Don't know what to do...

[Angel-Bi-420]

Oh my, I have been up ALL night reading these 46 pages. Like recent posters have said. It was like a book i couldn't put down. I'm SO sorry to hear about the break up. I hope both of you guys come to cross each others pathes again.

Good Luck on it all(:

[stormie]

I would have to think about what I personally would do - I need some time to think about this one.

 

She sounds so intriguing. I really do wonder what's going on in her mind - I doubt she doesn't miss you - weren't you basically her only friend? I just wonder how she has that excellent self control where she didn't even call you, or ask how you are during this whole time...

 

Her mysterious ways do make her attractive in some sort, so I can understand why you still feel that sort of pull towards her.

 

Are you really starting to like M? Or do you think he's just a substitute for her loss?

[Wayfara]

I really do wonder what's going on in her mind - I doubt she doesn't miss you - weren't you basically her only friend?

 

Yes basically, I tried to prod her to be more social while we were together, well without success, E is antisocial, she thought being social was boring. Anyway she and her brother are close, she was friendly to his friends, playing cards and board games with them and could even have long conversations with them (if they shared interest in games).

 

I just wonder how she has that excellent self control where she didn't even call you, or ask how you are during this whole time...

 

She has no phone. Her brother called like a week after our breakup and wanted to know what had happened between us. E wouldn't tell him why we broke up apparently, just that it wasn't my fault basically. She had prohibited him to talk about me with her too, well he can be very insisting so he had probably been a plague. I didn't go into details when I told him the reasons for the breakup, would have been embarrassing to talk about his sister's sexual issues with him. While he liked us together he thought a heartbreak could do his sister good. I haven't been in contact with him since. When I bumped into E I asked her how come I never saw her at school, she has changed school, she found she had a stronger passion for something else. The new thing suits her a lot more, so I can definitely see why, but still I wonder if I had something to do with it.

 

Are you really starting to like M? Or do you think he's just a substitute for her loss?

 

Well it's kind of a weird thing between M and I. He's in my circle of friends, anyway he thinks he's something really special and he brags a lot. My other friends think he's cool, but I'm guilty for developing some subconscious need to put him down on earth. I don't intend to, I try to resist, but somehow I always neg him. We get along great and he's a beautiful person in all other ways, but I feel guilty for not always being nice to him. He doesn't seem to care about the half mean things I say, I think he likes it, really weird, it's like it's our thing. I feel like I could really like him in a special way, but I'll probably not be head over ears in love with him as I was with E, and I don't know if that's a good thing, bad thing or just different.

[stormie]

*sigh* what would I do....

 

I would go to her house with the ring. I'd ring her doorbell and try to conversate with her - tell her you miss being her friend. Then give her the ring and tell her you're giving it back to her because it's something important that was meant for her family, etc. Then see how she reacts. (Knowing E, she'd probably just accept it and say goodbye lolol). No seriously, try to reinstate the friendship. Don't talk about the other stuff, let her do that.

 

Now if someone here disagrees with me, please post.

 

And Wayfara, remember, don't talk about the other stuff, just the friendship!

[Wayfara]

I would go to her house with the ring. I'd ring her doorbell and try to conversate with her - tell her you miss being her friend. Then give her the ring and tell her you're giving it back to her because it's something important that was meant for her family, etc. Then see how she reacts. (Knowing E, she'd probably just accept it and say goodbye lolol). No seriously, try to reinstate the friendship. Don't talk about the other stuff, let her do that.

 

Sounds like a plan. I'll think about this one or two days just to see if this is an passing urge for me. It's so lame this thing, I prefer men but I fall for the one exception, a gal with no friends, no phone who is antisocial and antisexual. No one in the real world would understand me for still thinking of her a year after it's over.

 

And Wayfara, remember, don't talk about the other stuff, just the friendship!

 

You don't trust me? lol I would not to try to get back together with her if I go, I know it would only end in another breakup.

