afraid to be alone. Being alone is not that bad. At least alone a person has hope/opportunity that something will change. stuck with a jerk is not living. I would work to save ones or find someone you can stay with to leave. Children are not a reason to stay in my non-parent opinion. Kids learn what they live. Two miserable parents together is not better than two separate but happy parents.

 

Hope this helps. I feel for you. I do. It's lonely to be with someone that for all intents and purposes isn't there.

Thank you so much, and your right. He tells me all the time that he is happy, that I am the one always mad at him. He claims he don't have a problem with me but when come at him about something he did, then it's a full on attack. With I do this and I do that. I ask him how all of a sudden you have a problem when I confront you about yourself but earlier you was happy and didn't have a problem!

That's a valid reason. Have you asked him to go?

 

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Yes. He said he'll do whatever it takes but I feel that if i'm telling him how bad I hurt and he doesn't change, nothing will change him!

Then bring him to a therapy session or ask your therapist for a couples counselor.

Basically you have two choices.

Continue doing what your doing now. Or fight for change. Dealing with things head on and flushing out the problems is a very brave thing to do.

It either saves the relationship or shows you the way out.

I wish you well.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Basically you have two choices.

Continue doing what your doing now. Or fight for change. Dealing with things head on and flushing out the problems is a very brave thing to do.

It either saves the relationship or shows you the way out.

I wish you well.

 

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Thank you! I want to fight for change but it has to take him to want to change and after 4 years, I don't know what will motivate him to do so.

He said he'll do whatever it takes

 

Thank you! I want to fight for change but it has to take him to want to change and after 4 years, I don't know what will motivate him to do so.

Tell him it takes going to counseling.