Don't know what to do...

[Wayfara]

Anyway I value our connection a great deal and I wouldn't throw it away if she's just want to be friends so I would have to find a way to deal with it, I think when I get used to just being friends it'll get easier. And I've told her several times we could be just friends too and she seems happy that we are friends now, if she had wanted to rekindle our relationship she would probably had said so, and maybe she would feel cheated if she found out I'm still hoping she will reconsider us. We always had a great deal of fun that didn't include relationship stuff, it's fun just to spend time together and talk, I really appreciated she helped me with my bookshelf, it's boring to paint things without company, I should be more concerned about being a good friend than trying to win her back.

[chocolatemilk]

I don't know if it would hurt her, but to me it seems like the slower the better and I'd avoid it altogether if she doesn't take any initiative herself. You know her though, I think you have a good idea of what you should or shouldn't do based on your experiences with her. For now i guess you should hold back even friendship-wise to some extent until you have a better idea as to what she wants from your friendship.

 

I guess it's simplest and most honest to take her at her word about the friendship and resolve yourself to that.

[Wayfara]

I'd avoid it altogether if she doesn't take any initiative herself

 

Would you count wanting to hang out with me as an initiative?

 

You know her though, I think you have a good idea of what you should or shouldn't do based on your experiences with her.

 

In my experience she needs a lot of coaxing. When I started hanging out with her 2007 she was very sceptical of relationships and if I hadn't taken the first steps I don't think we would have gotten together. Well, I don't think she has as bad opinion of relationships now as then, but she seems to think we broke up for a good reason, which I don't agree with, I think I ended it prematurely. I think if we gave it a second chance things could be different but she seems to think I would just dump her again Is it normal to have trust issues with your ex if your ex broke up with you? Is lack of trust indicative of lack of feelings?

 

I'm going to see her tomorrow but I'll sit tight and figure out what she wants from the friendship.

[Wayfara]

E seemed pretty okay when she told me her grandfather had died but when she saw me the day after the funeral she cried (I asked her about the funeral and she started crying while telling me about it). When I see her cry my heart breaks, I was close to break into tears too. But it was the first time she let me comfort her and she hugged me like she really meant it afterwards, it felt nice in a way.

 

Anyway last time I was at her place I saw a notebook in a book heap. I wasn't really thinking, I fiddle on everything and sometimes when I'm with her I forget I'm not at home. So anyway I took it up and flipped it through and saw my name in it. When she came back into the room she pulled it off my hands right away, I think she got angry, she said she couldn't let me out of surveillance even for a minute without me snooping Well I asked what she had written about me as I had seen my name in it. She wouldn't let me see but it was about a dream she had about me like half a year ago. We had orienteering together, we got into a labyrinth but I knew the way out so she was following my lead but she somehow got her legs paralysed and couldn't keep up with me.

 

She always dreams so weird dreams about me, one time while we were still together she made me promise I would still going to let her see me even if I got blemishes all over my face. Why? Because she had a nightmare that I had connected myself to a musical keyboard and would only communicate with her through the keyboard, while the real me was hiding in the bedroom because I was terminal ill with some black spot spreading disease and wouldn't let her see me ugly. In her dreams I'm this vain laughing girl who leaves her behind apparently... I wonder if that's how she sees me.

 

Anyway I have talked to her brother, he calls himself the peace mediator between E and me, apparently he talked sense with E about the friends thing (a little disappointing she needed persuasion from a third party though). While we were talking he suddenly threw me off with a "Are you still caught in the dream of my little sister?" question. I don't know how much E has told him but my blushing gave away the answer Well I got a pep talk from him, a bit embarrassing but he says he sees me as part of the family. But I don't think E wants to resume our relationship, she has said we aren't going to make the same 'mistake' again, she thinks it ruined our friendship, well I suppose she's right about that.

 

B has made a bet with E that if she would lose she would have to see a weird comedy she didn't want to see, she lost so she's going to see the movie with him. It was her brother who told me but he's somewhow oblivious to that his best friend likes her. Anyway I think she's warming up to him She claims she thinks B's lifestyle is sleazy but as he and her brother has been friends since like forever he's almost like a brother to her she says. She believes he feels the same about her and that he only flirts with her to freak her out as he knows she's gay, like as when straight guys act gay with each other. Well she must be in denial or she's just very dense about it, she once said I was like a sister to her too...

