Don't know what to do...

[aquatic]

You think?

Yes, but I won't tell you why because it won't help, you'll just start needlessly reading her-- she'll let you know in her own way if she is. Btw, just in case, if there's talk going around about her being gay, I'd suggest you either keep out of it or defend her (as per her word), even if there is suspicion on your (well, my, hehe) part.

 

I don't think you two should hang out at your place. Though your mom said she apologizes, which is good and dandy, seeing more of what kind of person she is, I don't think any visit from E will be eventless. Maybe you guys can hang out at her place or the mall, or elsewhere, instead. I'm not ragging on your mom, it's just that I know her type-- and if she's not going to be a spectacle duirng E's visit, she will be after. And even the days that follow it.

 

About what you mom keeps pressuring to be, play it by ear. You're still young and if you don't plan to have kids at your 20s, stick to your guns. Don't feel guilty. That last thing you want to be is miserable for the choices other people made for your life, esp. when it traps you from changing it to what you really want.

 

Oh, and B sounds like a tool. Maybe you should tell your mom he slept with two girls in your class, if that doesn't keep her off your back about this match up, I don't know what will.

[Tigris]

I agree about telling your Mother about B sleeping with the girls.

[Wayfara]

Oh, and B sounds like a tool.

 

What does the expression mean? Literally it sounds like he’s like a hammer or another utensil, lol (but maybe you mean that ). Sorry, English isn’t my primary language as you may have noticed.

 

When I told E what B had said she became very serious and quiet and asked me if he really had said that. She hadn't realised that he was into her for real, she had thought that he was joking and just said strange things to her to be funny (oblivious girl, but now she knows better).

 

I don't think you two should hang out at your place.

 

You’re right, it’s best to keep E from my mother. I didn’t really know before that mother could get this fanatical, well I knew she had her ways but not that she could get this extreme. I do love my mother but right now I can’t stand her.

 

I agree about telling your Mother about B sleeping with the girls.

 

I already did but she doesn’t believe me. She thinks that I must have misunderstood or exaggerate because his mother is such a good person and he seems like such a nice young man. She thinks that I only dislike him because I am in a confused, disordered state (which I must be as I mentioned homosexuality and written that suspicious poem). She probably believes that I can be “cured” if I only spend some time with the opposite sex. What a headache… I’m so tired hearing her nagging.

 

Maybe I should just stop fooling myself. If I try to be E’s friend it will end badly. I’m beginning to fall for her and that isn’t good, if I stay around her I could fall hard. I have already apologized for my bad behaviour and warned about B, I’ve done what I should have done. Now maybe it’s time for me to stay out of trouble. E is, what I know of, straight and spends probably only time with me because she feels she has to. Should I really bother her then? Besides it isn’t real love what I feel, it’s just infatuation or obsession. Most likely this thing is just a phase for me, something I can forget about if I stop seeing her. Besides, if I stop hanging out with her I think my mother would calm down for the moment and not try set me up with some random guy (at least until I move out and then she has no control over me any longer).

 

Wouldn't it be stupid to put oneself in the situation of falling for a straight girl if one could prevent it? Am I right? What do you think? Should I stop trying to befriend her?

[aquatic]

What does the expression mean?

An ignorant jerk.

 

She thinks that I must have misunderstood or exaggerate because his mother is such a good person and he seems like such a nice young man.

Well, since your mother likes to snoop around your things, leave a few condom packs in one of your drawers. I'd say that'll freak her out, but it seems your mother's selective about what to freak out about, so... LOL.

 

Should I stop trying to befriend her?

Have you ever given advice to friends only for them to ignore it? Despite all the analysis of pros and cons, they go against the advice. I'm not saying they're wrong. I'm just saying, eventually, no matter how logical or rational we look at this problem, you'll still have to listen to what your heart can take because it will speak the loudest.

 

Can you take not talking to her despite seeing her everyday? Won't it make you miserable and jealous? Because, like it or not, this will ruin your friendship if you seem angry towards her all the time. Not talking to her won't guarantee forgetting her easier esp. when you see her a lot. If you can take it with some level of peace, then, yes, set some friendly distance. Maybe this will even be a good opportunity to see if she approaches you first because she enjoys your company and not becuase she's forced to, like what you think.

