Overheard Conversation Comparing Former Lover and Myself, Advice Perspective Pl

Let me start by apologizing, this is going to be long, I have a lot on my mind and nowhere else to dump it so if you’re not up for a long read I’d move along.

First some quick background; my SO and I are in our mid-40s. Have been together 10 years and have an 8 year old daughter together. We make love 3 – 4 (I have a high sex drive) times a week, and our sex life is fulfilling, or at least I thought it was. We’re very much in love in-spite of what has recently happened. I love her as much as I ever have, just feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut though. I’m looking for some advice on how to get what I overheard out of my head and stop obsessing on it.

I call what happened the perfect storm of technology errors. My SO had called me at my office, I had her on speaker phone, we finished our conversation and I must have been preoccupied with what I was working on as when we finished our phone call and I forgot to press the button to hang-up the phone. I left my office briefly, returned to hear a voice in my office, as I got closer I could tell the voice was coming from my speaker phone, I recognized the voice as my SO and she was talking to someone. I quickly realized that my SO must have thought she had disconnected her cellular phone after our phone conversation (as I had) and we were still connected and I was listening to her side of a conversation with someone on our home phone. My first thought was to hang-up my phone, that was until I heard my name and was curious what the conversation was about so I muted my phone and sat down. Bad decision.

It wasn’t long until I realized that she was speaking to a certain female family member and the discussion seemed to be about sex (I could only hear my SO’s side of the conversation). It appeared that they were discussing this family member’s (let’s call her Jane) difficulty in letting go of a guy she’s been dating due to his sexual prowess. From what I could gather Jane was sharing intimate details of their sex life with my SO and why it was so hard to leave him. That’s when I hear my SO say something to the effect of “good lovers are hard to find, I’ve only had one in my life, XXXXXXX (not my name).” She then goes on to rant about how good this former lover was, what he would do to her, the positions he would put her in, how he was the only one who could do these things to her, how incredible the sex was and how she’s NEVER had sex like that before or after and that’s why she too had such a hard time leaving this guy when they broke-up. She then mentions my name again (let’s call me Ted), “She gets a very somber tone to her voice and says, “Ted’s alright, he thinks he’s a great lover.” That’s when I disconnect the phone; I don’t want to hear any more of this conversation.

As you can imagine I’m pacing my office going nuts, I recognize the guy’s name as a guy she dated several years prior to me (if I had to guess she’s had about 10 lovers in her lifetime, been married once) however, I don’t know the guy I may have seen a picture of him but I’m not sure. My entire life I’ve lived by the rule don’t ask about former lovers, no good can come from this and I never have, now it’s kicking my ass. What to do, what to do, I decide I’m not going to say anything, however when I get home it’s difficult to hide my anger and hurt; anger because she shared intimate details of our relationship with this person and hurt because I had to hear what this guy did to her sexually, how good he was at it and that he was the only one who “could do what he did to her” and how incredible it was and what she truly thought of me as a lover. Still I was committed not to say anything, then, it just came out, man did it come out, I confronted her about the conversation. She didn’t deny it, I quoted to her what she said, I remember it verbatim. She tried to make me feel better, telling me she didn’t mean what she said, it was just conversation, but I told her I wasn’t falling for that, why would she say it if she didn’t mean it. I asked about her comment of how I was as a lover and of course she tried to change that story also telling me I’m a great lover. To make that story short she tried talk her way out of it and tried to convince me she didn’t mean what she said.

Here’s what’s confusing to me, when we make love my SO orgasms every time; sometimes vaginally, sometimes from oral sex. We’ve never had to use lube, she’s always very wet from foreplay. I’m a very giving lover and enjoy foreplay. My former lovers have all enjoyed sex with me, in-fact if I may boast, I made a woman cum 17 times in one night between vaginal, anal, oral sex and the two finger cul-de-sac jones technique (google if you don’t know what that is), I’ve been told the later being very addictive and she couldn’t get enough of this, it got to be exhausting making this woman orgasm. I had a woman who would show-up at my hotel when she knew I was in town dressed to the nines, no panties under her mini-skirt waiting for me to come return to my hotel in the evening, surprising me in the lobby to try and seduce me (I’d told her we were done several times but somehow she’d always get me in bed every time, the sex was very good, but outside of the sex there was nothing there). She later lost her job because she flew to a city she knew I would be in to be with me and missed work. She lost her damn job to **** me. This doesn’t make any sense. I guess what I'm saying is I'm a very confident lover, no hang-ups at all and until now have never doubted myself.

