Husband's brother tried to assault me. As a joke. Not coping with it.

Sorry if I've posted in the wrong area, I just figured here was the best place as I am feeling completely depressed, stressed and anxious.

Hi everyone, so I don't really know where to start, nor do I want to write a novel so here goes... I've been feeling a bit unmotivated and down in the dumps as of late due to not getting enough hours at work, my brother going through divorce, friends breaking up, and a few little things. It never rains, it pours, right! lol. I ended up getting invited to a hens night (My husband's sister - I was her bridesmaid) so I went along and had lots of fun, which was really needed.

Now for the backstory - Husband's brother is an alcoholic with various mental problems -depression, anxiety, bi-polar etc etc. He drinks to mask those so I am told. He is living at the MIL's house because he has nowhere else to go. For years he has been a sleaze, trying to grab my butt and boobs. I always get angry, he laughs and thinks it's a big joke. He does it to quite a few girls, SIL's friends etc. He has been sober for a while, and the condition of him living at MIL's house is that NO alcohol is to be consumed. She hates alcohol and I mean HATES.

Ok. (Sorry for jumping all over the place!) So after Hens night we are to stay at MIL's place and go home come the morning. We get home from the club and find brother there, and he has been drinking. (he unwrapped a bottle of alcohol that was wrapped up, meant as a gift for someone) He is under control and MIL stays up all night to make sure we are safe. I am too uncomfortable to fall asleep with him under the same roof so I curl up on the couch in the family room with the lights on, and am watching whatever is on TV at 4am till I am right to drive again. I am wearing long pants, a PJ top and am also covered by a blanket pulled up to my chin. Not asking for it!

So I drift off in front of the telly and wake up to him on top of me, blanket is down and his face is inches from mine.

I freak out, shove him off and kick him in the ribs. He laughs and jumps back on and again I fight him off, kicking him again, winding him. He gets annoyed and proceeds to drop his pants, exposing himself to me. At this point I've already started yelling and woken the entire house up, he gets dragged out, and I get in my car an hour later, and drive the 2 hours home. Same night withing minutes of doing that to me, he grabbed SIL's friends boobs.

So for a week or so, I'm fine, and suddenly out of the blue I have a nightmare about brother, wake up in tears, and now I'm having problems sleeping. Lots of nightmares, having trouble falling asleep, staying asleep. Always wake up with a headache. Crying at the drop of a hat, shaking, stressed and have had constant headaches for 2 weeks straight. Cannot function.

Brother has been spoken to, doesn't think he did anything wrong, that he was only being playful and joking. I have taken it the wrong way etc. We have a family function coming up (sister's 40th) and I'm absolutely sweating bullets about going. I don't think I can go. Spoke to hubby today about it and ended up in tears just mentioning brothers' name. I feel like the family are defending him as he has all this mental stuff wrong with him. If he has depression am I supposed to let him touch me??? Am I supposed to keep quiet so I don't 'set him off' into a downward spiral!?!?

He is playing the victim like always... I am at a loss and don't feel comfortable being near him. Husband is furious at him and has been incredibly supportive of me...

Where do I go from here? Feeling completely lost.

Don't go to that function or any other where he will also be attending. If the rest of the family want to enable his debauchery, alcoholism and mental dysfunction then that's on them but you and your husband should put an end to any said enabling and starting by not going where he'll be is a good start. Frankly, he should be banished from attending so that you two would be comfortable in going.

If you feel that talking to a professional about your stress and that you're unable to get the image out of your mind then do that so that you'll learn to be able to relax again.

Glad husband is supportive of you.

This is not a joke of any sort and your reaction is normal, reasonable, and similar to the reactions of others who have been assaulted. And if I weren't normal, your reaction is legitimate no matter what.

You were assaulted. This is not a joke. This is not funny

This is intolerable.

The family is enabling, obviously. Indulging his transgressions has become a family habit. Inappropriate touching for all this time? Intolerable.

Maybe there are explanations, but there are explanatory you too.

Maybe you should develop an intolerable self preservation problem that can't be helped and persecute this man to the extent of the law.

I'm sorry. You have been assaulted. If you never are in their company again, any of them, that's alright by me. I am not sure how your H will be able to tolerate his family either.

A help line/crisis center/non profit may be able to offer a useful ear to talk to during this time. I suggest calling all of the ones that seem relevant, telling your story, as many times as you feel like it.

Thanks so much for the quick reply @ThatwasThen. The thing that bothers me is that Sister who is having her 40th is a lovely lady and we get along great. I feel like I am penalizing her by not going to her birthday, and making the family choose between Brother and Hubby & I.

