Don't know what to do...

[stormie]

Norsewoman - you read my mind. E is soo in love with wayfara! She just doesn't understand her feelings! I was thinking the same thing - for Wayfara to put a heartfelt letter inside E's mailbox. Just don't let E see her.

[Wayfara]

while she protests that sex is disgusting, she is still clearly sexually attracted to you. She didn't have to make love to you, but she did. I think that too much happened too quickly for her on Friday.

 

It's a week today since we were intimate (it was last Monday, not Friday, one of her brothers was in a accident and she was at the hospital so we agreed to meet a few days later). It felt like more than just sex, that she made love to me as you say, but I know she hates that phrase, her mother never had sex she only "made love" so she gets creepy associations. But what did E get out from making love to me when she didn't want to be made love to? If she's sexually attracted to me wouldn't she have wanted me to touch her and well get off too?

 

I mostly regret sleeping with her for her sake. Apparently she felt so disgusted by what she had done that she threw up when she came home. Well she doesn't accuse me for what happened that night, seems in her letter she feels bad for having had sex with me as I have feelings for her so she knew I would be hurt by her withdrawing afterward. I am very much hurt, I'm almost crying now. I want to be with her, there has never been anybody else for me, I've only loved her. But even after all roller coasters I'm not angry at her and I probably never will be, and I'm still glad I crossed my path with her, she's quirky but she's sweet and I'm fond of the memories we made, nobody else is going to be like her. I don't regret my first time was with E, it was with someone I love and care about, it was nerve-racking but I was aroused, and it was wonderful. Emotionally I always had a strong want to give myself to her in the physical way, it's just so heartbreaking when she regrets it so much that I wish lust and emotions hadn't gotten the better of me anyway.

 

She's undoubtedly still caught up with the idea of you and M. She might be worried that you'll tire of her and take off with him, or another guy. Let's face it, she's not an easy nut to crack, and she knows this better than anyone.

 

It's 7 weeks since I broke it off with M, and since I broke it off he has showed me his real face. He used to say my ex was a nut job but his issues are much bigger than hers. Anyway I don't want anything to do with M again, I would feel scared being in relationship with him. I'm so glad I never slept or got together with him.

 

Me taking off with another guy if I was with E, well I lean more toward men but she works for me, she's not too girly and not too butch, she has an androgynous look that doesn't look disguised or dressed up, she simply looks like herself, she doesn't really feel female or male to me, to me she just feels like E and I dig it.

 

I was thinking the same thing - for Wayfara to put a heartfelt letter inside E's mailbox.

 

I've written several letters but I'm not happy with them. I've been going back and forth if I should just let her go so she can sort herself out, I don't want to make her feel anymore disgusted by herself than she already feels. It's hard, I want to be with her, I want to have a life with her. Do you think putting my feelings out there black on white would make her reconsider? She thinks I'm presumptuous, taking it as a given she would want back, should I address that?

[smtkin]

Okay, I'm pretty new here but I spent most of the day reading your adventure. But I really want to put in some thought.

 

I believe both you and E are a great match personality wise. But I want you to ask yourself these two questions. If you can answer them in a reply because I believe it might help you and maybe others give you advice on what do to. First, what does sex mean to her? (Not what you assume it means to her, but what she has said it means to her. I know you've kind of mentioned it before, but its good to rethink about this yourself.) Second, what does sex mean to you?

 

I think the mistake in your relationship with E goes back to the day you decided to be together under her conditions. It was her way or no way like you mentioned before and I don't think you asked yourself these two question at that time which might of helped you. But here is my reasoning for making you answer these two questions now. I believe given sometimes, E will get over her disgust. She never really allowed you to comfort her back then and she probably won't now. Every time a similar situation had come up when you guys were together 2 years back, you would be sent away and she would deal with the disgust herself. Leading to a repeat of the situation later on.

IF.... you decide you wish to try and get her back, I think you need to act now. You need to comfort her disgust because you have never done that before. Think about it this way, you broke down so many of the walls she has ever had up. Even after no contact, you were able to break down her walls again. I'm sure she still loves you, because she would not have given in so easy if it wasn't so. So if you wish to try and get her back, you need to understand that broke down probably her biggest wall, if not last. Though you want to bluntly go and say that you love her and want her back, that isn't the right approach. You should show her, through a letter or a visit to her place (which is difficult but better), that you understand how big it was for her. After that, you need to show her how much it meant to you. That this was your first and you wouldn't have wanted it with anyone else. If you believe sex is a symbol of love and not just getting to a high, then you must explain that to her. The key is understand and compromising.