I’ve been faithful to my SO the entire time we’ve been together, she’s sexy as hell, one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever been with (think a less bustier and prettier Selma Hayek), I’m so into this woman. Definitely the best lover I’ve had, maybe not the craziest or most creative but definitely the best. I feel much of comes from familiarity, she knows exactly how to touch me to drive me crazy in every way.

I’ve had opportunities to be with other women since we’ve been together, several. I’m not bad looking (have been told I look like I belong to the Baldwin Brothers Clan, Alec, Steven etc.), I have a high profile position (I’m a Sr. Executive with a large finance company), make a very good living and when traveling on business have had opportunities. Also, I’ve had women who work for my company pursue me but I’ve never strayed. However, after I heard this one of my first thoughts was to go **** one of these women just to prove to her I wasn’t how she said I was. I don’t understand.

So back to this guy. I’ve tried asking her information about this guy, why they broke-up, what the hell he did for a living (for some reason this is important to me) and she won’t say a word, I feel like she’s protecting this guy. I called her brother and he spilled the beans about the guy, turns out he’s some underachiever she dated (like several of her formers), didn’t treat her well, relationship based on lies (and evidently incredible sex), is now in his late 40’s, a handful of kids he doesn’t support and lives with his parents. I should find some satisfaction comparing our respective stations in life, but I don’t. All I can think about is how he was the “only good lover she’s ever had” and how no one else could do what he did and how incredible the sex was. I feel like he got the milk for free, all the accolades that went along with that and I bought the cow and I get trashed as a lover.

Not to get to dramatic here but I feel betrayed. I’ve taken very good care of this woman and her daughter (she has an older daughter from a previous marriage). Put a roof over her daughter’s head and never asked for a dime in terms of contribution to supporting her daughter who was not my responsibility due to the fact that her ex is a deadbeat drunk who never paid a dime of child support his daughter. I Moved them into an upscale community, into excellent schools and provided a lifestyle that in a million years she could never achieve, nor had anyone else done for her. She pays no bills, I cover everything; car, credit cards, health insurance etc. I know these are only “things” however it only adds to the betrayal I feel. I understand having a former lover that really did it for you and I can deal with that, didn't enjoy hearing the details but I get it, but why the hell drag me into it and disparage me like that, especially to someone who has no business knowing the intimate details of our relationship and is not discreet.

I’m rambling now so here’s my question. Has anyone else experienced anything like this and how did you get over it? I can’t seem to let go and it’s going to ruin what otherwise was an excellent relationship and destroy our family. She’s very sorrowful and has been trying to make it up to me. She’s attempted to seduce me several times since, I gave in once, but I found myself hearing the conversation in my head and questioning how I was making love to her. Analyzing each and every noise of pleasure she made wondering if it was a performance or not. I couldn’t continue so I stopped making love to her and took a cold shower and retired to a guest bedroom where I've been sleeping since; she continues to try and initiate sex but I've declined each time. Any suggestions, questions or recommendations would be greatly appreciated. I do not want our relationship to come to an end, however I cannot continue feeling like this.

EDIT: I'm also interested in a woman's perspective on what happened here, don't hold back as maybe a women's perspective will help me understand her comments.

I think this is a deadly blow to a marriage and the only thing I could suggest is marriage counselling to see if that could help.

If she was not satisfied she should have tactfully brought it up and encouraged you to do things that made things better for her - but I agree that telling someone else was a huge betrayal.

I hope you can get throught this but would not blame you at all if you can't.

Damn dude. I can't provide much in terms of advice, but I feel for you. I would be really hurt if I was in your position as well. Not loving, or respectful at all to have your wife tell someone those things.

It sounds like she is with you for the other things you provide in the relationship.

In the end, I think you probably need to find a partner that appreciates what you have to offer sexually- clearly they are out there.

I don't think you are ever going to get hearing that stuff out of your head and return to feeling confident with this woman in the bedroom.