 

I saw M yesterday, it was nice. I really like him, and I'm sort of curious about trying sex with a man. I've known him for a couple years but we didn't start to flirt for serious as late as three months ago, 9 months after my breakup. So I don't think he would be a rebound. Anyway normally I'm not super mushy, and to be my normal me I feel a lot for M. Normally my feelings go through my head before they come out of my heart. With E it was different, my feelings never went through my head at all, my heart just pumped out feelings without consideration, and if she was sad, my heart would cry too. I've never been like that with anyone else. I don't know if I fell for her because I felt so acute for her, or if I felt so acute because I was in love. Chicken or the egg? Anyway, can you love without feeling that intensely for them?

[stormie]

Sounds like a plan. I'll think about this one or two days just to see if this is an passing urge for me. It's so lame this thing, I prefer men but I fall for the one exception, a gal with no friends, no phone who is antisocial and antisexual.

 

Let us know how it goes!

 

 

No one in the real world would understand me for still thinking of her a year after it's over.

 

Why not? Many people feel a connection to one soul mate during the course of their lives. I know when my ex left me, I thought about him for a good 3 years. I dont' think there is anything abnormal about that.

 

 

 

With E it was different, my feelings never went through my head at all, my heart just pumped out feelings without consideration, and if she was sad, my heart would cry too. I've never been like that with anyone else. I don't know if I fell for her because I felt so acute for her, or if I felt so acute because I was in love. Chicken or the egg? Anyway, can you love without feeling that intensely for them?

 

 

That is a very good question, and I have thought about this as well.

Sometimes I'm not even sure if there is such a thing as being "gay" or "lesbian" - granted some people identify as such and go all out a certain way but realistically and for some people, is there such a categorization?

 

I believe that people just love who they love. How can one force themselves not to fall in love with someone? We do not choose who we love, we only choose to act out on those feelings.

 

Anyway, I think that as society, we just feel the need to categorize to make things simpler. Like you said you fell in love with someone who is antisocial, anti sex, etc etc. Those are not qualities that most people find attractive, but there is something in her that makes you fall in love with her.

 

To me, it's a mystery - maybe a chemical reaction that takes place in the brain when we connect with certain people, different facets of our personality, or our experience growing up.

[Wayfara]

I've decided I'll go and visit her, I don't care if anymore if it's crazy, I want to see what she says.

 

Let us know how it goes!

I will.

 

Why not? Many people feel a connection to one soul mate during the course of their lives. I know when my ex left me, I thought about him for a good 3 years. I dont' think there is anything abnormal about that.

 

Do you believe in soul mates? I thought it was out of fashion. E and I were together only 19 months. How long were you and your ex together?

 

To me, it's a mystery - maybe a chemical reaction that takes place in the brain when we connect with certain people, different facets of our personality, or our experience growing up.

 

Yeah it must be some strange chemical reaction. When I got to know E it was like a part of me decided wanting to love and be loved by E, and no other love would do, crazy. My mother thinks I'm a bit cold, I sort of feel with my brain. It felt refreshing with E because I've never felt feelings that way before, her pain was my pain, it felt so natural to love, to mean something to her was strangely important to me. Well of course I like to be liked, but if M told me he didn't like me anymore it would sting, but I don't think I would loose too much sleep over it. I truly feel for him, but his pain is not my pain in that direct way. Anyway I suppose I wonder if the "your pain is my pain" is necessary to love, because if it is I'm kind of out of luck because I feel with my brain, anything else is extremely rare for me.

[stormie]

Do you believe in soul mates? I thought it was out of fashion. E and I were together only 19 months. How long were you and your ex together?

 

 

Well, to me it has nothing to do with style or fashion. It's what the person feels. Some people encounter their soulmates, others never do, hence the reason why some people do not believe in soulmates. My ex and I were together for 12 years. I've been seperated from him for 4 years to date, but I cried over him for 3 years. THis is the first year that I'm literally over him and moved on.

 

Yeah it must be some strange chemical reaction. When I got to know E it was like a part of me decided wanting to love and be loved by E, and no other love would do, crazy. My mother thinks I'm a bit cold, I sort of feel with my brain. It felt refreshing with E because I've never felt feelings that way before, her pain was my pain, it felt so natural to love, to mean something to her was strangely important to me. Well of course I like to be liked, but if M told me he didn't like me anymore it would sting, but I don't think I would loose too much sleep over it. I truly feel for him, but his pain is not my pain in that direct way. Anyway I suppose I wonder if the "your pain is my pain" is necessary to love, because if it is I'm kind of out of luck because I feel with my brain, anything else is extremely rare for me.

