New plan....

I don't know if I'm going to keep this thread on here. I feel a little reluctant to post it. I don't think many people are going to "get" where I'm coming from with this and so I have a small fear about posting it. But I suppose there might be someone out there that can read this and not think I'm totally insane.

I haven't seen my girlfriend in more than five months. People have told me she killed herself. It's true she didn't come home for Christmas or New Year, so I guess it could be. But I've decided to just not believe it. People do that all the time. Catholics don't really believe that the communion host "became" the flesh of Christ. They know it's not true but they like to believe it anyway. There's a lot of Catholics in the world. So if that many people can choose to "suspend disbelief" about such an incredible thing, why can't I just choose to believe that my girlfriend is not dead?

How can any of us face the the unthinkable and stay sane? Isn't it better to create a delusion, a dream world and move right in, lock the door and refuse to be moved from it? That seems to me to be a better way, it doesn't hurt anyone and I think I can do it if I try hard enough. I think I see this as my only chance to keep living without becoming crippled or stuck in one moment.

I think that you do whatever you need to do to feel a little more whole, and a little more at peace. I think that on a much smaller, much less dramatic level, we all do that. Relationships don't make sense unless we layer meaning on top of them, just like life.

I have never been through what you've been through, and I think it must haunt you. The idea of a ghost is much more unsettling then just the idea of pure loss. It's much more definitive and yet never goes away.

I know it's no consellation, but there is nothing about this life that is permanent. One way or another, we all lose everything and everyone we love, one by one. That's why the happiest, most content people in the world are always the ones that are best at embracing change and practicing acceptence.

hi....

i really don't know what to say... i have read some of your threads...

and my heart is broken by your pain... i wish i could reach out to you...

in your other threads you acknowledge she is no longer alive, part from in your heart and in your soul...

when i finished reading your story, i phoned my ex... he was there for me through my depression... and i just had to phone him to say thank you for loving me and caring... and that i was sorry... not for begin sick but simply cause it must have hurted him so badly...

if u need someone PM me and i'll give you my msn... i really feel very connected to you and would love to just be there for you!

Oh my god thats is so absolutely terrible! I am practically speechless after reading. Its the same when i here of a woman on the news losing her child or her child has gone missing. I just don't know what i would do. But iv often thought that if that happened to me i would rather they still be missing than have that proof of them being gone,ie murdered. I don't blame you for not wanting to believe it.

15 storeys, I have read your threads before but I can't remember you mentioning, have you had any kind of counseling or therapy to help you through this? Any person on this PLANET having to go through this should not have to face it alone.

I'm no professional but to me if believing she is alive and out there somewhere helps you move on, I see no harm. I think people usually do that, in a way -- they like to believe a person's spirit and presense is still on earth, with them all the time. I think it's actually true.

However if you believing she is alive brings you false hope she will show up on your doorstep one day, I think this could be damaging to you. I am so sorry for your pain, you are a strong man.

Take care of yourself. Do whatever it is that helps you get through. You are in my prayers.

*big hugs* if u need to talk to someone you can always talk to me.

and i kind of know what ur on about about the believing. like i believe my teddies talk.

if it helps you, then it is good =). but try not to let it take over so u can function.

*big hugs*

It's the hardest thing in the world to get over the loss of someone you love, and my heart is out there for you.

Many people deal in their own ways, and if that is the way that you want to deal with it then, yes, that is absolutely fine - you do whatever you want to do.

On a more serious note though, I think you need to find out what has happened to her. If she has gone forever, or whether she has just gone for a while. You need to know for sure so that you can be certain.

If she has then I think this poem might help you move on.

Remember me when I am gone away,

Gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day

You tell me of our future that you plann'd:

Only remember me; you understand

It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while

And afterwards remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

Than that you should remember and be sad.

I think that you need to do whatever will make you feel the most at ease.

However, you can't give yourself false hope that she'll one day come back to you, but I think you knew that already.

I really don't know what else to tell you... it's heartbreaking and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You seem like such a great guy.

Storeys, you know the 5 stages of Grief, right? The very first one, I don't think you have truly visited completely. At least not so far as I've been reading your posts and knowing how you think.