 

That is my suggestion. I hope it helps. But one last thing before I post this. If you end up talking to her in person, you can not allow your emotions get the best of you. Go in with a plan and follow it.

[Wayfara]

Thanks for your insightful post smtkin.

 

First, what does sex mean to her? (Not what you assume it means to her, but what she has said it means to her. I know you've kind of mentioned it before, but its good to rethink about this yourself.)

 

Well sex means two people are using each other in slimy ways to get a high according to her. Making love is the same thing but with a sickly sweet etiquette attached to it. The high of sex is nature's way to make people addicted to copulating, tricking people to get hitched with kids. I know she has said that if she had been pro sex she would only have it in a commited relationship after waiting six years (well it didn't happen that way).

 

Second, what does sex mean to you?

 

For me sex is showing someone you trust them completely by letting them see you at your most vulnerable, it's one of the most intimate things you can do with your partner. Before a thunderstorm the weather is usually so hot and sultrily that you can't stand it, then the thunderstorm comes with lightning and thunder, and when it's over the weather usually is cooler and breezier again, I think sex does about the same thing but as outlet for your emotional and physical longing for your partner. Well I believe sex can be a purely sexual thing too depending on the situation and the persons involved.

 

Every time a similar situation had come up when you guys were together 2 years back, you would be sent away and she would deal with the disgust herself. Leading to a repeat of the situation later on.

 

I think you need to act now. You need to comfort her disgust because you have never done that before.

 

You should show her, through a letter or a visit to her place (which is difficult but better), that you understand how big it was for her. After that, you need to show her how much it meant to you. That this was your first and you wouldn't have wanted it with anyone else. If you believe sex is a symbol of love and not just getting to a high, then you must explain that to her. The key is understand and compromising.

 

That's true, she always sent me away when she was disgusted in the past. If I write her a letter it's easy for her to just ignore it, so it might be better to show up in person as you say, so she can't ignore me. But how do I prevent her from just sending me away? And how do I make her let me comfort her? She never let me in the past

[smtkin]

But how do I prevent her from just sending me away? And how do I make her let me comfort her? She never let me in the past

 

These two questions are something I think only you can answer because you know her best, but here are two ideas...

 

For actually getting inside, maybe you should try baking some cookies (remember she would always give you cookies she baked?) and pick some flowers. Something personal that has some attachment to both of you. You need to be stronger then ever that you will not be sent away.

 

For when you actually get inside to talk to her, you need to say more than what you guys did was okay. You need to explain and give her examples of why what you guys did was okay.

 

For me sex is showing someone you trust them completely by letting them see you at your most vulnerable, it's one of the most intimate things you can do with your partner. Before a thunderstorm the weather is usually so hot and sultrily that you can't stand it, then the thunderstorm comes with lightning and thunder, and when it's over the weather usually is cooler and breezier again, I think sex does about the same thing but as outlet for your emotional and physical longing for your partner.

 

Telling her something like this and explaining that it was your first and you wouldn't have wanted it with anyone else might help.

 

Other than that, I really don't know... just don't your heart run your mouth, think about what you are going to say and say it.

[stormie]

But what did E get out from making love to me when she didn't want to be made love to? If she's sexually attracted to me wouldn't she have wanted me to touch her and well get off too?

 

My opinion is that E made love to you because she acted upon what had been on her mind. Since she had a few drinks, it was easy for her to let her guard down. It's very obvious that she's attracted to you - she said you were beautiful. I'm not sure why she wouldn't let you reciprocate - I would imagine that if she lets you, it would mean (in her mind) that she's taking advantage of you. But this is just my guess.

 

 

 

I want to be with her, there has never been anybody else for me, I've only loved her. But even after all roller coasters I'm not angry at her and I probably never will be, and I'm still glad I crossed my path with her, she's quirky but she's sweet and I'm fond of the memories we made, nobody else is going to be like her. I don't regret my first time was with E, it was with someone I love and care about, it was nerve-racking but I was aroused, and it was wonderful. Emotionally I always had a strong want to give myself to her in the physical way, it's just so heartbreaking when she regrets it so much that I wish lust and emotions hadn't gotten the better of me anyway.

 

 

This is so heartfelt. It's the kind of thing I'd put on the letter. (if you're up to it of course.)

