He broke my heart and wants me back

Two weeks ago I discovered that the love of my life has been texting another woman while he's been with me. Flirtatious texts saying he needs her, always wanted to hold her, calling her stunning, etc. My world turned upside down when I learned this. We were going to get married. I waited my whole life to meet someone like him and he said the same about me. He told me he never planned to leave me for the other woman. That they were just friends and his words had no sentiment behind it. I find that a ludicrous explanation. But he says now it was a mistake and he wants to marry me and always has and if I leave him he'll wait for me forever.

I am completley torn. I love him and can't imagine my life without him. But I don't think I could ever trust him again.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Does anyone have any advice?

Thank you.

Leave now. It only gets worse from here. Save some self respect and get out asap. There is life beyond him I promise. This is coming from someone who divorced for a very similar reason. She was writing love letters and having an emotional affair. In my mind they are even worse than having meaningless extra marital sex. Emotional messages and letters are much worse, he is full of it. Sex is just sex sometimes. Writing thoughts takes actual contemplation.... Don't let him push you into believing it was an accident, it wasn't. He is just too much of a coward to actually come clean and tell you the truth. All cheaters are cowards and they all try desperately to do damage control when they get caught. They will say and do anything and everything to not be fully exposed for what they are...

It wouldn't surprise me if he lied straight to your face and was actually with her at some point either. That's how far a cheater will go to keep their cover. They only admit to what they were caught doing and nothing more. Its fairly classic. Keep your eyes open and look for more clues. I will bet you anything you find more if you dig for it... Eventually months after I found letters and all the while her denying anything and everything and that she never met him and was crazy about me and it was a silly meaningless mistake.... i found out they met in a bar in secret and made out. That was it, divorce end of story. Love my life now.... thank God I got out of that.

Oh and here is the kicker! I remember when she finally had to come completely clean, she did what someone told me she would do... she actually turned on me and accused ME of cheating!!! That's how crazy and warped the cheater who gets caught mind gets. They will even make things up in order to put a proper spin on things to make themselves look better. Of course I never strayed or even remotely thought of straying lol.

I am very sorry that he did that by the way. I know it is super painful and heart wrenching. I also know that nothing inside you wants to believe what I said above. I know that you will rationalize and he will have the advantage. But the sooner you accept it and open your eyes, the sooner you will get f-all angry and move on with strength and resolve....

PM me if you ever want to pick my brain about this stuff. I am a wealth of knowledge when it comes to this sort of thing...

Keep finding it a ludicrous explanation. Because it is.

If you are the love of his life....why is he telling another woman such things?

Because she is the love of his secret life.

Therapy and as much as I don't normally advocate this, I would dig deeper and find out what else he hasn't told you about. And I would be very, very, very leery of anyone who could be so careless in stating their affections to one woman while telling their fiancee it all meant nothing. That's Cheater 101 talk right there and I just have a feeling you may want to dig a whole lot deeper into what this guy has been doing. Remember, this is just what you caught him at.

At the very least insist on a year of therapy before you'll entertain the idea of marriage again. Insist the two of you go and be totally honest and see just how long he's willing to maintain it and how willing he is to open up BEFORE you make any decisions. Sweeping this under the rug with a few words will not make it go away and in fact, it's liable to make him think he can do it again and get away with it as the more likely scenario. It's not rational to say you love someone and be off chasing someone else no matter how you cut it, yes his excuses are ludicrous. That's what you need to pay attention to, not him backpedaling since he apparently likes having two women in place or he wouldn't have done that to begin with.

I "was" that guy

In my younger years , I was married (now divorced) I did cheat I was stupid and young and rushed marriage. Every thing was peaches n cream for years. Men drift to cheat for selfish reasons. Physical or emotional are the two types. Emotionally men will seek a new love and share new feelings and express himself in ways physically cheating couldn't. It takes a lot for a guy to change and not cheat. But once that line has been crossed there is no going back. Although your May seem like it's falling apart don't give up. Karma payed me a visit in ways I never imagined. Do I regret what I did , no because my story is a long one. But knowing that mentality just helps me understand when guys cheat they never stop when they get caught. If anything your problems have just begun. Men have to want to change. It took me a while , but that life style gets old and he seems to have just indulged it. I'm sorry to say it's better to let pain hit you now for it will be worse down the road.

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I'm sorry you're going through this, but he's acting like a manipulative little brat. He's trying to cover this up by calling it a mistake, rather than a conscious choice which is the correct term. The bottom line is he's not sorry for what he did, he's sorry he got caught.

