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Thread: Don't know what to do...

  1. #621
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    Any do's and don'ts when I talk to her? I don't want to mess anything up, I'm a bit nervous, she hasn't contacted me since I saw her but as she asked me to give her a week it should be okay to go and see her Sunday, shouldn't it?

  2. #622
    Member chocolatemilk's Avatar
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    Just be how you usually are, don't push and take her cues.

  3. #623
    Member chocolatemilk's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wayfara
    I'm a little worried it means I'm a doormat for having sex with someone who doesn't even take her clothes off (with the exception for the shirt) but in the moment I'm not really thinking and just want to be intimate with her. We've had a thing going on for over four years and even for the year I didn't see her I was still thinking of her. So is it bad that I'm actually considering being okay with it? lol I'm totally in love with her and if she really wants it that way...

    Do you think it could be she doesn't let me touch her because she doesn't feel safe and comfortable with receiving?

    I'm excited to hear what she thinks about us tomorrow but I'm worried she is regretting what happened, not sure if it's a good sign she asked for a whole week to process.

    It wouldn't make you are doormat per se, submissive, yes, but they have their own role to fulfill and no there wouldn't be anything wrong with that if it was what you both wanted. You would be far from the first, its not as uncommon as you would think. I was reading through some of your old posts, and she just comes off as very dominant sexually, emotionally etc and needing control. So now I wonder if most of her hangup regarding sex and relationships could be related to simply not wanting/being averse to play a submissive role and not realizing that it is an option for her not to.

  4. #624
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    I've never heard of straight couples where one of them refuses to undress but I mostly have straight friends. The thing with E is that she kind of has two sides, one dominant and one not so much. As a friend she's actually a bit of a pushover, mostly happy doing with whatever I want to do, well she'll say when it's something she absolutely doesn't want to do but even then many times I can still persuade her lol. It's when things get sexual or romantic she gets like that. I like getting my way so I would probably not be happy with someone who was dominant all the time but I am very attracted to her more assertive side.

    I will be going to her in an hour or two, I'll try not to push her.

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  6. #625
    Member chocolatemilk's Avatar
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    Well yeah, that is not to say its normal, but it isn't an unknown thing, though I can't see that happening with straight couples at all really. Good luck.

  7. #626
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    Forgot to tell what happened. I had planed to say so many things to her but the atmosphere was so awkward between us, she seemed shy or something. It wasn't until I was leaving she said anything regarding us, asked me if I'm seeing anyone and I said no and she seemed happy about it so I hope she asked because she wants us to be something. I hope I'll get a better chance to talk to her this weekend.

  8. #627
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    I don't think there is anything wrong with you. You've made your mistakes just like everyone makes mistakes. Right now is when you are finally doing what's right. The feelings you have, regardless of how 'normal' they are...those feelings aren't 'wrong'. If you have feelings of joy over thoughts of hurting someone, then I would say something is wrong with you. If you are questioning your sexuality, then you are just being honest with yourself. Don't punish yourself, especially now. From what I know about the situation, you are finally trying to right what was wrong about your past behavior. Kudos to you, and good luck with your situation. However, don't put too much emphasis on her. If your feelings are mutual then great, but if not, at least you have learned a great deal about yourself.

  9. #628
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    Thought I should give an update. Things have gone a bit back and forth since my last here but we are maybe getting back together and I suppose I'm a little uncertain about what I'm getting myself into lol.

    She had told me earlier that a relationship would never work so we were trying to be friends, well I wasn't really trying... Then two months ago we I told her I still want us to be something, being friends just seem like a quiet resignation when you know you could be so much more. She said my parents wouldn't like it, that she would still be a crappy girlfriend, and when I wasn't dissuaded she gave me to choose between a "nice" friendship or a "disgusting" relationship. Well the "disgusting" relationship alternative didn't sound that bad to me and we ended up sleeping together.

    She asked me in the morning after if I thought I could be content living like this, looking back I think she meant content even if I don't get to do her but at the time I thought she meant like in general (said yes). Later I asked her if I could touch her too. She seemed a bit shy about the prospect but as she agreed to it I thought it was just that, shyness. We took it slow, started kissing and she seemed fine with that but when it came to taking off her shirt she pushed me off, looking almost scared. I asked her if I had triggered some bad memory. Well it was pretty obvious what and who I meant and she was like yes, it bothers her she lost her virginity to a dirty old man but sex was disgusting to her before that too. I told her I thought she only gave him a hand job to which she answered that if we have done is sex then that must have been sex too. Well she regretted everything that had happened between us, relationships were nothing but failed friendships corrupted by lust.