 

I've been going back and forth if I should just let her go so she can sort herself out, I don't want to make her feel anymore disgusted by herself than she already feels. It's hard, I want to be with her, I want to have a life with her.

 

More things to consider telling her.

 

 

Do you think putting my feelings out there black on white would make her reconsider? She thinks I'm presumptuous, taking it as a given she would want back, should I address that?

 

Yes. I wonder why she'd even think you're presumptious in that way if you never insinuated so. But I guess she must have read you wrong.

 

 

Someone here suggested you go in person. I would write the letter first and if I don't hear from her, I'd follow on that other plan. I just think it's easier for you - in case she gets cold and interrupts you - at least with the letter you would have spoken your mind without interruptions.

[Wayfara]

I've written the letter now saying I understand how big it was for her what happened and that I don't think what we did was bad, that it meant a lot to me and I'm glad my first time was with her. Well then I remind her that I love her and want to be with her, and that I wish we could work out the issues together. I also ask her to come and see me so we can talk about it etc.

 

I'll probably end up crying if I see her in person now, and not get my part said, so I'll let my letter do the talking first. I'll go and toss in my letter in her letter slot today and see if I hear from her. I'll try to bake some cookies too when I come home, there are some recips that might even be simple enough for me to handle. So if she comes I'll have something to treat her with And if I don't hear from her and I'll go and see what's up with her and take the cookies with me, and bribe her with a cookie so she lets me in lol. If both plans fail, well then I suppose I'll have to let her go

[smtkin]

Good luck! I hope for a good result!

[Wayfara]

Well I tossed in the letter in her letter slot Wednesday, but nothing from her. Today I started thinking that she maybe had moved and not gotten my letter. I would have no way to contact her if she moved without saying anything. I was really going through all these worst case scenarios in my head and I got so scared thinking that maybe she had moved and that it was too late. I panicked. I just run away to her place to see if she was still living there. Well, she was at home and she had no plans to move this year so I felt pretty stupid panicking like that. I asked her if she had gotten my letter, she had. She said she hadn't answered my letter because she didn't want to have a discussion. She was very cold... I tried to tell her we had done nothing wrong, she just asked me to leave, didn't give me a chance at all. So I returned home, felt so down after making a fool of myself (I know I should have prepared myself better, I don't know what got into me).

 

At midnight she knocks on the door, I was so shocked to see her, and she asks me to take a walk with her. I tried to invite her inside but she insisted on the walk. So we took an one hour walk talking about jobs, education, news, well formal stuff. Then when we were heading home she asks me to sit on a park bench with her for awhile and talk some more. I ask her if she really thinks I'm presumptuous and she's like "yeah", that I have to be to think I can draw her back in because I promise I wouldn't dump her if there's sex and I know she hates sex, she likes me but not that much. Then she wouldn't talk about that anymore, I think she got uncomfortable because we have had sex (well I didn't point that out to her). We sat on that park bench for an hour, it seemed like she wanted to "talk" but it just never came to it, so we just had a general polite chit-chat about everything else. When it was approaching 2 a.m I suppose she thought she couldn't keep me there any longer. Anyway when she was following me back a couple of guys called us prostitutes (well the other word for it) when they drove by from their car, I don't think I've ever seen E looking so offended and confused. Well back at my house I asked her if she wanted to come in but she just said she was going home. I asked her if we could see each other again, she said nothing was changed and that she had just came to say she's sorry for being rude to me when I came by her place earlier. I'm not sure if I buy that reason but well we hugged goodbye.

 

It's so frustrating because I just have a feeling she wanted to talk and then it never came to that, and the way she looked at me, well it's like we both know how much we care about each other. I don't want to loose her. What do I do?

[stormie]

Well, she obviously likes you as she showed up at your house - how much of a giveaway is that?!

 

I think you should continue to "play the game", and invite her for another walk. That time is perfect - evening/ late evening. Now may be a good time to activate plan 2 - bake the cookies and bring them to her house.

 

I think the key here is not to do or say anything sexual - let her take the initiative if she wishes. Her feelings for you are already there. Now it's time for her to talk.

[Wayfara]

I think you should continue to "play the game", and invite her for another walk. That time is perfect - evening/ late evening. Now may be a good time to activate plan 2 - bake the cookies and bring them to her house.

 

I'll try that. I baked some buns a couple of days ago but something went wrong, they never got bigger in the oven. They are still eatable, but they aren't fluffy and tasty as they should be Baking isn't my forte, but I hope it's the thought that counts?

