Don't know what to do...

[finn]

Hi Wayfara – long time reader, first time poster

 

I’m so sorry to hear the recent developments between you and E, after all, it seemed that you were making some headway with her. But like all the other posters have said I think E’s issues with intimacy and relationships (not just romantic, but also friendships) will always be the major impediment to any kind of intimacy you hope to achieve.

 

Like Candy mentioned – if E comes back to you, will you be able to handle the emotional rollercoaster she presents. Not to say anything bad about E, from your accounts she sounds like a wonderful person, but her views on how she lives life and what expectations she has on herself (i.e. not getting involved in an intimate relationship, her views on love etc.) will hold her back from acting on any connection she has with you.

 

Regarding what she said to you about not caring about you and you not meaning anything to her, well, to me it’s plainly obvious that she DOES care about you and those feelings aren’t purely plutonic. I wouldn’t say that she is gay, but wouldn’t say that she isn’t entirely straight either – because she has kissed you on numerous occasions – but I feel that the whole whether E is gay is a side issue and takes a backseat to her issue of fear in forming relationship. I say this because after she does kiss you she talks about it being disgusting in the context of what it means with your friendship/feelings, rather than it being between two chicks.

 

I do hope that E will eventually realise what she is missing when she said goodbye to you. I also hope she will come tapping on your window again. She sounds stubborn but also she may need time to compute what is going on and take things at her own pace (she has some pretty big internal walls she needs to overcome).

 

And last of all, at least you had the guts to tell her your feelings and try and maintain a friendship with her. Some people don’t even get that close to their first major crush. I know your hurt at the moment, but if you don’t ever see E again you can say although you didn’t get the girl you gave it your best. It does get better and this experience will give you further perspective on future relationships.

 

Best of luck kiddo.

[Wayfara]

I do hope that E will eventually realise what she is missing when she said goodbye to you. I also hope she will come tapping on your window again.

 

I really hope so too but it’s Sunday now and it happened Thursday and I still haven’t heard from her Well it has only gone a few but days I’m worried that this really is the end. She probably thinks that we went too far last time, that the friendship can’t be saved, and as this isn’t the first time we have kissed she maybe thinks that it will happen again if we become friends again. In E’s view I think being homosexual is something bad because that implies being sexual, I think she dislike sexuality in itself, like she doesn’t just get crossed over ‘she-being-lesbian jokes’, she gets crossed over jokes about she being interested in guys too. It’s weird how I can miss the stubborn recluse so much. I have urges to just run over to her place, banking on her door until she has to open and refuse to leave until she finally agrees to being friends again. Well I won’t do that, I do have some self-control.

 

i think that she'll be back soon knocking on your window, and will repeat that she only wants to be friends and ends up kissing you. this scenario will go on and on and on until she admits to herself what she is not admitting right now.

 

Well if she does come back is it stupid to say yes to continuing the friendship? If the scenario goes on and on, we become friends, do something “inappropriate”, break it off, become friends again and so on and on what will it finally end with? Do you think that in that case maybe continuing the rollercoaster just prolongs the inevitable final break up? Like you said about your contradicting girlfriend you two had to break it off for real eventually because the rollercoaster was affecting you too much.

 

I have known E for around two thirds of my life, I’m used to have her in it and she always played a large part of it. One of my past boyfriends used to complain about me not spending the breaks with him instead of bothering E. He said in a fight that my many hate talks about her almost made him think I was in love with her, he knew how to piss me off. And it certainly did piss me off, ‘how dared he accuse me for having a thing for that psycho’ lol, yeah I got very defensive. I had this tactic to get E stay the in the classroom a couple of minutes with me sometimes after the school day was over by snatching a schoolbook from her, I think I enjoyed the part when she had to take it back from me a little bit too much but my “official reason” was to get the opportunity to tell her some truths (meaning pinpointing the reasons why she was a freak). What I want to say is that E has as long as I have known her occupied my thoughts in one way or another. Even when we were at bad terms she always signified more to me than any of my boyfriends as I always made more effort to find time to tease and being mean to her than spending time with them.

 

One of the reasons why I’m not so happy about having a crush on her has to do with this, I think my past actions would indicate that I was somewhat obsessed with her. And if I was obsessed then maybe I still am and then what I have now is not a crush, it’s obsession. It’s a scary thought that one could have an obsession. Well anyway even if my head says that the best thing would be to let the break up be, so I can get over her, I know I would regret it and probably never forgive myself if I said no to the chance of being friends again if she would come back to me.

 

and if you don't feel comfortable dating guys, don't. don't try to fool yourself. you don't HAVE to be in a relationship or even dating.

 

I was thinking that if I want to get over my panic feelings every time a guy makes a move on me I have to expose myself to it. Maybe if I spend more time with guys I would get more comfortable with maybe getting intimate with one. I don’t want to think that E is to be the only one I can be comfortable enough doing things.

[aquatic]

I have urges to just run over to her place, banking on her door until she has to open and refuse to leave until she finally agrees to being friends again. Well I won’t do that, I do have some self-control.