I have seen you go through the surreal feeling of disbelief, which is a natural reaction to shock. But I have not seen you go through true denial. So my feeling is that maybe now this is the time for you to do that.

Though I do sense from this that you are trying it out much like a suit with a color, fabric and design that is completely not you, trying to like it and make it fit on your body because it would be a lot cheaper than the other one on the rack (that you can't imagine affording).

There is a reason I am not Catholic, and a reason YOU are not Catholic, even if there are many people in this world who are able to accept things in that way. This is maybe the reason I am not religious, and I think maybe the same for you? Religion requires a certain susceptibility to thinking this way. Though I've known people who were not at all religious, and then after having seen a "vision" of some sort, are instantly converted. I don't know what is truly at play in these situations, I'm just not smart enough. But one thing I feel is that faith is something, that while you can learn to have over time, and a certain amount of "blindness" being implicit in that act, it still has to make sense to you on some level.

If, over time, something doesn't make SENSE, I think it will eventually give way. And therein might be some great disillusionment. In the case of religious beliefs, it's possible that you can maintain this over the course of a lifetime -- there really is no proof of most of the things religion asserts, so one CAN viably take the position that it might be true. The Communion, Heaven, Hell, etc....it's really nothing that unbelievers can completely disprove, is it?

But with your gf, there is a little more proof. It's not so much a matter of blind faith, as in religion. It's more a matter of what you saw with your own eyes, what you experienced, and the evidence on the ground.

I know on some level I'm talking to the you that agrees. But I also think that there is some reason you are feeling this way right now, and that too, is okay. As I said, denial is a huge and important block in the grief cycle, and I don't think I've ever really seen you go there, because you're way too rational of a person.

I think it's fine to examine the irrational. But also know that there are other ways to face the unthinkable and not go insane or stay where you are, stuck. This is not the only answer. It will just take a lot of time and a lot of suits you try on before you can find something that you actually feel you can accept without ripping it off your body and screaming. It's going to take time, and this one suit, see how it fits for now.

Just know that there are many others yet to be revealed to you.

I don't know. I'm not arguing with anyone who talks about the "stages" of grief but I don't think they apply here. I won't/can't ever accept this, not this, ever. I thought about this while I was away and I suppose realising that I'm not ever going to accept this "story" as the truth is actually a form of acceptance in itself. So, I suppose I'm saying that I'm reasonably content with knowing that I won't get out of this alive, it just can't be resolved with what I have here. I don't know about after or if there is an "after" but I think I've come to the realisation that it would only waste time trying to accept the unacceptable...so I'm not, ever. I don't think it will "catch up" with me. I think I can outrun it. And if there's a point in the next twenty years when it overtakes me, I suppose I'll just let it. It's going to kill me sooner or later anyway, I can accept that too, even look forward to it as an end to pain if nothing else. If I still believe in anything it's that you can create your own reality, and mine will not include my fiancee dying before me. She got up and walked away so she's still alive someplace. That's how I'm going to look at it from now on. It's how I'm going to cope.

You know I "get you".

I think right now that is a good idea. Thinking that she's alive and she left. I did the same thing. In fact, for me, he was still in the Army. Just overseas. And couldn't call. And that's what kept me going.

It doesn't really matter...it's all what keeps you going. What YOU need to know, and what you need to believe is that it does get better.

I know you don't believe it now...I didn't either. But I've been there, and you know where I'm comin' from.

Do what you need to do. You don't owe anyone an explanation of what you choose to do. You look out for YOU.

~Allie

When I mention the "stages" of grief, I'm not talking about some cookbook recipe.

Because there is no recipe -- you say they don't apply, those stages. Well, I certainly am not here to argue them, but you are a human being, and so the kinds of things you are experiencing, while your own "story" is completely unique, never to be lived again by anyone else, there is still a universal array of emotions that accompany grief. A "stage" after loss can last a month, or a lifetime. The main emotions that are experienced are just ones that are recognized, and as much you know I don't aim to categorize things, I think I was taking from your OP the following subtext, and maybe I was mistaken, but I read: "I know this defies reality, but I'm going to say that she lived, is still alive. I don't really believe that, but since it's the only thing I can do now to cope, I will make myself believe it." You can call that false hope, or denial, or an altered truth or a different plane of awareness or whatever it is without any classic label, but whatever it is, it is TOTALLY NORMAL AND PART OF THE CONSTELLATION OF FEELINGS YOU SHOULD SEE AS PART OF THIS WHOLE JOURNEY. It's not only not insane, it's what happens.

