He wanted to be left alone for a while.... What does it mean?

[KayRN]

It is long distance..we live 3 hours apart from each other. So, we text and email

a lot.

Do we spend time face to face? Yes, we do. At least once every 2-3 weeks. We send the night or weekend together.

 

As far as marriage, well we're both not the marrying type. However, we are exclusive (until last month, maybe? ). Even though marriage is not something g we both wanted, we know it's more than sex for us. He always said he won't drive 3 hours just to get a piece of a____. He can get it from the corner of a street or something.

 

No, we dont want marriage. We were both happy and content with what we have. The point is I'm hurt that he just cut me off from his life just like that. I felt like he could at least have been honest if he's not into me anymore. I would totally respect that.

Anyway, I'm really glad I found this site. All the feedback made me realize that he probably has found somebody else. I can't believe how cowardly he handled this situation. Idc if he doesn't come back anymore. And if he does, I probably won't take him back. I'm not taking another chance with him...so inconsiderate. He can stay in the rock hole as long as he wants. Funny how from sad, depressed, and broken hearted...my feelings have turned to anger and disappointment. What a d_ck!!!

[PaintWithLight]

Wait. Once every 2-3 weeks you spend the night? That is a booty call not a relationship, right? After 6 years, things should have progressed beyond this, don't you agree?

 

The routine sounds like he keeps you at a distance, only gets you close for sex, and then when the breadcrumbs he is required to feed you become too much hassle, he disappears. Do you really think this is a relationship?

[Cadence44]

It sounds like this relationship worked for him because of the distance. KayRN, is he someone who avoids closeness and intimacy? Were you happy with your relationship as it was, or were you starting to talk about moving closer to one another? Was everything going to stay exactly the same forever and ever, with the two of you 3 hours away from one another?

 

From how you describe your behavior and his actions, it sounds like the classic link removed dynamic. An avoider might be scared of intimacy and true commitment, which is why a long distance set-up is ideal for them. They get the closeness that all humans want in small doses, and get to escape from it, too. So this guy may never have been capable of growing closer and meshing lives. You may have been looking forward to that, and he may have been fearing it, in spite of his love for you. And an anxious person freaks out over perceived abandonment, and makes things worse by clinging harder and lashing out to hurt the avoider. I'm not saying these traits mean you're bad people, just that you cope with stress in opposite ways, and if you don't understand that and give one another the benefit of the doubt, relationships can implode in the fashion that we see here.

 

While I don't think you are being treated fairly, I think there are some mitigating factors here. He said he texted you before he left for the mountains. I assume you wouldn't be with him for 6 years if he was a liar, so let's give him the benefit of the doubt. Let's say he did do that and you didn't receive it. He's off in the mountains, doing his isolation thing, which is how he copes with life stressors. He's trying to heal.

 

Then, when he returns to civilization, he sees all of your texts and your email where you are breaking up with him. This read to him as more pressure and obligation, things that cause him to run in the opposite direction. Also, he may have been hurt that you were willing to break up with him during what may have been a giant misunderstanding. If he thinks that's all it takes for you to leave him, he may be wondering if this is worth it after all. Also, if he avoids intimacy, he's not likely to share his feelings with you. He could have felt really hurt, and thus you see the continued silence and isolation.

 

What I'm describing doesn't let him off the hook. At 6 years in, he should realize that when there is stress and fear, he runs away and you cling harder and lash out. It is your respective natures, and they don't always mesh very well. But he may be feeling some depression over events in his life, which can serve as an unhealthy filter for anything else going on in his life. He may have thought "Why didn't she just say "I'm worried about you and I love you. I hope everything's okay. Why did she get angry with me instead?" With a guy like this, who avoids and isolates, when you add depression in on top of those traits, he's liable to eliminate any relationships he experiences as additional stress in his life. If his girl is freaking out, which reads to him as pressure, then she'll be the thing in his life that he cuts out to feel some relief.

 

Just some speculation here. I don't know what happened. Maybe he truly is an *ss who decided to break up with you by going dark, but I'm not willing to jump to that conclusion based on the limited information we have here. I think an anxious person such as KayRN tends to jump to those conclusions, whereas she might have different outcomes if she were willing to sit with the anxiety and uncertainty rather than use them as reasons to lash out and be destructive in her own way.

