Dumped her, regret it, now she contacted me to catch up!?

Hey Folks,

6 months ago, I was the dumper, I had to break it off because there were a lot of life variables making it difficult at the time. We remained "friends" with limited communication so that she could move on. However, 3 months ago she did indefinitely cut me off, from facebook, etc. so she could completely move on, which I totally respected. The timing couldn't have been worse as I had actually been missing her at that time, and now, I was completely cut out with the potential to "be friends later". But I know we needed no contact so she could move on.

I actually had a plan to reconcile with her once she got back in the summer, but luckily our mutual friend notified me that she found someone who it is getting very serious with (sounds like "the one"). They have big plans, and she just went to Italy to meet up with this guy. Apparently he is coming back here to meet her parents.

So here I sit, with the guilt and regret that I will never be able to tell her what I've realized. I want to tell this girl that I've truly realized I do love her, and I wish her the best. It has been EATING at my mind for literally MONTHS. But I respected her wishes, and I haven't contacted her so she can move on.

To my surprise, she just messaged me with a "hey stranger, im back in Ontario, and was thinking if you'd like to catch up over a drink you could let me know". We plan to sometime next week.

Kind of odd that she is messaging me (her ex), after getting back from a romantic get away to Italy with her new incredible guy. However, many of my friends, and my gut tells me that, everything is fine with her guy, and enough time has "passed" that she is ready to be civil as friends with me since we have so much history.

She has NO idea that I know all about her and her new guy, nor does she know my feelings for her and what I've realized. Since she has opened the door, I think it is the perfect time to communicate my feelings? I actually have a special gift/letter I plan to give her. I'm not planning to try to break her and this guy up, but I've realized I truly love her and I know this because I simply want her to be happy. Am I wrong for wanting to tell her this? She thinks I never loved her, and that must be a terrible feeling, wouldn't you want to know if you were her? I feel this will give me my closure and get a tonne of bricks off my back...

Don't get your hopes up.

To me, it sounds like this trip and her new guy have solidified the fact that her feelings for you are gone. Now that she feels secure in herself and her new relationship, she feels ready to see you again and be friends.

I don't know if you should tell her how you're feeling;

- On one hand, you don't want to keep quiet and let (potentially?) the love of your life slip away.

- On the other hand, you don't want to be selfish and risk her seemingly happy relationship just so you can get this off your chest.

Then again, how much could she have really "moved on" in only 6 months?

This is a tough one!! I don't know what you should do.

How long were you guys dating when you broke up? And what were the exact reasons you gave her when you dumped her?

Can you honestly tell yourself that you miss her and want the chance to reconcile because that is how you really feel.... and not because she is in a new relationship?

If it is the former, and not the latter, than you my friend are in a difficult situation.

I wish I had better advice, but this is a sticky situation. Like Natasha says, you don't want to necessarily keep quiet if this is the girl you could see yourself spending your life with; on the flip side, you could be risking putting her into a confused state and ruining one good relationship for a past relationship that reconciliation may not work for long-term.

In your position, I would break my silence, especially considering that you point out she never knew/thought you loved her. I wouldn't be able to not tell the person I thought could be the one for me how I felt. But there are big risks that come with that and you have to weigh them carefully before making any decisions. Are you willing to risk the heartache that could come with such a confession? If you do feel that strongly for the girl, I say be open with no expectations. Be completely honest, if you choose to, and let her make all the moves after that.

Natasha,

I'm going to meet her assuming she is in a very good spot with this guy. So my hopes aren't up, nor do I want to break them up, but I have certain things I need to get off my chest.

We've known each other for 10 years. We have intimate history that goes way back to 2006 even. She's worked abroad though. So the last 3 years saw us keeping it on/off casually intimate due to her distant work arrangements. But for a year, we became exclusive and gave it a shot with the distance and such. She was ready to move for me, loved me, etc.

So to answer your question, there is a lot of history, and we actually "dated" for a year. (although it started getting heavy in 2011). As for breaking up, she should have broke up with me several times, I had a tough year personally, and was neglecting her. I had to let her go because I was continually dissapointing. She tried to get back with me shortly after, and I had to reassure it was for the best, so we remained friends. However she completely cut me off from "friends" 3 months ago so she could move on and I respected that and we haven't talked since. Yesterday was the first time she has reached out to me.

Is she a vindictive person? She may have been really hurt by you neglecting her and then dumping her. Was there anything mean or underhanded about your breakup? Leaving for another girl etc? Now that she has someone that she is serious with and it sounds like marriage etc, she could just want to meet up with you to hurt you back? I'm not hoping that this is the case, but you should be prepared for every scenario. After what my ex did to me, I'll never be surprised with what someone will do. Especially if she was a woman scorned, or a woman who may not have been scorned but feels that she was. Oof, those are the worst kind, lol.

