There has got to be more to life....

Hi , just putting this out there. I'd be interested to hear whether anyone has ever felt like me or can offer any sort of opinion or advice.

I am married with two young kids and in my late 30s. Our relationship has been breaking down for a few years. Quite frankly most of the time I can't stand my wife and I think the feeling is mutual. We just tolerate and cooperate with each other for the sake of our kids, I dearly love them and would never do anything to hurt them. I can't stand most of my wifes family either and just dread seeing them or talking to them, the are just different people to me, mostly different values and different aspirations. She just tolerates my family under sufferance also. The relationship did have some problems from the start but looking back I sometimes kick myself for not leaving earlier when a few cracks started to appear. Now I am in way too deep.

There was some energy and spark at the start of the relationship but its mostly gone now, as is my energy and spark. Most of the time we are happy not to talk to each other. I feel our deep seated differences have come to the surface. There doesn't seem to be much of a connection anymore, and I hate to say it my attraction is waning. I spend a lot of time wishing I could have done things differently, chosen a different partner or gone a different path. I feel somewhat alienated from those who I used to be friends as my wife resents me spending time with them.

I feel that life has become bland and stale, I am just going through the motions everyday. Most of the time I am battling with long hours and a high pressure job. I work in a highly technical job in a large business which is predominately filled with strong egotistic personalities which run over me all the time. I am more of a quiet shyish kind of person. My previous energy, drive and passion has disappeared. I worry I am going to end of a bitter lonely old man, full of regret and a story of wasted talent. I feel the best years of my life may have now passed me by, i put on a brave face as from the outside I might seem as someone who has got it together and achieved a lot.

I miss the days of being younger, going out drinking and partying without a care in the world and trying my luck with the girls. Sometimes I don't think I have fully got this out of my system. These days if I go out with the boys (which is very rare), I sometimes end up totally trashed drunk to suppress my feelings, end up saying and doing things I regret and feeling hungover and depressed the next day or for days. I admit to some social anxiety to which I have used alcohol to overcome, but heck I have had some of the best nights of my life on the town with mates.

All of this has caused me to have couple of breakdown episodes recently, resulting in some periods off work. My confidence has plummeted to an all time low. I don't know where to turn anymore. I am not sure if i am depressed, bipolar, sufferring from anxiety issues, having a midlife crisis or all of the above ! Would love to hear some comments and genuine help, thanks.

See a psychiatrist or counsellor to find out if you have a treatable mental illness which is causing you to be so negative about life. Good things need love not criticism to thrive. If you focus on the bad then bad will consume you more. Look at good then bad fades away then life work and your wife will become more beautiful again. Get some help champ

Learning to love what you got takes practice. If you practice enough, your wife will most likely respond.

I miss the days of being younger, going out drinking and partying without a care in the world and trying my luck with the girls. Sometimes I don't think I have fully got this out of my system. These days if I go out with the boys (which is very rare), I sometimes end up totally trashed drunk to suppress my feelings, end up saying and doing things I regret and feeling hungover and depressed the next day or for days. I admit to some social anxiety to which I have used alcohol to overcome, but heck I have had some of the best nights of my life on the town with mates.

My vote goes for midlife crisis, combined with boredom with routine. The paragraph I quoted is the most concerning to me, because you also seem to have a case of GIGS. Well, take a look around this forum, especially the "Dating" part. See how much "fun" dating is these days and how much people (men of all ages as well) enjoy it (not!). Things are not the way you used to know them, I can promise you that. Yes, back in the day it all used to be fun, now...not so much. Just read around and you'll see. So be careful what you wish for!

Plus, you are much, much too old for a life of partying, getting drunk and picking up women. Sure, most of us would love to be young again, but it ain't happening...And there are plenty of younger people who all they have is a life of partying, but they wish they had what you have - something stable, a family, kids, etc. I can assure you, life on the other side of the fence is not as great as you imagine, the grass is not greener at all.

