forgiveness.

on june 15th me and my boyfriend were in a fairly serious car accident.

my boyfriend was at fault, but my injuries could have easily been prevented. he was driving 80 around a 30 km 90 degree corner, in bad road conditions, and missed the corner, we went air born off of a ditch, and smashed into a tree. i wasnt wearing my seatbelt *(Completely my fault)* and my face shattered the winshield, and i broke my leg. i've never ever been through something so traumatising.. being buckled down to a spine board in a neck brace, covered in blood, head taped to the board.. i was terrified.. at first all i cared about was if me and my boyfriend were going to be alright. i was sent in for CT scans, and then xrays. my boyfriend was fine, just a few bumps and bruises, and a sore hip. i had a concussion, severe abrations on the face, and a severe fracture of the leg. in the morning i met with a surgeon who told me he wanted to do my surgery on my leg immediately, but it got post poned until the next day because i had to get work done to my face, as well, but they only wanted to put me under once.

i got out of the hospital 10 days later. and my life changed drastically.. the time in the hospital, and for quite a while after, i couldn't bathe my self, or shower my self, i was being washed by a care giver.. i couldnt just get up and go as i pleased, i couldnt cook i couldnt clean. i cant go out in the sun because of the scars on my face.. i couldnt do absolutly anything, i layed in bed and felt sorry for my self. *(which i learned, is not the best way to go about a healing process)*

the more i started to feel sorry for my self, it started to turn into hate towards my boyfriend.. all i could think about was.. he did this to me.. i put my life in his hands, and he chose to risk it. I never talked to him about how i felt.. i just took it out on him in other ways.. when he wasnt at my side, i'd be a jerk to him because i expected that because i couldnt go anywhere or do anything.. he should be right there beside me.. and i never said that.. i'd just be rude. and stir up fights.. it's now been a little over a month since the accident, and i finally told him how i felt.. and how i blamed him..

with that. i decided im never going to be happy in this relationship, or treat him right, until i can stop blaming him, and start to forgive him.

i really need advise on how i should go about the forgiving process. because if i dont learn how to cope, and deal with it soon, im going to sabatoge my relationship.

thanks ahead of time for any responses.

I'm very sorry you had to go through that. I dunno nothing about car accidents, never been in one and hope it doens't happened, but that must really be very overwhelming. The good news is you're alive, many people die from them every year. It is true that he was driving more than the limit, thus speeding, but there's always that rule to wear your seat belt at all times. Seat belts do make a difference between life and death sometimes and in your case you were lucky.

As for how to start forgiving him, try remembering it wasn't done on purpose and accidents can/do happened, sometomes you can't prevent them. It will take time as you're now starting to heal both physically and emotionally.

You could probably benefit from some short-term, goal-oriented counseling to help you deal with this traumatic event. Is there someone like a pastor you can talk to? Are you a student? If so, your school might have a student counseling service. Even a crisis hotline (look in the phone book) might be able to point you to a low cost or no cost option.

It takes time to psychologically process through things when you've been involved in an accident....on top of that, you have to deal with physically healing as well. It's hard enough just to physically recover after an accident and surgery, let alone having all the mental/emotional stuff going on too. I think it would be hugely beneficial to you to go to a few counseling sessions and discuss things with a professional.

I've had a couple go-rounds with surgeries, so here's a few words of advice about physical healing -- Most docs will be very generous with the pain meds after you've had surgery....but be careful about how many you're taking and for how long. After my first surgery, I didn't know any better and took pain meds every 4 to 6 hours for an entire month...which was what my doc prescribed. After a couple weeks I was depressed and weepy and a psychological wreck --- brought on by the meds....and my doc was offering me more pain meds after that month, too. I coulda stayed on 'em for another 2 or 3 weeks and that would've made things worse.

After my second surgery, I only took pain meds for 2 weeks post-surgery and stretched out the dosage to every 6 to 8 hours. Made a world of difference in my outlook and sped up healing time (or at least felt like it did) because I was mentally in a much better place.

I don't doubt you have a lot of emotions to deal with, but I'd suggest to you that your pain medication might be a culprit in amplifying the emotions you have and making you feel worse.

I think you shouldn't be blaming your bofriend so much, yes he did crash the car which I am sure he didn't mean to... but why weren't you wearing a seat belt, especially driving in such dangerous conditions? To me that just sounds crazy...

I agree totally with PRSOV. The accident is his fault but it's your fault that you weren't wearing a seatbelt.

I think when something so traumatic like this happens we inevitably look for some kind of reason to explain it- why could this happen? It's so shocking and it doesnt make any sense because its so new and overwhelming- so of course its really necessary to analyse and ask ourselves who's to blame.