    I didn't get to see her for several weeks after that, she was seeing her father. Considering how things ended and she hating phones I didn't think I would hear anything from her, then she called. She wanted to say she was sorry for freaking out on me and somehow we ended up talking for two, three hours. From that day we started talking almost on daily basis, it was very nice, I never thought she would come around to phones.

    When she came back from her trip I surprised her at the train station and when she saw me she came up and gave me a big long tight hug right then and there. It always gives me tingles when she hugs me like that and it felt pretty special because she usually isn't much for public display of affection. Anyway she said she had been thinking about me a lot and if I was still up for a relationship she was too, suggested that I took a month to think it through. I think she is worried I will say yes and be unhappy as that was sort of what happened in our last relationship.

    Anyhow it's been a little over three weeks and things have been great. I spent Easter mostly with her, we made all the dinners together, went for walks, threw snow at each other (it had snowed so it was like winter all over again). I teased her a lot, annoyed her with songs, made up pet names for her, started several pillow fights and she teased me some too. Well there were also a lot of cuddling and some rather intense make-out sessions We went to bed pretty early all the nights but spent like the first two hours talking rather than sleeping, talked a bit of everything, what we wanted do with our lives etc.

    I told my mother that E and I are thinking about getting back together. She told me to invite E for tea, I did and we had a nice afternoon all three of us. Well until my mother started talking about artificial insemination and asked E if it didn't feel empty that her brothers have grown up, E said it didn't, and then when E had gone home my mother asked me if E had something personal against children... I told her no, that she's actually pretty good with kids but that neither of us want them and it's too soon to even talk about kids at this stage. My mother was like saying I shouldn't be so defensive, that she just wanted to enlighten us about all the alternatives in case I one day would change my mind.

    Anyway E and I have had a big talk about sex. Basically she still thinks it's disgusting but as my body excites her and she likes making me happy she doesn't mind doing things for me as long it doesn't have to involve her body. She has given me option of no sex too but I do want intimacy. Ideally I would also want to reciprocate but I would want her to want me to. I suppose I wonder if it matters that I would prefer being able to reciprocate if the times we have been intimate have been amazing even without it? How important should it be that a partner can live up to all your preferences?

  10. #629
    Have you ever seen the movie, "Show Me Love"? In Sweden where it originated, it's called "F***ing Amal" (Amal is a very small town in Sweden). If you haven't seen it, find it, rent it, watch it--you miight also be able to watch it in sections on YouTube under the Swedish title. It has English subtitles. I'm not saying your story will turn out like the movie did, but the blonde girl might be someone you can relate to.

    Beec gave you good advice--you're figuring things out and if you decide to be friends or more, just make sure you let it happen very slowly.

    I have friends who have been partnered/married for years & years and didn't even like each other when they met, much like you didn't like this girl. But I think your dislike sounded more like envy of the girl's aloofness. Anyway, your assessment of yourself being not normal and having something seriously wrong with you is exactly the contrary--the way you feel is totally normal, nothing is wrong with you, and what you're going through happens to TONS of people. So take heart! Good luck.

  11. #630
    Gold Member Wayfara's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by herekitty
    Have you ever seen the movie, "Show Me Love"? In Sweden where it originated, it's called "F***ing Amal" (Amal is a very small town in Sweden). If you haven't seen it, find it, rent it, watch it--you miight also be able to watch it in sections on YouTube under the Swedish title. It has English subtitles.
    Haha, no need for subtitles for me but thanks for reminding me of the movie As a Swedish girl it's a Swedish movie I'm ashamed to not have seen yet as it's quite famous here. I've seen two of Lukas Moodyssons other movies like Lilja 4-ever and Mammut but Show me love I have only seen a scene here and there when it's been on TV. I did like Lilja 4-ever and Mammut but they were also quite sad so I suppose I've been hesitating because I'm afraid Show me love would be a sad movie too?


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