It sounds like she is with you for the other things you provide in the relationship.

 

In the end, I think you probably need to find a partner that appreciates what you have to offer sexually- clearly they are out there.

 

I don't think you are ever going to get hearing that stuff out of your head and return to feeling confident with this woman in the bedroom.

The problem of course is what happens with the children.

DN, I couldn't agree with you more regarding your "not satisfied" comment. If I had these concerns early on I would not have continued the relationship and I assumed neither would she. Fortunately we are not married, however we do have a "relationship agreement" that governs dissolution of the relationship relative to child support, custody and a cash "payment" should we decide not to continue this relationship. The plan was to marry some day, just never got around to it.

Then you may want to instigate the plan if you feel this has damaged the relationship beyond repair.

As I said, sex is such an individual thing that people can be unsatisfied with someone who is experienced and has made other people happy in bed, so don't take this too personally and think you are a lousy lover.

For me the dealbreaker would be talking about it to someone else, particularly someone in the family.

I have a bit of a different take on this: while she was being indiscreet - you shouldn't have listened in on a private conversation. As you retell the story here, the conversation wasn't even about you to begin with, yet you continued to listen. That is also in my books a breach of trust on your part. So she didn't 'force you to listen' to anything.

Secondly, if you had more than one lover in your life, necessarily they will not all have equal qualities and effects on you from a physical standpoint alone. Someone could have been better technically, yet that doesn't mean that you are not enjoying your current partner more, because it's beyond the technical aspect by itself and many other factors play a role. It's the quintessential bad-boy experience as it sounds: he was no good in any other aspect than the chemistry. Many people go through that experience that the bad boy just triggers something on a primitive physical/chemical level - yet you would never want to go back to him. That is probably what she was trying to talk to the other person on the phone. That kind of chemical attraction can be powerful, yet it's not really healthy and you don't actually want that for a lasting stable loving relationship. I guess it's a bit like a drug. There is a reason why they are considered dangerous and addictive, since the high people experience is very alluring - yet no healthy person will chose them.

The conversation you overheard was not really about you, if you are a good lover or not (or if she is happy with you or not), but probably was geared to trying to help a friend break off from that chemical spell. It was not about complaining that 'you are not good enough or not doing it for her'.

It's a bit surprising to me, since you seem to be such an accomplished person in all aspects (according to your OP), that your whole world could come crushing down depending on your believing or not that you are the best technical lover ever.

If you believe you need to end this relationship, which by all accounts seems to have been a happy stable on until this point, be aware that the older you get the more unlikely it will be to find someone who has not experienced positive and made wonderful memories with someone else (even if they are not in their life anymore). Thus it's going to be a challenge to find someone for who you are the superlative in every and each aspect of life/a relationship.

First, I'm so sorry that she betrayed you this way with a family member. I can see how something like this would stay in your head, torturing you!

My thoughts when reading through your post were that your S.O. was being immature, because from my experience, women usually stop talking about their past lovers when they become committed to someone new. Has she exhibited any kind of inappropriate behaviour like this before? Also, was the person she was speaking with single? The one other person I've overhead talking like this was at a stagette for a friend and she was surrounded by single girls and male eye candy.

I’m so into this woman. Definitely the best lover I’ve had, maybe not the craziest or most creative but definitely the best. I feel much of comes from familiarity, she knows exactly how to touch me to drive me crazy in every way.

For the record, based on what you've said here, I think she enjoys sex with you. I don't think she'd be as enthusiastic if she thought you were "alright." It's likely she'd turn you down more often if she was unfulfilled.

I called her brother and he spilled the beans about the guy, turns out he’s some underachiever she dated (like several of her formers), didn’t treat her well, relationship based on lies (and evidently incredible sex), is now in his late 40’s, a handful of kids he doesn’t support and lives with his parents.

I wonder if her sexual experience wasn't enhanced because this is a "bad boy" thing. I had a friend that could only reach orgasm when she hooked up with the biggest losers around (maybe why your S.O. felt the need to protect him)

I think that in order for you to get over this, she's going to have to earn your trust again. She's going to have to be very honest about why she finds you attractive and what she's getting out of this relationship. I would bet that she's happy with you, happy with the blended family and financial security, but was in the mood to brag or complain and never thought in a million years that you would ever know.