As allie has said. It just happens. So it does apply as I see it, however long it lasts or feels right to you.

I apologize if my "jargon" was annoying, I just meant to say that to me, this was a long time in coming, and it is just as real as the depression or anger or guilt, and it doesn't make you crazy, others have shared this.

I also think many wrong associations can be drawn from the word "acceptance" (kind of like how "forgiveness" is misconstrued), but I don't think any of them pertain right here, because I was not implying "acceptance" in what I wrote. What I wrote was not about the future, or calculations, it is about NOW.

There is also a paradox I've found in my own life. When I've said, "This will never, ever, EVER get better" I lived to see a day I looked back and felt differently about it. It may not happen for you in this, but it happens. It does happen. Leave a crack open for that, leave the door ajar. It won't look like anything any of us can say now, but it will be what it is, when it is. And that IS will be different from what the IS now IS. If I'm making any sense to you.

Finally, despite all that:

I'm reasonably content with knowing that I won't get out of this alive,

None of us are going to get out of life alive. This much is a done deal.

Storeys,

There is strength...that you have gotten this far, that you took time off, that you are posting again. Many baby steps to get this far, but you have. Please believe that you will heal...you have already started, it's obvious. Now continue. Get out of that flat, first off. Bring her things with you, but I think you must move. You can't keep re-living it...it's just not good for you, and right now, it's all bout Storeys. Give yourself room to breathe, treat yourself to a few minutes without grief. I write this as a friend...and I hope you take no offense...

KG

If I move, she won't know where I've gone.

She knows where you work.

Ok. I've spent quite some time reading this and re-reading this. Crying. Reading. Having a drink, and then crying and reading again. I've had a lot of thoughts and feelings here and I hope that my fingers can do them justice and they can come out in some coherent manner......

I haven't seen my girlfriend in more than five months. People have told me she killed herself. It's true she didn't come home for Christmas or New Year, so I guess it could be. But I've decided to just not believe it. People do that all the time.

......

How can any of us face the the unthinkable and stay sane? Isn't it better to create a delusion, a dream world and move right in, lock the door and refuse to be moved from it? That seems to me to be a better way, it doesn't hurt anyone and I think I can do it if I try hard enough. I think I see this as my only chance to keep living without becoming crippled or stuck in one moment.

15, I have to tell you (and everyone else who has read my posts on your threads) this: I have only really begun to accept my mothers death. She died, suddenly at age 60, 4 years ago.

So yeah. I've been using you to pull these feelings out of me because I finally realized that I had them bottled up, wired in a tight cord.

I feel guilty and a pretender often when I post on your threads and express myself, truth be told. Like I'm somehow able to take your grief and channel my own. I know we are partners in grief (albeit of greatly different types). But the fact remains that my doing it the way I do, on top of your grief (which I can not compare to), feels petty and selfish to me at times.

But would you like to hear a little about what I have learned?

I cannot speak for you personally thru all this, but as you know I have read most (all?) of your posts so I kinda think I might be on the right track here.

I bottled it up. I looked after my Dad. Look after the living right? (side note: everyone forgot to look after me).

Sure it was my mother that died. But it was also my father's partner. My father's partner that he had been legally separated from even for a short while, when I was too young to understand the gravity of the situation. But they truly were partners. Partners in life. For so many years.

And you know what? While looking after my Dad I truly did not believe "it". Even after dreading the wait for the memorial service for 7 months (another story for another time), I really did not believe it.

I realize now that this occurred because I was protecting myself. Protecting myself from the on-the-bathroom floor-type, curled up in the fetal position sort of grief. This is something I know that you know all too well.

But I realize also that I was protecting myself from it, to the degree that I could. I was protecting myself until the time that I was mentally/emotionally ready.

