Don't know what to do...

[Deviant_Kate]

Maybe I'm a little prone to make drastic conclusions, lol. I’m not used to see her actually cry so I thought it was something terrible wrong going on, that she was so unhappy being with me. And it doesn’t help that whenever she’s upset she’s always defensive, it’s hard to comfort someone who doesn’t want comfort.

 

My girlfriend doesn't have nearly the problems E is stuck with, but when she cries, she HATES having people try to comfort her - she says it just makes her cry harder and that it's embarrassing.

 

I'm sure that's all that was from E.

 

Its not my place to say this, but I don't think you should have broken up with her - it only reinforces her negative beliefs about relationships. She was probably crying because she was upset that she couldn't let herself be undressed by you - I bet she has a lot of guilt about how she treats you when things get too heated and she pushes you away.

 

I think she needs you to tell her that it's okay if she needs to back off when things get scary for her. I think she also needs to be the one that makes the moves - when she's comfortable being undressed, she'll undress herself or she'll tell you she's ready. It's not really fair to you, but fair goes out the window when it comes to problems like E has. You have to have superhuman patience. It's a lot to expect of you, but if you want her and love her...it's not as hard.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world - If you choose to try to make things work, it's going to be a long bumpy road, but I think it will be worth it.

[Wayfara]

Well I saw her Sunday. She asked me if I had come for the things I had forgotten at her place, that she had put them all in a bag, yeah she was very cold at the beginning. I started to explain how it alarmed me seeing her cry and she said I didn’t owe her any explanation, that I did whatever I wanted, that she was sure that breaking up because the girlfriend was crying was just as good as any other reason (it did sound pretty comical in a weird way when she put it that way lol). Anyway I said that her crying made me think that the relationship was a burden on her. She said that she hadn't told me anything about the realtionship being a burden, that she just happened to get sad and nothing else.

 

I told her I loved her and that I wanted to be with her. I said I wanted to give us another try, that we could take things slow as I was happy just being with her but that I wanted her to want to be in the relationship and not because she feels she has to and that we could go back to be friends if that was what she wanted because I just wanted her to be happy. Her first comment was something like “But you’ll go out with guys then.” Then she said she didn’t suggest or agree to things she really didn’t want. She said that she wanted me to be happy too but that she was unsure how happy I would be with her but if I was willing to give it another try she was willing too. Then she hugged me, it felt very warm and cosy and I was like wanting to hold on to her forever.

 

Anyway I reminded her about the agreement that we would tell each other if something bothered us. She said she would tell me if it had to with me but that some things were private matters and nobody’s business, well, well. Anyway I disclosed some of my insecurities, that I was worried that she just said we could get together to please me. She just chuckled saying that she was very egoistical, that her family used to call her a stubborn no sayer as she never agreed to anything just to be nice. Then she said that if she some rare time indeed agreed to something to be nice she had to like that person tons/to excess because she was to her nature very egoistical. Well she told me too that if I didn’t ask very much of her she would do the same favour to me. She was in a very good mood at the end and I’m happy we worked this out I’ll see her again later today.

 

what she said about what she's done has nothing to do with affection worries me a bit. if it hasn't to do with affection then what does it have to do with?

 

Well I don’t really know what she meant but my guess would be that as she says sex is two people using each other to get sexual gratification and that making love is the same just with a romantic label (which she thinks is hypocritical) maybe she means she was trying to use me. But if she truly kisses me etc merely because she’s horny and I’m the only one available I don’t know what to think of it. I enjoy what she does but I would rather have it that she’s doing it not just because of her raging hormones but because she likes me too. Maybe I’m disrespectful to myself for letting her do what she likes with me just like that but when it happens I get a bit carried away and I’m not thinking straight.

 

i've noticed that if she was the "initiater"she feels secure, like she's incontrol of the situation, but she doesn't like things to be done to her, it makes her uncomfortable and even angry

 

Yeah I have noticed it too. She says that sexual acts are disgusting but she continues to initiate things and it isn’t until I do something to her that she backs off. She hasn’t told me anything about having been sexually abused. The closest thing she has told me, I don’t remember if I have mentioned it earlier, is that one her mother’s boyfriends who used to like go around nude during the mornings had at some points when they both were alone in the kitchen joked about that he knew that she had been looking at his thing and that it used to make her uncomfortable even though it only was joking. I have asked her if he went any further than that and she says he never touched her, that she just disliked his sexual comments.