Yes, don't, for your sake AND hers. As much as this has been a rollercoaster for you, try to imagine it from her side-- not only is she dealing with finding someone she's attracted to, as you are, but she's dealing with a whole lot more-- how she defines herself, her mother, her life, her dead aunt whom she's looked up to and more. Well, at least you don't have the gay baggage to deal with, that's one off for you... out of a dozen. Just give her space and just be your most welcoming and loving when/if she does come back. For what it's worth, I think you two will always be friends, even if this separation stretches on indefinitely.

[candy_the_confused]

hey sweet girl how are you doing?

 

ofcoarse you are not obsessive, don't say that. i suggest you read about obsessive behavior before you accuse yourself of being one.

 

simply you have feelings for this girl, and you are not forcing her to do anything she doesn't want, even the kisses incase you haven't noticed were innitiated by her, so relaaaax!!

 

stop being harsh on yourself it's not your fault that your heart chose to love this sweet person inspite of all her issues. and this sweet person obviously has feelings for you that does not want to aknowledge, and you know why she has feelings for you? because you have been so sweet and a wonderful friend to her, she even told you that you are her favorite person and that she thinks about you. right?

 

don't let anything affect your self esteem, and stop feeling guilty for being mean to her when you were kids, you were just kids!! and anyway you made it up for her big time with your friendship with her now because as we all have noticed you've been so nice and wonderful to her.

 

you were right by stopping yourself from going to her place, because now it's her choice, let her decide what she wants, and you should feel good because you gave this friendship and this person your best.

 

i guess she's missing you like you are missing her right now, i hope that her issues will weigh less and less as the days go by.. good luck to you and her.. and keep us updated!

[finn]

Yeah, I definitely don't recommend going over and banging on her door either - E has to be the one to come to you because you have already laid your cards on the table, you have made it clear what you want (a relationship) but also what you are happy to accept (friendship). It is up to her to decide if she can handle that.

 

She is probably in turmoil at the moment too - like aquatic said, she has so many issues she needs to deal with. Her whole perspective on love/relationships have been affected by her mother flaunting her sexuality when E was so young, it's not hard to see why she thinks the way she does. But those views must be so ingrained into her personality that E must feel if she deviates away from them, she will lose her identity or not be true to herself which is why she pushes you away. In a weird way I guess it’s a compliment to you as a person – you made her feel something which she had sworn she would never ‘indulge’ in, also she did let you into her life, so you got that going for you!

 

If E does come knocking on your door I reckon you should be mates with her. It seems like you guys have built a solid base for a friendship, and even if you don’t get the chance to be anything more, would you want to lose that?

 

As for dating guys – it’s something you should be comfortable with. If you are feeling like you’re panicking it might not be right for you at this time. I understand your thinking but dating should be something a person enjoys. If you don’t hear from E again, give yourself some time to reassess your feelings, you’ll know deep down inside when the time is right for you to meet other people and start new relationships.

 

Take care

[Deviant_Kate]

It sounds like her main issue isn't her fear of relationships and sex, but rather her inability to face the idea of being labeled "gay".

 

I don't think you could be more wrong about that, Jsx. Her avoidance of the label of "gay" has everything to do with her issues with relationship and sex. If she never wants to have sex, if sex disgusts her, it follows that she wouldn't want to identify with a sexual orientation, because that would be to admit that she has a sexual attraction to someone, which is something she can't allow herself to do.

 

E isn't a homophobe - it's not about that. She's just a very mixed up young lady.

[jsx730]

Not to say that it's not an issue, but due to her comment...

 

"What do you want me to say? That I'm gay?"

 

made me think that she's having a problem with it.

[Deviant_Kate]

I was thinking that if I want to get over my panic feelings every time a guy makes a move on me I have to expose myself to it. Maybe if I spend more time with guys I would get more comfortable with maybe getting intimate with one. I don’t want to think that E is to be the only one I can be comfortable enough doing things.

 

Wayfara...I thought the only way to stop panicking around men was to just ignore the panic and go with the flow...

 

I ended up having sex with the only man I've ever been with. The fact of the matter is, I'd rather be with women. I shouldn't have forced myself to do something I wasn't comfortable with, and I don't think you should either.

 

Please don't make yourself do something you're not comfortable with. There's nothing wrong with not dating, or with dating women. Just take things one step at a time.

[Wayfara]

Six days have gone now since the incident and she isn’t coming The more days that pass by the less I think she’ll come back. I’m feeling down and I haven’t been in the mood to see my friends or anything. I miss her, I just want to see her again. It’s so hard to be passive and do nothing but I suppose have to respect her choice to shut me out. My mother is getting worried about me, I haven’t told her what happened as part of me is still hoping that E will come back. I don’t know, should I tell her that E and I are no longer friends?

 

If E likes me and I like her and we are both single one would think there shouldn’t be any problem. She must have been in some level attracted to me for all the times she kissed me but maybe that was all, maybe it was true that she had no romantic feelings for me and it was just her hormones showing. But why would she kiss me when it only makes her not wanting to see me again? I kind of had a feeling that she was an intimacy phobic before even becoming friends with her and even then I had to be so foolish to befriend her and subsequently fall for her. If she continues pushing people away she’ll end up alone but maybe that is what she wants to be, not having anyone disturbing her. I would have wanted to be the person to break down her walls but apparently I wasn’t the one to do that.

