He wanted to be left alone for a while.... What does it mean?

This guy and I have been together for over 6 years. Last November, I didn't hear from him for a whole week. No texts, no emails, no phone calls. So I panicked. I nagged and nagged him for almost a week on texts, emails, and voice mails. His excuse for disappearing for a whole week was he was hunting in the mountains, no cell signal (Am I supposed to believe that?) and that he's having personal problems at home plus they're dealing with a close death in the family. He explained all this thru email after I emailed him saying I'm giving up! Then, he said "I just wanted to be left alone for a while. I miss you". I emailed him back saying I understand and respect his wishes.

It's been 11 days since the last email I sent him, no replies. I've totally applied the No Contact rules since when I was desperate, he wouldn't answer my texts, emails or phone calls. I figured if he wanted to reach out to me, he'll find a way. This is all new to me, this has never happened before.

I am very hurt, I feel like he just didn't care about all those years we've been together. All is well with us until he decided to go hunting! I mean, what happened here?

I'm very miserable. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I do work and function like a normal person, but deep inside I'm dying.

Should I break down and text/email him? I'm scared he will not even respond. Or should I just keep on applying the NC rule? But how long is "a while"?

Is he breaking up with me? How long should I leave him alone? I'm just so lost and confused here.... I appreciate any feedback on this matter.

I see it as a coward way of breaking up with you. He either lost interest and don't know how to tell you or he met anoher person.

Bottom line is, would a interested person do this? Would you ditch a guy for two weeks without notice if you liked him or wanted to be near him? His actions speak louder.

I see it as a coward way of breaking up with you. He either lost interest and don't know how to tell you or he met anoher person.

 

Bottom line is, would a interested person do this? Would you ditch a guy for two weeks without notice if you liked him or wanted to be near him? His actions speak louder.

This.

Forget wondering what is up with him. Forget telling him off, or having your say, or exacting revenge.

Focus on what you want. What you want is someone like him, presumably, but with more character, scruples and intent. That is not your guy. Find someone wgo will give you what you want.

I applaud you for going NC. Stay there. He will contact you at some point. I hope you will be clear headed enough then to stay away and continue to disinvest, to divest yourself from this man.

Your investments have paid off in unexpected ways

Find the lesson and keep going.

Many of us have been there, and the first time is shocking, appalling, hard to believe. But there it is

Accept it as Yes, that is what really happened, he just checked out as if it's nothing, and know that you don't want a man who can so that, and move on.

I see it as a coward way of breaking up with you. He either lost interest and don't know how to tell you or he met anoher person.

 

Bottom line is, would a interested person do this? Would you ditch a guy for two weeks without notice if you liked him or wanted to be near him? His actions speak louder.

Disagree with this.

KarYN, if you're being honest - would you describe yourself as a nag and somebody who overacts a lot? Specifically pertaining to your relationship. Emotional type perhaps?

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I thought about it....maybe he finally found a way to end our relationship. You nailed it, though.... It hurts. but it's probably true.

Disagree with this.

 

KarYN, if you're being honest - would you describe yourself as a nag and somebody who overacts a lot? Specifically pertaining to your relationship. Emotional type perhaps?

 

 

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Wow.

"Honey, I need a little time away, so I am taking a trip for a week, going off the grid, and I will check in when I get back. I love you."

If he doesn't love her, however she is, then he needs to take responsibility for that.

Or "Honey, I love you and I value the time we had together, and it is heartbreaking I know, but I just know in my heart we are not intended to spend our lives together. So, while I love you, I also know the right thing to do is to free ourselves to find a lifelong commitment. I don't know what else to say but that, an dI have to say something."

If he finds their relationship dynamic overwhelming sometimes, and just needs personal space, then he needs to take responsibility for that.

Going dark after 6 years is irresponsible. The dregs after that were just dregs.

My exH is the sort that gets overwhelmed living in a family situation. So he doesn't. He talks on the phone, he commutes for family visits with his new family, whatever it is he needs to do to keep the connection. He does not go dark.