 

I think she also needs to be the one that makes the moves - when she's comfortable being undressed, she'll undress herself or she'll tell you she's ready. It's not really fair to you, but fair goes out the window when it comes to problems like E has.

 

Should I let her undress me and not try to do the same thing to her until she gets more comfortable with it? Or should I pace her asking if she’s okay with every step she takes? Or maybe both? It would feel weird if I was to get totally undressed while she still would be fully clothed but maybe if she gets used to the situation itself she would eventually mind less getting undressed herself. In one way pacing her sounds like a good idea as it would hopefully prevent any negative after-effects in her after having done “disgusting things” she isn’t comfortable with. In another way I suspect that if I would tell her to take things slow it would make her conscious of the “disgusting things” she’s doing and she would just stop. So what is the smartest approach?

[Deviant_Kate]

Should I let her undress me and not try to do the same thing to her until she gets more comfortable with it? Or should I pace her asking if she’s okay with every step she takes? Or maybe both? It would feel weird if I was to get totally undressed while she still would be fully clothed but maybe if she gets used to the situation itself she would eventually mind less getting undressed herself. In one way pacing her sounds like a good idea as it would hopefully prevent any negative after-effects in her after having done “disgusting things” she isn’t comfortable with. In another way I suspect that if I would tell her to take things slow it would make her conscious of the “disgusting things” she’s doing and she would just stop. So what is the smartest approach?

 

Let her do whatever you're comfortable with letting her do, and try not to make any sudden movements - don't do anything that she hasn't let you do before, unless she asks you to. It's almost like approaching a wild animal - let them make all the decisions or they'll retreat.

[aquatic]

try not to make any sudden movements

LMAO! Why'd I imagine that scenario (soft lights, W and E all cuddly and smooth talking) with Jungle Fever suddenly playing in the background?? lol! Oy. Blast from the past...

 

Way to go Wayfara! Whatever strategy you take, just make sure you two constantly talk. Don't be afraid to ask her.

[Flux]

I'm literallly in stitches at Aquatics comments.. I can see it all in my head LMFAO!!

 

But anyways, enough of my high sugar intake..

 

She is a bit like a wild animal, unpredictable, intimidating and could turn volatile at any time...

 

Take it slow, not so much avoiding sudden movements but just always be aware of what you are doing when your with her. She seems to flip out, in the space of seconds

 

I think you should let her undress you and see if she gets more comfortable, or even don't let her undress you. (I would say try some mind games but this girl is a tough cookie to crack, and it probably won't go the way you want it too lol) But jsut if you feel uncomfortable, tell her, and see what she has to say about it

 

Good luck

[maybetomorrow]

hey there!

I just wanted to stop by and offer come encouragement. It is ultimately up to you to decide what you want to do about this, but I really do think that hanging in there as best as you can will be worth it.

 

Don't give up just yet. Look at you two! You've come so far! Be patient. I'm sure time will let things work out themselves just fine.

 

Best of luck!

[Wayfara]

Lol, jungle fever, wild animal..., almost like if I'm out on safari, you guys are too funny

 

Well I think I’ll let her undress me and hope that she’ll get more comfortable with getting undressed herself with time. But if she gets qualms without me doing anything to her I'll do the pacing.

 

The day before yesterday my mother and father talked to me. I always feel in disadvantage when they are together. First they wanted to know what I did when I was with E. I told them we mostly talked and went out for walks but even though I answered the question they didn’t want to drop the subject. They asked me if she used to touch me a lot, maybe in a sexual manner. They make it sound like she’s a paedophile and I’m just a kid, when I had boyfriend they never were concerned. Well I refused to answer and my father said that we would have a serious talk about this “gay" (the other more derogative version of the word) friend of mine later. Then my mother said that as my father never had met E I had to invite her over one day and my father agreed, he said he wanted to talk to her about this. Anyway they were like smiling all the time and I didn’t get why until my mother said she had wonderful news and she told me she’s pregnant. So it seems that I’ll get a sibling.