 

Honestly, feelings of "your pain is my pain" is a type of love. But it doens't necessarily have to do with being in love with a person, only sympathizing with them. Of course, I'm not inside of you, but I don't doubt that youre still in love with her.

 

As for M, do you think that the reason why his loss would only sting is because you already have him - sort of speak? Since you don't have E, maybe your feelings for her are strong because you cannot get her? Just a thought.

 

When do you plan to visit her?

[Wayfara]

I went there yesterday, prepared myself mentally to knock her door, knocked, no one opened, not a single sound, I don't think she was at home. I was very nervous just from the knocking so it was relieving in a way, but so disapointing in too. Could this been a sign I shouldn't mess with the past? Well I'll try again later today, if she's still not at home I'll see it as a sign.

 

As for M, do you think that the reason why his loss would only sting is because you already have him - sort of speak? Since you don't have E, maybe your feelings for her are strong because you cannot get her? Just a thought.

 

I don't know, I've been thinking about it. It would be rather sick if it was like that, only wanting what I can't have, but it's a possibility. But M is not a doormat, I don't think he would be too hurt if he can't have me. I just don't feel I care that much if he likes me romantically, I would be far more hurt if he didn't want to be friends anymore, because I've gotten attached to him. Maybe I only like him as a friend? But it doesn't make much sense, I'm attracted to him, and he's confident, charming, we get along great. It's different than what I had with E, but perhaps it just mean it's different, not better or worse.

 

I don't know why I fell so hard for my ex, I just knew we would click, even back when I was a torment to her. She must have felt the connection too or she wouldn't have agreed to being friends. I know it might sound in this thread she was my polar opposite, but it felt as we had much in common too. We could talk for hours, or just be silent and still not get bored.

[stormie]

How did it go? Did you try again?

[Wayfara]

How did it go? Did you try again?

 

I did, it was so great seeing her, talking to her again, like no time time had past at all. But she then she just ruins everthing! So typical of her to make everything impossible. Well we won't be friends now.

 

I'll give the long version tomorrow, feels like I'm going to fall asleep any moment.

[Wayfara]

I saw E last Monday. I went there, knocked on her door but as nervy as I was I almost hoped she wouldn't be at home like earlier. But that time she was. I rambled up wanting to return the ring as it belonged to her family. She said it was a gift so she hadn't asked for it back, but she thanked me and accepted it. Then it got more and awkward as we were just standing by the door opening not saying anything, well I finally mustered up to ask her if she would let me in so we could talk and she was like "okay". We were both a little uneasy at the beginning, she was sorry for not having any tea or coffee left and for the untidiness (she's a neat freak so it just looked normal), I told her it didn't matter. Anyway she asked me if I'm seeing M, I said that I am, well sort of. I asked her if she was seeing someone too, she was like "you know how bad girlfriend I am". Well after the first awkwardness we just sat around the kitchen table talking about nothing and everything for almost three hours and everything felt so very wonderful, much better than I remembered it like.

 

I told her I had missed her, she said she had missed me too. So I thought it was obvious we should be friends again. Well she didn't think we should as I have boyfriend... I thought it was a silly excuse, M and I aren't even exclusive, I told her she could feel safe, nothing inappropriate would happen but she was in her "exes shouldn't be friends" mode, while I reassured her over and over nothing would happen. So what does she do? She rises from the table and walks off to where I sit, and I was starting to have funny feelings and blushing (embarrassing), and she reaches over and kisses me right next to my mouth, and she asked me if I still thought friends would work. She had no right to do that just for demonstration so she could ruin everything. Anyway it ended with me stamping home.

 

I'm really disappointed it always must be her way or the highway, that she wouldn't even give it a chance. Well, well, her decision so I won't dwell. I don't know what's her deal with acting like she would try for more than friends when she wouldn't sleep with me when we were together, but if I go and see her again it would be admitting I want her still. I should have pushed her away, I thought she would kiss me for real but for that moment I was more aflutter than anything, I'm still attracted to her. Well maybe she's right and it wouldn't have worked out.