He's clearly showing you what he's made of, and it's time to bail before he drags you down with him. Please give this some serious thought, and I hope you find your way.

Thanks for your honesty but I will say that its not MEN that cheat. Trust me. Cheaters cheat. Its not gender specific.

Correct cheaters are no specific gender. I only shared my piece because I could relate to a past experience in which I was on that other end. I purely only speak for how I was during that same situation and give i think to be sound advice. Cheaters are liars and when caught will manipulate anything to make things better for them. It's exhausting and horrible lifestyle but it's not true that cheaters don't change for I have changed and proved myself to be able to commit . But that is not an transformation , like I said before a person has to want it they won't change for a relationship they may stop for a while if caught. Nevertheless they will continue even risking there relationships until they lose it all and accept it and realize what they did

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When my ex cheated on me (years ago), I spoke with the woman he was cheating with. She agreed to meet me for coffee.

If you can't imagine trusting him knowing what you do now, wait until you see the face and person who he was telling another set of lies to.

In my opinion, it's better to know the truth. It's difficult to make a good decision without it. And it's your right.

You know for sure he lies, and he goes behind your back. Whether you get more info or not, up to you.

But whatever you do, don't take him back based just on his words. You already know what those are worth.

I walked. And never went back.

Like I said, it's years later. Through many relationships on his end, he attempted to contact me and start something back up with me. So all I can say is...I'm grateful I'm not the woman he married.

It hurts to be where you are at, but imagine being there and married to the guy and/or with kids. Such a horrible life of being deceived by the person you sleep and trust in the most, every single day, it's almost incomprehensibly sad and horrific.

Aww sorry this is happening to you.

I feel, IF he was 'happy' he would not being saying stuff like that to another woman. That is totally disrespectful and yes, causing trust issue's now.

Once trust has been affected, it can be very hard to gain back.

Don't go thru with any marriage. If you choose to, you could consider couple therapy? Think on it..

Recipe for disaster. Dump him pronto. When my ex wife cheated and moved out she tried telling me I never got over an old girlfriend FROM 25 YEARS AGO lol, total BS, she was grasping for straws trying to explain her cheating ass. I never cheated in 24 years. Forget him and save yourself from any more crap. He's LYING.

I want to thank all of you for sharing your thoughts, sympathy, and advice. Chamachama I couldn't figure out how to PM you but I tried.

As it stands right now, I have pretty much made up my mind that I can't go back to him. However, I have voiced this to him several times now and he still wont accept it. He tells me that he made a mistake, that people can make mistakes, and it is something he did wrong but he wants to earn my trust again because he feels our relationship is worth too much to lose. The problem is, as afraid as I am to go back to him, he is right about how much our relationship is worth (or was...). This incident was the only thing that went wrong. We were incredibly compatible, loved being in each other's company every minute, had very similar upbringings and backgrounds, shared the same beliefs, values, and morals of life. I was forever in awe of how we were practically custom-made for each other. However I feel that I need to let it all go because because I think fidelity outweighs everything else and I don't know if I can trust he'll be faithful going forward, even though he is currently doing everything he can to assure me it will be.

He is cheating NOW. If you take him back...he knows he can BS you and you will accept it.

It wasn't a mistake. Or an accident.

It was intent, followed by action.

Yeah keep rereading what he wrote to that other gal. And you would still marry him? C'mon! You deserve better than that. He showed his true colors and got caught and better it be now before you're married and with kids.

My wife ... Pardon me MY SOON TO BE EX-WIFE .... Were sorry and promissed she would never cheat on me ..... 4 times .

And 4 times that i found out ( i have some other doubts.. She swears she went to have a meal with different men nothing else... Like if going out for a meal is nothing )

She cover all her traces and when caught it was my fault ... I entered in her privacy ...

I had to find out and dig the 4 times ... She never admit it until she had no choice

YOU KNOW WHAT ? It was my fault to get back with a serial cheater....

Im in a very good position to tell you ..... ITS HARD I KNOW FIRST HAND.... But walk away and dont look back .

Easier said then done ... I give you that ...

But look at me .. I wished i walked away on the first cheating.

I think you have PM disabled or something. I can PM anyone but you...

I think you have PM disabled or something. I can PM anyone but you...

He's a new member and his PM has not yet been activated. He needs a lot more posts before he can use his PM.

shared the same beliefs, values, and morals of life.