 

Yesterday I was with E and I teased her saying that she looked so cute etc, it’s just so fun to see her embarrassed over so simple things. I asked her if I could give her a kiss and she turned downright red but then she said she supposed it was okay as we were a couple and that I didn’t have to ask. I only gave her a peck as she seemed tense about it, it's weird, all the times we have made out she never seemed nervous.

 

Anyway later we were talking in her bed, she having her head in my lap while I was cuddling with her hair (yeah I still get excited over all the small things). She says she's going to tell her mother about having a girlfriend to get over with it. As she didn’t seem very happy about it I asked her why she didn’t wait until she felt more comfortable with it. She said she wasn't nervous, that it was just that she disliked giving her mother right about that she would change her mind about relationships. She said she partly felt like she had failed herself for liking me so much, that no matter how big her determination had been to never see me again she always found herself missing me so much and she said she was angry with herself for not having been able to stick with her decision regardless of what feelings.

 

When I was about to go home she took my face between her hands looked at me for a long while and said she maybe wasn’t very good on showing how much she liked me but that she did like me a lot. I just hugged her and said it was okay. I think she needs some time to get use to being in a relationship as she appearently likes me but doesn't like the idea of it.

 

I just wanted to stop by and offer come encouragement. It is ultimately up to you to decide what you want to do about this, but I really do think that hanging in there as best as you can will be worth it.

 

When I think about E being my girlfriend now it makes me go around smiling, for five and half months ago I would have thought it entirely impossible to get the girl. I think I have been very lucky but then I also think I must have been crazy for pursuing the girl with the big red flag. When I was seventeen I wrote a list about how the man of my dreams would be like. He would be the social kind of guy, so charming that my friends would envy me lol. And well E is nothing like that, she isn’t what people in general would call a good catch and even then I’m head over heels over her.

 

I’m thinking of telling my parents about E and I, I just don’t know how my father will react. I suppose that it’s good that their anger isn’t directed toward me about this thing but I don’t really like how they blame E on everything, like if I’m the victim of "the evil lesbian E" who "converted" me to bisexuality. If anything it was the other way around as it was I who pursued her. As my parents already suspect that something is going on between E and I should I tell them as soon as possible or should I wait a couple of months until my father has gone working again?

 

Well E will come and see me within an hour as my parents are away celebrating my mother’s pregnancy today, we will look at some movie or something.

[Flux]

Congratualtions on your parents bieng pregnant... and good luck with E meeting them. Thought there is a little voice in my head saying its all going to go wrong somewhere..

 

That was cute her going red when you asked for a kiss. It doesn't make a lot of sense her bieng so tense about it though. Maybe you paniced her by asking...

 

God I really wish you luck with your parents, I wish E luck as well. Just arrange an escape plan in case anything goes drastically wrong...

[aquatic]

I think you should wait til your dad leaves and let your mom know first. Gain an ally, in other words And do it alone, ot with E in tow. Pick a good time, sit her down. Tell her you'd like to share something but you need her to listen and not interrupt until it's over, then you'll listen to what she says afterwards. If she interrupts, gently remind her that she promised to listen only, so you can let everything you need said be said. Make a list even, if you think you need it to guide you. Explain everything, esp. the part that it is you who sort of convinced to give this a try.

 

Then after you talk, do listen to what you mom has to say. Cap it off by saying you value what she thinks that's why you wish she gets to know E better.

 

Good luck!

[breeze33]

The relationship still sounds fragile to me. I would advise not inviting E over when your father is there. The last time you did at your mother's request, she grilled her like she was a defendant in a courtroom.

 

Maybe when the relationship is more stable---and E has come to accepted it--- and time has passed, you can invite her over again. You've only been together for 5 months and been through the ups and downs like a washing machine with E. E has a lot of issues to work through. Personally, I think her exposure to her mother's naked lovers and their lovemaking as a child almost borders on some kind of sexual abuse, although they may not have touched her. It's like those older guys who get arrested for exposing themselves to children; it's a form of molestation.

 

So, just take it slow and see where the relationship takes you. DO NOT INVITE HER OVER. I sense it is a trap to grill her. And I also hope that one of these days you move out and be independent of your parents---and live with E.

