Don't know what to do...

[norsewoman]

Trust me, E has zero interest in B.

 

What I meant previously about whole measures was that intimacy + E = a lot of patience and time. I think it would be difficult to get her back, but not impossible. Same with the whole intimacy thing...she would have to agree that she would seek counseling with you in order for there to be a possibility of a normal sexual relationship with her. She's definitely interested in sex...it's getting her to overcome the barriers that prevent her from engaging in it that will take so much time and patience.

[Wayfara]

Trust me, E has zero interest in B.

 

Well you never know. I had a friend who hated him, but he was persistent and one day they ended up in bed together. He wanted nothing to do with her after and she pinned for him over a year.

 

I think it would be difficult to get her back, but not impossible.

 

You don't think it would look desperate if I contact her again? I didn't want to resort to begging last time, but maybe I wasn't sufficiently direct with what I want... But usually the dumpee would try to meet the dumper half way if the dumpee wants to reconcile too, no?

 

she would have to agree that she would seek counseling with you in order for there to be a possibility of a normal sexual relationship with her.

 

I tried to suggest therapy one time, she got very offended so I don't think she would agree to seek counseling with me.

 

What I meant previously about whole measures was that intimacy + E = a lot of patience and time.

 

Well it would probably be a lot easier to convince M to start using condoms, than trying to change E lol (he broke no contact yesterday by the way, called and asked me if I wanted to go camping with him, I didn't think it was a good idea but he asked me to give it two days thinking, we would go as "friends" he says). I don't want to look foolish. If I believed in soul mates, the one, meant to be, I wouldn't care if the path is rough. But how can I justify it if I don't rationally think there is only one "the one"? I believe there is a lot of fish in sea. I believe that as much you love one person you can choose to move on and find another love; so instead of making up with her I spent a year missing her terrible to prove my theory... sometimes I feel like I'm self-sabotaging for myself But I'm young, I shouldn't waste my energy on just one stubborn fish when there is a lot of fish in sea, but then there is only one E. What I'm most scared of is not the effort itself, but looking weak and dumb for doing the effort, I don't want to be a dumb weakling. What would you do if you had an ex like E? Should I try to appreciate the other fishes more or go and catch the one I want?

[norsewoman]

Hmmm...well, I don't believe in just one "soul mate", either. I think there are many potential soul mates out there. With that said, I'm in a relationship that is going on eleven years right now. I love my partner and because I love her, I do everything in my power to keep the relationship thriving and healthy. I'm not quite certain what that belief has in preventing one from working hard at a relationship.

 

What does make sense is that E is a tough nut to crack and may never be open to a healthy sexual relationship. If E seems like too much work, then it's perfectly understandable to look for other fish. If you are still pretty invested in M (this camping trip wouldn't be as "friends" and I'm pretty certain you understand that), it would be wrong to try and start another relationship with any other person, especially E.

 

As for looking weak or dumb, when you love somebody, you make yourself vulnerable to them. Yes, it leaves us wide open. I would never see it as being weak or dumb, however. To me, it means I took a chance on somebody. Whether or not it was reciprocal doesn't make me weak or dumb. It's brave to take chances on others.

 

 

As for E and B, there's no way. Look at how much work and time it took for you to get as far with her as you did, and she loves you. There's no way a creep like B could talk her out of her pants. It would take too much time for him and she's gay. Her comment about being bi was a jab at you and her way of keeping you at arm's length.

[stormie]

 

If you are still pretty invested in M (this camping trip wouldn't be as "friends" and I'm pretty certain you understand that), it would be wrong to try and start another relationship with any other person, especially E.

 

 

This thought went through my mind. Would Wayfara like it if B and E went on a camping trip? I'm sure not.

 

I think it's time to stay the course. If you like someone, stick with that person - don't subsitute someone for another simply to take your mind off the person you really like. That never works and it just creates confusion.