It's very difficult to avoid blame. And if we feel we're to blame we can only be angry at ourselves for so long-before we realise we dont feel any better and we look for other people and explanations. Maybe you feel angry at yourself for not wearing a seatbelt- but then after a while maybe you feel very angry at your boyfriend for making your feel so powerless and vulnerable.

Whatever happened to cause this, its ashocking event that you're probably desperately trying to make sense of in your head- you very nearly died- and thats a life changing event.

Maybe its just too early but I hope you can look ahead towards the future with this as a valuable lesson learned. It may push you away from your life and relationships from before but try not to get stuck in the past. Some things just happen sometimes- what doesnt kill you really does make you stronger. I hope you will feel better soon. Remember it will take a fair while!!

I can understand how you would blame your boyfriend (after all he was driving!), but you could have also told your boyfriend to slow down, and you really should have been wearing your seatbelt, so I'd say your both at fault.

However, that's not really the issue: no matter whose fault it is, you're still resentful. I currently work at a hospital as a nurse's aid, and I see how frustrating it is for the sick patients who can't do anything themselves, and a lot of them, who are charming people when they first arrive, get really angry and aggressive. So I'd say that part of your feelings are totally "normal" and common. Once you start regaining your full mobility and capabilities, you'll probably feel less resentful.

Has your boyfriend apologized to you? Maybe you could ask him for an apology, and for you, knowing he recognizes his part in the accident might ease some anger. Since you have time to think about these things, you could also recognize that you were very lucky, since it sounds like your injuries are all temporary, and that you will soon be able to go back to a normal lifestyle.

You could also try spending time with your boyfriend just doing regular things, and promise yourself that you will try not to think about the accident, try to be kind to him, and try to have a good time. Do something you enjoy. Spending quality time with him might help you remember why he's your boyfriend, why you're crazy about him, and that it could be worth it to put the accident behind you.

I'm really sorry this happened to you, it does sound really scary, and I hope you're able to move past. I agree with shes2smart that counseling is a good idea.

I think that you have a right to be angry at him. Seat belt or no seat belt, his reckless driving put both of your lives in danger. By getting behind the wheel, he took upon himselve the responsibility of your well-being... and he blundered.

Everybody messes up sometimes. Most everybody takes a gamble once in a while, when they know they shouldn't. He did wrong and as a result, you we're injured.

Do you think that your boyfriend is earnestly sorry for what he did? How did he react when you told him how you felt towards him?

It sounds like right now this whole event has been tearing your relationship apart. Maybe the two of you can turn that around. If your boyfriend really cares about you and is sincerely sorry for what he did, he should be there for you as you recover. If you two can remain close and get through the ordeal together, I think you'll come out on the other side with a stronger relationship than before.

You boyfriend has probably said sorry a million times, but I think that you can judge more by his actions and base your feelings towards him on that. He can't change what he did, but he can decide what to do today. If you can't forgive the man that caused the horrible accident, then try to forgive the man that is by your side as you recover.

I'm very sorry you had to go through that. I dunno nothing about car accidents, never been in one and hope it doens't happened, but that must really be very overwhelming. The good news is you're alive, many people die from them every year. It is true that he was driving more than the limit, thus speeding, but there's always that rule to wear your seat belt at all times. Seat belts do make a difference between life and death sometimes and in your case you were lucky.

As for how to start forgiving him, try remembering it wasn't done on purpose and accidents can/do happened, sometomes you can't prevent them. It will take time as you're now starting to heal both physically and emotionally.

this was my first car accident either, so i havent really known how to deal with it. i know that my injuries, probably could ahve been prevented if i was wearing my seatbelt, it's mostly the thought that i put my life in my boyfriends hands, and he chose to risk it.. is the thought that bothers me.

haha thanks for the advise, my lawyer told me if i wanted to see a counselor he would set me up with a lady who deals with traumas from i think just accidents.. and i have really been thinking about doing so.

i know what you mean about the drugs. in the hospital they were staggering morphine, gravol, t3's, and adavan. they told me i couldnt leave the hospital until i was off the morphine, so i was on it until the day before i left.. but tried to get off it too soon so my pain wasnt under control anymore.. the only drugs i was taking at home still are t3's and adavan, and my surgeon told me i wasn't aloud anymore because i went through too many pills in little time, and i was supposed to stagger them with just normal extra strength tylonal.. i still rely on gravol a lot to put me to sleep, and i pretty well think adavan is the best drug ever invented.

I think you shouldn't be blaming your bofriend so much, yes he did crash the car which I am sure he didn't mean to... but why weren't you wearing a seat belt, especially driving in such dangerous conditions? To me that just sounds crazy...