[Wayfara]

I have been sick for a couple of days, I’m feeling a little better for the moment so I hope I’m on the recovery way.

 

E had a sleepover at my house Saturday to Sunday while my parents were gone. We slept on each side of the bed, she couldn’t possibly have slept any further away from me or she would have fallen off the bed, lol. Anyway we had fun with my father’s vodka (I do feel a bit guilty for serving her alcohol when she was a teetotaller before me). She hasn’t tried to initiate anything, it’s weird that even though she clearly likes undressing me she still feels the need to turn away whenever I’m changing.

 

Anyway I visited E Tuesday evening, I had caught a cold but I didn’t give it much importance in the beginning. When I came she had dinner ready on the table and she had lit candles and used her most fancy plates and glasses.

Me: “So romantic (it’s just too fun to tease her).

And she said something about one had to use the plates and the candle lights sometimes or they would put on dust and then she didn’t want to talk about it more, lol. The food looked very yummy but sadly I could only feel the consistence and no taste as my nose was blocked, so much work for nothing, I feel for her. Anyway after awhile I began to feel worse and she convinced me to lie down on the bed and she put a quilt over me, gave me a cold wet towel and made some hot chocolate. It does feel a bit strange to get looked after like that.

 

She was very nice, after she had made the hot chocolate she was just laying beside me talking to me. I said I was sorry for giving her trouble and she said that she was just glad to be useful once in while. I teased her a bit saying that she would be the perfect caring mother. She said that although she liked children she had had enough with changing diapers and babysitting when growing up, that children were too much of a responsibility. I too think that having children would be too much responsibility for me, I don’t think I would be a good mother. Anyway when it was time for me to go she followed me all the way home.

 

My mother had a talk to me while I was sick in the bed. She asked me if I still liked E, if I hadn’t met some other cute guy etc. I used to change boyfriend pretty often before, my relationships were around two weeks to two months long, I think she’s worried that I’m more serious with E. She says that she’s concerned that I will have a tougher life if I choose a same sex partner. Then she said that she didn’t doubt that E had many good qualities but that she had wanted that I would find a very warm and loving person which she doesn’t think E is. I didn’t say so much back, I was feeling too tired to argue with her. I just wish she would see that E isn’t as bad as she thinks.

 

Anyway I have promised E to come with her when she tells her mother about us. Well she did say I didn’t have to but as she offered to do it for me I thought she would want that. If I feel better tomorrow we’ll go there then. I’m already feeling nervous (almost hoping that I still will be feeling bad tomorrow so I have an excuse not to). I just hope that her mother will take it good. I feel like I have deceived her when she has told me all her worries about E’s lack of sex-life when I don’t think she would have been so open with me if she knew that I was interested in her daughter that way.

 

I think you should wait til your dad leaves and let your mom know first.

 

Yeah you are right, I’ll wait until my father goes to sea again.

 

And I also hope that one of these days you move out and be independent of your parents---and live with E.

 

Yeah it will be a relief when I’m not dependant on them anymore. I’m thinking of maybe taking a study loan and move out but my father have talked to me so many times about how one should never put oneself in debt etc and that the smartest would be that I continued living at home until I’m done with all studies.

 

My mother hasn’t reminded me about inviting E over again but if she does what excuse should I use to why not?

[aquatic]

Get around to telling your mother first (right timing! right timing!). You can gauge from there if it's a good idea for your mom to get to know E better. If your mom seems ok with the idea of you being gay, I actually think your mom can eventually warm up to E.

[mylove]

exactly.i feel there needs to be a bit of relaxation and patience when explainig stuff to your mom...i mean she wasnt that bad with the topic when she discussedd it..i guess...so mite as well try n give in and bring up the positive side of u being with E ...how much of happiness it brings to u,etc...m sure there should be sum amount of understanding that your mum will have...dnt worry...n dont do anything in front of your dad...

[Flux]

(I do feel a bit guilty for serving her alcohol when she was a teetotaller before me)

 

Lets face it, she would have said no if she didn't want to drink it, as stubborn as she is. She's a little party animal really

 

Anways I agree that your mother could get to actually like E, I think your mum might see her as some kind of threat at the moment. It's just a case of how you put it..