 

How do you stop caring if your ex gets involved with someone else?

[pappp]

Hey Wayfara !

 

I hope you're doing good in your new environment.

 

So how are things going?

Have you seen E again, or did you get some news ?

Do you know if she saw B ?

 

Take care,

[Wayfara]

Hey Wayfara !

 

I hope you're doing good in your new environment.

 

Thanks yeah I do, it's not that far from home and I know the town, everyone go there when they want to do something as my home town is small (well my home town is nice too in it's own way, I'm home with my parents now).

 

So how are things going?

Have you seen E again, or did you get some news ?

 

We have been hanging out as friends and seen each other regularly. We didn't exchange any presents for Christmas because she thinks the holidays are too commercial so she refuses to partake, but some time before Christmas I was looking for yellow flower to put in my kitchen window with her, but couldn't find anyone, and when I saw her the time after she gave me an yellow orchid 'because she didn't want to enter one more flower shop with me'. I was so touched by it, totally didn't expect it. She also gave me a keyring with a mean prissy little girl on it a few days ago because it made her think of me lol, it looks cute. I have made a drawing of her and gave it to her as a present, I hope she liked it.

 

I have asked her why she only has bad dreams about me, apparently she just dreams a lot of weird dreams about everyone.

 

Do you know if she saw B ?

 

Yes she did. We had a small fight before she went because I said his intentions weren't friendly and she wouldn't see it. Afterward she wouldn't tell me anything and I thought it meant something had happened between them, the feeling was just horrible, like I couldn't breath... Well when she finally told me she was like 'yes, I had been right, as usual', she hadn't thought she would be his type. I was so sure she would then tell me something about being confused about her feelings about him... He had done "something" so I asked her if he had kissed her and she was like "You think I would let him?" as she got offended. She had told him she's gay, I don't know many things that has made me so happy.

 

She came to visit me before I came home to the winter break. We were out on a walk and as we were just heading home I thought she was a bit unresponsive. It's a lot a snow here right now, and I made a snow ball and I threw it at her and she got it at her neck. She said I would pay for that so I ran inside and she came after but there were people in the stairs so we like pretended like nothing. After we came inside my apartment and we shut the door she pushed me against the wall and began unbuttoning my coat. She had sort of a fierce look on her, my heart was beating really fast but with the last buttons she like slowed down and just let me feel her cold hands, well maybe the cold hands thing was her plan.

 

Anyway I was freezing so I asked her to come and talk in bed so we could have the cover over us. That turned into us hugging in bed (well it was cold). I asked her if she changed her mind about being friends because her brother bugged her. She said her saying no before had nothing to do with not wanting to be friends with me. She thought that we would always be friends, even if we would decide it's best not to see each other, because friendships aren't determined by how often people meet up. The moment felt pretty intimate, I told her I love her... Afterward there was a long awkward silence where I was really regretting telling her. When she finally said something she was like "I... love you too". I don't know which way she meant it but it had to be obvious that when I said it I didn't mean it as a friend.

 

Anyway I asked her to sleep over, and she did, well she chose to sleep on my sofa. In the morning she was talking to me while I was preparing myself in the bathroom, then I had change my clothes. Knowing how prudish she is I had to tell her, so I was like "I'm going to change now" but adding in a flirty way I wouldn't mind if she stayed, she got all red, super embarrassed and left the bathroom immediately...

 

I know she thinks the night we had together was a disgusting episode of us being drunk and horny. But I didn't sleep with her merely because I was drunk and horny or I would have slept with M. M wasn't a bad kisser, he knew his thing. But sometimes when you buy sweets it doesn't really taste that good, but you keep eating them, because it's there in front of you so can't stop and then you start feeling ill, because you have eaten too many sweets. It felt like that with him, but it has never felt like that with her, it just felt right.