 

Scenario 2: You are confused and admit that this might just be a fleeting obsession. If you really see it this way, I think spending time with her will make it clearer for you-- if it's just a phase or if she's really someone you can fall for. As of now, you just know the romanticized version of her, the mysterious E. Who knows, maybe once you really get to know each other, she's just a gal pal. Being aware that this is not really sexual, it should help you control your feelings while being around her.

 

Or maybe including your other friends and turning this into one big group might help you relax more, as opposed to a one-on-one friendship with her.

 

Actually, there are many possible scenarios and ways to pick apart and predict what can happen. Gauge yourself. And keep working on that poker face At the end of the day, if you do decide to distance yourself, just make sure you're not cutting her off coldly because that would be sending E a confusing/hurtful signal because you've just started being friendly so recently. Take her feelings into consideration as well.

 

Hm, I'll be away for a few days. I'd like to know how this ends up, keep us posted. Hope you choose the right strategy! Good luck.

[Tigris]

I advise you to stay friends with her.

 

If you suddenly change your mind again she's never going to trust you again. She may even think you're playing games with her.

 

If you're not sure whether she's friends with you because she wants to or because she has to then ask her. Just say, 'Do you mind that we hang out together?'

[Wayfara]

Well, since your mother likes to snoop around your things, leave a few condom packs in one of your drawers.

 

Maybe it would make her day instead of freaking her out, lol.

 

I thought about and yes it would be hard to forget E as long I see her every day. It’s about a month until graduation and I’ll wait until that day to decide if it’s best not seeing her anymore. Until then I will try to get to know her better and maybe as you say I will see her as she really is and I’ll get rid of the infatuation.

 

If you suddenly change your mind again she's never going to trust you again. She may even think you're playing games with her.

 

I’ll try not doing anything rash or something I’ll regret. If I decide it’s best not to see her I’ll try doing it with a sense of tact.

 

I have thought about including E among my group of friends so yesterday I asked her if she wanted to go the the mall with me and my friends. She said: "If you mean [several names] I’m not ardent on seeing them more than I have to.” Well it wasn’t that a very big surprise. Many times when I used to tease and bully her I took my friends with me and they would go along with me and say things to her too. Now I think it proababy was for the best that she refused as even if they don’t bother her anymore (because of consideration of me) they don't like her very much and find her arrogant and wonder why I sudden have taken pity of her. I asked her if she minded that we hang out together. “If I did I wouldn’t do that. I do like you”, she said and then started to smile and added: “As a friend, your mum needn’t to worry.”

 

She invited me to come over to her place tomorrow. My mother isn’t that happy about it, me being alone wit E. She has been saying me things like: “Don’t let her do anything to you that you don’t want.” She won’t listen to me when I explain that E isn’t interested in me that way. Well, what can I do about it? Nothing really.

 

I'd like to know how this ends up, keep us posted.

 

I’m glad someone wants to listen to my rambling.

[Tigris]

The way your Mother is talking to you you'd think you were a little child who didn't know anything about sex. lol

[aquatic]

“Don’t let her do anything to you that you don’t want.”

Hahahaha! Your mom's such a character... what a hoot.

 

“If I did I wouldn’t do that. I do like you”,

 

 

I’m glad someone wants to listen to my rambling.

Not a problem Glad to help.

[Wayfara]

Hahahaha! Your mom's such a character... what a hoot.

 

The way your Mother is talking to you you'd think you were a little child who didn't know anything about sex. lol

 

Lol. I would be embarrassed to death if my friends would see her talking to me like that. I don’t really know what has become of her; she never treated me like that before. When I got my first boyfriend she was just pleased and not worried at all, she didn’t even give me a warning talk about sex like many of my friends got.

 

My mother’s nagging was making me tense before my visit to E but after a half an hour at E’s apartment I was already at higher spirits. Even though I feel very conscious of her presense I do at the same time feel calm around her. I don’t feel the need to play any role around her. With other people I try to look good, I play the good student, the nice daughter, the cool friend. E has already seen my bad sides; it’s too late to start trying to impress her now.

 

Well we had a fun time. Although she’s a bit aloof she’s really nice and it seems that we have many common interests, into same stuff, like the same movies etc. But when I gave her a hug of good bye which I use to give my other friends she totally stiffened. She said something about not being used to hugs as in her family they never did that. I was probably going way too fast as it’s only two weeks ago since we began being friendly to each other. I suppose that I should have waited with hugs a couple of months.