 

Though I think she will understand she may act erratically and doom the relationship you have worked so hard for... ever the pessimist is me..

[Wayfara]

I was still coughing a lot Friday so we waited with going to her mother until Saturday. When we came it was just some hour until they were going to have dinner and all her siblings (except her big sister who I have never seen) were there including the teasing brother who apparently eats at his mother’s place most of the days. We went to tell her mother first and E told her that I was her girlfriend. Her mother looked pretty shocked. Anyway the first thing she said was that she would never have thought that I liked girls. The strange thing was that she almost seemed more concerned about me really wanting to be with her daughter than E coming out to her. When the teasing brother came into the room her mother asked him if he knew that E had got herself a girlfriend. He was like laughing saying that he had known all along that something was going on between us and that he figured out that I had a crush on his sister almost immediately while E was still clueless, that she even didn’t get it though he told her about all the signs. Her mother was like “Oh, was that so…”

 

Anyway her mother told the others (didn’t even ask E if she wanted to do it herself before doing it). Well E’s brothers reaction… First they were surprised that E could go and get a girlfriend when she always talked bad about relationships, then they began discussing how lesbians had sex They were like thinking that it was cucumbers and carrots they used. Her mother was also interested in the theme but thought dildos were more commonly used than cucumbers. One of the brothers even thought that lesbians penetrated each other with the breasts (I don’t know how he could think that possible lol). While her brothers were all talking about their assumptions how lesbian sex worked like (they have really kinky fantasies), they were like making remarks about how gross it was and how amazed they were that E would do that sort of things. Then her mother wanted us to enlighten them about the lesbian sex. E was like already angry for all the kinky assumptions and said that just because we were together it didn’t mean we were having sex. Well then they stopped talking about that, probably because E looked so angry.

 

I must say that even though her younger brothers are so grossed out by sex they really have some morbid fascination with it too. Like during the dinner one of brothers accused the other for masturbation as he had seen him doing it in the bathroom when he was spying through the bathroom window. I mean how can someone even think that he has to spy on his brother in the bathroom? Anyway her mother started telling me stories how E had a “territory thinking”, not allowing anybody entering her room without she being there watching while she lived at home, that when she moved out it took several days before her younger brothers even dared to enter the prohibited room. Her mother jokingly said that she had thought that E would get herself a henpecked husband. Well E can be stubborn and so but personally I don’t find her dominant, she’s really quite the opposite and I don’t think she ever would never put pressure or force me to anything, like she’s pretty cautious and she usually lets me decide what we are going to do and so.

 

Sunday I was at E’s place. I asked her for a kiss and she gave me a peck on my cheek, not exactly the same thing, well, well. Anyway E said that if I some day would want to break up I shouldn’t hesitate, that she wouldn’t give me hard time because of it. It’s almost like she’s expecting that we won’t hold any long, besides that we have had a good time, we can be all silly together. Anyway she hasn’t made any move on me since we fooled around and that’s more than two weeks ago, beside the peck on the cheek there has only been one kiss/peck since, which I gave her. If it wasn’t because I know that she most probably would freak out if I did any move on her I would have done that. How can I get her to kiss me more ? Or should I just accept that she doesn’t want to so I don’t pressure her?

 

If your mom seems ok with the idea of you being gay, I actually think your mom can eventually warm up to E.

 

I would really want my mother to like E, or at least accept her but it sounds like she just doesn't like E as a person. Do you think it's the gay thing that bothers her? And that she could warm up to her when she's okay with the gay thing?

 

Well my mother has being nagging on me that I have to invite E over so my father gets the chance to meet her before he goes to seas again. She says that he has the same right as she to get to know my best friend. I have said no until now but she keeps nagging on me, she says that my father has behaved pretty well lately and that he’s sorry for what he said on the telephone and that he’s just wants to see her out of curiosity. My father has also asked me when he’s going to see my best friend and I have said that I don’t know when. He has stopped drinking so he’s sober now and he and my mother are really happy about my mother pregnancy but I’m worried that if I don’t let him meet E he will get angry. Is there some way to make them not wanting to invite her over?