I thought about it....maybe he finally found a way to end our relationship. You nailed it, though.... It hurts. but it's probably true.

Even if that wasn't his intent, I expect it now would be yours.

I am sorry for your loss. I expect it is a gain in hiding.

I would not just walk out with no explanation to you after that span of time.

It's rude at the least.

is he clinically depressed?

Where exactly is he?

You deserve a face to face discussion.

insist on one.

Not getting that?

I''d consider yourselves no longer a couple.

Do you live together?

then send his stuff to wherever he is.

No cell signal in the mountains is certainly possible.

That aside, I'd wonder why he didn't tell you he is going hunting for a week and how come after 6 years together, you didn't know what's going on with his family or that he lost someone. Either your relationship is very arms length or he has been disengaging from you for some time already. I don't know. I just can't wrap my mind around being in a relationship with someone so long and not sharing where the other is going or what's happening in their life like that.

I get it, we all need time for ourselves sometimes.

But the difference between a guy who loves you and one who doesn't is how he approaches the situation. A guy who loved you would have talked to you first, explained that he needed to go in his "cave" for x amount of time, and that it had nothing to do with the relationship. A guy who didn't love you would have done what your guy did - disappear, ignore all your attempts to contact him, and then give you a silly explanation and expect you to still be there for him.

I would think that he met someone else, wanted to give her a trial run (while not breaking it off with you, the already established, tried and trusted girlfriend a.k.a. safety net), and when that went south, he came back to you.

After 6 years, you should expect better from the guy you're in a relationship with.

What you do...is leave him be. If he wanted to make it up to you, he would have. His silence tells you everything you need to know. Why run after such a jerk? If you do, best case scenario is that he will keep ignoring you. Worst case scenario he will "come back" and treat you miserably, take you for granted and leave you again high and dry whenever the mood strikes. None of these options is good, obviously. Don't reward bad behaviour, because you'll only end up having to suffer through more of it!

Do yourself a world of favor and see that this is not a relationship worth saving. It's been 6 years for goodness' sake, not 6 weeks! After 6 years things should have been way different. Yes it's hard, but you'll bounce back. Better suffer now for as long as it takes, than set yourself up for even more suffering that may last for years!

I disagreed because Twidom has made a pretty big assumption without really knowing any facts. It's guess work.

However I do agree that forever reason, her bf/ex bf isn't happy and has (like you said) gone dark and is not being honest. I'm simply trying to get more info on the OP's general character rather than slander the guy and assume he's found another girl

I disagreed because Twidom has made a pretty big assumption without really knowing any facts. It's guess work.

 

However I do agree that forever reason, her bf/ex bf isn't happy and has (like you said) gone dark and is not being honest. I'm simply trying to get more info on the OP's general character rather than slander the guy and assume he's found another girl

OK but it is not related to her personality. She doesn't make his choices for him, and thinking its related to her personality just leads to speculation of a different kind.

She doesn't need to speculate. She knows what she has, and what she doesn't, and it isn't enough. The rest is noise.

Disagree with this.

 

KarYN, if you're being honest - would you describe yourself as a nag and somebody who overacts a lot? Specifically pertaining to your relationship. Emotional type perhaps?

 

 

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If you think she's overreacting when her boyfriend of SIX YEARS dissapears without a saying for a WEEK then I guess you're a laid off partner. You don't just disappear without saying at least a "I'm going off for a week".

You want to be left alone? You don't just vanish. You're an adult. TELL PEOPLE. Tell your partner of SIX YEARS for christ's sake. And it's been 11 days since her last e-mail. She's not overreacting.

This was not the first red flag.

We don't know the nature of the RL, but now the OP has an opportunity to evaluate and ask herself why she accepted it for this long, ignored red flags, felt they were closer than he did, whatever the case may be. His behavior doesn't come out of the blue.

That can be a different thread, I suppose, but for this purpose, we know what we need to know. She needs to go NC, no explanation, soul search and heal, find a way to have faith in herself and keep going, proud that she has been learning every step of the way. That is all we can do.