[Wayfara]

Hmmm...well, I don't believe in just one "soul mate", either. I think there are many potential soul mates out there. With that said, I'm in a relationship that is going on eleven years right now. I love my partner and because I love her, I do everything in my power to keep the relationship thriving and healthy. I'm not quite certain what that belief has in preventing one from working hard at a relationship.

 

Well what I mean is if there is no such thing as soul mate why work hard for one person when you can learn to love someone with less work attached. It's often said relationships shouldn't take effort. But I suppose if you take that to an extreme that would mean leaving a sick partner to fall in love with someone with the health intact and basically jumping from relationship to relationship in search for a new problem-free person. Only someone with very shallow feelings would manage all that falling out and in love without effort, so maybe it isn't that bad after all if we get attached sometimes and decide to face the problems with the partner rather than running to hills, as falling out and in love could take years of effort.

 

If you are still pretty invested in M (this camping trip wouldn't be as "friends" and I'm pretty certain you understand that), it would be wrong to try and start another relationship with any other person, especially E.

 

M just makes it so easy for me to use him as comfort, but I won't go that road. We didn't have anything serious and I was honest about my (lack of) feelings, I thought it would be harmless fun as he too said he wanted it to be casual, but it was still wrong to get involved with him that way when I wasn't over my ex. It felt okay to kiss and stuff when in the moment, but afterward I always cringed inside. I should probably have listened to my signals from the start, but he told me they were ingrained guilt feelings of an inexperienced person and I would feel better when I got more used to it. But I went further with E and I never felt like cringing afterward. I think I deep down resent it a bit he tried to have sex with me when I was a sad drunk disaster. It was totally my fault for following him home that night and I know he didn't do anything wrong, I feel really guilty feeling like that. Anyway I'm going to tell him I still don't want to go camping with him.

 

As for looking weak or dumb, when you love somebody, you make yourself vulnerable to them. Yes, it leaves us wide open. I would never see it as being weak or dumb, however. To me, it means I took a chance on somebody. Whether or not it was reciprocal doesn't make me weak or dumb. It's brave to take chances on others

 

It's true, thanks for explaining it so well. I love her and I want to love her a long time, I do want to take a chance on her. Do you think I need to put myself out there and be more open about my feelings? So there is no doubt left to E?

 

As for E and B, there's no way. Look at how much work and time it took for you to get as far with her as you did, and she loves you. There's no way a creep like B could talk her out of her pants. It would take too much time for him and she's gay.

 

At times like these her sexual issues are actually comforting. Thanks for listening.

 

This thought went through my mind. Would Wayfara like it if B and E went on a camping trip? I'm sure not.

 

I think it's time to stay the course. If you like someone, stick with that person - don't subsitute someone for another simply to take your mind off the person you really like. That never works and it just creates confusion.

 

No, I would not like it if B and E went camping

 

I ended it with M before I tried testing the waters with E about reconciling. I told him I wanted no contact with him last time I saw him in person. He was the one who called me, and he wouldn't take my no as an answer, told me to give it two days to think about. I will still say no, I was just ranting in my last post because my friends think I'm an idiot for letting him go.

[Wayfara]

Something I want to add:

 

It seemed pretty final last time I saw E. M called me in a bad moment, had it been in another moment I would probably had told him no more strongly, he can be a bit insisting. I think he's a fun friend and he's been nothing but nice to me yet there is something I just can't put my finger on that I don't like about him, and I feel so guilt-ridden because of it, and well it doesn't help he's good at making me feel guilty too. It's hard to be strong and firm when you feel guilty about it. Any tips on how to do it?

 

About E, it sounded like she didn't think we had had a good relationship, as we had so many ups and downs. Do you think she meant it? And how would I address that?

[Wayfara]

M went craazzzyyy on me on phone when I told him I wouldn't go camping with him. If he calls again I won't be picking up. But I actually feel a whole lot better now, I didn't say anything mean to him, I just listened to all the crazy stuff he was saying half expecting he would self-implode or something, so no more feeling guilty because of him. I'll never make a mistake like him again.