[aquatic]

Wayfara, did I forget to mention your mom in my last post?? lol. I just read it again now, sounded funny. Was rushing that time.

 

Anyway.

 

The convo at E's mom's place was pretty hilarious. "Uhm, yeah, talk about us like we're not here...." Yeah, just keep it slow paced as it is. But if you REALLY need to kiss her, maybe when you as you arrive and before you leave, as you give her a hug, you can give her a quick sweet kiss (and make sure you don't make a big deal out of it, just do it casually, no asking for permission). *Ahem* Wayfara, please take note: QUICK kiss, nothing over the top, then act like nothing, like it's normal. Just so she gets used to it. Not much, but better than a peck on the cheek, yea?

 

If your dad isn't leaving any time soon, I suppose you can't avoid having E over, unless you want to looksuspiciously defensive (won't help your case in the future). If you do, just don't mention anything about being a couple. Save that for later, when it's just you and your mom.

 

it sounds like she just doesn't like E as a person. Do you think it's the gay thing that bothers her?

lol, i think she's just annoyed E doesn't seem eager to suck up to her. Just make sure you explain everything right.

[Wayfara]

The convo at E's mom's place was pretty hilarious. "Uhm, yeah, talk about us like we're not here...."

 

Yeah exactly and they were so many, her six brothers and her mother all talking almost at the same time, but it was pretty hilarious but I don't think E thought it as funny as I did

 

Wayfara, please take note: QUICK kiss, nothing over the top

 

So no making out then Just kidding, lol.

 

If your dad isn't leaving any time soon, I suppose you can't avoid having E over, unless you want to looksuspiciously defensive (won't help your case in the future).

 

I'm just worried about them grilling her. I'm sure that my mother would push a conversation about her sexual orientation again. And as she has suspicions maybe she'll confront her about us too. If I do invite E over should I tell her to lie (deny being lesbian and in relationship with me) if my mother or father do ask her?

[Wayfara]

I have kissed E when coming and going, she looked a bit weirded out the first time, she wasn’t prepared to it and I had to pull her down my level and she was like “What are you doing?” Now she just lets me do it. I have only given her quick kisses, nothing over the top

 

We visited her brother a couple of days ago and he was like teasing E during the whole visit.

Her brother (singing): “E is in love, E is in love […]”

E: “I’m not.”

Then she began explaining to him that we were like best friends, just that we had decided to denote us as girlfriends because we liked each other very much but that love had nothing to do with it

 

We were both in a bad mood the last time we saw each other, I was complaining to her about my mother telling me I didn’t suit as psychologist and she about all companies only searching social extroverts, that nobody wanted an introvert. Well we cheered up after awhile and took a walk. Anyway while we were walking she asked me what couples did and as I didn’t know what to answer I just said spending time together. Then she said that as I had more experience with relationships I had to tell her if she was doing something wrong. It felt weird that she would say that.

 

I have talked to E about meeting my father. After all the stories I have told her about him it wasn’t very surprising that she wasn’t very happy about the idea about him wanting to talk to her. Well she said she would come if I really wanted. I haven’t decided yet if I’ll let her come over, I suppose I’m just worried that it’ll end in disaster. Hopefully my parents won’t ask her too many personal questions but knowing how pushy they can be one never knows and I would rather not have the relationship getting disclosed like that. Decisions are so hard, especially when all options are bad, it’s just picking the least bad I suppose. Right now I think I have decided to invite her over during the week (but sometimes I can't stick to a decision).

 

I told my mother that I'll probably do as she wants and she seemed happy about it. She promised to be nice to E and then she changed the subject to my "confusion" about my sexual identity, she still doesn't think that I really am bisexual. She was like: "Maybe you're depressed." She asked me if it was a cry for help and if it was that I needed more attention, that she had heard about teenagers going through a gay or bi phase when they wanted attention from their parents. Well I said no.

 

I’m feeling insecure about E's feelings for me after what she told her brother. It sounded like I was just a friend to her and nothing more. I suppose that me being more into her than she is into me isn’t a very good base for a relationship and maybe I should just break it off.

