catfeeder

This is great news! Enjoy, and see whether she’s open to even a small kiss. No need to go overboard and dump some big confession on her, just signal with a kiss that you’re interested in being more than friends.

My heart goes out to you and your parent. What is her or his level of needed care? For instance, total bed care, wheelchair bound, semi ambulatory with assistance or fully ambulatory? Are there any nursing or physical therapy services that visit the home, or are you transporting parent to therapeutic sessions? How alert is parent, and would you trust her/his judgment to allow you any self care time without them taking a risk of falling or wandering? More details about how you currently manage your time would help us to offer suggestions better suited to your needs.

Yes! And, this doesn’t make anyone ‘wrong’ or’bad’ or a villain to recognize the incompatibilities and part ways. Most people are just not our match, and those are natural odds. Would you want to spend the rest of your life feeling envious of other couples who are expressly happy and in love? Are you afraid to hold out for that?

I agree, you can keep asking, but if you don’t even love the guy enough to mention that as your number one priority for wanting this to work, then why would you even want to put your love life on hold for him for 2 years? You could move for the job and meet the love of your life. You’d be free to spend the next 2 years working at a job you love without being tethered to someone you’re not even passionate about. These are years you will never get back to relive over again. If you want to spend them tied to someone who doesn’t even meet your criteria on a spreadsheet, you can do that, but if you don’t hold the emotional love for him to balance that out, what’s the point? Do you fear that this is the only man in the whole world who could ever love you?

I'm glad you wrote that you don't care what these people think, as that is the key thing that will help you through this. The friend is not a friend, and I'm so sorry he chose this way of showing himself to be disloyal. I'd distance myself from him, and I'd treat myself to a nice pedicure. I wouldn't complicate my own pain from the loss of this friend with concerns about the foot fetish. That harms nobody.

Depressed people are each as unique as anyone else. Some like to post dark stuff or announce to the world how depressed they feel or discuss how they are handling it. Others may feel no shame about it but don't necessarily want to broadcast about it, and still others want to hide it as a private matter or might even feel ashamed of it and try to project the opposite. Sometimes that's so people don't worry about them (as was my case), and especially after a major life event such as a separation, presenting a lifestyle of normalcy can feel comforting and prevent ostracization. We can't speak for her, but most people who are active on SM put on their best face.

I would gently break up, and no, I would not attempt to be friends. That's too messy and would interfere with the natural course of progression to new relationships for each of you. I understand there's nothing wrong with the guy, and the two of you are intelligent enough to have made this work in the future but for two crucial deal breakers. First, years of long distance, and second, despite all the kindness and niceness, you never said that you truly love this man. Lots of people get along well. That's great for neighbors and friends, but it doesn't make a strong enough foundation to overcome all of your incompatibilities with this man. Go work your great career, you've earned that. Hold out for love, you deserve that.

Sounds to me like this isn’t a person who will deal with you on practical matters. She’ll use your desire to work these details as a game to force you to grovel and acquiesce before she’ll respond, and she’ll continue to toy with you about them. Skip that. Nothing is worth dealing with her anymore. You finally did the smart thing, and it makes no sense to allow belongings to be used to blackmail you into submission. I’d change my locks so the keys are useless, and I’d file a small claim for a court to get your money back instead of attempting to deal with her. I’d bet money she won’t deal with you otherwise, she’ll just turn it into a circus to humiliate you without ever complying. Don’t save small court as a last resort— just go straight there, and hopefully when she’s served, she’ll comply rather than face a judge.

Yes, I agree with what you consider to be the real motivation for tagging another with an amateur diagnosis. I’m describing the responses when someone calls them out on that. They default to, “I’m just trying to figure them out so I can help them…” rather than cop to what you’ve said. But my answer to either and any scenario is to walk away from anyone who mistreats you. That’s the most ‘helpful’ message you can send to them, and leave THEIR diagnosis to professionals. Focus instead on healing your Self.

It would be worth it to change your locks and call it a day. Consider it the cost of tuition for the most important lesson you’ve ever learned.

Whenever we ask people why they are so invested in diagnosing those who mistreat them instead of simply walking away, they say that they want to help them. But the best way to help such a person is to walk away. You can’t fix her, so don’t use her as a distraction from fixing yourself and your willingness to put up with abuse. Step one is to walk away, and only then can you be productive in figuring out why you stayed as long as you did.

The stuff is replaceable, just send her half the deposit then block her. It's taken you a year to liberate yourself--don't sabotage that for anything.

Oh, geez. I forgot about this part. OP, you don't need 'closure' from something that was never opened. The woman likely enjoyed being a pen pal until she got invested in her own real life. That's not a reflection on you.

Good. It might be helpful to consider that, generally speaking, people who are willing hold off on sex while continuing to date are often well aware that there are so many important things to invest in learning about a person beyond their body. On top of that, everyone has their own preferences, and contrary to what gets hyped by the sex industry, plenty of women prefer that men aren't large. I hope you'll go easy on yourself and enjoy getting to know this woman without psyching yourself out.

While the exercise of writing might help to clarify things in your mind and get them off your chest, I would not send such a message. Think about your intentions. Do you want to try to influence your ex in any way? If so, it's an attempt to manipulate her, and she'll see through it. If not, there's no reason to send it, because no matter how you slice it, the overall message behind your message would be, "I'm still so hung up on you that I can't manage self control, so instead of writing privately to myself, I'm sending this to try to influence you, no matter how unattractive it makes me appear." Don't do it. Understand that nobody can tell another when their grief 'should' subside, but I can tell you that healing isn't something that magically happens 'to' us. It requires our participation. Think of how you are spending your time, and if it hasn't been invested in tending to those friends and family in your life who you may have neglected in favor of this relationship, please consider reaching out to set up time with each of them. Make commitments you will not break. Whether you help a neighbor garden or clean out a garage, or you just treat someone to a drink or a meal and listen to them, it will move you out of your own way, and it will help you to 'normalize' and feel valued again. It leads to confidence as it gets you back out into the world. Our focus is everything. If you're ruminating, you're drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, and you're making your own healing more difficult. If you can invest, instead, in pursuing some interests, hobbies, time giving of yourself to other people, you are making that climb forward one step at a time. Head high, and write more if it helps.