I need help. I'll try to make this as coherent as possible. I am engaged to be married to one of the world's most wonderful men. He works hard and makes great living. He treats me like a queen, will do anything for me, I have no doubt how much he loves me and that he will be faithful,etc.
I am petrified of getting married. I feel like I am settling because I know that he loves me, but I don't think I love him like that. I feel like people that get all head over heels in love are silly. I keep myself guarded and don't think I could feel like that. I wonder though if I just haven't met the right person to do that with. Maybe with the right guy I will open up to the crazy over the moon type love.
I am not attracted to him sexually. We have sex twice a month and it's fine but not the crazy passionate sex I want it to be. I have cheated on him in the past; the most recent being on a business trip. The worst thing- I don't feel the least bit guilty when I do it.
I slept with a coworker a couple nights ago after a night at the bar. It was fun and exciting and dirty and I loved it even though the sex itself was pretty unsatisfying for me. We're both in other relationships and laughed together about it the next day saying it was a great story- too bad we could never tell anyone. Now I'm sitting here thinking about the new guy non-stop. I have always been attracted to him but he isn't really someone I think I could date. I don't think he would leave his girlfriend for me anyway.
I guess I don't even know what my question is exactly. What the heck is the matter with me? I feel like I should marry my fiance because he is the perfect man. He will do anything to make me happy, why do I keep thinking that life would be better with other people? Am I just incapable of the crazy out of control type love? My father thinks so- he says I'm too much of a realist for that.
I seriously feel like I'm going crazy! Any insight or comments are much appreciated.