 

I told my mother about it and she said she never liked him (well he's 30, and she doesn't like age gaps) but she knew I would do what I wanted anyway. I teased her because she wasn't so cool-headed when E and I got together. She asked me if I knew what E was doing nowadays, and I told her I had seen her a couple of times lately. She said she never fully understood why I broke up with E, because E had seemed quite affectionate to me in her eyes with baking me a cake and bringing flowers and so on (I had told her that I broke up with E because E wasn't affectionate with me). I told her I had thought she would be relieved that I'm not in a same-sex relationship anymore. She was like saying she was still against homosexuality as principal but E hadn't seemed that bad of a person as she had thought in the beginning. Then she said that I had never been against homosexuality as principal and she had thought I loved that girl.

 

But E seems quite happy without me these days. Well it feels like she still has feelings for me, but I'm not so sure she would come around even if I would literally beg her on my knees. Why would she take me back when I was the one who dumped her? She has no reason to. She has all rights to be suspicious. I should never have dumped her, I feel so sorry and so stupid for doing so.

[norsewoman]

 

At times like these her sexual issues are actually comforting.

 

This made me smile. So true!

[norsewoman]

I'm glad M is showing his dark side a bit more. No more guilt. He's just trying to manipulate you.

 

I have to say, your mom never ceases to amaze me. You'd think she'd be rejoicing that her daughter was no longer being contaminated by the perverse E!

 

Of course, E seems happy. As I pointed out before, she's no longer being challenged to change her deeply ingrained behaviors. All of that "friskiness" she was getting into with you was very hard work for her. Intimacy is not her forte. It's indicative of her love and affection for you that she allowed you to challenge her so. If she's not with you, she's not being challenged- thus, she has no more "issues" and life is comfortable again.

 

You're right...she may not want to reconcile after being dumped. She might assume you're just rebounding from M and worry that he'll eventually wear you down and you'll end up back with him. She's made herself vulnerable to you, too...if you're worried about appearing dumb, E probably fears this ten times as much, especially considering your earlier past. As a person who was bullied myself as a youth, I have to say that it was HUGE that she allowed you to not only befriend her, but to cross the barriers of physical intimacy as well. I can honestly say that I can't imagine doing so with any of my former tormentors.

 

Maybe you could use this time to reflect upon the situation a bit. Avoid M. Take some time and really examine your feelings for E and the answer will come to you. If you end up really wanting to reconcile, let her know. She might turn you down, it's true, but you'll never know if you don't try.

 

Finally, I'd like to say that it certainly doesn't make you a bad person if you decide not to reconcile with E. As you've pointed out, there are certainly other, less conflicted and less stubborn fish in the sea. I do think her issues can be overcome, but it would take herculean effort and lots of patience. Perhaps you might make a list of "pros and cons" to help you make your decision.

 

Hang in there, Wayfara...

[Wayfara]

I have to say, your mom never ceases to amaze me. You'd think she'd be rejoicing that her daughter was no longer being contaminated by the perverse E!

 

Yeah, I remember when I told her I had broken up with E and I was so sure she would be overjoyed and she just got upset. Maybe after she got my little sister she stopped caring I was in relationship that wouldn't bring her grandchildren, I just hope my little sister will turn out to have greater maternal instincts than I or she will get a hard time from my mother when she grows up...

 

Of course, E seems happy. As I pointed out before, she's no longer being challenged to change her deeply ingrained behaviors. All of that "friskiness" she was getting into with you was very hard work for her. Intimacy is not her forte. It's indicative of her love and affection for you that she allowed you to challenge her so. If she's not with you, she's not being challenged- thus, she has no more "issues" and life is comfortable again.

 

Do you think she would be less happy if she got back with me than she is now? I don't want to make her life uncomfortable and problematic.

 

You're right...she may not want to reconcile after being dumped. She might assume you're just rebounding from M and worry that he'll eventually wear you down and you'll end up back with him.

 

Yeah she might see it like that, but I ended it with M because I still have feelings for her, I don't have to rebound to get over him when I never was into him. How would I make her see that?