 

I'm sorry for not updating when I said I would, my dad came last week and he's in really bad shape (I still live at home, but I'm moving out to the fall).

[pamauz91]

I wonder if the reason she's trying to distance herself from you is to protect you. In the sense that she doesn't want to stay friends because the memories of your relationship will be prominent with the constant reminder.

In one of your previous post, she said that she respected the fact that you weren't scared. Maybe she's scared of having you around as a friend because you are probably a big temptation to her and it makes it hard for her not to break out of her norm.

It's kind of a more optimistic view... kind of... like she wants you but she has a greater desire to protect you.

 

This didn't really help with the situation... but just trying to give a different point of view, that's all.

[stormie]

I"m sorry Wayfara, but in this case, I agree with E.

 

It's obvious that E cannot be "just friends" as she still has feelings for you. Whether or not she knows how to express those feelings is another issue, but the fact that those feelings for you are there for her is obvious.

 

Exes cannot be friends when one has feelings for the other and that other is "casually seeing" other people.

 

On another note, E has a problem expressing herself sexually because of the way she was raised. It doesn't mean she doens't feel anything for you, it just means she needs help expressing it. Whether you want to have the patience for her repression is another story.

[Wayfara]

Thanks for the input.

 

I wonder if the reason she's trying to distance herself from you is to protect you.

 

And from what do you think she would she want to protect me? Herself?

 

It's obvious that E cannot be "just friends" as she still has feelings for you.

 

She said she feels lighter without a girlfriend on her conscience when I was there. Her first objection to why we shouldn't be friends was that it wouldn't be fair to my boyfriend. It really felt like she did what she did to sabotage my argument because she had no want to change her rule that exes shouldn't be friends. She's very stubborn about her rules.

 

Whether you want to have the patience for her repression is another story.

 

I wanted to have that patience when we got together, but it was much harder than I thought it would be. I didn't know I would crave sexual intimacy so much, it was like always being hungry. My libido has dropped since I'm single, well I still get horny and I've been planning to let sex happen soon with M but it would be more for fun than craving it. Anyway rejection took emotional toll on me and I doubted her feelings, especially as she wasn't very verbal about them, breaking up was my emotional response to getting rejected once again. I've had regrets about breaking up, if I had been more patient maybe we would have worked it out I don't know. But it's been a year, feels like it's too late to undo the breakup now and I don't know if I could handle it any more maturely now than then.

[pamauz91]

Well, yes. She may still have feelings but knows she cant satisfy your needs and that you'd be 'happier' in a sense (as in 'I rather see you happy with someone else than see you discontent when we're together') with out her around to tempt you, or even her.

If you two were to stay friends, it might cause you two to lapse into a cycle, possibly making a more complicated situation.

 

The way I see it (kind of what I stand by) is if you two were meant to be apart of each others lives then it will happen; could be when you least expect it.

[Wayfara]

My dad is at the hospital right now. He was out drinking yesterday and he was mixing alcohol and some other stuff. He's going to survive and probably be fine, we'll get some test result tonight. He's no longer unconcious, more like in a deep sleep now. But it was a big scare and my mother was acting like I didn't care I wish I could talk to my ex, because I know she would care and not try to make me feel guilty as my mother.

 

She may still have feelings but knows she cant satisfy your needs and that you'd be 'happier' in a sense (as in 'I rather see you happy with someone else than see you discontent when we're together') with out her around to tempt you, or even her.

 

It may be, she used to say she wanted me to be happy, and when I was discontent with her it always seemed like she thought breaking up would be a solution to the problem. But we could have been happy if not for one thing. If she had just got over her issues we would have been happy, feels like a waste.

 

If you two were to stay friends, it might cause you two to lapse into a cycle, possibly making a more complicated situation.

 

Possibly, well it was probably a blessing in disguise she didn't want to.

 

It must be obvious to E I'm open for reconciliation if she works out her issues, isn't it?

[stormie]

It must be obvious to E I'm open for reconciliation if she works out her issues, isn't it?