I'm married and have been for five years, and I'm VERY happy with the chemistry that we have, and we have very fulfilling sex lives. Sometimes I miss the kind of sex I had with my late husband, but then I realize that the intensity came from a chaotic and dysfunctional lifestyle, fraught with fear and uncertainty. I much prefer this lifestyle over that one.

Ok...I've read your post and the comments and I think you need to calm down and breath.

I'm thinking how can I say this stuff to you and make you understand how it works in a woman's mind about these things... I only have your post to work with but I am sure this woman loves you and loves having sex with you. I am sure of it. How do I know? Well...best I can tell you is that as a woman I just know.

I have a lot to say here. First of all, you are more than just your penis to her. This other guy, great lover or not, was so much less. Can't you see that? You are her true love. Ten years together, a life together, a child... These are important things. You shouldn't forget this stuff. When she chose you she took the whole thing into consideration, I'm sure. You are a good man. You have integrity, you make her happy in life and in bed. You are the whole package. You are the real deal. You count. Don't you see that? I totally can see that.

This other guy was a different time in her life. He was a totally different kind of thing. He wasn't a long term contender. He was good sex, yes but that's all. I know you are hurt. Who wouldn't be hurt to hear this unfiltered revelation? But it is just a memory of an old lover who doesn't matter in her real life. You matter. She knows this and that is why she stays with you and has sex with you and has built a life with YOU.

You are hurt and acting like she said your sex life was terrible. That's not what she said. I am sure you please her very much in bed. If you didn't, I think she would leave or not be available to you or be dry (to be blunt). Let's look at it this way though. Let's be honest. Nobody tells their current lover that they had lovers who were better. Every woman tells their current lover that he is the best and every man tells their current woman that she is the best. We can't all be the best lover, can we? You even said you have had other free-er crazier women in bed than your current woman, but I'm sure if you could trade her in for one of these other women, you would never do it. Same goes for her.

In a perfect world, we would all know exactly what to do and say to our lover/SO, but we're not perfect and we say and do things that hurt the each other without any malice. We are just flawed and your SO is flawed and you are flawed and that's ok. She didn't want to say anything to you about your sexlife because she is satisfied and she wouldn't want to hurt you. But did you see the first part about her being satisifed?

Please don't jeopardize your relationship by sleeping with someone else to get back at your SO. She sounds like a good woman who admitted something in confidence to her woman friend (we ALL do this - if you guys knew how much we confide in our friends, you would all be shocked) and that it doesn't mean all that much. I know your ego is hurting but if you can at all look past this, I urge you to try. You have a GOOD relationship that has lasted for a long time and you love each other. This is what matters. I am sure she knows and appreciates all that you do for her and she would never intentionally hurt you. Especially in this area where all men are so sensitive. As a woman, I can tell you that what she said doesn't mean to her what it means to you. It's just woman stuff. I'm not making excuses but I know women and she sounds like a good woman who said something without thinking. I hope you can forgive her. I hope you can get through this. I wish you peace.

Stop being paranoid and amp things up in the bedroom. Try something really different and exciting. Don't talk to relatives about it behind her back like you are.

Also, their relationship could have ONLY been about sex. Remember that. And she could have been a lot younger and took risks like doing it in a car, or doing it where parents might almost walk in.

I have a lot to say here. First of all, you are more than just your penis to her. This other guy, great lover or not, was so much less. Can't you see that? You are her true love. Ten years together, a life together, a child... These are important things. You shouldn't forget this stuff. When she chose you she took the whole thing into consideration, I'm sure. You are a good man. You have integrity, you make her happy in life and in bed. You are the whole package. You are the real deal. You count. Don't you see that? I totally can see that.

I totally agree with what LillyLooWho has said here. Well said.

Stop being paranoid and amp things up in the bedroom. Try something really different and exciting. Don't talk to relatives about it behind her back like you are.

 

Also, their relationship could have ONLY been about sex. Remember that. And she could have been a lot younger and took risks like doing it in a car, or doing it where parents might almost walk in.