If she is so solid with her new bf then why is she communicating with you (her ex bf) and arranging to go have drinks with you? 10 year history as friends then as an item makes it worse. I wonder if her new bf knows she is going to grab a drink with her former lover.

Now you want her back, huh? After you realize that shes really moving on with her life and you want now what you can't have?

I'm sure you hurt this girl greatly when you dumped her, I'm sure she chased you for another chance and you rejected her, don't be surprised when you're paid with the same coin.

You didn't have a plan to reconcile after summer, you just want her now that shes not available. If you truly wanted to reconcile you would have done it there and then, no second thoughts, no questions asked. You wouldn't have risked losing her forever.

Is she a vindictive person? She may have been really hurt by you neglecting her and then dumping her. Was there anything mean or underhanded about your breakup? Leaving for another girl etc?

There was nothing extremely bad like cheating/or leaving for another girl, or abuse or any of that. Considering our long history, I don't think she would want to meet up for necessarily vindictive reasons. She may not even mention that she has a new man, unless I ask her, who knows. But I wouldn't put it past her, and many "women scorned" to want to communicate with their ex about how great things are going for them.

If she is so solid with her new bf then why is she communicating with you (her ex bf) and arranging to go have drinks with you? 10 year history as friends then as an item makes it worse. I wonder if her new bf knows she is going to grab a drink with her former lover.

From what I heard through a friend, this is a guy she swept her off her feet and they were together for her last month overseas. They have plans for the future, she just got back from seeing him for a week in Italy, he's coming here to meet her parents at some point down the summer apparently.

Her and I have had a very dynamic relationship over the years, at one point, 3 years ago, we got very casual intimate but then she was gone overseas again. During a vacation when she came back we even hung out when she was in the country even though we were each in relationships with other people at the time.

Shal, I thought the same thing that you did - this time it is different because we were recently a SERIOUS couple. I'm sure things are grande with her new guy, and enough time has "passed" that she is comfortable catching up with me as friends. But, I highly doubt her new man knows she plans to hang out with her recently serious ex. Even to hang out at this point as "friends" is innapropriate when considering she has a new serious guy - she's not dumb.

Now you want her back, huh? After you realize that shes really moving on with her life and you want now what you can't have?

 

You didn't have a plan to reconcile after summer, you just want her now that shes not available. If you truly wanted to reconcile you would have done it there and then, no second thoughts, no questions asked. You wouldn't have risked losing her forever.

3Tears, that is something I've been struggling with for months now. To be clear, I am not going into this meetup looking to break her and her new man up. By the sounds of it, it is going amazing, I would never do that. I know I love her because I just want her to be happy with or without me.

But considering our long history, I feel I have to tell her what I realize and wish her the best and that I am happy for her. It has been eating me up for months now and has been plaguing my thoughts constantly. It seems like I'm getting very mixed reactions about this since people feel like I'm ultimately just going to confuse her and stir things up? Like a poster above said, if you realized you love someone but could never tell them (which I was totally going to bury and try to live with out of respect for her), would you not want to tell her?

I've even asked our mutual best friend if she were in my ex's shoes, would she want to know - she replied that "not being loved is a horrible thing, and for better or worse, I would want to know". Am I really being that selfish in wanting to do this and wishing her the best? Again I'm not looking to break up what seems to be a perfect match for her, It will be my time then to live with this and move on..

You are broken up, she's in a new relationship. Leave her alone.

But, I highly doubt her new man knows she plans to hang out with her recently serious ex. Even to hang out at this point as "friends" is innapropriate when considering she has a new serious guy - she's not dumb.

And she does not respect her bf.

I know I love her because I just want her to be happy with or without me.

 

I've even asked our mutual best friend if she were in my ex's shoes, would she want to know - she replied that "not being loved is a horrible thing, and for better or worse, I would want to know".

Then let her go.

Asking a mutual female best friend for advice is the worst thing you could do... especially if shes a girl. Of course shes going to tell you that, women are all about emotions and all that warm feeling things man lol.

Leave her alone, you're just going to cause further heartache on this girl. Its over man.

"While it's tempting to play it's safe, the things we regret most are the chances we never took". I think this quote is from Frasier?

Basically, I think if you tell her and she shoots you down, you're going to be okay with it.

But if you go see her and don't tell her, you'll be thinking about this for a long time.