 

I think the key here is not to do or say anything sexual - let her take the initiative if she wishes. Her feelings for you are already there. Now it's time for her to talk.

 

I'll try to be a good girl. I didn't say or do anything sexual when I saw her yesterday because I didn't want to scare her away, but urges to just kiss and hug her always there.

 

Not sure if this is relevant but she said she had a nightmare about me. In her dream me and her were classmates and she told me a secret and I said I wouldn't tell anyone, then I told the whole class and the police got involved too shooting at her and I was just laughing at the slapstick humor, and then I couldn't understand why she got angry at me. She said that when she woke up she was still angry and thought it was just the type of thing I would do (well I would never do something like that now... but when I was younger I did spread out some things she had told me in our friendlier moments). Anyway she told me with humor and dreams are usually random like that, I just hope it doesn't indicate she doesn't trust my intentions? I actually don't think she has ever told me a good dream about me I'm always doing bad things in her dreams.

[stormie]

Not sure if it's relevant or not - normally I would dismiss dreams, only that dream sounds like her inner subconscious is worried about something. Maybe your past with her and the bullying. It's like she's experiencing anxiety of some sort.

 

I'm sure all sorts of thoughts are racing in her mind about you. Since you were also her first, you must constantly be on her mind.

 

She needs reassurance - maybe from you but definitely from a professional. Not because of the sex part, but just in her general behavior. If you love her and want to work these issues out with her, it's understandable. But prepare yourself for hard work. (not to discourage you - most relationships do take work - just that this one is a little more work

[Wayfara]

I've spent two wonderful days with her, I came over to her place with the buns and we ended up talked to very late. She let me sleep over, we shared bed but her bed is big so no touching happened. The next day we ate breakfast together and we decided to walk to a lake and take a swim there and later we made dinner together. I stayed the night again and we spent the next day together too, it was like we were best friends again. Last night I cuddled up to her and we cuddled. After awhile she rolled me onto my back, got on top of me, breathed into my neck. I thought something would happen, I was excited. Anyway she must have changed her mind because she rolled back to her side of the bed and that was the end of it.

 

This morning I had to go home. Before I had to go we had breakfast and we talked about us. She said it didn't sit right with her to get back together with me as I have sex as condition for a relationship. I told her I was sorry for ever saying anything about the sex part and that if she didn't want to have it I still want to be with her and we could have a relationsip and just do what she's comfortable with. She said no to that suggestion because it wouldn't be fair. She told me I would never have a "normal" relationship with her. Well so during our talk we realized our wants are incompatible. She says I'm wilder than her and need someone who can keep up with me. I cried, and then she was crying too, it was very sad because we both have feelings for each other. I asked her again if we couldn't be friends at least but she thinks it'll be less painful if we aren't.

 

She needs reassurance - maybe from you but definitely from a professional. Not because of the sex part, but just in her general behavior.

 

She doesn't think anything is wrong with her so she would never go to a professional. I suppose in her mind there are only problems when she's with me, and if she's not with me then there are no more problems...

[stormie]

If you continue to see her, there will be another breaking point where she will give in sexually. I'm sure she knows this as she has feelings for you - this is what she wants to avoid.

[pappp]

Hello Wayfara,

I read all your thread from the start. You have a very beautiful story with E, even if painful too.

It seems like you have another chance with her today. I have some questions for you:

 

About sex, would you honestly be willing to have another try at a relationship with her without sex?

It appears to me the absence of sex was painful for you last time. It made you insecure. And it was physically hard for you to withdraw from her touch. Do you really think you can go through this again? I'm not qaying you should not go back with her, that's not what I think. I think what you have together is pretty special.

But you told her you were ready to do this the way she wants to. That's a big sacrifice. Have you thought about it?

Or is it just a way of getting back together, a day by day kind of process?

 

Another thing. You want her. She wants you. You want to express your love through sex and physical affection. She's very obviously physically attracted to you, but psychologically completely resistant to the idea of a sexual relationship. She's so full of contradictions, and tjis dichotomy seems to be very painful most of all for her. She seems very sensitive, does not want to hear anything about it and is very headstrong.

From what I read, I get the impression you are kind of telling her what she wants to hear in some way. For example, telling her you are ok with a relationship without sex, etc... You are very very patient with her, but maybe by being more straightforward about your needs she will understand better where you stand.