So yeah. I am attracted to your, and others' threads for a reason, a selfish reason. Because I simply need to let it out.

But I have realized this I NEEDED to not acknowledge things fully at the time. I needed to do this in order to fully process it. I needed it to not be "curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor". Something that sadly I know you are all too familiar with.

But I will say this: When I finally did start to acknowledge things fully, to let certain things in/out, I was much better able to handle it. So deep inside I held some of it back/denied/refused to acknowledge some things because I was not ready.

You know what? Thats ok. It really, truly is.

Though I do sense from this that you are trying it out much like a suit with a color, fabric and design that is completely not you, trying to like it and make it fit on your body because it would be a lot cheaper than the other one on the rack (that you can't imagine affording).

I like this analogy. It really is hard to find the suit that fits. Better, its hard to find the suit that fits that you like and that you can afford at the moment! A lot of wisdom in that I think...........(thanks TOV!)

I won't/can't ever accept this, not this, ever. I thought about this while I was away and I suppose realising that I'm not ever going to accept this "story" as the truth is actually a form of acceptance in itself. So, I suppose I'm saying that I'm reasonably content with knowing that I won't get out of this alive, it just can't be resolved with what I have here.

You'll accept parts of this, over time. But this will always be part of you, something in your life that later in life will define who you are. Should you be asked to bare this burden? no. Will you? yes. What other constructive choice do you have?

In fact, for me, he was still in the Army. Just overseas. And couldn't call. And that's what kept me going.

I'm sorry Allie, I didn't know.

If I move, she won't know where I've gone.

Yeah, I know this sounds trite by now, but she will always know where you have gone. You will know this in your heart. When you cherish moments with your future family someday, your future kids....and it won't always be pleasant either for you will be the one that truly knows the sanctity of life and the feeling of profound loss.

So you'll worry about them, your children, your children's children because you will be the one who truly knows such profound loss.

This will make you a better man 15. A better father, a better grandfather (and I know its too soon to say this but as a better lover and a better soulmate). This has happened at too high a price I agree.

It will take time. Time you've got. Time is life. Life is beautiful.

I'm going to go get a drink now.

WIS

That might easily be the bravest, boldest, truest, ballsiest, realest post I've ever read on here or ever will.

You blow my mind. This is Storey's story, but it is a bit of mine, too, just as it is a bit of yours.

Protecting. Yes, you're right. I'm protecting me and I'm protecting others, that don't want to hear about it or be reminded of this supposed tale anymore. They want to be able to move on with their lives without feeling guilty that they're leaving me behind. So, I just believe that she isn't gone.....She's just on holiday and, although, I can miss her, I know I'll see her again so it doesn't ache as badly. I don't know when but it'll happen. If someone's on holiday they always have to come back eventually right? So, if I believe that it means I can interact more with others, let them know that it's okay if they carry on. I know how badly guilt makes you feel and I don't want other people feeling it.

And you know what mate? It's okay that this helped you get some feelings out. That's the power of the written word supposedly. I don't proclaim that my words are that powerful but people can take what they can out of them and if that means it helps someone get something out then that's all good. The words are out there where everyone can see and when that happens they become everybody's. So you don't have to feel selfish or petty.

The future. My future is with her. That's all I know. Wherever she goes I'll go with her.

I wanted to give you rep points for your post but it won't let me. Says I have to spread the love around.

I think we all need to do what ever we need to do to take care of ourselves, and to get ourselves through this life one day at a time.

The power of the written word is indeed an awesome thing, and this has been is excellent thread.

No one should feel guilty for anything.

Never compare your grief to anyone else's...your grief is the only grief you feel.

~Allie

Hi there,

I've done exactly what you said in your post - in the face of death, I said to myself "I just won't believe it. I'll pretend that he's moved away, but he's still alive". It doesn't work, sweetheart. It will work for a second, a day, a week, but it won't work. I'm so sorry.

I really think you should see a bereavement counsellor - CRUSE in the UK are good; they helped me through some stuff, and gave me telephone counselling when I needed it. I'm so sorry, I understand the pain you're in, I understand your post completel - but ultimately, it won't work.