 

As a person who was bullied myself as a youth, I have to say that it was HUGE that she allowed you to not only befriend her, but to cross the barriers of physical intimacy as well. I can honestly say that I can't imagine doing so with any of my former tormentors.

 

I'm sorry that you was bullied. It's awful to admit this but E wasn't the only one I was mean to, I was a mean kid, but E was my main target. I think when a kid bullies another kid it's not always that the bully dislikes the victim, I think most bullying is done as a pastime or in some cases wanting attention from the target (well from my experience as a former bully, it was only one of my targets that I couldn't stand so I froze him out). I'm very grateful E forgave me for the things I did to her in the past and gave me a chance.

 

Maybe you could use this time to reflect upon the situation a bit. Avoid M. Take some time and really examine your feelings for E and the answer will come to you. If you end up really wanting to reconcile, let her know. She might turn you down, it's true, but you'll never know if you don't try.

 

Yeah, I'll take some time and really examine my feelings for E so I'm 100% sure before I do anything. How long time do you think would be reasonable to give the thinking?

 

Finally, I'd like to say that it certainly doesn't make you a bad person if you decide not to reconcile with E. As you've pointed out, there are certainly other, less conflicted and less stubborn fish in the sea. I do think her issues can be overcome, but it would take herculean effort and lots of patience.

 

I know it wouldn't make me a bad person if I decide not to reconcile with E. I'm more conflicted the other way around. Would it make me a bad person if I decide to reconcile with the conflicted and stubborn E when there are other fish in the sea? Bad as in messed up, obsessive, dumb, weak, crazy.

 

Perhaps you might make a list of "pros and cons" to help you make your decision.

 

Good idea!

 

Pros

 

* I like how her mind works, felt like we just connected, we had many interesting discussions.

* We made each other laugh and it was fun to tease her and play-fight. She's one of the easiest persons to be around when you just want to relax. She's low maintenance and I didn't feel tied down when I was with her, I felt comfortable with her.

* She's her own persona, I think that's one of my main attractions to her. She doesn't put up an act and she doesn't care that much what people think of her.

* None of us have or wants kids, she has goals for the future and so do I and we have pretty similar values.

* I'm very physically into her. She takes care of her body and I absolutely love her hair, her scent, her voice, everything.

* We had chemistry. When things got heated it felt amazing, I felt real sparks with her. After we broke up my sex drive dropped considerable, the thought of sex was like whatever. When we were together I would get turned on just by her touch, and since I have seen her again I've started fantasizing a lot more.

* No need for the pill, always a plus

* And she makes delicious food lol

* She was always there for me when I needed her, she was very reliable that way.

* She had her ways to be affectionate with me. She liked cuddling, liked to do stuff for me, would come with small presents now and then.

* She's the first and, so far, the only person I've fallen in love with. I think I'll always have a thing for her, I don't think my feelings for her will ever go away completely even if we don't get back together. With my head I know people can love a second time and more, but I just can't see how I would ever feel this intensely about anybody else. I do think I should be able to fall in love again in the future, maybe not in the most immediate years, but somewhere in the future, most people do, but that person won't be E, so how would I be able to love them as much? I just don't see it, but I guess everyone feels like that in beginning.

 

Cons

 

* Well she has BIG issues with intimacy and I would like to be intimate sometime. And it was weird that when we fooled around it was always only me who got unclothed.

* She's not very verbally affectionate. She almost never told me she thought I was pretty and I can count the times she said she was in love with me or loved me on one hand.

* Felt like she kept me at arm's length sometimes.

* She's very antisocial and doesn't have a phone.

* My friends will think I'm psycho if I go back to her.

* I feel like I would have it easier in a heterosexual relationships than a same-sex relationship, and I think I lean more toward guys than women so maybe I should have a heterosexual relationship because of that.

* She's a neat freak, I'm messy. It's a big chance we would clash living together.

* Sometimes when we were arguing we like got turned on by it, I don't think that was healthy.

* She often clammed up when she got angry or upset and didn't want to talk about the issue.