Disagree with this.

 

KarYN, if you're being honest - would you describe yourself as a nag and somebody who overacts a lot? Specifically pertaining to your relationship. Emotional type perhaps?

 

 

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seems almost like troll bait, not sure if Twidom being a "nag" has anything to do with it?

At this point in time, with a BF disappearing on her, I bet she'll agree to a bunch of things that "might be wrong with her" since she's confused, shocked, and looking for answers.

Would you both agree that there's more than one side to her story? 6 years worth of relationship is a lot of time and there's no real reference to anything other than the Harry Houdini week, the email and the 11 days NC. Combine this with the fact that that the OP seems to accept it's over so quickly, doesn't really correlate to a simple "He's just gone cold"

Maybe they were having a rough patch, maybe this is how her ex acts in tough/confrontational situations. Perhaps the question I should have asked is: Is there anything that you have done that could have possibly make this dude go incognito?

Would you both agree that there's more than one side to her story? 6 years worth of relationship is a lot of time and there's no real reference to anything other than the Harry Houdini week, the email and the 11 days NC. Combine this with the fact that that the OP seems to accept it's over so quickly, doesn't really correlate to a simple "He's just gone cold"

 

Maybe they were having a rough patch, maybe this is how her ex acts in tough/confrontational situations. Perhaps the question I should have asked is: Is there anything that you have done that could have possibly make this dude go incognito?

Fair enough! Better wording, I suppose some background could give us a better overall picture.

I suppose if I am 6 years deep, everything is great, SO goes MIA, sends an e-mail...it'd still be hunting for answers until I knew for sure what the hell is going on.

seems almost like troll bait, not sure if Twidom being a "nag" has anything to do with it?

 

 

 

At this point in time, with a BF disappearing on her, I bet she'll agree to a bunch of things that "might be wrong with her" since she's confused, shocked, and looking for answers.

Not sure if this is a typo but I only mentioned not agreeing with Twidom...the "nag" was referencing the OP's words

I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but if you love someone, you don't just disappear for a week, give a half-assed answer as "Oh I was hunting and now I want to be alone" and then vanish for another 11 days.

From personal experience and others around ENA I can say that something IS going on. It may not be another girl, but the guy is getting cold for sure. Death in family yeah that could be it, but what's his girlfriend's fault? Zero. She does not deserve what he is doing to her. He's a freakin' adult. If he can go hunting, he can very well tell her what is going on.

I see it as a coward's way of breaking up. Could I be wrong? God, please. But from what OP told us, things are looking bad.

Sorry I meant Karyn the OP!

Yes I agree, it's probably the worst case scenario. I hope for her sake he has some kind of magical explanation...but regardless, you don't put a loved one into the position she is in now.

I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but if you love someone, you don't just disappear for a week, give a half-assed answer as "Oh I was hunting and now I want to be alone" and then vanish for another 11 days.

 

From personal experience and others around ENA I can say that something IS going on. It may not be another girl, but the guy is getting cold for sure. Death in family yeah that could be it, but what's his girlfriend's fault? Zero. She does not deserve what he is doing to her. He's a freakin' adult. If he can go hunting, he can very well tell her what is going on.

 

I see it as a coward's way of breaking up. Could I be wrong? God, please. But from what OP told us, things are looking bad.

I don't think anyone is disputing that something is going on however you, me or anyone else who is not privy to the details do not know WHAT is going on. Assumptions sometimes help nobody. How do you know she doesn't deserve for him to disappear? He has no voice in this forum therefore I think it's best to reserve judgement until the OP, providing she chooses to, comes back with more info.

Thank you so much, guys for your reply. I'm starting to see it clearly, I wanted to believe that all is well with us but like I said, this is so out of his character - not talking to me for 11 days. We don't do a lot of phone calls, but we're heavy on texts and emails. I didn't really see any red flags, or may be I just refused to see them.

