No contact EVERYTHING

This is another thing that has gotten me wondering, why everyone says to go NC, all the way, even if you want reconciliation. Remind me how does that work again? Because for every situation, no matter the circumstances it is always said to do NC, forever. Dumper, or dumpee, toxic or healthy relationships they all get the same answer. A**hole ex, good guy ex, its ALL the same. I mean, yes, the whole, make them miss you thing and all of that, but I still don't get it. NC will eventually make your partner move on and forget about you and most people who want them back go "NC" as a tool to get them back, they hold on to hope and when 6-12 months pass by of NC they try to reach out but at that time its too late, their ex has moved on and probably in another better more serious relationship.

Anyone got good solid answer to this, besides the whole "you gotta get yourself back" "make em miss you" and the same answers I've heard ever since I came accross this forum?

I agree with you. I don't think NC necessarily will make them

want you back. If you're doing NC to help heal yourself, then I would assume it is helping heal the other person. I'm going NC to heal but I'm afraid it will help him faster than me and he is going to find someone in no time That hurts. So nope I don't have any different answers for you. Just wanted to put in my two cents. Added question. I get told "I deserve better, etc" but how can one person be better than the other? Or one more "deserving" than the other?

"NC" isn't about making them miss you, nor is it a tool to use in getting back together. It's all taking the time to focus on yourself and getting your thoughts in order, which places you in a better position to see things clearly.

With that said, the ex may or may not return, yet you're that much further ahead with moving on with your life.

I don't know where you've read that going NC is for the reason of making your ex miss you enough to come back to you. My reason for insisting on NC is because by doing so it helps with the healing process. To me, being in contact with an ex will only fill you with false hope of a reconciliation and added heartbreak when that doesn't happen.

If a person really wants to get back together with someone they have broken up with, no amount of time apart will change that. Nor will a lack of communication. A person doesn't just forget about someone they have feelings for.

And, if after 6 months, this person has found someone else it is because that is what they wanted to do. They obviously didn't care enough about their ex to work on getting back together. Nor did they want to.

Some break ups are just that, a simple break up. No hidden agendas. No ulterior motives. A break up.

Because some people are nice, considerate, hardworking and kind. And others aren't. And those who have those qualities are definitely better and more deserving.

Then, what if the person doesn't want to move on, what if the person truly wants another chance and what if they had a chance to begin with? And all he/she is getting is a "Go no contact" from everyone and he/she does what is told and they ruin any chance of reconciling with their ex?

I think people need to start actually reading/analyzing the BU stories of people instead of insta saying "GO NO CONTACT" if they TRULY want to help this heartbroken person.

I've seen people here post literally the same thing to a bunch of BU stories here... Like, do you have a draft post already for that or? lol

Hello there.

This is another thing that has gotten me wondering, why everyone says to go NC, all the way, even if you want reconciliation.

Because most of the time, it is the only viable option. Obviously not 100% of the time, nothing is 100% but most of the time it is your most effective option.

Remind me how does that work again? Because for every situation, no matter the circumstances it is always said to do NC, forever. Dumper, or dumpee, toxic or healthy relationships they all get the same answer. A**hole ex, good guy ex, its ALL the same. I mean, yes, the whole, make them miss you thing and all of that, but I still don't get it. NC will eventually make your partner move on and forget about you and most people who want them back go "NC" as a tool to get them back, they hold on to hope and when 6-12 months pass by of NC they try to reach out but at that time its too late, their ex has moved on and probably in another better more serious relationship.

Ok. The general idea is, that by going no contact and distancing yourself from said person they come to realise the mistake they made and come get you back. However, the sad reality is, what happens when you go no contact is, you essentially take away their little self confidence boost treats and they come looking for them, find them, then leave once satisfied.

There is literally, unequivocally and absolutely no way of getting someone back who doesnt want to come back. So why do I recommend people go no contact even when they are crying and pleading for a way to get their ex back? Because its the only source of advice I can give that wont put them in a worse situation than they are already in. Best case scenario, their ex gets some time to think, re-evaluates their choice and returns. This however is so rare. This is why I will usually advice people to break off contact, focus on themselves and try to just be better. Not to win their ex back but to make themselves feel better.

So basically, you cannot win someone who has dumped you from a dead relationship back.

I have had this thought too 3Tears. After my X contacted me asking for something back, I told him not to contact me anymore because I needed to move on. His answer was "No Problem." Then I deleted his phone number and blocked FB and all that stuff. After I did that, I panicked. He said No Problem WOW that hurt! Now he won't even try to contact me since I told him not to and I don't have his phone number any more because I never memorize it. (it was in my phone and I deleted it along with all my text from him.) YIKES!!!