Unfortunately the above is not actually the truth, as you just found out. His values and morals are NOT the same as yours by a long shot. Because he doesn't value you (his chosen girlfriend) enough not to have an affair (emotional or otherwise) with another woman behind your back. And unless you believe such deception is moral, than no he does not follow the same sort of morals that you do either.

Understand this one concept which is the honest undeniable truth. If you had not found out about his affair with that woman, he would have been texting her (and who knows what else) still today and beyond behind your back the entire time. Getting off on each others energy and being excited by each other and smiling because of each other.... Getting up from the table at dinner with you to "supposedly" go to the bathroom but in reality its just to text her.... THAT is why emotional affairs are rotten to the core.

I really am serious in that I would not have had the same disdain for my ex-wife had she just ran out and had meaningless sex with some guy and never spoke to him again. I still would have divorced her, but I would not have felt so betrayed as I did with her prolonged lusty flirty romantic messages to this man all the while behind my back until I finally caught her.

Think about that... He would not have stopped had you not caught him. And again, chances are there is more than he will ever tell you about unless you dig and find out more for yourself. He will always deny deny deny there is anything more unless you have the proof that you found on your own.

Sweetheart, open your eyes and start doing a bit of snooping. Check the computer and recent documents etc... Check his phone if you get the chance to see the numbers listed (I'm sure he deleted the texts). Check emails... Be stealth and calculated. DOn't let him know you are on the trail. You will find more. The way he is acting, its pretty easy to guess that this goes deeper than he would "ever" tell you about. His behavior is the classic cheater defense. It really doesn't get more classic than what he is telling you.

Unfortunately the above is not actually the truth, as you just found out. His values and morals are NOT the same as yours by a long shot. Because he doesn't value you (his chosen girlfriend) enough not to have an affair (emotional or otherwise) with another woman behind your back.

Good point.

Hey, so many people go through something like this at some point or another. You are not alone ok? Maybe start calculating your next move to start the process of moving on... Do you live together? If so, start looking for alternative places to live. Start getting your ducks in a row. And while you do this, keep your eyes open and search for more proof if you want more. Sometimes just knowing enough to move on is enough to know. But if you seek the entire painful truth....then go forth and find out the rest of his lies... Either way, its time to accept what went down and choose a path to take you out of there and start the healing process.

You can do this. You will be ok. And you will have a new better more exciting life without him. That is the truth...

shared the same beliefs, values, and morals of life.

This what you thought you shared, but as you can now see his beliefs, values and morals are not the same as yours. Or he wouldn't have done what he did to begin with. And the fact is relationships are not like antiques, they don't necessarily gain in value over time if they have something that wrong to begin with. I would tell him to put a pin in it, he's shown you a side you are not willing to live with. And fidelity is important, it's one of the strongest tests there is to someone's true commitment to another if you both have stated you are in a monogamous relationship.

I have faced temptations many times while in a committed relationship. I always just got rid of the temptation or ended the relationship if it was that wrong for me to begin with rather than give in to cheating. The Gretchen Wilson song "When I Think of Cheating" says it all about why someone might face temptations and yet still say just say no. And I guess that's what this boils down to: you know now what your guy will do when he's faced with temptation. He didn't say no and sooner or later probably won't again.

But do feel free to suggest he go to therapy for what happened to understand for himself why he did what he did. If he's really sincere about things he'll be eager to do something real beyond words to change himself. But yes, infidelity for me was always a dealbreaker and the one time it wasn't was the one time I got burned and badly. Good luck, I know how hard this is for you. It sucks, but come and post here often if you need help or just want to vent.

Also, I would like to point out what he did is not a mistake. A mistake is something done wrong by accident. Forgetting to add an extra zero to your checkbook and becoming overdrawn as a result--that's a mistake. You did not consciously choose to do that and it's something that was done wrong purely without your knowledge or agreement.

Cheating is never a mistake. It is a conscious choice done of one's own free will and with full access to knowledge of what one is doing and what the consequences will be. Now, leaving out information for you to find out he was carrying on with another woman--that probably was a mistake. He did something wrong and did not intend to have the result and consequences of that action. But the whole pursuing of the other woman? No, that was of his own free will and therefore not technically a mistake at all.

Just something you might want to point out to him. By calling it a mistake he makes less of what happened and it's an attempt to address it as some random event that he had little to no control over. But the harsh fact is he did do that of his own free will knowing what the consequences could be if he were caught. I would tell him to stop calling it a mistake or an accident and just be honest about what it was--he was cheating emotionally if not physically and would have continued to do so if he hadn't been caught. The only true mistake he made was in getting caught and finding out infidelity is a dealbreaker for you.