 

I think she told me once that love makes people stupid, and it's true. I saw her shortly yesterday and we started talking about politics somehow and she said what we humans would really need is a wise dictator who forced us to be less selfish... At that moment it just made perfect sense to me and I was thinking it was so true, and now the day after I'm like "A dictator? I believe in democracy". She thinks we are all motivated by selfishness and doing charity is just about feeling good about ourselves. I've thought about it and I'm going to tell her I don't agree with her. I don't think a psychopath feels good about doing charity, he feels good about hurting people, if people were 100% selfish we would choose to feel good about robbing people of their money instead of charity as it's more lucrative in the selfish way.

 

Well I know I can't continue this way I have been doing with her for much longer, my feelings are back right where they started How do I end it? Would it be meaningless to ask her again if she's sure she doesn't want to give us another chance?

[Wayfara]

I'm going to hit the bed in a minute (really late here) so I won't write long.

 

I said some things to E that were not right... I haven't dared to see her since, I think she would refuse me (she told me to not bother seeing her again). It didn't hit me that hard at first, felt kind of numb, then yesterday I cried so much, cried myself to sleep. I don't know if the things I said were too unforgivable so that saying I'm sorry would just be ridiculous. I'm going to take it as a lesson (to work on my temper and nastiness) and be careful to not do the same thing to someone else.

[xioking39]

this makes me sad wayfara

[Wayfara]

this makes me sad wayfara

 

It makes me sad too. I was so stupid and I don't know what I can do about it.

[anonymousSAD]

I don't have any advice really, only wanted to say that I read as much as I could of your story in one night (12 pages and got the gist of what happened later). It really touched me and I hope things work out for you.

[Wayfara]

I don't have any advice really, only wanted to say that I read as much as I could of your story in one night (12 pages and got the gist of what happened later). It really touched me and I hope things work out for you.

 

Thanks, it's a bit to read lol. Summarizing we were together together for a year and a half but we were never intimate during that time. I broke up with her because I felt I was more into her than she was into me and then I didn't see her for a year. When we reconnected we had one night of intimacy but she regretted it and we decided to just be friends.

 

Things were going good, sometimes she would come to me and if I took the bus to her she waited for me at the bus station, she always looked so happy to see me and that just made my heart melt. Some rare times she tagged along when I invited her to come with me when I was seeing friends but I think she did it mostly for my sake. I told her it would be easier to stay in contact if she had a cellphone but I never thought she would buy one as she was so very against phones, then she did. Well she's not much of a phone person and we never talked more than a few of minutes at a time, we only called to decide where we were going to meet and stuff lol.

 

The time before the last time we saw each other she was baking. She counted in the ingredients to the paste and I counted aloud too confusing her with the wrong numbers and tickled her with the feather duster knowing she couldn't fight me off as she had to finish what she was doing. But when she had put the bread to rest under a cover she turned her attention to me and we wrestled on the floor... I love her messy curly hair, it's so thick, bouncy and stands up by itself, well I couldn't keep my hands away. She whispered in my ear "You are a pain" and she pecked me on my cheek, and I don't know why, I felt so shy, I think I even blushed. Then well I leaned in... and we kissed, it was the first time we kissed for over a half a year, it was wonderful. We kissed and hugged for like half an hour. Well then the timer went off peeping... and when she had put the bread in the oven she said she really wanted to be a good friend to me this time around and said she was sorry (for kissing me I guess) like she was ashamed. Anyway I was disappointed...

 

The last time I saw E she asked me if I'm seeing someone. I told her I've had a couple of drinks with a guy, that nothing has happened between us yet but I think he likes me a bit and I think I might like him a bit too. I asked her if she would care if I had a boyfriend, she said it wouldn't be her business, she was just curious.

 

Sometimes I just want a damn reaction from her! So I know what she really feels... Well I said I think she hangs out with me because she so very lonely, I suppose I wanted to hear her deny it, hear her say she's in it for me. It's just that I felt like I had to back up my point by telling her how unhealthy it was to not have any friends, I had thought she would get defensive but she didn't say a thing and I suppose I wanted a reaction from her so I kept going nastier and nastier about me maybe being her only friend because I'm the only one who stands her. At the end I told her I think the real reason she asks about me seeing someone is because she feels threatened by it, that she would rather have me pinning over her forever so she can use it to feed her fragile ego.

E: "You only wanted me back because it soured with your boyfriend, how is that a compliment?"