On one side of the coin I want to be as far away from brother as possible, until the day he is well and truly rehabilitated (and maybe not even then) yet on the other side of the coin I don't want to cause yet another family drama by not going to things if brother will be there. I also don't want to trigger brother into another bout of depression (he has attempted suicide before)

Everyone (myself included) walks on eggshells around him and MIL also. MIL who is a genuine lovely person but has severe depression also and sadly is a widow as of 7 years ago. She has not had a chance to properly grieve as brother has been in and out of hospital since Father's passing with various bouts of drug and alcohol use, suicide attempts etc. She fears kicking him out for good or not including him him in family events may trigger him.

I would feel responsible if this happened because of mine and Hubby's absence, and feel bad for those family members who have done nothing wrong for us to not rock up to their BBQ's, birthday parties etc...

@IthinkIcan Thank you so much for your kind words. I have tears...

I feel so incredibly guilty, I know nothing happened, I wasn't raped or anything but I just feel so bloody violated. I was asleep at the time! I later found out he joked about climbing on me earlier that week when he was sober, so I fear it was per-meditated. He thought he was being hilarious, and doesn't seem to think it was anything malicious or bad in any way.

I feel so guilty, I get along with his family very well so it is a shame I feel like I have to distance myself from them if brother is going to be there. Absolutely gutted.

I feel sick around him. SIL got married the following week and I avoided brother like the plague but it was very awkward.

MIL tried to make excuses for him, but I think she just has so much on her plate she just doesn't want to hear it, and I understand after all she has been through. It's just not fair

Don't go to that function or any other where he will also be attending. If the rest of the family want to enable his debauchery, alcoholism and mental dysfunction then that's on them but you and your husband should put an end to any said enabling and starting by not going where he'll be is a good start. Frankly, he should be banished from attending so that you two would be comfortable in going.

 

If you feel that talking to a professional about your stress and that you're unable to get the image out of your mind then do that so that you'll learn to be able to relax again.

Great advice!!!!

First off I'm sorry you were assaulted; because you were assaulted. He may not of raped you, but does it actually have to go that far before someone raises an eyebrow? He violated your personal space, he exposed himself to you, he restrained you, he definitely did a heap of wrong. You would have a strong case to press charges, if you so choose.

It is wonderful that his family is trying to be supportive of his mental issues, but they need to realize that he is mentally unbalanced and not just say it. Mentally unbalanced people are not predictable or reliable. They cannot honestly say with 100% certainty that you will be safe in his presence, so they cannot hold you at fault in any way for not wanting to put yourself in a situation where he could act out again. Next time things could escalate further, god forbid. I think the best thing you could do is reach out to this sister in law and wish her a happy birthday personally, send her a card, whatever, just make it clear that you wish her a great day and that you cannot be there unfortunately. Just leave it at that, she probably knows why you can't be there.

After that, make yourself a priority, I think your husband will back you 100% on this. You are not saying that they need to choose between him and you and the husband, you are simply saying you are not going to be in that situation ever again. This is not about them, this is about you. You need to make sure you are safe and comfortable, and the best way to do that is to keep away from this guy. He has demonstrated on more than one occasion that he considers you a target and he has no qualms about crossing that line with you.

It boggles my mind that they are making excuses for him though. Do they really think that sort of behaviour is acceptable? He is going to wind up getting very hurt or in jail if he keeps this up, some women's husbands don't appreciate their women getting felt up, sometimes they get quite violent. He is going to do something one day that he can't laugh off, and the family will not be able to shelter him from the consequences. They are not doing him any favours by excusing this behaviour for him.

Let's see how well he plays victim and thinks it's a game when the police are contacted. You have every right to contact authority. I definitely would if I were in your situation.

That's disgusting. By keeping him included in the family, they are enabling him to keep doing these things. I don't know any mental illness that causes people to grab other people's private parts. Whatever issues he has are just an excuse to allow him to behave in this way. And get away with it.

Don't go to the function. Allow yourself to say no to things that make you feel uncomfortable.

If it had been just you and him in that house, and nobody else, who knows what else might have happened. You're of course really affected by this because it makes you worry about your safety. And your intimate space was violated.

You are definitely not supposed to accept or condone his behaviour and you're right to want to avoid him.

If you feel things don't feel better and that the support here on ENA and your social network doesn't help enough to find your balance, perhaps you should talk with someone. Not necessarily long term therapy, but at least a few sessions to see how they go.

Let's see how well he plays victim and thinks it's a game when the police are contacted. You have every right to contact authority. I definitely would if I were in your situation.

Of course you have every right to do this, but I'm not sure in this case I would. It is pretty clear on whose side most of the family is going to side with, and it put everyone including you and your husband in a much more difficult situation. You might get a judgement against him, I'm not sure, but I doubt it is going to seem to you that it will be reflective of what he did.

