Met with ex-wife last night...

My story is here:

To sum it up, our divorce was final in June - we had been physically separated since March of this year. We have one daughter together and I didn't want the divorce. While there were a multitude of reasons (on her end) why she wanted the divorce, the main one was that I was verbally abusive and overall a judgmental and non-positive person.

Shortly after I moved out we would text back and forth about anything and nothing. I honestly feel like she truly didn't want to get divorced, but that she felt like she had no other option. Most of our communication stopped shortly after the divorce was final. I was bitter about it and would blame her for the actually going through with the divorce and we decided to just communicate if it were related to our daughter. I have her basically 50/50 - which is great.

I still love my ex-wife and as I said I didn't want this to happen. So fast forward to a couple nights ago, I sent her a text asking if I could have our daughter on a Saturday that wasn't my time because my niece is having a birthday party and wanted our daughter to go. We worked that out and then the conversations just started flowing back and forth and she was saying things and asked me to tell her something and I asked what she'd like to hear and she says this:

"Well, I'd like to hear that I want to take care of you. I want to make you feel special, like you matter, like you're important. I want to listen to your stupid, crazy stories and I promise I'll be patient and hold you when you're upset. I want to love and respect you forever."

When I heard that, it truly made me think there is still a shot at this and the rest of our texts back and forth were about those types of things. Then we agreed that she would come over last night early and we would eat dinner (I have my daughter there as well) and we would talk about what our convos were from the previous night. While the evening went well, she stayed for a couple hours, I had brought up things I had been disappointed in with her doing since we had divorced and we didn't argue, but I could tell it bothered her. So when she left I told her I missed her and she replies saying she thinks I just miss the idea of our family. I said her attitude via text tonight was different than the previous night and she said "I didn't feel close to you, I felt like I needed to protect myself emotionally." "The negativity and judgment is a trigger for me." She says those things and also that it's my general state of being unfortunately. It went on from there, we ended the text convo ok, but now I feel lost again - lost in the sense that I had hope we could possibly try to work things out. I know we still care for and love each other, I see it in her and feel it from her.

I didn't want to rekindle all of this stuff, well maybe I did - but I had been focusing myself on trying to move on, but we will always be tied together via our daughter and my ex was the love of my life. She's generally right about me, I'm mostly a negative, pessimist type of person. I've been going to therapy to help with all of this, but I'm not sure I could ever change who I am as a person.

Thoughts or suggestions?

If you and she ever decide to try again, you should get some couples counselling and really get it all out there and find out what each side has to say, in detail, and if it looks like you could resolve at least most of your issues. One decent visit does not a relationship make.

She told you what she need to heave from you.....that you would be there for her, support her, etc.

And you spend the next conversation telling her what she has done since leaving you that upset you.

Right back to Mr Negative and you wonder why she shut down.

Would you consider therapy, because changing this ingrained mindset will be difficult in therapy, but likely impossible on your own.

She wanted the divorce...anything short of "I want to try again I made a horrible mistake" is just mind games ...maybe she misses the idea of the family too, who doesn't on these boards? I think you gave her an emotional band aid to help her transition and it left you feeling miserable. Sucks I know, been there.

And you spend the next conversation telling her what she has done since leaving you that upset you.

Right back to Mr Negative and you wonder why she shut down

I didn't catch that the first time..great point ...

She told you what she need to heave from you.....that you would be there for her, support her, etc.

 

And you spend the next conversation telling her what she has done since leaving you that upset you.

Right back to Mr Negative and you wonder why she shut down.

 

Would you consider therapy, because changing this ingrained mindset will be difficult in therapy, but likely impossible on your own.

I am in therapy and it has helped and I'm not as negative, but it's still there. I do not understand how I am supposed to convey my concerns with her if everything is "negative". It's not my intention for her to shut down during these conversations. I'm open to suggestions on how...

Leave your ex where she belongs, in the past.

Meanwhile, work on yourself and try to become the best person you can be.

Is she positive she did the right thing? Probably not. Does she want to try again? Not right now that is for sure.

She used you to feel better and you got your hopes up.

