having to get married while in love with someone else

Hi I'm 27 year old girl and I'm not from USA. I fell in love with this amazing man who is in his early 60s. We've been in love for almost three years now and nobody knows about it, not my parents or friends. We are so much in love and I believe he is my one true love. But unfortunately we can't be together due to a lot of reasons. He loves me so much he wanted to let me go so many times but I didn't want to and wanted to continue our relationship. But now we have come to this point where my parents want to see me get married and settle down. And he wants me to too! Because he says that he will never forgive himself if I don't settle down and have a proper future. He doesn't want to see me alone. Even though he loves me so much he is now willing to let me go and I also have no other option. it breaks my heart to think about leaving him I'm so worried about him thinking how he will be able to cope all this. He's in another country alone and I'm so worried about him. My friends have hooked me up with this guy and he is chatting with me on facebook and I'm in such a dilemma. I just can't think of anybody else while I'm in love with him. And now he's trying to prepare me for this transition and has gradually stopped using endearing terms and hardly says I love you. It breaks my heart so much, I know that he loves me more than anything but he's doing this for my sake. I just don't know how to handle it, How can I be with some other guy while I'm in love with somebody else? I promised him that I will find a good guy and get married but I feel that it is impossible. Please help me cope this situation. thank you.

Have you actually met him in real life?

Is it that your parents would just like you to get married or are you part of a culture where you will HAVE to get married soon?

yes we have. he moved to another country only recently

Have you actually met him in real life?

 

 

Yes we have .plenty of times. he only moved to another country only recently

Is it that your parents would just like you to get married or are you part of a culture where you will HAVE to get married soon?

 

 

 

Thanks moontiger, it is both, it is both my parents and i belong to a culture where I have to get married soon

If he moved to another country

He's gone

Let him go or move out there

You can't have both....long distance never works.

I know that he loves me more then anything

I don't think he does. If he did, he'd want to be with you. What are these circumstances that makes it so he "can't" be your life-partner?

 

Please give us more details about the relationship you've had with this man. Have you ever met him? (skip that one, I see that you have) Has this an online "relationship?" (skip this one as well)

 

Is he already married and that's why he can't be with you? Are your parents of a culture where they have to approve or arrange your marriage for you? If he can't/won't be with you then why did he start something with you only to encourage you to find someone else?

 

Something is not adding up with this guy so please elaborate on how you met and what your relationship consisted of... how long you dated before he left and any other important information that will help us to help you get the insight to get over him and be able to move on with your life without him in it.

 

Adding:

long distance never works.

 

Yes, especially when the guy on the other end is telling you to find another man. O.o

Thanks moontiger, it is both, it is both my parents and i belong to a culture where I have to get married soon

 

Thing is you are an adult. And even if the choices are hard you can make the choice to get married or not.

 

Do you have work experience and/or been to college?

It sounds as though the lover has expected this to be temporary all along.

 

You can romanticise this and make it all about this guy's big selfless act and rip yourself up about that, or you can be as pragmatic as he is--he won't have trouble finding another lover who he can seduce into believing that he loves her as much as he convinced you that he loves you.

 

So start looking out for yourself and allow yourself to be dis-illusioned. Don't rush into trying to find a husband, or you'll make yourself miserable and you'll sentence yourself to that misery for life.

 

Get over this guy first--and the best way to do that is to ditch the pedestal you've placed him on and stop all contact with him. He had fun with you while it lasted, but you fell for the romance stuff and are using it to harm yourself. That's not about him, it about you.

 

Don't accept a new guy until you feel healthy enough, and don't commit to anyone you don't love. If that means suffering some pressure from your family, be gracious with them and let them know that you'll be happy to tell them you're ready when you ARE ready.

 

Head high.

I imagine he is willing to let you go because he is 35 years older and knows you have your life ahead of you while he has lived more than half of his. I know it's hard to say goodbye, but in his love there is wisdom. Trust that.

You put yourself in a bit of a bind by hiding this relationship. Rule Number One: if you feel you have to hide somebody, there's a problem. Had you put it in the open early, the relationship would have either evolved to some future together or you could have broken up sooner. And with the support of your friends.

 

Now you are going through a break up, and your heart is broken, but you feel like you can not turn to your family and friends. You wasted several years on a man in which there was no future with - and he even told you this along the way. And that's really difficult. Feeling like you have to hide yourself from those closest to you, and play along with a charade of finding a husband.

 

Are your family absolutely unreasonable? If you are frightened and there are serious repercussions to not going along with what they have decided for you, and being a certain way, then realize that this puts you in a vulnerable position. Going along with them and lying further won't change that. And a man is not an escape for it.

 

I'm sorry you have so little support in making up your own mind and making your own choices. Your language seems to reflect it too; like you feel at the mercy of other people and fate and 'have to' do this or that, almost like you have no volition of your own. But you do.

 

best of luck.