I wish there was something more helpful I could say, but I really think you need to talk to someone about this, professionally to help you talk through what's going on in your head.

Take care

It will work. It has to. It really has to.

Do what you need to live ... don't let anyone tell you what's right or wrong... because feelings are never wrong... you have to deal with this on your own way... but remember you are not alone!! If u want to talk about anything, I am here for you... even if u want to talk about the weather...

Do what you need to live ... don't let anyone tell you what's right or wrong... because feelings are never wrong... you have to deal with this on your own way... but remember you are not alone!!

Do what you need to do to get through each day.

When tomorrow comes, deal with tomorrow.

We only get one day at a time.

And you know you can PM me anytime...

Anytime.

~Allie

Protecting. Yes, you're right. I'm protecting me and I'm protecting others, that don't want to hear about it or be reminded of this supposed tale anymore. They want to be able to move on with their lives without feeling guilty that they're leaving me behind. So, I just believe that she isn't gone.....She's just on holiday and, although, I can miss her, I know I'll see her again so it doesn't ache as badly. I don't know when but it'll happen. If someone's on holiday they always have to come back eventually right? So, if I believe that it means I can interact more with others, let them know that it's okay if they carry on. I know how badly guilt makes you feel and I don't want other people feeling it.

I do very much believe that you are doing now what you must, and like others here are saying, you are finding your own way to the truth of this "tale."

I am glad you are finding spaces to breathe in the process.

Not understanding or reconciling the pieces, but putting a shape to it that can be understood and placed in a secure spot for the time being is a bit of relief and grace. Understanding that things aren't understandable right here and now is a very, very solid premise. You can take and rest a lot of wearisome weights upon that and have it hold up, while you move your aching shoulders a bit.

Putting away trying to figure anything out is a good thing, my friend.

But in the meantime, I wanted to just comment on the bolded parts of your statements, above. I think it's very likely you are projecting feelings of guilt onto your friends that isn't there. I think you are projecting a lot here onto them: a wish to be rid of this so that they can just move on with their lives, a sense of guilt if they do move forward that they are "leaving you behind." Remember, as much as your pain is theirs, they have their own resources; and they are still there for the duration. There is no "moving on" for them, just "continuing forward." These people are not going anywhere; and yet things are not at a standstill. Both are true. You may perceive that they are tarrying for your sake, but the fact is that they are in charge of their own life and affairs, and are continuing on in their own ways. They are taking you along. Even if you seem to be moving at different speeds, or that you are in one place and they are in another, love and care bridges that with inclusiveness. Any good friend will know that your life isn't about making it alright for them to go about theirs, and their life is enobled by being a part of yours, whatever is happening. Do you know what I mean? Whatever is happening. You don't have to change the story for them, or create a new chapter for them. You don't live for their sake, just as they are not living for yours. We cannot change our emotions to suit other people, and good friends do not and are not going to ask you to do this. Don't you think this perception of guilt might by your own sense of guilt, perhaps that you are a burden to come to them just as you are? Please, please if this might be the case...take that off of your shoulders, too. Because you don't owe them a different life from what you are living. It's as simple as that -- you come with your circumstances, and they as friends are there to just be along. Now that I think about it, you are taking them along just as much as they are taking you along. No one is "behind" or "ahead", everyone is just where they are, and the intersection is your friendship.

They are responsible for their own lives and happiness, regardless of what is currently your state of mind and affairs. They are going to "carry on" with what they need, and you don't have to worry about accounting for or taking care of that piece.

And the situation is one requiring GREAT patience. There is nothing here for you to do other than be the person you are, in this very situation you are in. That is your sole and only job here. And you are doing it.

Guilt has no place here, and I keep praying for your banishing it. Because their living and your living can completely co-exist without having to match up.

Whatever your future holds and whatever your present entails is the stuff of which you have to work with, and so do they. No more, no less.

Your frienship is based on your regard for eachother's wellbeing, but that wellbeing cannot be fabricated. It can be tended only, as life presents itself.

Where you meet other people, and how you can bridge things for now, is that place of acceptance that their lives and yours are woven together, but they are completely different colors.