Jumping the gun on these things stops them in their tracks faster than anything you can do. Talk to your therapist about what transpired and how you went negative. You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you can consider trying again.

basically the best way to get her back is to show he you are different, not tell her. You did a poor job of showing her don't you think?

Tell your therapist you want some homework you can do, exercises you can do when you feel like you are falling down into that negative trap again so you can catch yourself early. Therapy is good but you have to practice, practice, practice if you ever hope to change. That is if you do want to change for yourself.

Keep the convos light and funny for now and if she starts talking about deeper stuff hit it and quit it so they don't get so deep you fall back to your old ways. Trying to run before you can walk is not a good idea.

Try and kill the hope you have and work on yourself for yourself so you can be the best dad ever! The other stuff will either find its way or not.

Lost

Thank-you. I agree with everything you've said. I did do a poor job of showing her. I've got a lot of work to do that's for sure. Grieving this divorce has been worse than grieving a death.

I don't see how you saying "you did this, it bothered me" is you being a "negative, pessimistic person". If my boyfriend could so easily admit that to me, that'd be awesome, instead of holding it in until it explodes out. I get the feeling that throughout the relationship, if you said you're upset about this or that, she responded with "you're so negative and judge mental."

Are you sure that you really are that way?? And it's not just her making you feel that way?

I don't see how you saying "you did this, it bothered me" is you being a "negative, pessimistic person". If my boyfriend could so easily admit that to me, that'd be awesome, instead of holding it in until it explodes out. I get the feeling that throughout the relationship, if you said you're upset about this or that, she responded with "you're so negative and judge mental."

 

Are you sure that you really are that way?? And it's not just her making you feel that way?

I'm pretty sure I am that way. I have notoriously been a glass half empty kind of person among other things. I think also that my tone or sometimes I come off as abrasive/blaming is what she is referring to mostly other than the topic itself. I've worked so hard on myself the last 2 years of our marriage - mostly trying to be calm and to validate her feelings, but in the end it was too late. I feel like I had drained her "love tank" so much that any conflict that ever came up was too much for her. She broke down so easily and apparently still does and now it seems to take less since we've divorced. It's something I am still working on.

I hate to say this, but negative people suck the life force from everyone and everything around them. Simply put, it's draining to deal with that on a constant basis. I congratulate you on getting help with this, that takes guts. Just keep working on you and maybe some day you guys can work it out. Even if you can't, you will emerge from all of this a far better person and a wonderful partner for your next love.

The contrast stood right out for me, too. She gave you word for word all of the loving, inspiring, supportive things you could say to bond with her, yet instead you fed her a laundry list of the ways she has disappointed you.

That confirmed for her that she made the right decision.

It's not that your complaints are not valid, it's that your timing is awful. When your lens is focused so tightly on stuff that could otherwise be negotiated at an appropriate time, you miss the larger picture, and you don't keep your bond as your priority. The myopic focus on negativity doesn't allow you to 'see' what your wife needs from you and does not allow the love you hold to flow to her. The important stuff gets snuffed out by the small stuff.

This is really sad, because what your wife was open to hearing from you is so basic, and you probably even agree with it. Yet you allow a myopic focus on incidentals to prevent you from saying it. You are the only person on this planet that can know why you are unwilling to speak from the heart to your wife while she might still be willing to hear it.

That window is likely to close soon if it hasn't already. It's a decision.

Well said^^^

Keep working on yourself, learn to be brutally honest with why you are the way you are and set out to not just want to make changes but to force yourself to change. Many times people get into habits that are bad but that doesn't mean you cannot form good habits right?

Lost

It might be a good idea to tell her you wish you'd handled things differently and that you will continue working on cognitive behaviour skills to learn to focus on the positive. I think she would feel a bit safer emotionally if you do that (and if you mean it). Also perhaps try "The Feeling Good Handbook." It breaks down the negative types of thought patterns and how they feed on one another. It was an enlightening read (not an easy one but very very good).

Dude move on these are just mind games I can't imagine how painful this is but it will only get worse the more you enable her be tough don't give in