Well then she picked up her things to leave and I realized I had probably gone too far... I asked her if the thing we had planed for the weekend was still on and her answer was in a calm tone "No, don't bother seeing me again".

 

It wasn't spoken out of anger and that just makes me feel so much worse. I've tried to just push it out of my head but I don't have any excuse for what I said, I'm 23, I should know better. A couple of months ago I was unsure if the friendship was working for me and now I got what I wanted... I am so stupid, I think she really cared about me, maybe the one who cared about me the most, and I repay that by being so mean to her... When I told her about feeling like a bad person she hugged me and said I wasn't, but I guess I just proved to her I am. I'm too ashamed to say I'm sorry, I can't expect her to forgive me every time I turn nasty.

[Wayfara]

I don't know if anyone has taken the time to read the post above, I'm wordy but in case you have, do you think E understands what I told her isn't true, like the thing I said about nobody standing her? Do you think she's very hurt by what I told her? She didn't look very hurt but maybe she just pretended not to be. I'm going home today so I'll be in town, I could put a note under her door telling I didn't mean those things just in case, should I?

[anonymousSAD]

You should definitely apologize, tell her you didn't mean it, and explain why it happened. I think she seems to be a very strong person, but it probably did really hurt her feelings. You're hot and cold and seem to need a lot of reassurance that she really cares about you, whereas she puts up a calm, emotionless, restrained from to protect herself. Tell her it's about you, your insecurity and not her at all, that you say things like that. Honestly, it really seems like she cares about you a lot and you too have a really good friendship even if it's just a friendship. You just need to work on emotional stability, not always taking things out on her.

[Wayfara]

You should definitely apologize, tell her you didn't mean it, and explain why it happened. I think she seems to be a very strong person, but it probably did really hurt her feelings. You're hot and cold and seem to need a lot of reassurance that she really cares about you, whereas she puts up a calm, emotionless, restrained from to protect herself. Tell her it's about you, your insecurity and not her at all, that you say things like that. Honestly, it really seems like she cares about you a lot and you too have a really good friendship even if it's just a friendship. You just need to work on emotional stability, not always taking things out on her.

 

Thanks, I think I needed this wake-up call. I am really ashamed over my behavior I'm never like this with other people, with her I'm just more sensitive and insecure, well mushier and more caring too in a way. People use to say I'm not very emotional, but I am, just not with them. About running hot and cold it's what frustrates me about her, like one day we kiss and the time after she wouldn't even care if I would get a boyfriend...

 

I was afraid I was going to get into a relationship with someone new and then find out if I just had waited a bit longer she would have taken me back. But it's not like I can put my love life on ice forever either... If I knew I could fix things between me and E I would, and if I was sure E would definitely not be interested in trying again I could see if me and the guy I met could lead to something (taking it slow). When I saw E last time it just felt like I would be shooting myself in the foot no matter what I do... Everything would be much easier if I didn't deep down have the hope she might still feel something for me above friendship... Other times I just think, maybe I'm just someone she hangs out with when she has no better things to do. Strangely I wouldn't even care if it was true had she been any of my other friends...

 

Thanks for your points, I will do as you say, I should apologize for what I said to her, I just hope she'll let me in.

[grendel]

I have read your whole story, and thank you for writing it. I think she understands that you didn't mean what you said, but it probably hurt her a bit anyhow. Sadly after all this time I think it's unlikely that a relationship will work out between you and maybe you need time apart to be able to move on. She has her own issues and maybe she will never want the same kind of relationship that you do.

[Wayfara]

I have read your whole story, and thank you for writing it. I think she understands that you didn't mean what you said, but it probably hurt her a bit anyhow. Sadly after all this time I think it's unlikely that a relationship will work out between you and maybe you need time apart to be able to move on. She has her own issues and maybe she will never want the same kind of relationship that you do.

 

Yeah, I know

 

I saw her, she said it disapoints her that I think she isn't capable to true affection because she hasn't as many friends as I do. I told her I was sorry for everything, well we hugged and she let me sleep over (it was late) so I think she forgave me. The morning after was really weird... but I got to go now to the bus my younger cousin wanted to play cards over the net at the same time as my mother was writing to me online and now I don't have any time left.