I completely understand what everyone is saying here. You don't want to confuse her and wreck her relationship. And to be fair, it sounds like you never treated her the best so you technically "missed your shot". But how secure and happy can she be with a guy she had only known for 6 months? (more than likely, they've only been together 3 months)

I say go for it. Tell her how you feel, then leave it at that for her to make the decision of what happens next.

I was going to say, Don't tell her because you'll just stir up confusion and cause problems, and maybe ruin a potentially great relationship.

But then I thought, you know what? She's a big girl, and surely she'd consider what others have said here: You just want what you can't have maybe, or maybe if you two get back together, things won't work out, and she'll be losing a good relationship for nothing, etc. etc. She's smart enough to make her own choices.

So I say, go for it. Tell her, because if you don't, you'll regret it forever. Then let her do what she wants to do with the information. Good luck!

I was going to say, Don't tell her because you'll just stir up confusion and cause problems, and maybe ruin a potentially great relationship.

 

But then I thought, you know what? She's a big girl, and surely she'd consider what others have said here: You just want what you can't have maybe, or maybe if you two get back together, things won't work out, and she'll be losing a good relationship for nothing, etc. etc. She's smart enough to make her own choices.

 

So I say, go for it. Tell her, because if you don't, you'll regret it forever. Then let her do what she wants to do with the information. Good luck!

Spot on, SpottiOtti.

She is an adult and will make her own adult decision. I think the worst thing any of us can do is live with things we know we should have said. We only get one shot at this thing called life -- if you'll regret this for a long time to come, then tell her.

I completely understand what everyone is saying here. You don't want to confuse her and wreck her relationship. And to be fair, it sounds like you never treated her the best so you technically "missed your shot". But how secure and happy can she be with a guy she had only known for 6 months? (more than likely, they've only been together 3 months)

They've actually been for 1 month before she came back to Canada. So yeah, a month together, and she went back after a couple weeks to be with him in Italy for a week or so, and just got back to Canada again (which is when she messaged me to catch up). As for how secure/happy can she be with a guy she hasn't known for that long? Based on the conversation our mutual friend had with her when she first got back before going to see him in Italy, my ex was saying he does all the things I didn't do, he can't stand to be away from her and vice versa now that shes back in Canada after they were together for a month, they are mega in love, noone has ever treated her this well, they think alike, have plans for the future, he is coming to see her parents later this summer, he is going to go to South America with her in a few months, he is super hot, is a hotel developer so he is doing really well and has a flexibile job to travel with her. My ex was also saying in the conversation to our mutual friend how her and I weren't compatible, we fought all the time, and it was a struggle to be loved by me - she sees it as clear as day now. So I got the entire scoop and basically it sounds like Mr. Pefect in terms of a match, and I'm very happy for her.

So to answer your question Natasha, based on what our mutual friend heard from her a month ago before going to Italy to see him, it sounds like a high probability she found "the one" based on the details I've heard about him. Keep in mind, my ex has NO idea that I've communicated with our mutual friend and that I know about this new guy or her trip to Italy, or anything else, so it's not like my ex is saying this stuff to get "back at me" because she "knows" I'll hear it. She has no idea I even communicate with this mutual friend. She has no idea I know anything.

With that being said, it's safe to say she has completely moved on and wants to catch up as friends - this is what I completely expect. There is no way she would want to meet up if she hadn't moved on and risk making things all confusing/complicated again. Hell, this guy may have proposed to her on their romantic Italy get away and she'll have a ring on her finger when I go to see her who knows. I have no idea how the trip went but I'm sure it was incredible.

Leave her alone, you're just going to cause further heartache on this girl. Its over man.

As for 3Tears and others comments that I will "confuse her" and cause more "heart ache". I honestly really don't think that will happen by the sounds of how good things are going with this guy and by the fact that she reached out to me to meet me up, which clearly means she's moved on. I think this is a pretty good assumption based on the facts so far? Also, the fact that she has a great guy but enough time has passed that she is ready to meet up with me must mean she is DAMN confident she has no more feelings. Now is a safer time than any to get it off my chest, wouldn't you say 3Tears?

UPDATE AFTER MEETING:

So the meet up happened several days ago. Of course we talked about what we've done for the summer, she mentioned what she's been up to , that she went to Italy and such. When I asked her "wouldn't it have been cheaper/easier to go to Italy in the first place" she replied with "it was a last minute change of plans". She didn't mention anything about her new guy, so she clearly wasn't there to throw things in my face.

Later on though when I asked who she went to Italy with, she kinda got shy and said "with a guy I'm seeing". I said "don't get all shy, that's great for you" and she mentioned that she didn't want to say right away. So I then flat out side, "well I'm glad you're in a good spot, that is great but I have some things I'm going to tell you later and we may not be able to talk again". She kinda got a little stunned/confused and I assured her it was nothing bad and that we would get to it later and that I had something to give her from my car.