[Tigris]

Next time you want to do that ask her if it's ok. Don't just give up on the idea. Also explain to her that you do it to all your friends.

 

Because she stiffend up it's obvious that she's never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend or she'd have been ok about it.

 

It'll take you a while before you break all the barriers down.

 

Keep us updated.

[aquatic]

E has already seen my bad sides; it’s too late to start trying to impress her now.

LOL

 

Based on her reply, I say don't worry about the hugging and just be yourself (being a naturally affectionate person.) She'll get used to it.

[Wayfara]

Keep us updated.

 

My internet goes up and down but I’ll try. Nothing but trivial things happens to me and I don’t think something interesting will occur anytime soon (if ever) between E and I so I'm afraid I'll soon bore you out.

 

During the school break I said to E as a joke that I was sure that she wouldn’t dare to take a swim outside when it was so cold. She said: “I would if you would.” I didn’t want to be a chicken so I said the same thing back. So to prove ourselves not weaklings we decided a time to meet at a small lake nearby. As it was windy we were the only ones there. When I started to take my clothes off to out put on the swimsuit she was like: “What! Are you going to change right before my eyes? Go behind a tree.” I didn’t think it much of a deal, my friends use to change in front of me all the time (but perhaps my friends and I are just strange).

Me: “Oh, I didn’t realise it would turn you on.”

E: “It would not!”

Such a prude, she sounded quite undignified. Maybe I shouldn’t have done the teasing thing but it just slipped out of me.

 

I think I ogled a little bit too much when I saw her in her swinsuit.

E: “What is it? Do I have a spider crawling on me?”

I’ll have to be more subtle in the future or she’ll figure me out. When it was time to say good bye she just stood there looking on the ground until she suddenly gave me a hug, very brief and it felt a bit awkward but it was okay, think I blushed.

 

When I came home my mother said she wanted to have a talk with me so we sat down on the sofa.

Mother: “You aren’t still a virgin, are you?”

I was quite shocked by the question, I’m not the type who uses or likes to talk about that sort of stuff with my mother.

Mother: “Aren’t you sexually active?”

When I didn’t respond to the question she said she always thought I was but that the thing about E had made her doubt a little.

Me: What has E doing with me being a virgin?”

Mother: “You are then?”

Apparently she hadn’t really expected it. Then she started talking about the possibility that I could have a phobia of men.

 

To sum it up I have mother who wants me to start having sex with men but I only have sexual fantasies about an asexual girl, it feels weird and wrong. I really want to spend time with E and get to know her but at the same time I don’t want to lose my heart. I try to see her just like the way I see my other friends but it doesn’t work that well. And including her in my group of friends didn’t work out. How do I prevent myself from falling in love with her? One part of me is thinking that maybe my mother has right, maybe I just have a phobia of men, that maybe I should just get laid and I’ll get used to it and like it and by doing that I’ll begin to see E as a normal friend.

[aquatic]

After that fun swim, your mother's such a party pooper. LOL.

 

Don't worry about it- just spend time with her, no expectations, AND no shenanigans on your part;-). It'll all fall into place. Though I like that she hugged you first, I especially like that you're helping her become a more open person emotionally and socially. Enjoy being her friend for now. Just enjoy it by the day.

[Tigris]

Your Mother makes me laugh!

 

It was nice of her to give you a hug first even though she still felt weird about it. She needs someone like you to show her the difference between the way her family treat her and how a friend does. I think she's had her guard up for that long that she's never had friends before.

 

It's also possible that she's never had anyone apologise when they've done wrong to her before.

 

I think you two are getting on great.

 

Just take each day at a time.

[Wayfara]

I asked E what she would be doing after school and she said was going to visit her brother and that I could come too if I wanted. She warned me that her family knew about me so he could come with strange questions. I asked her what she had told them. She said that when she was little she used to tell her mother the all mean things I did to her. She had done that to get some sympathy but apparently her mother just thought the stories about me were funny and her family used to request her to tell them as a form of entertainment. Well I suppose I had that coming.

 

When her brother opened the door he looked at us with amazement.

Her brother: “It’s that what I think it is? Have you brought a ‘friend’?”

E: “She’s my classmate.”

Her brother: “What’s your name?”

Me: “Wayfara [well it isn’t my real name].”

Then he looked at E again.

Her brother: “Is it that ‘Wayfara’?”