[anonymousSAD]

Hey Wayfara. Keep your chin up! I know this may not be a response your looking for, but there are other people out there. Have you ever thought of dating other girls besides E? Or guys if you want that instead right now? You probably have; all I can really say is in the broader scale of your life, though it sounds selfish, it's true that YOU have to be what is most important to you. Think of yourself, your life, your happiness. Don't let your life revolve around her. Cultivate independence - friendships too! Though it may be difficult and hurt and you probably don't really want to pull away from her emotionally - trust me I've been there - remember that she has a HER to look after. She's got to put herself first; she's never going to take care of you - she might want to, but can't because no one can - so you've got to take care of yourself.

[Wayfara]

I have met a guy, he is very pretty (long eye lashes and all), amazingly social, very funny and still has this air of innocence to him, it's very hard not like him and I think he likes me too. But well, I really like him, but I don't think I want him that way... I just really really like him, but he has tons of girls after him so I think he'll be fine. I never had a problem meeting guys and I'm not shy with them, it's just that every time I come close to ever doing anything with a man I'm not feeling anything and kind of freak out... it's hasn't to do with E, I was like this before our thing started too. About girls, I've thought about it but I've never found a girl sexually attractive (besides E).

 

I have many friends and a few close ones but it's hard to keep them happy sometimes because I can't be at two or three places at the same time and I've school and schoolwork too, if I hang out with one and not the others I have to explain myself to the others afterwards for choosing to hang out with the other friend instead of them. And sometimes I just feel drained and overwhelmed and would like to take it easy and it's hard to explain that to them. Well I shouldn't complain, it was nice to go shopping with two of them today. Anyhow in the big picture I'm pretty happy with my life, I have good friends who care about me (although some are a bit possessive I got a good grade on the big test and I think I know what I want to work with now (I've just applied to a new program). I've been stupid for falling for someone who can't reciprocate but I have a lot of other stuff going on in my life too so I'm fine most of the time, just a little sad that it didn't work out.

 

I said goodbye to E the last time I saw her... it needed to be done... because I don't want me lashing out on her again and I know I have to move on. She doesn't want to be loved (romantically) but if she ever would want a relationship I'm sure she would find someone because she's a wonderful person. I hope she doesn't feel like she had to take care of me, she took initiative to see me just as I took initiative to see her and seemed happy about spending time together when we did, we had a lot fun together.

 

I wanted E to know I love her before saying good bye but well I think she still thinks I want her as my safety net and she said she likes me too but I shouldn't throw around the love word like that. I told I've been hopelessly in love with her for almost four years, that I am sure about my feelings.

E: "Okay, let's get married. We can go and buy two white dresses right now. You said you're sure, no?"

She was very sarcastic I wanted to make her smile so I tried to lighten the mood by calling her bluff and said I wanted a proposal first, she looked angry at me and was like "You want on my knee?" and I said yes and she did it. Well I thought the joke had gone far enough and I said she didn't have to do that and told her she can call my feelings what she wants but the friendship isn't working for me, I want more and if she can't give me that I have to move on...

 

She said it wasn't that she didn't want to but doing it would be selfish because she can't give me what I want. Basically, nothing I can say or do would change that sex is utterly disgusting (to her) so we can't work out. She said she would probably prefer not to be around when I have found someone so she didn't argue my decision there.

[Wayfara]

I'm a little drunk, went out with some before, but I hope it won't be too noticeable. I've been thinking about that I've only had sex one time in my life, and I don't even know if I can call it sex because she had most of her clothes on lol. I should try sex again, real sex. Some say you can't lose your virginity with a girl (when you are a girl), and I think I would like to not be the only one getting undressed. Well to overcome your fears you have to face them, I should explore sex with both a man and a woman and just see what I like better. It's like I have two conflicting wills, one wants to be conservative and one wants to sleep around. I've listened to the conservative voice inside me for a long time and still people think I sleep around lol, it could be a sign to just let go of inhibitions and experiment, it's not like I'm going to lose my reputation.

 

To those of you who were confused about your orientation, did experimenting with both sexes help you to sort yourselves out?

[chocolatemilk]

Experimentation won't be indicative for everyone, because well, some people just can't get into it, gay or straight, unless they really like the other person, but if it works for you and helps you figure it out, as long as you stay safe and look out for your well-being, what can the harm be?

