10 years older than my husband and feeling a bit insecure

Hi everybody,

 

Me and my husband met when he was 28 and I was 38. We dated for 3 years before we got married and now have been together for just over 5 years. Everything has worked really well between us until recently when money matters have started undermining our relationship (but that's another issue which I posted on a different forum).

Basically, after I reached 40 and especially after I gave birth to our baby 2 months ago, I have been feeling sort of emotionally insecure (and no, it's not post partum depression!). The thing is, my husband is quite an attractive guy. Of course, I do not consider myself unattractive, but perhaps less attractive and definitely OLDER. Especially when I look at our pictures together or when I sometimes see him turn his head after a younger chick or even other women looking at him. Sometimes he inadvertently makes a comment about someone (whether male or female) in their 40ies and calls them 'mature people' or 'past it' without realizing I am next to him. Sometimes I feel conscious being naked or semi naked in front of him.

Yes, he can be a bit vain and does have a Capricorn ego, but I am sure he doesn't mean to hurt me with his comments or is not cheating on me. I just can't help thinking about the fact that that's the way he really feels about 'older' people and sometimes I even go as far as thinking he might regret being with me and compare me with 'what would life be like if I had married a younger woman'.

I know, most of the insecurities stem from myself, but I have problems dealing with them and get rather depressed when thinking we might not be together when I have reached 50 or he may just decide to change me for a 'younger model' or compensate by cheating.

Is this an issue with trust? With me being too negative? Or just a fact of life I need to learn to deal with? What does the male population honestly think about this issue or women after 40??

You can only control yourself. I think you should focus on trying to be more secure in yourself and your body. You've gone through a lot of recent change, so I recommend therapy as a start.

Basically, after I reached 40 and especially after I gave birth to our baby 2 months ago, I have been feeling sort of emotionally insecure (and no, it's not post partum depression!). The thing is, my husband is quite an attractive guy.

] yes and he was that when he picked you to be his wife and the mother of his child. Nothing has changed there.

 

Of course, I do not consider myself unattractive, but perhaps less attractive and definitely OLDER.

Again, nothing has changed there either. You are older and he's still picked you to be with him.

 

I sometimes see him turn his head after a younger chick or even other women looking at him.

Trust me, they never stop doing that no matter what the age difference or the age similarity of the two people in the union. You don't look at other men, ever?

 

Sometimes he inadvertently makes a comment about someone (whether male or female) in their 40ies and calls them 'mature people'

Well, us past the voting age are "mature people" I'm not sure why that would bother you? What would you prefer he call someone in their 40's? Would "middle aged" be more appropriate and accepting for you?

 

or 'past it' without realizing I am next to him.

I don't think he was referring to their age when he comments that they are "past it" I think he means that they've hit the wall so to speak.

 

Sometimes I feel conscious being naked or semi naked in front of him.

Can you hit the gym and work on your insecurity and lack of self-esteem? Frankly, I think if you were younger then him you'd be having these same issues after the birth. The body changes (sometimes subtly, sometimes outright obviously) when we gals give birth and it's up to us to do what we have to do to keep our minds at rest about what we see in the mirror afterwards.

 

Yes, he can be a bit vain and does have a Capricorn ego, but I am sure he doesn't mean to hurt me with his comments or is not cheating on me.

No I don't think he is either and if you it bothers you that much then you should tell him so calmly and matter of factly so that he can remedy his actions that are contributing to your negative thoughts and reaction.

 

I just can't help thinking about the fact that that's the way he really feels about 'older' people and sometimes I even go as far as thinking he might regret being with me and compare me with 'what would life be like if I had married a younger woman'.

You are very insecure then. If you were going to have these thoughts then why did you carry on with such a younger man then yourself. Older women are known for their confidence, their sexiness, their ability to keep young men satisfied. Where is that diva in you? You need to get yourself out of mommy mode more often and get back your mojo. Let him know you want to continue to have date nights without the baby at least once a month as well as date nights in scheduled doing something fun together (not watching a movie or t.v.) once baby is in bed.

 

I know, most of the insecurities stem from myself, but I have problems dealing with them and get rather depressed when thinking we might not be together when I have reached 50 or he may just decide to change me for a 'younger model' or compensate by cheating.

Once again this has NOTHING to do with your age vs his age. Any of those things could happen in a relationship even if you were the same age or younger. If you work on your union to keep it fresh, are able to communicate wants and needs, are apathetic to one another's quirks etc then you should be able to last the test of time till death do you part.

 

Is this an issue with trust? With me being too negative? Or just a fact of life I need to learn to deal with? What does the male population honestly think about this issue or women after 40??

I think this has absolutely nothing to do with age but you're making it about that. Its you that needs to snap out of it and with taking care of your health, doing exercise, having date nights and most importantly talking to him and telling him exactly what you told us, he can help you with your issue by reassuring you that you're being quite silly. If you can't get past the negative dwelling then yes, therapy is a good way to get help getting past it and obsessing on much more enjoyable things.

 

Good luck.

I agree with TWT. I think you feel vunerable after giving birth. I felt similar feelings when I was pregnant in my 30's and my husband at the time was the same age. Give yourself some time to both physically and mentally recoup after givng birth.

He loves you, you really shouldn't worry. My ex was a year younger his wife is 7 years his senior. Really don't worry so much.

Have you had this conversation with him? If not, why not, and if so, how did he respond?

Have you had this conversation with him? If not, why not, and if so, how did he respond?

 

I don't think I could reveal this sort of insecurity to my husband as I think he may be rather shocked and call me silly. Then I also think, guys like him prefer strong and confident women so I would most probably go down in his estimations...