^^^this. The bottom line is that she is with you now. You have a family and it doesn't sound like she is going anywhere. I know this is a blow to your ego but take all that she said with a grain of salt. She was viewing the past through rose colored glasses, focusing on just the sexual side of things. It could be a lot of what she said was just "girl chat" and not a true indication of how content she is with you.

If you want to roll the dice, you can confront her on this and clear the air. It could work to make you two closer or she could deny it all and retreat from you. You list your looks, job, status and other things as if it should automatically qualify you to be awesome in bed. Just based on the law of averages, there are a LOT of lovers who are just "okay". Don't torture yourself over this. Embrace the quality relationship that you have. The other great lover is gone. She is in your bed every night now. Calm your mind.

If I heard my partner say this about me It'd be over. Simple as. Because I'd never be able to relax sexually again. Also knowing it was said to a 'friend' of his, and knowing he'd quite happily discuss our private sex life and say things like that...I wouldnt trust him.

I've spoken to people previously about my sex life, now I'm more grown up and in a sensible, grown up relationship the only person I wish to discuss my sex life with is my partner. He is my best, and he is good in bed because I love him and because he is.

All, I greatly appreciate all the feedback, advice and critique. This is exactly what I was looking for and cannot tell you how much I appreciate it. Often time’s electronic communication is difficult, especially when you vomit the amount of information that I did in my original post, so I wanted to clarify and explain a couple of things in brief format. Mostly in response/clarification to the excellent feedback provided so far.

1) Reaching out to the brother was due to the fact that our relationship agreement has an infidelity clause. I hate to break it down to a legal contract, however I do have exposure should the relationship go south (not the child support aspect) and felt I needed to confirm this guy is totally out of the picture. I only asked for his last name, didn't say a thing about why or provide any other details. He was the one who offered the additional information and I simply listened. Her brother and I have a very good and trusting relationship, I have done MANY "favors" for him both financially and emotionally that I have kept in confidence. He will do the same. Again, all I asked was for a last name, someone who my attorney works with would have handled the research discreetly. That said, I'm confident based on the information provided there is no infidelity in play here.

2) I do not dispute that I shouldn't have listened. I could make an excuse here about how many after hearing their mane would have hung-up the phone but I won't, I own this.

3) Never did I think I was the "best" lover she ever had, nor have I ever had a hang-up about the best lover. As I stated, in all my relationships I've had the sensibility to not delve into past relationships. What's the saying, don't ask a question you're not prepared to deal the answer to, or something along those lines. What I'm struggling with is a) what I heard about what he did to her and how it made her feel and b) the comment that sex with me is “alright” I mean come on, I’ve already written about our sex life above, orgasms etc. so no need to go further. She said I think I’m a good lover, how about saying, “you could do this differently, or I like it this way? c) The fact that she would compare me to this guy to someone who has no business knowing what goes on behind our bedroom door. Especially since this person is not discreet and has a history of sharing information she's been given in confidence. This person has proven this time and time again. Honestly, I think I could have dealt with just hearing that this guy was incredible and probably the **** he did to her but why include me in the conversation?

4) The person who made the comment that maybe she was sharing to help this person break this off. After reading this a couple of times I get it. Do I believe it, not sure but it’s a valid point and a good observation. However, let’s say this is true, why the hell drag me into it? Why not say, I had this incredible lover that I had a hard time breaking up with and then trash the boyfriend who came after this guy? Why me, the person who she’s been with for 10 years, the father of her child, the person who we’ve shared so many great years together who has been so supportive of her and not just financially, the person who this family member sees on a regular basis?

So I said this would be brief and clearly it wasn’t. Last thing I wanted to add is I’m not perfect, I have my flaws just as everyone does, flaws as a man, flaws as partner, flaws as a father etc. So I hope I am not coming off as an arrogant bastard who thinks I’m perfect as I’m far from it.

Thanks for listening everyone and please keep the feedback positive and negative coming as this is bringing different perspectives that I had not considered to light.

Oh I meant to address the "amp" up things in the bedroom comment; we have toys that we incorporate into our time together and I've presented "let's try this" or "what do you think of this" or just tried something different to spice things up so our love making doesn't become stale. What I find interesting now that I write this, she's not once said, "how about we try this, or do this etc." Regarding the toys, I've initiated the purchase of all of them. Some she likes, one we use on a regular basis, others that she didn't like and we only used long enough to determine it wasn't for her.