I agree totally with PRSOV. The accident is his fault but it's your fault that you weren't wearing a seatbelt.

absolutly. but once again, my problem is, that i feel like i put my life in his hands and he chose to risk it.

thank you for your post. it makes a lot of sense to me

well i have been able to be a little more mobile now. i still can't walk very far. and im on crutches until september, but i have a walker. that i sit on to cook and stuff. and because of boredome, and being frusterated im finding my own ways to do things.. yes he appologizes all the time, he took the week off work to spend in the hospital with me, and cried the entire time, and he always tells me it shoulda been him and not me.

i am lucky, but i am also scared. what if i have to get more face work done? my plastic surgeon told me in a year or so it might be something to be done.. or what if im not growing, and have to have the plate and screws removed, and uhg, im just frusterated, and scared.

the thing is.. how often should i expect him to be by my side.

as i said in the post above, yeah he has said sorry a million times. he's said he wishes it was him instead of me, he stayed in the hospital for a week after the accident, he helped bathe me when i got home, he stayed the night here every weekend. and cried a lot... but it was like as soon as i was getting a little better.. getting personality back. being bale to do some thing sfor my self, he spend less and less time with me.

I'm pleased that you are beginning to heal. I wish you a speedy recovery.

Glad to hear he's taking responsibility for the accident, you do need closure afterall. Also good that you're starting to recover.

thank you both.

i just dont know when i am crossing the line. like how much time should i expect him to be with me. i dont expect him to give up his life. but like this weekend he was gonna go camping. and i guess i get resentful. because he can go camping, and do all the summer fun stuff. and he fricken did this to me.

I can understand you feeling like that.

Who was he going camping with? I know you'd be struggling if you went but is it possible for you to go? You could get a wheelchair.

Well I had a car accident with by ex bf too. I was lucky enough since I wasn't hurt but it was a total damage on the car. And I was wearing a seat belt and little bit before the crash I told him to drive more carefully.

I never drive fast when there are other people in the car.

So it's your fault you didn't wear a seatbelt and it's his fault he didn't dlow down. Also you could have told him to slow down.

Yes he was a jerk but hopfully he learned a lesson and if he doesn't repeat that anymore try o.k. but if he still drives like crazy than you have a problem.

I can understand you feeling like that.

 

Who was he going camping with? I know you'd be struggling if you went but is it possible for you to go? You could get a wheelchair.

a "boys trip"

i can go camping, i just have to wear full sunblock on my face, and a hat that shades all my face, and i have a wheele chair.

but my problem is just that i'd pretty much sit there, even if we were all going.. and he can go out and have fun, and do this, and do that, and he doesnt take me with him. he just sits at home with me. yay? not.

but anyway i told him if he goes camping i am not sitting home alone all weekendd so i am going to calgary (cause i used to live there) and now he's saying im just going to see my ex boyfriends..

i dont think he gets taht I LOOK LIKE A FREAKING MONSTER. my face is gross, i dont want anybody to see it. uhg im so frusterated though

Well I had a car accident with by ex bf too. I was lucky enough since I wasn't hurt but it was a total damage on the car. And I was wearing a seat belt and little bit before the crash I told him to drive more carefully.

 

I never drive fast when there are other people in the car.

 

So it's your fault you didn't wear a seatbelt and it's his fault he didn't dlow down. Also you could have told him to slow down.

 

Yes he was a jerk but hopfully he learned a lesson and if he doesn't repeat that anymore try o.k. but if he still drives like crazy than you have a problem.

i never really knew how fast he was going, or paid attention to the speed limit, i dont usually stare at the speedometer, when im driving with people. and it didnt look or feel like we were going very fast.

I didn't mean to say that it is your fault. Sorry if it sounded that way. I was at work and in hurry while I was typing that message.

No need to tell someone who's thinking logically to slow down in a place where is obvious you should go slow. Are you a driver? Because I am a driver and you just sense when someone is driving too fast. I get easily scared by fast driving (unless I drive and if I am by myself), rollercosters and so on.... So maybe our levels of reaction are different. Like our reactions to andrenalin stuff.

Well now when I red this thing how he's going camping I really felt bad for you. It is not nice to be at home with injuries like yours while he is camping. I would feel the same.

After the car accident I had while my ex bf was driving I was reall mad at him. Not in a way openly mad but it somehow detoriated him in my eyes. We were jounger (so part of it goes to his driving experience).

Today when I am older I can tell that if a guy would drive me as a bag of potatos that I would feel he's immature.

How old is your bf and how old are you?

I guess this will not be nice to say but if you just can't forgive him and if you feel that you would feel better if he was out of the picture for a while don't torture yourself and force yourself to forgive him.

I am 17. and my boyfriend is a lot older than me, he is 25.. and i don't drive so i guess i didnt notice that he was speeding and such

That makes a lot of sense. Yes, you couldn't notice that easily. You are less affraid when you don't know how to drive and it is way harder to spot mistakes in someone elses driving style.

Does your bf gives you enough attention except that camping incident?