E: “Yes, it’s the same.”

He started to laugh a lot. It was strange, it was almost like he remembered more things I had done to his sister than I did. He especially mentioned my snail-throwing period and that was a really long time ago. When it was raining during the breaks (during a very rainy autumn) I used to pick up snails and fling them at E’s head. Well I stopped with it when she one day got enough pulled me down on the ground, opened my mouth by force and threatened to put one of the snails in my mouth if I would do that again.

 

We played a strategy game on the floor. Her brother seemed like a nice guy, he's ten months older than E and to the appearance they resemble each other. He was very flirty and enjoyed teasing his little sister a lot.

Her brother: “I envy you for having such a hot girlfriend.”

E: “She’s not my girlfriend.”

Her brother: “She’s a girl and your friend then she must be your girlfriend.”

E: “She’s just a classmate I happened to take with me.”

He asked her if she still thought that it was better not having friends; that it would be tiring and complicated because of the social expectations they would get on her. She said she still thought that. She said that when she was younger there were older pupils who approached her when they saw her walking by her own and wanted to become her friends out of pity but that she rather wanted to be alone and do her own things than being the third wheel in a group of people she had nothing in common.

 

So she doesn’t even see me as a friend, I’m just a classmate and she thinks that having a friend would be exhausting. I don’t know what to think of it. Tomorrow there is no school and I'll give her a free day from me.

[Beec]

You are talking about someone who has learned to put up barriers to certain emotions, because she did not get to have them. She also learned to not trust you. It will take time for thiose things to change, perhaps a bunch of time.

 

It may help if you remain independent of her, at least form time to time.

[Tigris]

E said you were classmates so her brother would leave her alone. It was obvious he was trying to make her jealous when he said you were hot.

 

She must like you or she wouldn't have taken you home. It sounds like she hasn't done that before.

 

I'm beginning to think the only person who doesn't think she's a lesbian is her. It's obvious her brother suspects it.

[maybetomorrow]

I just read all of the posts on this thread...

 

I agree with Tigris. She was trying to get her brother off her back.

 

From what you've said so far, it seems as though things between you two are moving smoothly. Keep doing what you're doing.

 

Good Luck.

[aquatic]

I used to pick up snails and fling them at E’s head

LMAO! Gah, what a brat. I hope this was when you were kids...

 

Nah, that's just talk. Her actions say otherwise. It's good between you two. You've actually been welcomed into the enemy's lair

 

One thing you should pick up in that convo with her brother would be, she's very self-conscious about the 'lesbian issue' (and it seems she's getting it from all sides, at home and at school) so keep your lesbian teasing at bare minimum and when it's just the two of you.

 

I just want to stress one more time, you are being a friend first and foremost (... then other possibilities second ) so don't go expecting, okay? Just enjoy it.

[NKP]

I used to pick up snails and fling them at E’s head

 

LOL now thats funny.

 

I with tigris on this one too, she just said that so her brother would leave her alone.

 

Keep hanging out with her and see what happens.

[Goldeye]

I'd agree with the others; she must consider you her friend or she wouldn't have had you over. Besides, earlier you even said yourself that she told you she liked you. Don't let what she said to her brother get you down, she was just trying to get him to shut up.

[Wayfara]

Thank you for all the replies.

 

LMAO! Gah, what a brat. I hope this was when you were kids...

 

Lol. Yeah it was when we were kids, about ten years ago I think.

 

I'm beginning to think the only person who doesn't think she's a lesbian is her. It's obvious her brother suspects it...

 

Yeah I suppose it must to be bothering for her to have everybody thinking that she’s gay when she isn’t, she hasn’t done anything really for me to suspect she is. I don’t know if her brother thinks for real that his sister is a lesbian, he said all in a joking manner, maybe he just knew what would piss her off.

 

Don't let what she said to her brother get you down, she was just trying to get him to shut up.

 

Maybe you are right, I'm probably reading too much into what she says.

 

I’m still confused by my own feelings. How does one know the difference between an obsession and a crush? You usually get crushes on a friend, someone you know or you could idealize someone from distance. I haven’t heard about that you could suddenly get a crush on someone you think you hate. Then if it isn’t a crush I have it must be an obsession and obsessions are unhealthy. If someone has a crush on you it could be cute but if someone has an obsession with you then it’s just creepy. If E thinks that having a friend would be exhausting then having someone obsessed with her as a friend would be very exhausting. Anyway I'll try not to smother her too much so I'll wait to see her until school on Monday.