 

You should try not to jump too far into it if your conscience is telling you not to, trust your instincts, but definitely meet some new people, girls and boys alike and see if you feel comfortable going further.

 

As for the whole, virgin or not, doesn't matter if it's another girl, it's still sex, even if yours with E was a bit half-pie.

[Nikki_]

Ok, i just have to say. I have been following your story for a while now and you seem like a lovely, kind, sensitive person.

Please stop doubting yourself so much by believing that you are a bad person because you have lost your patience with E occasionally. God knows i would have if i was in your position.

You are not a bad person. You are a very good person and even E thinks so. And that says something considering how cynical and pessimistic she is.

 

I wish you all the best Wayfara.

[anonymousSAD]

I agree with Nikki_. Through your posts we've seen you do very brave things. First, you realized that you had wronged someone. You broke a cycle of mistreating her, and had the guts to admit that you were wrong and ask for forgiveness. Second, you felt something strong for someone - it happens to most people at some point or other in our lives - and opened up again and again, through friendship and honesty. It doesn't matter if it worked out; unfortunately, sometimes it just doesn't and there's nothing we can do. But how many people could be as sincere and genuine as you've been? Don't down play that;you obviously have many good qualities and don't need to feel so insecure.

[Wayfara]

Experimentation won't be indicative for everyone, because well, some people just can't get into it, gay or straight, unless they really like the other person, but if it works for you and helps you figure it out, as long as you stay safe and look out for your well-being, what can the harm be?

 

You should try not to jump too far into it if your conscience is telling you not to, trust your instincts, but definitely meet some new people, girls and boys alike and see if you feel comfortable going further.

 

As for the whole, virgin or not, doesn't matter if it's another girl, it's still sex, even if yours with E was a bit half-pie.

 

When I kissed M it was like having a plate of food in front of you that you are unsure about, but you know it will taste alright so you talk yourself into eating it, and it does taste good, it's just that the aftertaste is bad. I think I could talk myself into experimenting, I think I can enjoy it but I'm worried about regretting it.

 

I am curious about how sex with a man would be like and I would like to try it at least once. I would need to go on the pill and I'm squeamish about putting hormones in my body and what it will do to me. I am scared of catching something too, condoms doesn't protect against hpv, there are no tests for men and most of the population are infected. And there is always a chance to get pregnant and I really don't want a baby. I feel like a chicken for being such a worrier about it. Sorry for the too much information but I also think giving blowjob would be expected as foreplay and I am afraid I would gag. So I want to get more experienced but I have so many silly worries about it all.

 

Ok, i just have to say. I have been following your story for a while now and you seem like a lovely, kind, sensitive person.

Please stop doubting yourself so much by believing that you are a bad person because you have lost your patience with E occasionally. God knows i would have if i was in your position.

You are not a bad person. You are a very good person and even E thinks so. And that says something considering how cynical and pessimistic she is.

 

I wish you all the best Wayfara.

 

Thanks Nikki it means a lot. I know E thinks I am nice and cute lol, but she is also about the only person who says it. I get told I'm funny and pretty fairly often, but never nice, never cute. I told my mother I'm thinking about working at the daycare for the summer, she made a joke that I would take pleasure from making the children run home crying lol. My friends think I'm sort of a man eater and get a kick from breaking poor guys's hearts (they think I broke "poor" M's heart too). I don't really know how I give off that impression. They act surprised when I do something nice like "It's that really you Wayfara? Are you feeling well?" I like making arguments, I'm a little too curious sometimes asking many questions and I kind of tease people a lot without really thinking, it could be that. A guy I know mentioned he had an appointment to the doctor, I asked him why he had to see a doctor and he wouldn't tell because he was embarrassed, so I kept bugging him asking if it was leprosy, cholera, bubonic plague etc etc until he told me lol (now I understand why he didn't want to tell me... I feel a bit guilty for pressing him).

 

When I meet guys I sometimes get the feeling they like me for the wrong reason, like they are impressed because they think I'm a mean/bad girl.