My question would be, have you tried confronting her about her cobtradictions. She wants you bad, and she's hurting herself. I understand that she's free. She's not asking for anything. So she does not deserve to be pushed. But have you tried to talk about it with her.

She says love and sex are despicable. Does she have some explanations? Not to argue with her about it but maybe by understanding the roots of her statements you can help her get through it. I feel like she dramatize it so much, and talking about it peacefully could help. Understanding her process and trying to make her see that what she's doing to herself and your relationship is far worse than what sex could ever be. That's just my 2 cents, maybe you've tried this "confronting instead of avoiding" option already and then I'm sorry it did not help.

 

Once again, your story is very special, I'm glad she was your first and I wish you a lot of happiness with or without E. Good luck !

[Wayfara]

If you continue to see her, there will be another breaking point where she will give in sexually. I'm sure she knows this as she has feelings for you - this is what she wants to avoid.

 

Well she extracted a promise from me that I wouldn't try to see her anymore I suppose continue seeing each other would just be painful if she doesn't want to reconcile or be friends. She makes very reasonable arguments and it really does sound like we are incompatible. She asked me again and again to promise her, I didn't want to, but eventually I caved in... I felt I had to, her mind is set and she was like begging me (if we would continue seeing each other it would be like being friends again, and well she doesn't want to be friends and I don't think she trusts herself to send me away if I make a visit).

 

About sex, would you honestly be willing to have another try at a relationship with her without sex? It appears to me the absence of sex was painful for you last time. It made you insecure. And it was physically hard for you to withdraw from her touch. Do you really think you can go through this again?

 

Or is it just a way of getting back together, a day by day kind of process?

 

She seemed so offended that I had brought up the sex thing, I suppose she thinks that if I'm not happy with her as she is I should just not have said anything at all about trying again than coming with conditions, so I said it without much thinking behind. Well she wouldn't feel comfortable if I would make a big sacrifice like that again for her, I should probably be glad she wouldn't agree to it. Anyway if she needed time to get comfortable with sex, months, a year, I wouldn't push her if that's what's she's afraid of (well I don't know how much time she would need). But I don't know if I would make it if we would have a relationship and never ever have sex. I feel loved and wanted when she's physical affectionate with me, and I want to express my feelings physically, and well I am very sexually attracted so sex will be on my mind.

 

maybe by being more straightforward about your needs she will understand better where you stand.

My question would be, have you tried confronting her about her cobtradictions. She wants you bad, and she's hurting herself. I understand that she's free. She's not asking for anything. So she does not deserve to be pushed. But have you tried to talk about it with her.

 

Well that's the problem, she's free and isn't asking for anything at all. How do I make demands when she isn't asking for anything from me? She's willing to give up just about everything just to not have sex. Well she hasn't said anything about love, she has admitted to have "residual" feelings for me but most people do for their past loves and it doesn't mean they would want to get back together with them. If she wanted a relationship with me I could tell her about my needs, but she says she doesn't want one.

 

She says love and sex are despicable. Does she have some explanations?

 

She says love makes people stupid. Her mother told her that "making love" was the meaning of all human life, and she wants her life to have bigger meaning than having sex.

 

make her see that what she's doing to herself and your relationship is far worse than what sex could ever be.

 

I haven't tried to confront her about her contradictions and her beliefs and be more demanding about my needs, do you think I should? I don't know how I would do that without breaking no contact. I promised her I wouldn't contact her Would it be bad if I break that promise?

[Wayfara]

I haven't always been nice, sometimes I'm not nice at all, and sometimes I think my relationship with E is like karma coming back at me. I've a propensity to think I'm greater than I am so maybe this is like a lesson in humility, that things can't always go as I want them to. Well it's also time to learn to let go, not a word from E so I suppose she's serious.

 

E has made me cry like no one else, but I let her, I let myself be hurt, but when I'm older this will be like an ancedote in my life, a silly episode when I fell for this crazy chic. She lives by so ridiculous rigid rules she has to follow. We can't reconcile because "there is a reason for every break-up so exes should never make up", we can't be friends because "exes should never be friends", we can't see each other because "people who aren't friends shouldn't see each other". If she returns my feelings then what she's doing is absurd, so I don't think she can feel the same for me as I do for her or she wouldn't be doing this. I cannot hate her bit I will get over this.

[stormie]

I dont know... she seems so closed to anything. If you're up to it, put a little note in her mailbox - tell her you're going to fight for this love.