Was I a nag? Well, I don't think so. I know I nagged him to death the first week he did a Houdini act. I blasted his phone with hateful messages as well as his email. Things I've never done before. I've already apologized for that. I was worried, I didn't know if he was dead or what.

He said that he did text me before he went to the mountains but never heard from me. So, after 2-3 days of not hearing from him, I went crazy. After ignoring my attempts to get in touch with him, I sent him a long email saying I'm done. Yeah, probably not a good idea. It was easier said than done. So that's when he emailed me explaining what's going on with him.

Nevertheless, I'm hurt that he hasn't made any attempts to explain his disappearance. I would never treat anybody that way. I would never do this to him. Maybe it's best that this has happened. Nothing lasts forever. I just didn't see it coming cuz he seemed to always worship the ground I walk on. Lol. He always said he'd never go anywhere unless I run him off.... That I'm his only one...that he likes what we have, etc. etc. But no use reliving those days anyway.

Truth is, I know we're done. You know how you have that gut feeling that all is not well? That's how I'm feeling. I'm amazed by his lack of empathy for what I'm feeling. Yes, if he doesn't want me anymore, that was a cowardly way of getting out of the relationship. I think we could've talked about it. May be he was just waiting for the right moment to drop the ball, and bam!!!! It happened. I just hate the timing. It was the worst Thanksgiving ever. It will be a very sad Christmas, and I will be welcoming the New Year with a broken heart.

You know, sometimes you refuse to accept reality unless other people gives your their own perspective. I really appreciate your input, guys. It's hard because the reality hurts, but it's the truth. I can't keep pretending that all is well.

I'm just tired of crying - of feeling the pain. Even if he crawls out of the rock hole he's been hiding from, I don't think it will ever be the same. I'm very hurt by his actions. I don't even know if I want him back at this point. He doesn't deserve me. I shouldn't be treated this way.

So I take it this is a long distance relationship? And yes, he's being a total coward with no nards or doing the whole passive-aggressive "I don't want to look like a (expletive) so I'll just keep doing things like this until she breaks up and then I can play the wounded victim to all our friends/family/feel like I'm not the bad guy." Or he wants to keep you on the back-burner in case whatever it he is doing doesn't work out and he needs a foxhole to come back and hide in and someone to lick his wounds for him.

It still doesn't change the fact he has abandoned you, and yes call it that and think of it like that. Tell your friends and family he abandoned you and has disappeared so it is o.v.e.r.

And it's time for you to take yourself off the grid, hit the mountains yourself or rather the beach or the spa for some TLC and a makeover. To go NC, delete and block him, then move on with your life. At six years the relationship should have moved on to the point of you both being married, living together or with each other or at least geographically close enough to be a team doing things together. If it hasn't then this was just a waste of time and was always going to be.

You deserve better and if he comes crawling back after whatever it is he's doing doesn't work out for him you'd be really smart to tell him you decided to leave him alone--permanently. Then delete and block him again. Remember, you are the prize. Tell yourself that every day until you believe. You are the prize and there will be someone out there more than happy this guy was such an idiot.

To Nuby's points:

We do not have context or the man's POV. We don't need it. We are not here to judge him (or anyone). We are here to help the OP sort out her next steps. And her next steps are out of this RL.

If there had been a death, the OP could have said, ~"there was a death, I am going dark, Thank you for offering to come with me but no, I need to be with my family alone for this one." etc. He didn't. Even if he had, the RL still would be over, because facing this challenge on his own indicates that after 6 years, she still is not on his team. He does not view her as a resource.

He may be doing exactly what is right to do. Maybe she stalks him. (doesnt sound like it, but for illustration.) It doesnt matter. What we know he is ghosting, which is irresponsible to her, so it is time for her to be gone.

That is all we need to know to decide whether she should invest further.

What puzzles me is why you get so mental when he disappears. You blast his phone and email or disolve into tears.

Do you guys spend time face to face or is this long distance? This does not sound like a normal relationship for him to go off the grid so frequently. I mention that you and him have been together but rely heavily on texts, calls and emails. Does he have a regular routine of spending face to face time with you?