 

I agree with Nikki_. Through your posts we've seen you do very brave things. First, you realized that you had wronged someone. You broke a cycle of mistreating her, and had the guts to admit that you were wrong and ask for forgiveness. Second, you felt something strong for someone - it happens to most people at some point or other in our lives - and opened up again and again, through friendship and honesty. It doesn't matter if it worked out; unfortunately, sometimes it just doesn't and there's nothing we can do. But how many people could be as sincere and genuine as you've been? Don't down play that;you obviously have many good qualities and don't need to feel so insecure.

 

When I reconnected with E I noticed she was more guarded but I thought if I was very patient I could make her trust me again. But it feels like she just chose to disbelieve the sincerity of my feelings because I didn't want her back until a year after the breakup... I wanted to show myself I could do without her... And well there were some who confessed they liked me while I was with E and I never told her. I don't know why I didn't, she isn't jealous that way and I don't think she would be against me hanging out with them again... I suppose I just didn't want to worry her. Anyway from an accidental slip from me a couple of months ago she knows about it, well she didn't really say anything that time but it might... well you know.

 

I didn't go to her because I was tired of M. She has to be an idiot to think it! Well I suppose it doesn't matter, it wouldn't change her stance on intimacy. I am so sorry she thought the sex was disgusting, it wasn't for me...

 

Next time I fall in love I will make sure that person doesn't have the problems E has lol.

[Wayfara]

I'm going to take it easy for awhile. Some of my friends wanted to look at some porn movies for fun and they were pretty violent, I think it shook me up some lol. I've seen some lesbian porn too, but it was pretty boring. It's strange neither straight or lesbian porn does anything to me. Anyway I've done some thinking and I think I need an emtional component to want sex with someone so experimenting would probably not be that rewarding to me. And absessing about STDs and birth control is proably a sign I'm not quite ready yet to be intimate with someone else.

[Wayfara]

It's been about a month since I last posted here, I haven't seen E anything but I had to call her today. I was thinking about painting and when I looked for the colors and I remembered I had them at her place last time. The colors and the brushes cost me a bit of money so I called her to see if she still had them. She always sounds weird on phone, like she's a robot, but she said she would come over with them shortly tomorrow. My feelings haven't changed since I last saw her, well they didn't really change during the year I didn't see her either, but I'm hoping that's okay, you should be allowed to have feelings and I'm doing okay most of the time.

 

I had an opportunity to experiment last weekend. Me and a couple of friends was at this guy's place, the guy and me started talking and we were all drinking, my friends and the other ones left after awhile to go a pub so it was only me and him left. Past relationships got mentioned, I told him my last relationship was with another female and he asked me if I had ever been with a guy (sexually), we had been flirting a bit and he asked me if I was curious. But at that moment it felt like I would be doing it more because I should want to experiment than actually wanting to (it's strange, I know I am attracted to guys when I'm with friends or on my own but when I'm actually with a guy I usually don't feel it that much).

 

Well I have kept myself occupied with school, hobbies, hanging out with friends, helping my friend with her schoolwork lol (she had a nervous breakdown after her boyfriend moved away) so I haven't had that much time to obsess over things but when I think of E I get sad and I miss her. I think I have trouble letting go when I get attached to something or someone. As a baby I was given a Teddy Bear, I used to beat it a lot, whip it with the carpet beater, took out half the eye with a knife, one ear is gone, the head is almost decapitated and it has lost it's fur on most places. My mother wanted to throw it away because he got so ugly and buy me a new one, but, despite me mistreating it, I was crazy attached to it and refused to get it replaced. I still have it and that ugly Teddy Bear would probably be the first thing I would save in case of a fire lol.

 

I liked seeing E once a week to do things together, she asked me if I wanted to make a trip together this summer and we looked for places to go and made plans, and then I lost my temper that time... I know I'm not over her so I understand ending contact with her was the right thing, but every time I do the smart thing I seem to hurt myself. Like when I broke up with her, I did in the heat of the moment but it seemed like a smart logical decision, I wanted more intimacy and she didn't, breaking up was the only logical... It hurt like hell and I ask myself if I would have gotten everything I wanted if had I just been more patient. When we became friends again I was kind of scared to pressure her to anything she's not ready for so I tried my best to not be too touchy or flirty, I wonder if it had been better to have done the reverse. Well if someone really loves you they would not wait to take you back.