Let's see how well he plays victim and thinks it's a game when the police are contacted. You have every right to contact authority. I definitely would if I were in your situation.

this was exactly what I thought as well ....he is an unstable pervert and needs to be put on a section to dry out , to assess his MH and to sort medication out ..

if this had been some random woman in a bar he would now be getting charged for sexual offences and here in theuk that never leaves your record ..you are having to deal with it differently because it's family and feel obligated and guilt ridden ... you my darling have been assaulted and exposed to ...

one of these days it will go to far for some poor woman and then the family wont be treading on egg shells , they will be visiting him in prison !! All the family are doing is enabling a very ill man ...Bi polar and addcition goes hand in hand ..many bi polars use some kind of substance ..its not an excuse its just a fact ..unless they get help it just gets worse ..when they are sexual they are SEXUAL ..aggresive , violent , off the wall with a euphoria that is dangerous ...

Don't go to the function ..why should you put yourself through that ..explain to the sister , she will understand .

Thank you all so much for your replies, you are all angels

Hubby called up SIL today (Who's birthday party it is) and she was devastated for me, as she did not realize how serious it was. Brother has been telling people that we were posing for a photo together which was NOT the case, as I was asleep and he was on top of me when I woke...

SIL also informed us that he did not grab SIL's friend's boobs that night, he actually put his hand up her skirt which is probably even worse. SIL is going to speak to MIL tomorrow and fill her in on the facts. SIL is being incredibly supportive and has said she would rather Hubby and I are there, than brother. He is the sort of person who would take other guest's drinks and help himself. Just this weekend at a family holiday he stole SIL's pain pills (she is due for surgery soon due to a painful problem) and helped himself to them without a thought for her. She had to call her doctor in the city and get him to fax her a new script to the holiday resort they were staying in...

SIL said he is becoming a real thorn in their side.

Yes to those that have said what may have happened if him and I had of been alone that night, or if I wasn't as fit and strong as I am to fight him off... Just the thought makes me feel sick, that is one of the things I have been having nightmares about. Thank god it didn't go that far.

I had a brother in law who was schizophrenic and would periodically go off the rails because he liked to do recreational drugs in addition to his psychiatric meds, and they would mess him up and trigger episodes. And his family would frequently go into denial when this started up because they hated the idea of putting him back into the hospital for yet another stint there because he of course preferred to be out where he could have his recreational drugs, and they hated the upheaval and drama of getting him committed.

But when i saw him go into an episode and saw how disordered his thinking was and how potentially dangerous he was, i just point blank told them they could go into denial if they wanted, but i was not going to stick around while this guy went totally nutso and potentially violent. So i refused to be around him if he showed even the least bit of disordered thinking, or was doing any kinds of drinking or drugs. I just instantly leave and make no apologies for it either. You don't have to apologize for protecting yourself, and you don't have to collude with his family while they go into denial and let him run amok either. And put them all on notice that the second you see him behaving oddly or drinking, you're out the door in order to protect yourself and you don't care if they think it is rude because it is necessary after what you endured from him and won't give him the opportunity to repeat.

Sometimes it takes one person in the family to really stand up and say, this is absolutely unacceptable and we can't tolerate it and if it means he gets committed or needs to go into a program or gets booted from MIL's house if he continues this behavior, then so be it. It will help give everyone courage to deal with him rather than enable him.

That was ABSOLUTELY AND TOTALLY ASSAULT!!!! It's okay and normal, to be having flash backs about it while you process what happened. If they do not ease off with time you might be getting into PTSD and a trip to a mental health professional (or several if the first is not a good fit) may be in order.

I'm glad SIL has been filled in on the full picture, now you don't have to worry about hurting her feelings. You're options for her 40th (and for any scenario like this really) are don't go cos dangerous BIL and invite SIL out for a birthday lunch or dinner or something, your treat. You don't have to see dangerous person again, and SIL doesn't feel like you're shunning her because you are following up your "I can't make it" with an invitation to do something else. Even if she doesn't have time to do that something else, you've done the inviting and that is the important part.

Also, if he needs to, I think husband should be allowed to attend some family events for maintaining family connections without that being a betrayal to you (it's fantastic he has your back ) but absolutely, reiterating, you don't ever have to see BIL again, Ever! If anyone says "but we miss yoooooou" invite them out to coffee/brunch/lunch/movie/trip to the museum/literally anything you'd like to do with them as long as there is no BIL involved.

One more thought. Some have mentioned you could press charges, and that unchecked this man is a danger to others around him. I just want to say, even if he is a danger. Even if you pressing charges could save another woman down the track, that's too massive a burden to put on your shoulders and it is not your job to bring him to justice, you don't need to do that if you haven't the spoons or it will make massive family rifts. If you are comfortable simply never seeing him again, it's ok to leave it at that.

Of course you have every right to do this, but I'm not sure in this case I would. It is pretty clear on whose side most of the family is going to side with, and it put everyone including you and your husband in a much more difficult situation. You might get a judgement against him, I'm not sure, but I doubt it is going to seem to you that it will be reflective of what he did.