 

 

No, because you told her that you're "casually seeing" other people and then you stormed out when she kissed you.

Think about it this way, if she did that to you would it be clear to you?

 

I think it may be something she may assume, but assumptions are never good.

[Wayfara]

I wasn't really interested in meeting someone new after my breakup, but I've been friends with M for almost 3 years and 3,5 months ago I got drunk, he comforted me and we hooked up (well it never went to sex and I'm relieved it didn't). I like him but I'm not over my breakup so I don't want to rush into a new relationship and he has told me not to worry about it. Well we are flirty and we have made out some (no sex yet). M is the only one I'm seeing and have been seeing since my breakup, I don't know about him.

 

No, because you told her that you're "casually seeing" other people and then you stormed out when she kissed you.

 

She asked me if I was seeing M, she saw me with him when we run into each other so there was no denying. She thought friends wouldn't be appropriate and I assured her over and over again nothing inappropriate would happen, she kissed me out of pure cussedness to make it inappropriate.

 

Think about it this way, if she did that to you would it be clear to you?

 

No, you're right. I overreacted by storming out, I was so excited about becoming friends with her again, I miss her as crazy (and I'm crazy for missing her as much as I do but I do) but if she's going to kiss me when we hang out (she wanted imply she was going to do that) we can't be friends, I got upset by her stubbornness because it meant we wouldn't be friends again.

 

I like M, I want to give it a chance and I'm afraid I would be weak if I go back to E. But I miss her, I thought friends would be the perfect middle way. E wasn't abusive, but my friends, and my mother in specifically, always talked of her like she was, and when you hear it enough times you almost believe it (well then my mother got upset when we broke up, go figure). Nothing was really wrong beside E's obvious hangups, I was crazy about her. And as much I want to give things with M a chance, if E would work out her issues and want to try again I would in a heartbeat (I just don't see it as very likely).

 

I think it may be something she may assume, but assumptions are never good.

 

Do I tell her? Didn't sound like she wanted to come over her issues last time we talked and I'm not sure if she still has feelings for me. And should I? Wouldn't it be like moving backwards in my healing? And what do I do with M? If I contact my ex for this it would feel like putting him as plan B.

[pamauz91]

Hope your father's doing better now.

 

Well, she knows she can't make you completely happy now. She might be trying to change herself slowly and it's a personal growth so it will be (hopefully) easier for her to come to terms with it by herself.

 

I agree with stormie. You've been giving her mixed signals.

 

M seems to be kind of your rebound guy... Not sure if it would be a good idea to settle.

I think you should give it a bit more time; see if anything else unravels. (I know its been a year(i think?) or so since you two broke up and that is a lot of time) But for her to show up again after so long may count for something.

 

Don't get wrong though, I'm not trying to feed false hope but there are a lot of ways to see a situation and it's kind of one way I interpreted it.

[Wayfara]

Hope your father's doing better now.

 

When I visited my father at the hospital he was still being monitored but was awake when we came and seemed happier than I've seen him on a very long time. And he didn't have pain, was sober and didn't even feel any abstinence for the alcohol. They let him come home yesterday. If they hadn't found him in time he would have died or if they had found him a bit later he would been forced to a liver transplantation, and now just a few days later he's feeling great, like it never happened. If he could stay in this version forever, sober and happy, that would be amazing, it's nice to see him smiling once in awhile.

 

M seems to be kind of your rebound guy... Not sure if it would be a good idea to settle.

 

I'm going to break it off with him, he wants me to sleep over at his place next weekend, and I'm pretty sure he wants that to include sex, and I'm not sure if I really want to go there with him, so basically I'm doing the same thing to him like E did to me, and it's not fair to him. Making out with him isn't bad, I get into the mood, but it could be better too if I was more into it emotionally. And afterward I feel like I don't like myself. I cried the day after our first hookup, felt as I had cheated on my ex by making out with him, cheated on myself, and this going to sound ridiculous but before I had only kissed one person, that being E, and while we were together I was happy about only having shared that with her, and when I had made out with M that was no longer true and that made me more sad than anything. But I took it as part of the moving on process, and I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't letting my ex holding me back from making new romantic and sexual connections, and I had already made out with M, it was done, and there was some attraction going on so I told myself to go with it.