[Flux]

I wouldn't feel to bad about what she said to her brother. It simply could have just been her saying something to him that would shut him up, as she didn't like the fact he was teasing her. Which is fair enough. Though even is she did mean it, she still may change. It's still pretty new to her as well, and I don't think she meant it as if you were just friends, cus I think you mean a lot more to her than she lets on

 

Depressed, lol, parents make me laugh. Thats sounds like something my mother would say to me. You should try talking to her, I don't know why it worries her so much. But all for thier own.

 

If E is coming around I'll tell you to tread carefully, your father AND mother may scare the crap out of her. Just if they start laying into her and she starts to look bothered/hassled/scared by it then I think it would be advisable for the two of you to leave. Considering what your father has said and how we know your mother has reacted it could all go very wrong and that would not be good for any of you...

[aquatic]

because we liked each other very much but that love had nothing to do with it

Why don't you ask her and not let it fester? Calmly tell her how you feel about it.

 

About your dad, yea, I think you two are better off just saying you're best friends for now. And tell your mom you really care about E that if she does/says anything that'll make E feel bad, you'll take it against her.

[millaj]

I haven't logged in here in a while.. I didn't realize you were still writing on this post.. when I get the chance i'll have to read up to the last post I missed. Hope you are all well.

[Wayfara]

I didn't realize you were still writing on this post

 

Lol, I think I started the thread for about half a year ago and I still have problems with the same girl.

 

E and I had a discussion for a couple of days ago. I asked her about what she said to her brother, what she meant by it and she was like: “What I said.” I told her that I felt hurt by her describing our relationship as only friendship. She said that she never had said she was in love with me and that she wouldn’t change her stance on about love and sex for me or anyone. That if I wasn’t happy with that there was nothing forcing me staying with her but that if I broke up it would be “the end” as she wasn’t into break-up-getting-back-together-relationships. Well I dropped the subject.

 

Anyway E didn’t come over to my house to meet my father until yesterday. My mother had promised to be nice but the half hour before E was coming she was telling my father questions to ask her, it was like if they were planning a cross-examination. My father wasn’t quite sober either and was saying that he would show her how things worked like in our family. I reminded them to be nice to her and they said again they would. Well I was pretty nervous before her coming.

 

When she came she was dressed up all in black from tip to toe. We seated us around the table to drink coffee and my mother began with saying to my father “Do you know that E never has had boyfriend?” and then they began making all sorts of questions about why that was the case. My father asked her if she was shy for boys and she said no, that she just didn’t want a boyfriend.

My father: “Don’t you need d!ck sometime?”

I couldn’t believe my ears when he said that. E was just like “No!” I told my father to not be that crude and he was just like laughing for himself, thinking he had been funny, I don’t know. My mother was like desperately trying to change the subject after that. Well at least my father kept his mouth for the rest of the evening and my mother was nice to her the rest of the time.

 

Anyway when I followed E home she was all in a good mood. When we had come to her apartment she hugged me real hard. I really like the hugs, being so close to her and I find the way she smells intoxicating. I kissed her, she kissed me back. Then she let go of me and said that my parents were waiting for me. I said that I hadn’t told my parents a time I would be home. We began kissing again, touching each other beneath the clothes. Then she stopped saying that she sometimes felt like a perverted monster when I was with her.

Me: “Why?”

E: “You know why.”

I said I didn’t mind, that it was okay.

E: “No, it’s not okay.”

Me: “Don’t you think I have dirty thoughts too?”

Well she didn’t answer so I hugged her and said it was okay again. I rubbed her back a little, she didn’t do anything at first but then she dragged me to the bedroom and shut the door.

E: “You want to go home?”

I said no, she leaned in, looking at me, took hold of my chin, touched my lips with the thumb. I was like stun locked, my heart palpitating… But then she just returned her hand.

E: “Okay but I want you to go.”

She’s always like that. I’m beginning to think that she’s playing with me.

 

When I came home my mother was still angry with my father for his comment earlier saying that E must have seen that he had been drinking. My father was like saying that he had eaten toothpaste for the breath so he didn’t think she had noticed (yeah the perfect cover). They asked me if E had said anything about it, I said no. When my mother continued talking about my father’s stupid comment he in turn was like telling her that she always exaggerated, that he had expected to meet the worst tattooed, skin-headed, man-hating crackhead according to her description but that the girl had appeared seemingly normal.

