Help! Boyfriend withdrew all affection overnight :(

Not really sure what to do here ....

We started off as a long distance relationship (about a 4 hour drive in between) and that continued for 13 months until I made the move to his hometown. He's always been affectionate and it's one of the things I love about him! Always complimenting, kissing, holding hands and cuddling - but we had a major argument a week ago where he brought up that I don't give him space. Next day I apologized to him for being an idiot (the argument was completely unreasonable on my part and I have no issues admitting I'm wrong when I am), but since then all affection has gone out the window. I have to beg him for a kiss or hug, and any time I try to be intimate he's too tired or not really into it.

I've asked if there is anything wrong, or if for any reason he's not interested in me anymore (basically the whole tell me now instead of being like this for any longer if he wanted to go seperate ways), but he tells me he's not meaning to be this way and that this is not the case. He also blames not being himself over the stomach flu, but I've experienced him being sick before and this never happened!

I'm trying not to be paranoid here but lately he's been a lot chummier with his ex and that's a red flag to me (they have a small child together and we're always civil but not buddy buddy). She's never met me but apparently was over at our place last week while I was at work (the daughter just randomly told me this yesterday afternoon that mommy visited when I was gone), so I'm starting to worry a little more than normal.

Also, the texts are almost nonexistent - which is not s big issue in my mind, but the tone of them has completely changed too.

We went out to dart league last week and he seemed his normal self again - an arm around me here and there and smiling and laughing with our friends but the next day just went back to being all distant and not noticing I even existed.

Any advice on how to react or NOT overreact or if anyone has experienced the same thing please help!!! I'm trying to give him whatever space he needs - I don't see him all day and three nights a week as it is, but I'm looking for work at the moment and can't really flee our place every night in order to do this. I'd go hang out with friends but haven't really met any yet since I've been here.

HELP!

Stop walking on eggshells and try to make up. Give him an olive branch. Dinner, music, massage, and hot sex might do the trick

You are smothering him. Did you move in together?

Yes we did ... And I was wondering about that - im not intentionally doing it but with nothing but part time work and nobody to hang with yet over here I'm not sure how I give him more space?? And if I figure out how, is he always going to be this cold anyway?? So confused

And to the post above that, trust me, I've given him a dozen back massages in the last week and tried with the sex but he doesn't seem interested

It wasn't a good suggestion...if you are smothering him, then giving massages and wanting sex is MORE smothering.

You need to develop a social circle pronto. Go to the library. Join a club or two...stop being in the apartment every minute he is there. Honestly, it was way too early to move in. Move to his area and get your own place...after you had a job.

He told you you weren't giving him enough space after you raised the issue? - then that's not the reason. That's just a way to blame you for the problem.

If he didn't speak to you before pulling away his affection, then he's the one with a problem.

I think your boyfriend has got one foot out the door. Either that or, now that he's convinced you to move to his hometown, the honeymoon period is over. Plus for some people with short attention spans, goal achieved = bored.

I think you need to prepare for the end and stop relying on him. He said give him space, you need to make him a low priority and establishing your independence (and figuring out what you're going to do if you break-up) the highest priority.

Did he convince you to move to his hometown...or was it your idea?

Since you now live together, he may feel it's not relevant to text all the time as he may feel like he's around you more so he won't need to? As far as the relationship and sex heading downhill after moving in together things definitely get more comfortable and you let your guard down when you are living together.Try talking to him in and see if you can compromise

Talk to him. If you cant communicate this early in the realtionhsip, then it's , er, doomed.

It was actually my idea to move instead of have him move - mainly because of the shared custody of his son .... We had talked about moving in since January and finally did it in July. I would have rather waited until I actually had employment first but the opportunity to sell my place came up and I jumped at it then since I was in a hard to sell area (place was on the market since the winter).

In the meantime I joined one of the gyms today - figure that'll get me out of the house enough

That should help a bit to get out of the house more. Maybe you can find a second part time job, so it'll both reduce the free time on your hands & also increase the income.

How long have you been dating?

It kinda seems like you are more into him than vice versa. You moving up and nagging (sorry) for more affection.

It does sound like you are smothering him. Honestly, I wouldn't have moved in. You went from 0 to 360 with that in that you were long distance and had plenty of space. I would at least be looking at other accommodations.

We were dating for 13 months before moving in and talked about it long before it happened. And yes I admit the last week I've been nagging (no sorries) for affection but only because in the last four months it was freely given and just randomly stopped

Because for the last 4 months, it was when you saw each other (long distance).

I think you should be looking for your own place if you want this relationship to normalize. It doesn't matter how much it was talked about, moving from long distance to move in within 13 months is a recipe for disaster. As you have seen.

Yes we did ... And I was wondering about that - im not intentionally doing it but with nothing but part time work and nobody to hang with yet over here I'm not sure how I give him more space?? And if I figure out how, is he always going to be this cold anyway?? So confused

And to the post above that, trust me, I've given him a dozen back massages in the last week and tried with the sex but he doesn't seem interested

Join Meet ups. Do volunteering. You need to make yourself less dependent on him. You should have interests outside of him.

Because for the last 4 months, it was when you saw each other (long distance).

 

I think you should be looking for your own place if you want this relationship to normalize. It doesn't matter how much it was talked about, moving from long distance to move in within 13 months is a recipe for disaster. As you have seen.

Agreed

When will people realize that virtual/online communication does NOT = in person time/companionship.

OP has 0 experience with this person and hardly even knows him. And now they find out the hard way. They both get to find out the reality and it's not so pretty. Quite opposite of the fantasy they build in their heads over time with online communication.

Both of you set yourself up for complete failure. Sorry

You've got the wrong idea ... There's no "virtual/online" communication here. We met through the same sport ten years ago and have been friends ever since - even before dating we would end up spending time together with friends at competitions. This isn't a silly online relationship or anything like that - just decided to date last year and it went well. So to say I hardly know him couldn't be further from the truth

Knowing someone from hanging out on a sports team...to dating long distance is a far cry from living together.