 

Yesterday my mother invited B for dinner, she didn’t tell me that he would be coming so I didn’t get the chance to choose not being home at the time. Afterwards she said that B’s coming had nothing to do with me, that she did it for herself because she enjoys his company. But if she enjoys his company so much she wouldn’t have occupied herself in kitchen for the largest part of the dinner leaving us alone. I get the feeling that she’s trying to hook me up with him. Thinking that one time I wanted him as a boyfriend, it scares me now. I know, he’s probably not as bad as I think but I still don’t get why B didn't just say no to the invitation, maybe he takes pleasure from ingratiate himself with my mother.

 

Could anyone who has similar experiences please tell me what they did to get their worried mum (or dad) stop trying to hook them up with persons they dislike?

[Tigris]

You should've said, 'That's ok I'm going straight out again to mee... ? ...(not E). That would've meant she'd have had to be the one entertaining him. lol

[Wayfara]

You should've said, 'That's ok I'm going straight out again to mee... ?

 

Lol, yeah I should have done that.

 

I saw E today and she seemed happy to see me. As my mother went on a trip and will be gone some days I said to E that she could follow me home so I could show her the house (last time she didn’t get see much of it). When we were sitting in my bed talking she suddenly got serious and said that she her brother had made her promise to ask me if I would have a date with him.

 

I wasn’t prepared for that so at first I didn’t know what to say, then I asked her what she would think of it. She said something like: “What I think shouldn’t matter. You and H [her brother] do as you want and should do you want and not what others think what you should do.” I didn’t think that a real answer so I asked her again. She said that she personally thought that dating in general was senseless (because of the almost nonexistent chance of it leading to a happy long-term relationship) but that she didn’t mind. She sure has pessimistic views on some things. I asked her what she would do if she fell for someone.

E: “Don’t give me nightmares now.”

Me: “It could happen.”

E: “I’m too egoistical to fall in love.”

Me: “If it happened anyway?”

E: “Then I hope I will have the sense to stay away from that person until the feeling is gone.”

Me: “But if it was mutual?”

E: “Greater reason to stay away then.”

 

Hearing her one would think that love was a severe maddening disease. She told me that the worst nightmare she ever had was that she woke up one day having husband and children. She said she never had been as relieved as when she woke up that morning realizing that it wasn’t true.

E: “Are you in love?”

I felt my cheeks go red so I tried not to look at her.

E: “You still have a crush on B, haven't you?"

She told me that if he was just half as bad as I said him to be then I really should stop thinking about him because if he discovered my weakness for him he would just use me and throw me away. Kind of funny that she thinks that I like him even after all the things I have said about him. After a moment of silence I began tickling her. She was very ticklish and begged me to stop but I didn't (yeah I'm mischievous by nature). Eventually she catched my hands, got on top of me and started tickling me in revenge without me being able to defend myself.

E: “Do you give up now?”

Me: “Yes, yes I do.”

E: “You better, I won’t be this nice next time.”

Me: “I promise, I’ll be good.”

Having her on top of me even for just a brief moment, well… She released me and asked what she should tell her brother. I said I needed a day or two to think it over. She said that next she was going to her brother I could come along and tell him the answer myself.

 

Well I shouldn’t expect anything from her, it’s enough having her as a friend (or maybe I should call her a classmate who I hang out with). I enjoy just being in her company, I feel happy. Maybe dating could make me focus on something else instead of my thing for her. But maybe it would be unfair to her brother going on a date with him if I have feelings for his sister. But then you don’t usually have feelings for the person you are going on a date with from the beginning. I'm not absolutely if E really would be okay with it, I heard that many don't like when a friend starts dating one's sibling but she said she wouldn't mind. Is it a good idea to go on a date with her brother?

[Tigris]

If you're not interested in the brother then I wouldn't go out with him. It's not fair to him and it's definitely not fair to you.

 

I liked someone once and he wasn't interested in me. His younger brother asked if I'd go to a firework display with him. I did. We went out on 3 different dates and although he was nice it didn't feel right. The main reason was he reminded me too much of my previous boyfriend and I couldn't cope with that and it wasn't fair to him.

 

I explained he was a lovely guy but I couldn't see him anymore because I'd end up hurting him.