[Wayfara]

I just saw E this morning. She had told me she would work at a store over the summer so anyway I went there this morning to see her. The customers were looking through the store so I could talk to her for a moment. I asked her if she would have a couple of drinks with me on a pub we sometimes would have some martinis at while we were together.

E: "Can't today."

Me: "Tomorrow?"

E: "Busy tomorrow."

Me: "On Saturday?"

E: "I'm gone over the weekend."

Me: "On Friday?"

Then she chuckled and was like "You don't give up", and she asked me why I wanted to see her. I said I had something to tell her and she was like "Why don't you tell me now?" Well I said I wanted to do it more privately. Then she got all serious with "I'm your ex" and exes shouldn't hang out like that. I was like "pleeaase" trying to look my cutest, but it didn't work so I said I would buy a fridge magnet and because the customer is always right she should meet me on Friday, and I promised her I would be a nice girl, she was like "You nice? Hah!" But well after some more "please" from me she finally succumbed saying "Okay, okay. You know I can't say no to you", but it better was about something important.

 

I don't care to be rational anymore. I don't care if I'm crazy for wanting our flawed relationship back, I just want to be in her arms again. I'll ask her if she will have me back again and if she won't have me, well at least I tried.

[teller-of-tales]

Haha, you're a funny girl Wayfara (: Your posts are always so much fun to read!

 

Good luck on Friday, at least this way you won't have any regrets.

[norsewoman]

See, she is just as charmed by you as you are by E! I'll be waiting for Friday evening...

[Wayfara]

Good luck on Friday, at least this way you won't have any regrets.

 

Thanks for the good luck I'm very excited to see her. I've been looking through my wardrobe looking for what to put on on Friday.

 

See, she is just as charmed by you as you are by E!

 

You think? It felt like we flirted a bit. I won't beat around the bush this time, a drink or two will calm my nerves (but I won't drink too much, I'm planning to stay coherent lol).

 

How much should I put myself out there? E usually need some coaxing and prodding, but I don't want to annoy her by coming on too strong if she's not interested. M sent me some texts a couple of days ago when I didn't answer his calls, like "You don't answer...", "Do you hate me?", "I know you're angry..." and begging me to beat him etc etc, and it comes off a little needy when I've told him I don't hate him (well I've told him to stop texting me too). I don't want E too see me annoying like that.

[teller-of-tales]

Well, in you and E's case you're mutually attracted to each other, whereas with M it's more of a one-sided thing. I think E might feel pressured, maybe, or uncomfortable since you're knocking her out of her comfort zone, but I doubt she'll find you annoying.

 

Don't do stuff like what M has been doing though (asking to get beaten etc). That's just... weird.

[Wayfara]

I think E might feel pressured, maybe, or uncomfortable since you're knocking her out of her comfort zone, but I doubt she'll find you annoying.

 

I'm good at being annoying lol, I annoyed her one time until she would let me adorn her hair full of pink crests, then I made her dress in a pink top with a skirt too, she looked really cute in it.

 

Don't do stuff like what M has been doing though (asking to get beaten etc). That's just... weird.

 

Yeah, I don't really care about his crazy phone call so much I would want to beat him up for it.

 

I'm nervous about messing it up on Friday. I should never have broken up with E. It wasn't only her issues that influenced me to break up, I let peer pressure get to me. I loved her and she loved me too (I think) but as we weren't like other couples so I thought we were a bad couple. I don't know how much I hurt her. Given she still has those feelings for me do you think she'll have me back?

[teller-of-tales]

I'm good at being annoying lol, I annoyed her one time until she would let me adorn her hair full of pink crests, then I made her dress in a pink top with a skirt too, she looked really cute in it.

 

Haha, E wasn't lying when she said you were her exception to just about everything.

 

Don't brood too much about how you shouldn't have broken up with her. It's already happened, and beating yourself up over it won't change that.

 

E seems to be an unusually strong-willed person, but given her feelings for you, I think you have a good chance of getting back together.