 

(I know its been a year(i think?) or so since you two broke up and that is a lot of time) But for her to show up again after so long may count for something.

 

Not sure if I'm misunderstanding you, but it was me who caved in showing up at her doorstep.

 

She might be trying to change herself slowly and it's a personal growth so it will be (hopefully) easier for her to come to terms with it by herself.

 

I agree with stormie. You've been giving her mixed signals.

 

So should I leave it here to let her have the space she needs to figure herself out? I'm tempted to contact her again just to deter any misunderstandings she could have gotten by my mixed signals.

 

I've had much regret about the breakup, sometimes I feel like I left her prematurely. Do you think she would have come over her issues with intimacy if I just had given her more time? Am I nuts for reminiscing the relationship?

[stormie]

You know what? If you really do have an attraction for this person and you really do want to be with her, AND you feel you have enough energy to be patient with her as she overcomes her emotional difficulties, then make one last appearance. Make yourself perfectly clear as to what you would like in this relationship i.e. friendship first, or whatever it is that you want. Make no room for assumptions.

 

See if she wants to work it out. If you're clear and she's not interested and tells you so, then there comes a time when you simply have to let it go and move on.

 

 

I liked my initial idea - to be friends all over again. But if she doesnt' feel comfortable with that then that's something you have to respect. Other than that, after you've communicated your points with her, really listen to what it is that she wants. You may be surprised.

[pamauz91]

That's good to hear that your father is happy, sober and doing better for now.

 

What I meant by E showing up again, was when you bumped into her when you were out with M. Maybe a coincidental meeting but maybe not.

 

There's always a possibly that she'll get over her issues but these things need time and sometimes a push in the right direction.

 

You could confront it head on as stormie has suggested or give her the time and space. There's pros and cons to both decisions and only you can make the choice because you know yourself and E best (from all of us here online, at least).

[Wayfara]

Well I talked to M yesterday, I told him I still had feelings for my ex, it's the first time I use the ex excuse and it's true. He said if I'm going back to my ex I'll be miserable, but if I want to be stupid it's my decision. He also said he had much to give to a woman I didn't know about. Anyway he was pretty wry but we are going to stay friends as we share many friends. I'm feeling guilty for having lead him on, but it seemed like he wanted it be non-serious too. I don't know why I let his bragging irritate me so much when I'm pretty full of myself too, but he deserves someone who's crazy about him.

 

What I meant by E showing up again, was when you bumped into her when you were out with M. Maybe a coincidental meeting but maybe not.

 

I'm pretty sure it was coincidental, it's a small town, I thought it would happen earlier. It's no chance she would have known I was going to be at that street at that time and she looked surprised, like she didn't know if she was going to say hi or walk by.

 

Make yourself perfectly clear as to what you would like in this relationship i.e. friendship first, or whatever it is that you want. Make no room for assumptions.

 

When I went to see her last time I just wanted to reconcile the friendship and not mess things up by getting involved with her again (well if I wasn't absolutely sure she had changed), and two-timing M with my ex wouldn't be fair. But I wouldn't demand friendship first if we are getting back together.

 

I think I'll go and see E tomorrow if only to get closure. I'll tell her I miss her, tell her the reason why I broke up with her and that if she has changed at that point and she wants to try again she can tell me. Then I'll listen to what she has to say. If she's not interested or says she still thinks sex is the most disgusting thing ever, well I'll have to let it go and wish her a good life (assuming she hasn't changed about not wanting to be friends). Does this sound reasonable? I'm already nervous.

 

There's always a possibly that she'll get over her issues but these things need time and sometimes a push in the right direction. *

 

I know, maybe I can tell her I can give her time if she needs more time. This is so difficult, I don't know what method would work best. How would you give a push in the right direction without being too pushy?

[pamauz91]

idk, if this is a little late, as in you may have already gone to see her.

 

Talking to her is not a bad idea. This way, you're laying everything out onto a table and you can see where to go from there.

 

If there is no possible reconciliation then the best thing is to move on... If you were meant to be, you two will find each other again. If not, well, there's someone out there who will be the missing piece in your puzzle.