I told him not to contact me at all and they do what you asked, so no chance of ever talking to him again. My X doesn't seem to be a fighter and I am sad that he didn't stick with it and fight for our relationship, so I consider him to be a coward for many reason, mostly because he didn't know how to communicate and hated any conflict. He would leave if he thought I wanted to discuss something important about us. And I found out about so many lies he told me too.

But I have also read that if your X wants to be with you, they will do anything to reach you. So I hope that is true for those of you who would like to get back with their X and have gone NC.

At this point, I'm not wanting to reconcile, so no contact was the best decision for me. I still miss him, though. I miss the companionship the most and having someone to do things with. We had a blast together, we really did. But it is hard to be with someone who cannot communicate and lies about almost everything on top of it, so unless he gets help and finds his voice, we really aren't going to work out anyway.

Its called a break up because the relationship is broken.

Or something like that.

Most people get their first and second and third chances in the relationship itself - the breakup generally happens for good reasons, which are clear in the first week or two, and then are obscured by time and the reality of the dating world. That is why day 30 is so hard and usually the point where people start breaking contact and concocting some rom-com version of their and their ex's future together...

The truth is that very, very few reconciled relationships last. NC really is the best way to break free from the highly dangerous false view that somehow, some way, the relationship should and can work, if just... If only...

There is a great big world out there, breakups first give us a chance to fix some things that are wrong with ourselves, and, second, give us a shot at possibly meeting someone who can appreciate us the way we deserve (for better and worse or alternately, just being happy alone...

NC is the straightest line between those points

Then, what if the person doesn't want to move on, what if the person truly wants another chance and what if they had a chance to begin with?

Tough, this is life. If they truly had a chance they wouldn't be on a forum asking for advice from a group of people who are all here because of equally broken relationships. There's no experts here. Just people with differing levels of experience. Yes people are cynical and overly harsh, alot of the people replying to the advice are hurting from relationships. Me for example, I first came on here for relationship help, now I just come on to help others when I cant sleep because of my own anxieties, trying to help others, helps me to stop thinking about me and maybe in an hour or two get some sleep.

And all he/she is getting is a "Go no contact" from everyone and he/she does what is told and they ruin any chance of reconciling with their ex?

There's usually very little chance of reconciling. Look, we would all like to think that our ex feels the same way as we do about them, but fact is they dont. The reason the relationship ended is because two people are at very different positions in the relationship.

I think people need to start actually reading/analyzing the BU stories of people instead of insta saying "GO NO CONTACT" if they TRULY want to help this heartbroken person.

Encouraging someone to waste time pining after someone who may never return is not helping anyone. Encouraging someone there is a life outside of their ex and their relationship helps them no matter the outcome. Lets take 2 made up cases.

John misses Jessica and wants to get back with her. Everyone advises John to hold out, be romantic Jessica will return. John spends 6 months trying to get Jessica back to no avail, he fails. 6 months of his life is lost.

Bill misses Rachel and also wants to get back with her. However, everyone advises Bill not to chase her, let her go and start focusing on himself, take up some hobbies and start enjoying his own life. Rachel never returns. Bill is 6 months into his single life, learning new things, meeting new girls and building his confidence.

Best case scenario in both? The girl returns. Except Bill is a much more interesting person than he was when Rachel left.

I've seen people here post literally the same thing to a bunch of BU stories here... Like, do you have a draft post already for that or? lol

Then dont take their advice, as I said. No experts here. Just loads of hurt and messed up people trying their best.

You hear the same things because they WORK.

Contact drags out the healing process. Will your wound heal if you continuously pick at it? Nope.

The point of no contact is to heal. That is all it is for. It's not a power trip or game. When you heal you gain perspective. Your judgment sucks post break-up. It's just the way it is, you're all clouded and fogged up with emotion, maybe desperation. You can't make wise choices in the midst of that.

We're not 4 years old with no sense of object permanence. People don't just forget people. If you broke up, if it got to that point - something was wrong in the relationship. You can't even dream about reconciling it and rendering the issues until you've created distance and gained perspective .

It takes 2 people to reconcile. Two committed and dedicated people. If you are living your life walking on eggshells in fear of making one wrong move or not responding to a text in the right time frame so as to not screw up your chances, that relationship is dead. And you've also become unhinged. It's just not good.

Then, what if the person doesn't want to move on, what if the person truly wants another chance and what if they had a chance to begin with?

Ok so what if the person has a chance or at least thinks they have a chance and stays in contact with the person that dumped them only to go back and forth with this person for the next 5 - 10 years. Eventually the dumper finds someone and you've wasted 5 - 10 years on not wanting to move on cuz there is a chance. I've known people to go on for years playing this back and forth game with the dumper whose pulling the strings and it doesn't make sense to me to do this. This is why people say go NC. Like so many people say, if it's meant to be, it will be.