[Wayfara]

Don't be too hard on me but I think I let things go too heavy and physical I never saw her Friday, she called me Thursday night from her brother's cell phone and told me she couldn't come, we agreed we would see each other Monday instead (yesterday).

 

Well we got a bit tipsy at the pub but I didn't feel comfortable to have "the talk" right there. My mother is with my aunt so I convinced E to follow me home to see my kitten, which was the the best excuse I could make up. Well she thought it was cute and then she thought she should be heading home. I wanted to buy more time so I said I had some drawings to show her at my room too and I like took her hand and was like "pleeaase" until she let me lead her up for the stairs.

 

Anyway so we sat down on my bed to look at the drawings. It felt so peaceful sitting there with her, I rested my head on her shoulder which she seemed okay with. Then I got a urge to tickle her like old days, she's so ticklish, but then she caught my hands... There was something about that moment that made me miss her so much. I told her I wanted to try again with her. Well she thought I was feeling lonely because I missed my "boyfriend" (he never was my boyfriend). I thought it would make her happy to know it was my feelings for her that were the reason I pulled the plug with M. She just said "I hope you're joking" which I told her I wasn't and she was horrified, she was like "You can't just dump someone because of me" and I asked her why I couldn't.

 

She basically told me she doesn't want to mess up her life with getting involved in anything with me, be it ambiguous, concrete or whatever, because she's very content with her life now without me in it, and that if I had asked her earlier she would have told me this and I wouldn't had to dump someone. I had prepared myself she would say something like that and I thought to would be able to keep my head cool, but I suppose really hearing the words hurt me more than I thought it would and I surprised myself with crying. Well she was like "No, you don't have to cry" and she pulled me into a hug trying to soothe me. I was still sobbing a lot but it felt really comforting in her arms, I like wished she would hold me that tight forever. She said that dumping her was one of the smartest things I ever did, I had good reasons and those reasons were still there, I wouldn't be happy with her so I would just dump her again.

 

Anyway when our long hug was over she said she should be going home. I told her if she just got over her sexual phobias I wouldn't have any reason to break up with her again. Well she looked really miffed.

E: "Yeah so you wouldn't dump me if we exchange slimy body fluids... So generous of you."

I tried to explain my position, she asked how I would even know if she would live up to my terms if I now would take her back, and when I took time to answer she leaned in and was like "You want an audition first, so you know?" in a sarcastic tone. She was so close to me, I couldn't really think out something smart to say because of nervousness and my heart pounding so much, I was dying to touch her so I like stroked her arm hoping it would appease her. We looked at each other for what felt like an eternity and she took my face between her hands. When she kissed me it felt so alleviating to not have to resist anymore. I naturally kissed her back and everything felt so right and soon we were making out... I wanted her to touch me so I like guided her hand to inside my shirt and she like pulled my shirt off altogether. I managed to remove her shirt too (she still had her bra on though) but when I went for her belt she froze up so I said it was okay and tried to be content that she at least had let me remove her shirt.

 

Anyway it got pretty steamy and in the heat of the moment I told her she could do whatever she wanted with me. Well she pushed me down on my back and she continued kissing me from there. It felt exciting in the weird raw animalistic way. It also felt shocking and frightening that I was really actually going to be intimate with someone for the first time but I wanted to be with her that way so much so I didn't care. Anyway I don't think I can call myself a virgin anymore but I was happy it was with her, it was passionate and she was gentle, telling me I was beautiful. It's embarrassing but I teared up when I came, I wasn't sad but it wasn't the typical happy tears either, it was just that all kinds of emotions and feelings were going around in me and they just came out. I also told her I loved her, I suppose I got emotional. But afterward I was feeling really happy and she seemed happy too and we fell asleep each others arms.

 

When I woke up this morning I felt great, having no regrets about what had happened. Then I saw she was staring at the ceiling looking like a ghost, I knew something was wrong. Well then she asked "Did we do anything?" and it was so obvious she had regrets. It hurt so much that she didn't want to recognize what had happened when I was naked in the bed with her. Well I told her as it was "We had sex..." and she was just silent. I was on the verge to start sobbing right then and there. She asked me what time it was and well she had leave right away.