 

Otherwise, I guess the best alternative is to let it go...

[Wayfara]

Relatives have been staying at my house and with 16 people in the house there has been a lot going around and I've been distracted from thinking of E while they have been here (well at day time). But now that they are gone and I'm back at square one.

 

One morning I stayed at E's place she woke me up with breakfast at bed for me. Why lavish so much on me if she doesn't want me? Well maybe that's just her way and if she had let B or someone else stay over at her place she would have done the same for them. I can't help thinking of her and B, that something might happen between them someday. He still likes her after all this time and if he is persistent maybe he'll succeed where I didn't. She won't give me a chance because we have a past but if something would start between her and B that would be fresh and new. When we got together she didn't give me much reason to feel jealous, because well, she's very anti everything, I thought it would be pretty unlikely that someone else would take a serious interest in her. When I broke up with her I didn't really worry that much that she maybe would have someone else after me, well until I saw her looking great. She can be very charming in the naive innocent way, and I think I've been mistaken thinking she can't get someone else. And now I'm experiencing some kind of delayed jealousy...

 

I dont know... she seems so closed to anything. If you're up to it, put a little note in her mailbox - tell her you're going to fight for this love.

 

How I would fight for it?

 

Otherwise, I guess the best alternative is to let it go...

 

I'm moving out soon, I'll make one last contact before I move to give her my new address if she changes her mind.

[chocolatemilk]

It's nice to hear some updates from you, unfortunate though that things aren't going in your favour. I hope that everything else in your life/school/career is going well for you.

 

I think that giving her your address would leave things without closure for you again, since you will be waiting and hoping that she'll catch up with you and that may never happen and if she did what are the chances that she would have had a complete u-turn and worked through all her problems so you can live happily ever after?.

 

It might be better for you to make a clean break from this and try to concentrate on moving on. I don't mean into another relationship or looking to date people but to concentrate on your future happiness and whatever is the best possible way to achieve that.

 

At least try to look at the problem from an unclouded perspective.

 

 

On a side note though, have you ever had counseling yourself? I'm not saying you need one per say, it's just everyone has a problem at some point in their life that could do with some unbiased support and advice. It's all well and good to tell someone else to get counseling but in my mind it's a little hypocritical if you haven't ever done so yourself. I'm saying this without any judgment attached of course.

[Wayfara]

It's nice to hear some updates from you, unfortunate though that things aren't going in your favour. I hope that everything else in your life/school/career is going well for you.

 

I have my friends, I like my school, I'm excited to move out, I'm never bored. I'm all around happy with my life, I'm just sad that this part of my life didn't work out as I wanted. Well that's life I guess.

 

I think that giving her your address would leave things without closure for you again, since you will be waiting and hoping that she'll catch up with you and that may never happen and if she did what are the chances that she would have had a complete u-turn and worked through all her problems so you can live happily ever after?.

 

Close to zero lol. She's moving on, I should too, I'm just not sure if I want to burn the bridge. I have a common name, if I don't give her my address she would have to find me through my mother in case she wanted to contact me, and I'm not sure if I can trust my mother to give her my address.

 

On a side note though, have you ever had counseling yourself?

 

The program I'm going requires all students to get one year counseling.

[Wayfara]

It's been about a month since I last posted here. I have moved out and it feels great and exciting although a little scary too, but it's not very far home, 40 minutes with bus.

 

I did seek up E one last time to give her my new address in case she felt like stopping by one day. I told her I had moved and she asked me how it was like living alone etc. I noticed she was like blinking a lot and then she was like turning away from me while still talking to me. I wanted to talk face to face so I walked around and she was covering her face with one of her hands. I was like "Are you crying?" and she was like "No. I'm happy for you," and then she said she was having a headache. Well I cannot swear on what I saw, if she was it wasn't much but it made me happy inside that she was at least a little bit sad that I was moving. I told she could visit me anytime but I don't think she will.

[fiishh]

Wow, I just read your whole story for the first time, and that is quite a story! Was like reading a book.

 

Not sure if I can offer much advice I think it sounds like E very much needs to see a psychologist. Perhaps her problems aren't too serious but she obviously has a real aversion towards intimacy, which is understandable as I'd probably be put off for life if my mother had acted like how her mother has!

 

I kind of scan read most of it, so I apologise for any repetition, but I think what someone else said about her not liking being touched sounds like it could be accurate, which probably makes her feel even more guilty when she gets close to you, like she's done something wrong.