Life does become routine with any partner, crazy sex and butterflies just don't last , that's the nature of things. Eventually, the passion gets replaced by comfort, routine, and yes, sometimes boredom. You will never find a perfect partner, who will keep you entertained and on your toes with excitement every day of the year, for the rest of your life. Sooner or later, you will get to the same point you are now, with any partner. The trick is to make it work with the person you're with, to fight routine and not become complacent. If you keep telling yourself you can't stand your wife and you'd much rather chase bimbos in bars, then of course you won't be able to focus enough on resurrecting your relationship. You got to accept that part of your life is gone, you are no longer young and carefree, and you have to make the best of what you have - because you have a life lots of single people wish they did.

Those mates of yours that you go get drunk with don't seem like the best crowd to hang with, and it is sad to hear you say those nights are the best you've had. That kind of life is bottom of the barrel, and the "high" you get from it is so transient, and so shallow, you have no idea. Maybe you should stay away from those friends who have nothing better to do than go out and party, and use that time to have a date night with your wife?

As for the job...it's up to you to change it, if you're unhappy with it. Or, to assert yourself in your field, and not let others run all over you. Try putting your efforts into gaining more skills in your field and/or looking for a better job, instead of wishing you could be free chasing skirts. It's in your hands to make a significant change in your life, and work with what you have. Maybe speaking with a specialist won't hurt, so you can figure out if there are any underlying psychological issues you're dealing with as well.

Talk to your wife, open up to her, take her out for a nice dinner, try romancing her again... shake things up... make routine interesting...and things will change for the better. But they won't unless you put in a genuine effort, and stop wishing you were back in the dating pool, because - trust me - you really, really don't.

I am not going to advice you to romance your wife. I do not think it is possible. Your only card is to focus on yourself. Why your gloom resulted in few days not working? Do you have alcohol problem? If yes, then focus on it. It might have a huge influence on your life perception.

It is rarely a wife who makes life unbearable. It is our routine choices. Your routine choices are not what you like. You think it is your wife issue. I am not saying that you have a happy marriage. No, you do not. But there are so many marriages with no romance.... but people are okay. Because they do what they want to do. Routinely. They pursue hobbies, they develop interests (not romantic) and for the most part it is enough.

My vote is depression. See a doctor. Don't do something you can't undo, yet.

Greta96 said what I was going to say. I think you are living in the past and you need to get yourself sorted out so you are living in the present, looking forward to the future.

I am married with two young kids and in my late 30s. Our relationship has been breaking down for a few years. Quite frankly most of the time I can't stand my wife and I think the feeling is mutual. We just tolerate and cooperate with each other for the sake of our kids, I dearly love them and would never do anything to hurt them.

You do realize that staying in the unhealthy relationship IS hurting them right? They are learning from you and your wife "what relationship should be". That's right, what you have today = normal relationship to them.

They will apply this to THEIR life in the future.

You never EVER stay "because of kids". As long as you 2 remain part of their life, they will be just fine. But staying in unhealthy relationship FOR them is doing more harm than good.

You are teaching them with action....and what you are teaching them is not healthy and WILL hurt them in time.

I can't stand most of my wifes family either and just dread seeing them or talking to them, the are just different people to me, mostly different values and different aspirations. She just tolerates my family under sufferance also. The relationship did have some problems from the start but looking back I sometimes kick myself for not leaving earlier when a few cracks started to appear. Now I am in way too deep.

I'm pretty sure most people are not fans of their inlaws.....

There was some energy and spark at the start of the relationship but its mostly gone now, as is my energy and spark. Most of the time we are happy not to talk to each other. I feel our deep seated differences have come to the surface. There doesn't seem to be much of a connection anymore, and I hate to say it my attraction is waning. I spend a lot of time wishing I could have done things differently, chosen a different partner or gone a different path. I feel somewhat alienated from those who I used to be friends as my wife resents me spending time with them.

 

I feel that life has become bland and stale, I am just going through the motions everyday. Most of the time I am battling with long hours and a high pressure job. I work in a highly technical job in a large business which is predominately filled with strong egotistic personalities which run over me all the time. I am more of a quiet shyish kind of person. My previous energy, drive and passion has disappeared. I worry I am going to end of a bitter lonely old man, full of regret and a story of wasted talent. I feel the best years of my life may have now passed me by, i put on a brave face as from the outside I might seem as someone who has got it together and achieved a lot.