 

I've never gone that far with anyone else, and even with M there was mostly just kissing, I was never unclothed with him. He asked me for hand jobs but I was too squeamish and always postponed it. So going all the way with E was a big deal to me, and the only way I could let it happen is because I trust and love her. Technically the emotionally stake must have been higher for me as it was kind of one-sided, she went down on me but it's no way she would have let me do that to her, I don't even know if it counts as if only I had sex because she didn't even get naked. But being intimate with her was special to me, but she obviously regrets it, I wanted her to be as happy about what happened between us as I was

 

I shouldn't have ended up in bed with her, I should have known she would regret it. I don't know when I'm going to see her, I don't know if she wants to see me. What should I do?

[stormie]

Wow! Reading this bit was like a turning point in a good soap!

 

Expect her to be distant for a while. This could turn either very good or bad. Are you also her first? Either way, I'm sure she has you on her mind a lot these days now.

 

If she doesn't contact you, I guess send her a little note telling her how you love her, etc.

 

I hope it works out well.

[Wayfara]

This could turn either very good or bad. Are you also her first? Either way, I'm sure she has you on her mind a lot these days now.

 

I think I was. She has said I was her first kiss and I think she has said something like she never wanted to try out sex because it looked slimy and repulsive or something like that. She denied ever getting taken sexually advantage of and she seemed to hate the whole idea of sex so I assumed she had never had sex when we were together. But things can have happened since we broke up, it's a year, for a normal person it could mean a lot sex.

 

Do you think she blames me for what happened? We were not drunk, but we were tipsy. Did I push her to things she wasn't comfortable with? I'm sacred she hates me for what happened.

 

Who should be the first one to take contact? We didn't decide anything, she was in such hurry to leave, maybe she just wants forget it ever happened How long should I wait before I contact her? Right now it feels like it was just a booty call with an ex, I feel like an idiot, I should have asked her if she loves me first, not just sleep with her when I don't know if she wants to get back together.

[Wayfara]

Well she regrets what happened. She put a letter in my mailbox. I saw her through the window and knocked, she saw me and pointed at the mailbox and she put in the letter there, and well then she went.

 

It's a three pages long handwritten letter.

 

Well she's utterly disgusted by her actions. She apologizes for her pitiful self control, she says she was confused and intoxicated. She confesses she has residual feelings for me but it appalls her how I come with conditions to her like it's granted she would want to get back together with me. She has never blamed me for dumping her but when I make a decision I should stick to that decision and not confuse her with wanting to revert the dumping when she has moved on, she says she was doing fine until I came. She hopes we can suppress our horrible drunken mistake and she doesn't want us to aggravate the already done damage with further contact. Well she hopes I will have a good happy life, and although she doesn't want to get back together with me she respects and likes me as human being etc.

 

I'm moving out in a month and a half, it's 30 minutes away from here with car, it's in another town so we won't bump into each other. I've cried so much over her over the years that it's crazy. Anyway I'll do as she wants, no more contact.

[stormie]

I guess it's the end of this thread then? Im sorry you are feeling so much pain.

 

The weird thing about this whole experience is that unlike everyone here who cries over their ex's - with E, she actually has feelings for you. It's just that she doesn't know how to deal with them. I don't know... I thnk that her mother did a great disservice to her by leading that lifestyle.

 

E needs some kind of reassurance - like something that will tell her that you're not out to take some kind of an advantage of her... that you really do love her, that you are not just going through a phase of some sort. Only I'm not sure what or how I'd go about it. But since you've already decided on the no contact, Im not sure if it's worth trying to figure this out at this point.

[teller-of-tales]

I'm sorry things turned out like this, you must be feeling terrible.