 

Later when I was talking to my father alone he was commenting how tall she was (he’s shorter). He asked me if E had said anything about being gay or straight, I lied and said no. Then he began telling me how homosexuals were deviants of nature and not like normal people. I asked him if he thought I was abnormal too and he said that he knew I wasn’t really bi, that it was just talk to get attention And then he continued telling me how homosexuals weren’t like others. He has had some bad experiences of homosexuals in the past and I think that may have coloured his view of them. Well anyway today my mother and father told me to tell E how tired and sleepy my father had been yesterday when I see her next time so she won’t suspect that he had been drunk. My father’s alcoholism is supposed to be a family secret, he’s always scared about someone finding out.

[candy_the_confused]

E: “You want to go home?”

I said no, she leaned in, looking at me, took hold of my chin, touched my lips with the thumb. I was like stun locked, my heart palpitating… But then she just returned her hand.

E: “Okay but I want you to go.”

She’s always like that.

 

why does she keep on doing that? any opinions?

[aquatic]

Possibly she knows how the drama's going to proceed and would rather keep things mellow for now?

 

Wayfara, sorry to read about how your dad acted, but at least he seemed to like her. About her not so entusiastic reply to the question of if she loves you, I don't know. Give it some time, a couple of months or so (if the happy times with her outnumber the crummy ones) but eventually, it will come to a point when she's asked if she wants to be in the relationship as much as you do, her answer should be yes. Earlier, she was wary of you experimenting on her, she's sort of doing it herself now. Or maybe it just takes her this long to get into it. Give that "maybe" some time, but not infinity.

[Wayfara]

Well I saw her Tuesday, I wasn’t in a really good mood, thinking about maybe ending things as she didn't seem that into me. I did complain a bit about she always making me leave and she asked me why I was so persistent in wanting to stay the days she wanted me to go when she lets me stay as long as I want all the other days. I said it was because she always wanted me to go in the middle of things. She said that it was in the middle of mistakes and that me staying would have fronted to things that shouldn’t take place.

 

I said that I sometimes doubted she liked me at all. She took my hand, looked at me, seemed a bit sad and said she was sorry. She said she shouldn’t have jumped in the relationship when she had known she would make a horrible girlfriend but that she had let her emotions control, that she had been jealous of all the guys I had talked about. She admitted that in her view her idealistic view of us in future we would be living together in a nice house, sharing life without any crazy in-love-feelings or disgusting sex.

 

She said that she understood that it wasn’t what I had in mind, that she wanted me to be happy, that I deserved someone who made me happy. Then she said that she didn’t think she could deal with seeing me with someone else. She hugged me and said she would miss me. When she let go of me she had wet eyes and she was like smiling at me and she said that I better go before I made her cry.

 

It wasn’t until standing outside the apartment the information really entered my head that she had broke up with me. It all happened so sudden and fast, I didn’t get a say. I did have thoughts of ending things myself but I wasn’t really serious about them, I would have given it more time. I feel stupid for complaining, now it’s finished because of that, I would have kept my mouth if I had known. I thought that if we would break up it would happen in a fight, not like this. This feels almost worse When I think about I won’t see her again I cry. But I suppose she’s right, our views of the future aren’t compatible, I suppose it was for the best that the break up happened now than later. I feel so stupid for falling for an intimacy phobic, I just have to realize that I couldn’t have won no matter what I would have done. I’m keeping myself from running to her place and beg her to please take me back, it wouldn’t solve the core of the problems. We have fought so many times and I realize that now it's time to just let go yet in my heart all I want is to have her back.

 

why does she keep on doing that? any opinions?

 

Indecisiveness? Or she just likes teasing me. She says she feels like a perverted monster and I suppose she doesn’t like feeling like a perverted monster. But she really has thing for playing the lesbian predator sometimes. I don’t get if she is interested but changes her mind, if she’s trying to scare me and show what kind of perverted monster she is or if she just enjoys turning me on merely because she can.

 

Earlier, she was wary of you experimenting on her, she's sort of doing it herself now.

 

You think she was experimenting with me?