Wow, I feel like this is a huuuge over-reaction. Sex is just sex, so you're not as good at sex than some guy, so what??? Don't call it a "lover", because that's a misnomer. Sex is just sex.

Girls talk about everything, generally. We share details sometimes to console each other about things going on in our respective relationships, I personally don't see it as a betrayal - unless you had a deal about it. Obviously, there's a line somewhere and that is/should be determined by the couple. If you haven't had the conversation, it's hard to say that she betrayed you.

Now, back to the sex, I think this is your ego talking. So what if you're not the best she's ever had? Why do guys get soooo hung up on that? What about other qualities that make you a good husband, the one she wants to be married to? I just don't understand where this whole over-reaction is coming from. Personally, for me, my first bf was the best sex I've had but he was the worst bf. My current, not bad in bed, pretty good but best boyfriend I've ever had. That's what truly matters to me. If my bf read this and gets upset, I think it would take a whole lot of will power for me not to roll my eyes and say grow up.

But she wasn't talking TO you. You weren't her audience, so her tone wasn't sensitive to YOU. It was geared to the person whom she was speaking to! You eavesdrop and say that she should've phrased it differently...? Dude.

And the inclusion of you, it's probably the other person asking, like oh hey is your husband good? Then she's like well no, but obviously, it's not the point because you're still her husband - not the other guy.

& Orgasms don't equate to great sex, if it's lacking and you want to improve, just talk to her about it and try different things....

I cannot believe that people are excusing her behaviour and somehow blaming you for it. Very, very strange. I cannot fathom the reason why anyone would do that.

Jeez - talk about blaming the victim.

Some things in a marriage or relationship should remain totally private. That someone wouldn't understand that is so foreign to me.

Additionally - the fact that some women do talk about intimate details of their partner with their friends is why many men will not open up to them. You can't stop a woman betraying you about private sexual matters, but if you don't tell her your secrets, your private thoughts, or your emotions, then she can't share them around for the entertainment of her friends.

I wonder what else your wife has told people about you that should have been kept private.

Girls talk about everything, generally. We share details sometimes to console each other about things going on in our respective relationships, I personally don't see it as a betrayal - unless you had a deal about it. Obviously, there's a line somewhere and that is/should be determined by the couple. If you haven't had the conversation, it's hard to say that she betrayed you.

Although I initially viewed the conversation as a betrayal, I'm starting to see it from these other viewpoints. And when I think of my own relationship, I can tell you that my husband and I have had the conversation.

Has there been any other issues that have come up in the last year? What about work, have you had lots of overtime lately? The strain on people in your business seems to be getting worse every year, and that has to affect family and personal life.

Although I initially viewed the conversation as a betrayal, I'm starting to see it from these other viewpoints. And when I think of my own relationship, I can tell you that my husband and I have had the conversation.

 

Has there been any other issues that have come up in the last year? What about work, have you had lots of overtime lately? The strain on people in your business seems to be getting worse every year, and that has to affect family and personal life.

Don't expect men to share secrets and private matters if you blab them to your friends.

I cannot believe that people are excusing her behaviour and somehow blaming you for it. Very, very strange. I cannot fathom the reason why anyone would do that.

 

Jeez - talk about blaming the victim.

 

Some things in a marriage or relationship should remain totally private. That someone wouldn't understand that is so foreign to me.

I don't want to come accross as blaming anyone, but since this is a family, with children who would surely be devastated with a split - I just want the OP to find some kind of peace with it so he can get on with healing his relationship.

I can't see any good coming out of a break up.

I don't want to come accross as blaming anyone, but since this is a family, with children who would surely be devastated with a split - I just want the OP to find some kind of peace with it so he can get on with healing his relationship.

 

I can't see any good coming out of a break up.

Don't expect men to share secrets and private matters if you blab them to your friends.

I don't blab to my friends, and can only try to guess why the OP's spouse did. I only have his perspective so far...

I don't blab to my friends, and can only try to guess why the OP's spouse did. I only have his perspective so far...

I wasn't meaning you in particular but people in general. Everyone should keep private matters private.