 

It's always depressing when 2 people who obviously love each other don't get together for whatever reason. But since E's mind is set, I think it's time to let her go. You've already done so much, the rest is up to her to figure out. I don't think she likes herself much at the moment (for giving in to her desires and doing something she thinks she shouldn't have) so seeking her out at this point probably wouldn't be a good idea. Make use of the time you'll be away to move on.

 

Anyway, please don't be too hard on yourself. The reason you can't be together is because you both have very different ideas about you want, and such a fundamental difference was always going to be difficult to reconcile. You come accross in your posts as a very attractive, warm and fun-loving person, and I hope you find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

 

All the best.

[Wayfara]

E needs some kind of reassurance - like something that will tell her that you're not out to take some kind of an advantage of her... that you really do love her, that you are not just going through a phase of some sort. Only I'm not sure what or how I'd go about it. But since you've already decided on the no contact, Im not sure if it's worth trying to figure this out at this point.

 

She feels insulted by my whole attitude apparently, that I'm presumptuous acting like she had been bargaining and begging me to give her a second chance and that I was requiring the relationship to be sexual (why did she sleep with me in that case?). Ironically her letter reads a lot like a love letter the parts that aren't angry or about her disgust for what happened, it's as confusing as it can get. I dreamed last night I was having a long talk to her about what happened and I was so happy that she was so understanding, but then the dream me felt something wasn't right and that it couldn't be real, and I woke up I never meant to cause her pain. I want to run to her door, talk to her, make everything alright again but it would not be respecting her wishes, she wrote she would appreciate it if I didn't contact her, and if that would make her just a little happier... well then I should do that.

 

Well if a friend told me to never talk to her again after an argument I would probably assume she didn't really mean it, let her cool down a couple days and then make up with her. But I don't know what I can say to E, she's probably not anywhere emotionally ready to have a real relationship. While we were together, and I tried to make a point in not expecting anything, and while nothing physical happened between us the relationship was pretty drama-free, but I wanted more than she could give me. It would have saved us both a lot tears if I hadn't fallen for her I suppose.

 

You come accross in your posts as a very attractive, warm and fun-loving person, and I hope you find someone who loves you the way you deserve to be loved.

 

Thanks for the compliment, I have my days of low self-confidence. Well sometimes my self-confidence can go the other extreme too, which might not be so great lol, so I try to keep it in check. Anyway I charmed the pants of someone yesterday (in a nonsexual way) and I do think E was charmed by me, sometimes I think she just couldn't help liking me, and that's how I felt with her too.

 

E has made me question myself so much. Do I like emotionally unavailable people (like M says)? Do I want someone to fix and "heal" with love? Am I addicted to the butterflies? I thought it was relieving when my infatuation dulled down a bit, it didn't make me love her less, well I always had butterflies when we kissed but that's a turn on for most. Being too excited to sleep or concentrate is wearying, the body needs sleep and I like being able to concentrate on my stuff. Anyway when I started to see her again it brought back some of that over the top excitement but I like it better when I'm not too excited. It has scared me so much that I maybe fell in love for the wrong reasons, that I'm damaged in some way, but I would like to believe it's not her issues I found irresistible. I don't know why I love her. It's not really anything particular, I enjoyed spending time with her, I think we just knew how to make each other smile and we bonded a lot over shared interests. I wish we could be friends because I miss the friendship aspect a lot.

 

M and E are like opposites of each other, I should find someone that is something in between I suppose someday when this pain is over.

[norsewoman]

[quote=Wayfara;4347585 Ironically her letter reads a lot like a love letter the parts that aren't angry or about her disgust for what happened, it's as confusing as it can get.

 

I agree.

 

Also, while she protests that sex is disgusting, she is still clearly sexually attracted to you. She didn't have to make love to you, but she did. I think that too much happened too quickly for her on Friday. She's undoubtedly still caught up with the idea of you and M. She might be worried that you'll tire of her and take off with him, or another guy. Let's face it, she's not an easy nut to crack, and she knows this better than anyone.

 

I'd almost send her a letter in a few days, but that's entirely up to you. You may have had enough of this roller coaster ride with E- certainly many people would have given up long before this point.

 

Take care...