Went through the park/did a little shopping/ had a few beers and some food/ so it was a good casual day. I obviously HAD to throw it in her face a little and I straight up said "you and I both know your new man has no idea that you are hanging out with your recent ex" which she replied "no" to. And I then said "We also both know that if your new man hung out with his most recent ex that you would NOT be cool with it" to which she replied "probably not". She then went on to say "I think I could tell him, and we have to trust each other and have faith". Which I did laugh to and said "so you squeeze me in between Your Italy trip and when he comes here to visit you" to which she replied "I didn't squeeze you in!". Kinda funny, had to bust her balls about it. Her friend told me later that she did justify to her about hanging out with me by saying "it's casual, my man has no concerns, this is for Dash's and my friendship"

She asked what it was that I had to tell her and joked asking if she could run away to not hear it. So later on I laid it all on her. What I've realized over the last 6 months, that I realize I do love her, and that I knew since she reached out to me to catch up - I knew that she must be happy, had moved on, and that I could tell her all this without it 'confusing' her. I told her I was sorry, timing is everything and that If I didn't tell her what I had to, I'd live to regret it. There was no defensive "why now!" on her part, she was receptive, but very neutral, she mentioned she is numb to things between us, and glad that I've figured things out, and that she did wrong to and that she has also learned.

The only reconciling type thing I DID say was that "if you were single right now, I'd move a mountain and would even leave with you to South America when you go soon for 3 months. Other than that , I supported/said I was happy for her and her guy - I did joke that if they can get through the honeymoon phase that they would be well on their way, to which she laughed and said "oh stop! that's what my friend said!". Well of course we're going to say that, they've been dating for barely over a month! Apparently the dude has looked into jobs in Canada and she said "well thats what people do when they like someone". I wanted to laugh and say "uhhh well in the first month not normally, no". I just said "well if 2 people want the same thing really badly, things can escalate quickly for the 2, so I i wish you the best of luck".

Went to drop her off and noticed her mom outside, wanted to go hug her mom and say hi, but I couldn't because my ex kinda lied to her about who she was seeing. Which makes sense since her mom would obviously give her a speech about it hanging out with me. So I gave my ex the gift I made her (a book of pictures and quotes of 10 years of our memories, it was fairly romantic but I didn't put kissing pictures to overdo it) and then had a hand written letter for her and I told her it better explained everything I said earlier. The letter had more of a tone of "this is what I've realized, I love you, I'm sorry I wasn't able to properly show you at that dark time in my life, even though our time has come and gone, you mean so much to me, you deserve the best and I know you're going to get it". So in ways, it kind of had a bit of a goodbye tone to it.

She didn't have time to go through the book or anything really but showed gratitude when she peeked in for a sec to view it. She had to run off to avoid her mom from seeing me, so it was a quick bye/hug and "we'll talk soon".

So now she knows I actually love her, and although I went in with no expecations, it's always hard to not think about what may or may not happen later. I guess at least now I'm not the guy who dumped her and didn't love her. She now knows I'm the guy who dumped her and realized everything too late - so if it's meant to be and her and her guy don't work out, who knows, maybe we'll get another shot. I don't expect to hear from her anytime soon but hopefully she found my gift/letter thoughtful considering our 10 years of history.

All in all, I'd say it went fairly well?

I actually think you handled that well - because you didn't actively try to interfere in her relationship.

Best you can do now is keep your distance from her. Let her live her life and come to her own decisions. For now, she's made it clear she's "numb" to you.

How long did you two date before you ended it and how old are you both?

See.....one dumper who actually DID step up, and make an effort. Not just toss out bread crumbs. I think what you did was sweet and really classy. I hope you have a happy ending....

Beautiful story, thanks for the update! Best wishes to you!

I actually think you handled that well - because you didn't actively try to interfere in her relationship.

 

Best you can do now is keep your distance from her. Let her live her life and come to her own decisions. For now, she's made it clear she's "numb" to you.

 

How long did you two date before you ended it and how old are you both?

Ms Darcy, we've known each other since 2004, had some brief dating history when we were kids way back then before she moved abroad in 2007. We started reconnecting in 2011 during her visits here, and naturally grew close/intimate and I even visited her overseas so you could say we were a temporary item then but knew we had to "stay cool" because of the distance. 2011 - 2013 was more or less the same (whenever she would visit, and if we were both single - we'd always get intimate and grow closer - By 2013, we fell for each other too hard and made it exclusive for the year even though she was still abroad at the time. So, several years of being intimate and then about 1 year of it being "official" before I ended it, if that answers your question.