3Tears, are you questioning this because your situation is different?

Are you wanting someone back and fear they're moving on now?

Its not about me wanting my ex back or not, its just feels like for every situation it is said to never contact them again. What if they want you back one day but they haven't heard from you in such a long time that they're scared to be the one rejected? So they dont contact you out of fear.

NC is not a panacea. Sometimes LC or NIC (not initiating contact, for those who don't know) is the best answer. In fact, I've actually discouraged some people, because of the reason or the breakup, from using NC. If someone breaks up with you because you're cold and distant and you want a chance for reconciliation, going NC is not the answer.

Why are you asking?

Have you read Al Turtle's site? He spells it out completely - give them half of what they want (at most) and when to really let go (he gives a very specific time frame).

I think people need to start actually reading/analyzing the BU stories of people instead of insta saying "GO NO CONTACT" if they TRULY want to help this heartbroken person.

 

I've seen people here post literally the same thing to a bunch of BU stories here... Like, do you have a draft post already for that or? lol

I'd like to see an example of one post in which the original thread is NOT being analyzed as an individual story, but rather people are saying "NC, NC, NC!"

It's REALLY easy to criticize the people who try to help the posters here. But the truth is, almost all of the people who come here (a) have had a breakup that will be permanent and (b) want to reconcile.

It's very very rare for someone to start posting here who DOESN'T miss their ex desperately, ISN'T struggling not to stay in contact, ISN'T trying to hold on to false hopes.....

It's insulting to those of us who spend time trying to help those in pain to insinuate that people here don't really try to understand and empathize with each poster's individual situation.

Just imo.

Totally agree, if it meant to be it will be.

Real deep feeling do not go away as much as time has passed.

If the feeling are real and strong and the other person wants only you no amount of time and other people in their lives can make them fade.

So for me NC is not something to be afraid of, the dice has been rolled, NC or no NC will not make a difference in the other persons feelings.

They might get worried and their ego might have a beat down and they will initiate contact but its not for the right reasons. It usually passes if we break NC and they will probably go on their way again

What if they want you back one day but they haven't heard from you in such a long time that they're scared to be the one rejected? So they dont contact you out of fear.

I think after having a relationship with someone, if they really want you back and if they have wronged you they would contact.

When you realize you want something that you lost because of your fault you go for it. If you dont its possibly because you actually not sure you want it back.

We see people making contact when NC is on and simply their ego is struck, so i think when you realize you want something hopelessly no NC is going to stop you.

 

But I have also read that if your X wants to be with you, they will do anything to reach you. So I hope that is true for those of you who would like to get back with their X and have gone NC.

Simple as that....

Its not about me wanting my ex back or not, its just feels like for every situation it is said to never contact them again. What if they want you back one day but they haven't heard from you in such a long time that they're scared to be the one rejected? So they dont contact you out of fear.

If they want you back, they will let you know.

If they are scared or worried about rejection or afraid --- then they really don't want you back!!!

I went complete NC when my bf and I broke up. When he wanted me back --- he came to my door, hat in hand (so to speak) and apologized and told me that he loved

me and wanted another chance. I could have said "no". I could have closed the door in his face. That was a bet he had to take....in order to get me back.

Well I agree that NC is to heal in the first place, but every guy (even not romantically envolved) that I ever start ignoring (basically same thing as NC) started reaching out sooner or later. ALL of them, so did my ex now.

I agree if someone really wants you back they'll do anything to have you back. I guess NC even if people say it's for Healing does make people miss you and realize what they had ... Or maybe it's just a guy thing because then they have to work for you to get back in touch, but they always came back ... But now I'm thinking about ME and Healing.

If he ever wants me back he needs to work for it.

If they want you back, they will let you know.

 

If they are scared or worried about rejection or afraid --- then they really don't want you back!!!

 

I went complete NC when my bf and I broke up. When he wanted me back --- he came to my door, hat in hand (so to speak) and apologized and told me that he loved

me and wanted another chance. I could have said "no". I could have closed the door in his face. That was a bet he had to take....in order to get me back.

Wow ... That must've felt great. How long did it take him to realize he wanted you back if I may ask ? And who initiated the BU ?

He broke up with me. Four months.

He broke up with me. Four months.

Thx, just being curious as I'm coming out of that situation myself as you know ...

It's hard ... Did he tried contacting you during those 4 months of NC ? And if he did, did you ignore it ?

I did, I kinda feel guilty though ...

I did not contact him.

He did not contact me.

I ran into at a corner store. We had a 2 minute "chat"...like neighbors. That was at around 3 months.

Didn't see/hear from him again until he showed up a month later.