 

At the same time, if this guy is how I describe him, then KayRN needs to understand that he may have never been capable of a more committed future together. If that's something she wanted, he's showing her it may not happen with him.

[KayRN]

Cadence 44, I liked the way you analyzed our behaviors. You're right, I was clingy and anxious. And yes, he doesn't want that. The way I acted served as a red flag for him to go running the opposite way.

 

Well, I did find out what happened to all those emails we supposedly sent to each other the 3rd week of November. That was the week the Yahoo server was having problems. I didn't know about that. Actually, it's still a problem sending/receiving emails to my friends. But that's not important anymore.

 

I agree with what you said, I was overly anxious when I don't hear from him. I used that negative feeling to lash out at him, probably at a time where he doesn't need drama or me clinging to him. But it happened.

 

I'm not blaming myself or my actions anymore. I have accepted it. I have reached out to him yesterday telling him when he's at a better place that may be we can talk like adults and clear things out. Guess what? No response there.

 

I think it's easy for people to say that what we had was a booty call. Dang, that was some good booty call relationship for 6 years that he kept coming back for more!!! The distance - yes, it worked for us. We both preferred i that way. And the truth it, marriage was not part of our long-term plans. So, after 6 years, I wasn't hurt that our "booty call" relationship didn't progress to the next level.

 

What I was hurting about was the fact that he wanted to be left alone for a while. I think he should just have said he want out. But after the way I acted like a crazed psycho, who could have blamed him? He probably thought I was really unstable that he had to let me down gently. I'm very flexible. And I believe in open communication. I think that's what I'm upset about. Nothing is solved with shutting the other one out.

 

Well, what can I say? I'm over it. It still hurts but I know he's not coming back.

[Cadence44]

What I was hurting about was the fact that he wanted to be left alone for a while. I think he should just have said he want out. But after the way I acted like a crazed psycho, who could have blamed him? He probably thought I was really unstable that he had to let me down gently. I'm very flexible. And I believe in open communication. I think that's what I'm upset about. Nothing is solved with shutting the other one out.

 

You're still projecting your values onto him. His wanting to be alone to cope with life stressors is not necessarily a judgment on his feelings for you. That's part of the reason you freaked out. "If I didn't contact someone for a week, I'd be trying to get away from them so therefore he is trying to get away from me and how dare he!" You didn't do yourself any favors by assigning motivation to his actions; only he knows why he did what he did. Having an adult conversation once he returned to civilization would have been preferable.

 

Should you be in a similar situation in the future, remember that people are different, and they make different choices and do weird things and that's okay. Just try to sit with how you're feeling instead of lashing out. If you're hurt, there will be a productive time and space to talk about it. And if something does something you consider unacceptable, you can always break it off once you have all the information. Sitting with it does not take anything away from you, but it saves you from taking actions that you may regret. Sometimes the best action is no action at all.

 

And just so you know I'm not judging you, I just thought of a story from my past: I had a boyfriend who moved away for the military. I had a work event in a city nearby where he was stationed, so he drove up to see me. We had a great visit, he left because he had to work a couple of shifts on the base, but was coming back up to be with me in two days. On the day he was returning, there was silence. After some time had passed where I felt like it couldn't have been an accident, I called him and left him a nasty message. Weeks later, after I'd returned home, a friend said "What if he was in an accident or something?" ... Oh. I felt like a pretty terrible person that I just assumed that he was ditching me and had not considered the possibility that he'd incurred bodily harm. I decided to call again, it went to voicemail, I decided he was alive (surely his phone would be off by then) and I never heard from him again. But still, I lashed out before I knew what was going on, thereby possibly putting the nails in the coffin. But, also, if that's all it took for him to not speak to me again, then what we had wasn't very strong.

 

Well, what can I say? I'm over it. It still hurts but I know he's not coming back.

 

I don't think you're over it, otherwise you wouldn't be here. Don't try to rush yourself, because the only way out is through the grief.

 

And no one knows what the future holds, but it's best for you to believe it's over.