I didn't say that it would be easy. These situations suck to be in. However it sends a clear message that his behavior is intolerable to the family that is enabling him. Did you know that most RAPES and SEXUAL ASSAULTS culprits are actually someone in a family or personally knows the victim? It's why many rape cases are not reported sooner because the victim feels embarrased or believes he/she will be permanently ostricized by the rest of the family for squealing to the police. This man is a classical sex offender. He knows there is NO consequence because he thinks someone in the family won't squeal to the police. It's interesting that he isn't going up to random strangers and "expose" himself or grope a stranger- instead he is targeting people in his family or family member's friends. The OP did say that he "plays victim" to deflect any inappropriate behavior he does, further proving he thinks he can get away with it. Already there is a divide in the family when the OP feels she cannot attend family events with her husband because she fears for her own personal safety around a person who is a legitimate sex offender. Something has to be done here- she can't just hide from her inlaws as the solution or this problem will never go away.

OP, Please, if you wish, keep up with us and tell us how you are doing. My bf and I were heartbroken by your posts, and we want you to know how much this is not your fault. None of it. You've nothing about which to feel guilty, not division in the family, not skipping the party, none of it. Speak the whole truth, do not protect BIL or anyone else. The truth must be known and I am.glad you have been so up front with your SIL.

Nobody means harm, but by letting his behavior govern everyone else's rights and self governance, harm is being done and not just to you. Perhaps to him too, by failing to protect him from himself.

This is not a time to judge others, nor lay blame. The facts are plain: you were nearly raped, were certainly assaulted, others were assaulted too but to a lesser degree, and you will no longer make yourself vulnerable to that sort of behavior. Not ever, for anyone, or for any reason.

In no scenario, ever, is it okay to disrespect oneself in service to someone else. This is exactly what MIL demands of herself and all of her guests. I'd not be a part of it.

I admit I am angry on your behalf, and that isn't helpful. Also, I am pained because you want so much to accommodate everyone else.

You accommodate them by offering your grace and understanding by not judging MILs decisions about BIL. So long as her decision is to keep BIL in her company, you will maintain your distance.

It is awful that she puts everyone at risk because she is afraid to address his needs directly. I am deeply sorry that this happened.to.you. At the same time, i hear beautiful strength in your words. That's quite something.

Then if you won't exercise good personal boundaries and you feel you need to enable him to be who he is then it is up to you to get the therapy you need to learn how to be able to cope while you enable. It's really that simple. Either you stop it or you continue on in it and learn to be able to accept it for what it is, which is: Family dysfunction and codependent enabling. He's not going to change and you aren't willing to rock any boats.

Good luck in getting the strength to change how you cope.

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to thank you all so much for being so wonderful and supportive. I don't have many people I can turn to because it is such a delicate subject, and I am feeling quite ashamed and embarrassed that it happened.

The latest: SIL is planning on speaking to MIL about it. I will not be attending the birthday party, and SIL is completely understanding of this. I have made it very clear to hubby that I will not be the one to drive a wedge into the middle of his family. I will not cause fights or drama, I will simply not attend events where BIL will be. I'm sure there will be plenty of time for me to catch up with them over coffee, and any of them (obviously excluding BIL) are welcome in my home, anytime. I have stressed to hubby that if he wishes to attend family gatherings, I am cool with that. I want him to have a relationship with his family. He doesn't want to go to things that BIL will be at either, as he can't guarantee that a fight won't erupt. Fair enough I guess, but there will come a time where they will have to talk about this.

I will not be pressing charges, I don't think it would be helpful to the situation, and It is too much for me at the moment (going through a stressful time with work, and a family member going through a divorce). I'm sure my absence will be enough to start putting the wheels into motion. I am very close with Hubby's family and they are devastated that I feel the need to exclude myself in fear of my own safety. I have been honest about my feelings about this whole thing from the start, so they know exactly why I won't be there, or anywhere else in the future.

I applaud your clarity. I look forward to hearing updates when appropriate.

I think that the BIL will end up in some type of institution eventually, whether it be jail or a psychiatric hospital or something else, but some type of institution. He sounds very unbalanced. It is just a matter of time. His behavior needs to be dealt with; however, instead he is being enabled and everyone is trying to ignore the elephant in the room. ...chi

you are a lovely person ....

best wishes , you have dealt with this with true honour xx

I think that the BIL will end up in some type of institution eventually, whether it be jail or a psychiatric hospital or something else, but some type of institution. He sounds very unbalanced. It is just a matter of time. His behavior needs to be dealt with; however, instead he is being enabled and everyone is trying to ignore the elephant in the room. ...chi

that's it chi , the ending righ there .

I'm glad to hear that you are taking steps to protect yourself.

Honestly, he will go so far one day that even his family won't be able to look away. Better you be away from him.