As for your other question, she is 30 and I am 34.

30s is definitely a crucial age ... where people are looking to get serious.

30s is definitely a crucial age ... where people are looking to get serious.

Ms Darcy, absolutely! And on top of being in the 30's, Her and this new guy, although only several weeks fresh, have big plans and faith in the relationship and are planning to make big moves to make it work - pair that up with the fact that she wants to find someone really bad, there is a high probability that he is the one.

It's been 2 weeks since her and I met up, I figured I'd maybe get a quick "thanks for the thoughfful book and letter" or something along those lines but nothing - I'm not really surprised though either. A few friends of mine think it most likely gave her a lot to think about, and she is probably processing it. I don't think she was really phased by my gesture, it's tough to say. Her new guy is visiting here soon anyhow, so I don't expect to hear from her any time soon. Who knows, maybe we'll exchange Merry Xmases down the road, maybe she'll shoot over a message before that, no idea - I hope she appreciated what I did for her as it took a lot of opening up on my end. 10 years is a lot of history.

In the end, what is meant to be will be I suppose. If her and this guy work out, it was meant to be. If it doesn't work out between them and we DO or DON'T give it another shot a long while down the road, then so be it. I've accepted that her and this guy will more than likely work out and that her and I may not talk for a very long time - my friends think she'll want to continue talking to me and will reach out at some point, we shall see. Either way, I'm keeping my distance until then.

Although I've accepted it's over, I have the sticking issue of reaffirming that in the end, I probably made the right choice anyhow in calling it off to begin with? Sure, it sucks that I can't try again with her at full force given what I've realized, but does anyone have any tips on removing the rose tinted glasses and reaffirming their decision to believe it was the right one, as to not keep looking back? I'm actually on a waiting list to see a counselor to figure things out. For example, as per my update of meeting with her, I had even told her if she was single, I'd be gone in a heart beat with her to travel to South America and see all the countries for her planned trip next month. A part of me thinks, damn it is hard to find someone unique like that who is willing to travel and live life to the fullest and dream big - it's a massively attractive quality for me - I would love to share that with my significant other who has the courage for that.

You made the right choice because it was what you wanted and needed.

I wish you luck ... you definitely have your head on straight man.

You made the right choice because it was what you wanted and needed.

 

I wish you luck ... you definitely have your head on straight man.

Yes, at that time it seemed like the only decision to make really.

I was definitely in a bad spot in my life leading to me having to call it off with her. But there of course were personality differences at work as well to and always have been even though we continually would try to work on them. Of course, near the end of the relationship when i could feel myself checking out mentally, I started growing resentful of her due to some of these little personality differences as well and it even got to a point where I sometimes wouldn't even react to her, but would become numb and give her the silent treatment instead - that was the sad part near the end, and it lead to me not putting in any more effort.

Or sometimes, she wouldn't even do anything wrong really, I would react angrily, and she would ask "why are you being like this, is this a reflection of me?" and I'd yell "you know what, sometimes, yes it is!". But it seems when you know you are going to break it off with someone, the dumper gets upset with anything quite easily and that was the case with me.

It is amazing what these rose tinted glasses do to us when a relationship is over though? There was a lot of good, and it's all I seem to focus on?

Even when we just had that meet up 2 weeks ago, she said a couple things that reminded me of those irritating opinionated behaviors that would sometimes drive me up the wall at times when we were in a relationship. My friend recently told me that "once you become resentful of someone (or certain behaviours that are hard wired into their personality), it is hard to not become resentful again with them even if time has passed and eventually you will go back to feeling the way you did before when things were bad." It's one of those things that plagues my thoughts though - *if I was in a better spot in my life, sure I'd be able to overlook some of these things, but they would just creep up again anyhow, I'd get my old resentful feelings back, and I'd only be able to "brush off" so much?*

This is the issue I'm having a hard time shaking for some odd reason. If Ms Darcy or anyone can shed some wisdom with these nagging thoughts and helping reaffirm that in the end I probably made the right call, I would greatly appreciate it!

To be honest if she said some stuff that annoyed you pre-break up and she said some more stuff that rubbed you the wrong way again post break up here recently, then reconciliation is the last thing you needed.

Your personalities should not really be grating this early on. You shouldn't have to brush stuff off ... that's suggesting that she is being annoying. Doesn't she deserve someone who thinks her personality is awesome? And same for you. Much as you want the break up to be about the stuff going on in your life, I think personality incompatibility played a role.