catfeeder

Yay, Kim! Thanks for the update, and glad to hear that you're both enjoying one another.

And how does he respond when you raise this issue with him? Even the most successful couples fight sometimes. I wonder if you don't share the kind of intimacy that could rock-the-boat? You've been tip-toeing around this issue for a year, and you only see one another twice a week--none of this sounds very open, invested and intimate to me.

There is something seriously wrong with this guy.

It's only been 6 months, and you've already got enough drama to post about him twice. This doesn't sound like a great match for you, OP. It's not adding loving generosity of spirit to your life, just the opposite. Speaking for myself, I'd consider the guy to be too much stress for me on top of an already stressful life. I'd dump him, heal, and go find someone who brings me joy, not tears.

On a first date, I wouldn't head straight to a venue where you can't have good conversation. I'd ask her out for a lunch or dinner first, and then if all goes well and you're a good match, you can invest in some tickets to something musical. I wouldn't pin a make-or-break date onto something with my family.

My heart goes out to you. I'd be more angry than sad, because this isn't some unfortunate circumstance that has created a barrier for you--it was deception. And it was deliberate. I'd allow anger to carry me forward with determination that I can't be derailed from my quest for a good match. Set up a bunch of new quick-meets and go enjoy meeting people for coffee. It might be helpful to get clear about natural odds. Most people are NOT our match. This is true for everyone, so don't sabotage yourself mentally. The goal of dating is to screen out bad matches until you strike simpatico with the RIGHT person. A liar is not him. Consider every disappointment along the way as moving you forward toward finding your person. It only takes one.

Sorry, I just don't confuse being open minded with putting up with being lied to. He's a grown man, yet he's disingenuous enough to feign ignorance about lying being wrong. It's like a jerky kid saying, "Wul, you didn't say that I can't lie, so I did it..." That's not a man who would interested me--and it's not even about him. It's about me and my valuable time that I can't get back because I've been punked. I be less hurt than furious, but I wouldn't show that to him because he wouldn't deserve that amount of energy from me. Buh-bye.

I would fly in to stay with family, not a total stranger. Then you can just set up a first meet with him for while you're there. This way, if you determine that you're not a good match together, you can skip making another date, visit with your family and friends, and then go back to Ireland on a planned round-trip ticket. The guy already sounds a bit pushy about your time. I can only speak for myself, but that would be a turn-off for me, and I would not cater to it.

Yes, it's working, and this relates to your other thread about the questions. That 'vision of romance' thing sounds like the kind of stuff these scammers would ask. It gives them a template to morph into one's perfect fantasy.

Hi TL! I get the anxiety. It's hard to be drawn to someone's flame despite knowing you'll probably get hurt. You simply know this because he's hurt you before, and his excuse was lame and not even something that says, "I really am sorry, and I'll make it up to you." He's a guy who always has stuff going on, and he's shelved you (twice?) in favor of going in another direction. So yes, he's fun to be around, and you want to see more of him, but you also know that you're setting yourself up for anxiety. That's okay, most of us have done that. Enjoy what you can, and if it gets too much, run and hide! 🙂

Yep, unfortunately, I'd feel the same way. A foundation of trust is crucial to me. I'd never know what to believe from the guy going forward, and harboring that kind of insecurity is just not how I'd want to live.

Yep, and Nigeria isn't the only place where there are teams of people who go into an office everyday and spend their shifts romancing 'marks' online. They groom lonely folks to fall in love with them over time, and as they make plans to meet in person. Boom! Suddenly, an emergency happens and the trip is off unless the mark sends the romancer sums of money... This can go on for months or even years, with the same mark often sending more and more money to resolve the romancer's problems.

Ahh! Okay, got it. Thanks, YC. We see this in all sexes, and of course, they play to and attract the 'saviors' among us. While some people have a learned dependency, this continues to be fed by those who have a co-dependency that attempts to fix others. So what it it that you would you like to discuss about this? Is there a specific instance that we might be able to help with?

What would be the context of such a damsel, and would these be the only options to describe anyone who might help her? I, myself a woman, have been harmed while helping other women in domestic violence situations. Does this make me unhealthy, toxic or a simp? Maybe you can offer some examples of the types of scenarios you have in mind so we can comment?

I agree. What the hell, OP? Your answer to your wife's deception as a responsible citizen and family man is to threaten assault, and go attempt it? Really? Look, Dad. The future of your children and your relationship with them rides on your ability to keep your head, exercise self control, AND manage your adult self like a reasoning human being. Countless folks have advised you to seek legal advice. If you're not willing to start there to learn the realities of what you potentially face, as opposed to getting yourself thrown into prison, then how can a bunch of strangers on an Internet forum help you? Either you are smart enough to direct your intelligence toward finding a reasonable course of action that preserves your access to your own children, or you are too invested in acting like a brute to consider that. Your call.