 

If I were in your position (I haven't been in a position anything like this but I have been in love with two girls in my life, so I understand your pain!) I'd not contact her, just to see if she contacts you. If she has your new address and a way of contacting you then it'll mean if she actually does want you then you'll find out. Perhaps tell her this though, maybe in a letter and just say that you're not going to contact her but if she wants you she knows where to find you.

 

But again I do apologise for perhaps repeating what others have said!

 

You should seriously consider writing a book...I literally read this for over 2 hours solid just there, couldn't look away, was like a TV soap!

[Wayfara]

I just found out yesterday that M has been spreading rumors about me and him. I was with one of my friends and she asked me why I never have told her about sleeping with M, I told her I haven't and she tells me M says we have. Apparently he has been telling people that for like half a year... We haven't had sex unless he thinks dry humping me when we both have our clothes on and I'm almost passing out of being silly drunk counts as sex. Anyway I called and asked him why he's telling people lies and at first he's rude and taunts me for having changed my phone number (he kept calling me so I changed it) and then if that isn't enough he tried to make me believe we really had sex that night when I was drunk. He says I liked it and he feels sorry for me for not remembering it. I didn't have any blackout that night, I would have remembered if anything like that would have happened (supposedly it was in all kind of positions too...). It makes me so angered how he can lie to me when he knows I know it's a lie, and be cocky about it too. I know I shouldn't let this affect me but just because he refuses to own up to it's a lie I'm almost starting to doubt myself... But I know it can't have happened, I would have noticed something the next day even if I had blackout I don't remember about.

 

but I think what someone else said about her not liking being touched sounds like it could be accurate, which probably makes her feel even more guilty when she gets close to you, like she's done something wrong.

 

You mean she feels like she's using me when things get physical?

 

If I were in your position (I haven't been in a position anything like this but I have been in love with two girls in my life, so I understand your pain!) I'd not contact her, just to see if she contacts you. If she has your new address and a way of contacting you then it'll mean if she actually does want you then you'll find out. Perhaps tell her this though, maybe in a letter and just say that you're not going to contact her but if she wants you she knows where to find you.

 

Thanks for the advice, I'll do this. I'm going to focus on other things in my life and if she wants me she knows where to find me. Should I write her a letter and remind her, or do you think she got it when I gave her my new address? I'm being silly and worried right now that she might have heard something about M and me from her brother or maybe B, well it wouldn't be her business if I had sex with someone after we broke up and if she believes rumors that would only show she doesn't trust me so I don't know why I'm so worked up over this.

 

You should seriously consider writing a book...I literally read this for over 2 hours solid just there, couldn't look away, was like a TV soap!

 

Thank you. I've been writing stories since I was a kid but something in them that is lacking and they don't feel alive. I got a lot of praise for a short story I wrote as assignment but I borrowed my dead great aunt as main character and I wrote about things that happened at her funeral. My great aunt was very eccentric so my teacher never suspected that most of it was taken from reality. I can retell things I've witnessed or heard about, about people I know, have meet and seen, but when I make a story from scratch it never gets as interesting.

[fiishh]

Sounds pretty malicious and pointless that M would do that but so many people spread those kind of lies when the person they wanted isn't interested, so make them look less needy and more "cool". Be best just to ignore it all and just make sure your friends/family know the truth. Kind of immature for a guy his age really.

 

I was thinking along the lines of perhaps when she got more intimate with you it made her feel "dirty", maybe due to her mum's attitudes to sex. I kind of understand how you feel though, although obviously not to the same extent... but my ex sometimes told me sex made her feel dirty and she'd push me away on occassions, I never understood it but she had a bad experience when she was younger, which is why I think perhaps E feels the way she does about it, but it can be "un-learned", maybe if she sees the better side of it?

 

Focusing on yourself is a very good idea! Best way to try to not think of someone in my opinion, and yes I think you should perhaps write her a short note giving her your address and just saying where you stand, and if she wants to talk to you then your door is always open for her. It'd be best to see if she ever makes an effort because it's been you trying all along and if she actually does have feelings for you then she'll contact you. It's a hard waiting game but just get on with your life and focus on things you enjoy doing in the meantime.

 

You should write more of those stories, I imagine they'd be very well written considering how addictive this one story of your life was! Perhaps you could just write about normal stuff that happens, since you seem to be pretty good at capturing an audience, by the looks of things