Sounds like you allowed your job to control your life and effect it as well.

If you work more than 8 hours, you are doing it wrong. Sorry.

Make your LIFE a priority, not your JOB. This is on YOU.

As for the rest (outside of work) what hobbies do you have? What have you done to make your life better?

It's not just going to happen you know....

I miss the days of being younger, going out drinking and partying without a care in the world and trying my luck with the girls. Sometimes I don't think I have fully got this out of my system. These days if I go out with the boys (which is very rare), I sometimes end up totally trashed drunk to suppress my feelings, end up saying and doing things I regret and feeling hungover and depressed the next day or for days. I admit to some social anxiety to which I have used alcohol to overcome, but heck I have had some of the best nights of my life on the town with mates.

 

All of this has caused me to have couple of breakdown episodes recently, resulting in some periods off work. My confidence has plummeted to an all time low. I don't know where to turn anymore. I am not sure if i am depressed, bipolar, sufferring from anxiety issues, having a midlife crisis or all of the above ! Would love to hear some comments and genuine help, thanks.

First think I would advice is that you and your wife go into marriage counseling right away! You are both neglecting each other.

2nd, make sure you eat healthy and include DAILY physical activity. At least 1-2 hours PER DAY of physical activity. Invest time into your body. These 2 alone will probably fix 90% of your issues.

3rd, focus on your marriage and FIX it. it's hard work and requires lot of time and commitment. You have been slacking and this is you priority in life.....so make it one. Take your wife out on a date. Do something different cause CLEARLY what you have been doing is wrong. Love is defined by action, so show your wife love WITH action.

4th, look to your childhood for happiness. What did you do as a kid? DO IT!!! Do it with YOUR kids.

And be positive/optimistic. Negative thinking will only drag you down.

Good luck

I'm just gonna put this here and let you do whatever you want with it:

I agree with those saying to see a counselor. I think that you've listed so many things in your post that it's hard to tell what the actual issue is. Is it the marriage or you? Is it chemical or psychological? You might not be able to figure that out on your own, so it would help to have someone to assist you with that.

You might want to work on yourself and your own outlook before considering ending your marriage. There are three other lives at stake. I think that if there was some spark at the beginning, as you noted, then there's always a chance for that to be rekindled.

I disagree that this is a reason for him to stay in a marriage. First of all, looking around these boards is not necessarily an accurate picture of dating as a whole; people typically are here for support, because they're struggling. Plenty of people exist that are not on these forums, and those people might actually be having positive experiences with others. Secondly, he's in his late thirties. I would hardly call that "much, much too old" to do anything, really.

Bottom line being that telling someone to stay married because some single people wish they were married seems like bad advice. That's like telling someone to stay in a lousy job because other people are unemployed. It's irrelevant.

There are about a hundred other reasons to try to save a marriage: the commitment that was made, the preservation of the family as a whole, the chance that it might work out amazingly, etc.

I said OP is way too old to live a life of partying, getting drunk and chasing women, because that lifestyle just doesn't suit anyone in their late 30's, nor is it something to aspire to - I'm sure there are more intelligent things out there for him to do. This is the only aspect I was referring to when I made the "too old" comment. Heck, he's my age, obviously I don't think he's too old in general lol.

Divorce is the toughest thing you can do to kids. I worked for a family law office and while kids of parents who disliked each other DID have problems, they were NOTHING compared to the head job done to kids of divorce. I still shudder. Work on your marriage for the sake of your children. If your spouse is abusive or abuses any substance, that's different, divorce them asap. But, if it's just that the spark is gone, don't divorce. Don't do that to young people you are supposed to love.

I only have 1 comment & it has to do with your children... no matter how you & your wife feel or don't feel about each other, how are your children? What kind of life are they living, and are THEY happy?? Many times people stay together "for the kids"... I'm not saying whether you should split up or not, just saying if the children can feel the negativity & stresses of your marriage, is that really good for them? Sometimes separating really is better if it means a healthier future for your children, verses them growing up thinking parents are SUPPOSED to be unhappy...