 

stop feeling guilty for being mean to her when you were kids, you were just kids!!

 

Lol, well it was only about half a year ago I stopped being mean to her so I was pretty old when I stopped. But you have right and feeling guilty can’t change the past anyway.

 

she's dealing with a whole lot more-- how she defines herself, her mother, her life, her dead aunt whom she's looked up to and more.

 

Yeah I think too she looked up to her. Her aunt was somewhat of an hermit and lived by herself in a small house outside town without any near neighbour and I think that is what E sees as the ideal existence. She did ask me for about a week ago before the other thing happened if I would follow her to the grave as she hadn’t visited it since the funeral. On Friday it’s a year ago since she died. E used to visit her aunt a lot and when her mother had a boyfriend who used to make sexual comments about her (that he found her sexy, that he could teach her the grownup love etc) she spent almost every day with her aunt just to get away from home.

 

Please don't make yourself do something you're not comfortable with. There's nothing wrong with not dating, or with dating women. Just take things one step at a time.

 

Yeah you are right, it probably not a good idea dating now anyway as it would be hard to concentrate on a new person when I’m still crazy for E.

 

If E does come knocking on your door I reckon you should be mates with her. It seems like you guys have built a solid base for a friendship, and even if you don’t get the chance to be anything more, would you want to lose that?

 

No, I wouldn’t want to lose that. If she wants to be friends again I would be very happy.

[Flux]

Thinking about it. E is usually the one that makes the move, and she made the move on the last incident.. and she's always the one that makes you leave when she's had one of her 'turns'. (I can't think of the right word :S)

 

The more I think about it, the more I think you should get in contact i.e. send her a letter or something stupid like that. And then explain, that it's always her that starts it. And then ask some questions that might get her thinking. And that you've never made the first move... And ask why she even bothers to do it. ect ect..

 

And see if you can win her round that way. And if it doesn't work at least you have had the your say, cus it seems that last time you saw eachother she cut you off short. Plus if you do the ball is completely in her court, to do what she wants to do. Cus she could be say waiting for you for to come to her.

 

That's what I'd do anyways. Cus your not happy sat waiting around, its just making you miserable

 

when her mother had a boyfriend who used to make sexual comments about her

 

God no wonder she doesn't like intimacy, that would probably have the same effect on me as it did on her. What kind of parent would make there daughter go through that.

 

I don’t know, should I tell her that E and I are no longer friends?

 

It depends on how you think she'l react, and if you think her reaction will make you feel better. I half expect that she'll jump for joy and tell the neighbours, thus making you feel a bit more miserable than you already do. I think you shouldn't bother to tell her, but that's entirely your decision

[Gratsy]

The whole situation is very odd. She said she's asexual, so you should respect that and stop thinking of her sexually and start thinking about her as a friend.

[sportsbunny]

The whole situation is very odd. She said she's asexual, so you should respect that and stop thinking of her sexually and start thinking about her as a friend.

 

Gratsy- I don't know about you, but I can't just automatically make myself stop thinking about someone sexually if I am attracted to them. Even if we're friends and I put the friendship first, it's going to be there. I think she is respecting her by not forcing herself upon her. From everything I've read, E has been making the moves.

[hellsbells910]

*Sigh* What a mess.

I have mixed emotions about whether you should try and contact her, but my mother's voice keeps ringing in my ear right now (odd, I know...)

 

She would say...

If you love someone... let them go. (And you probably know the rest) ... if they return, then it was meant to be.

 

 

I think although it is the worst pain ever... you might be best off leaving her alone and letting her work out her problems. When and if she is ready to be your friend, then you should let her come to you.

 

At the end of the day, if I were her, and so confused and hurt by the various things going on in my life, I would appreciate some time to work them out without added pressure.

 

Sorry if this seems to deflate your hopes further. I do believe she is attracted to you-- but it still might never work out.

 

 

[Wayfara]

I have been going around with a goofy smile for half a day

 

This afternoon while my mother was gone it knocked on the door. I was sure it was my mother coming home but it wasn’t. I had almost given up hope that E would come back but there she stood. She gave me a bouquet of flowers. I was so happy to see her that I got teary eyes. She looked worried and said she had cookies too. I told her to not be stupid, that I was just happy to see her and I gave her a hug. Then we seated us in the sofa and she seemed serious.

E: “I was angry with you. You clutter things up.”

Then she took my hand between her and looked into my eyes and smiled and just that made my heart pound. She started to say something several times but it never came out more than half sentences like “You know…” etc. Then she just hugged me instead. I was so happy. She said she had missed me. When she had stopped hugging me she started talking about how in majority of the cases girlfriend and boyfriend were just another name of a soon-to-be ex even when the participants of the relationship were in love with each other and said that if a relationship was to have a chance at all they had to be compatible too. Then she said she wanted me to be happy and I said the same about her. She cupped my face for awhile without saying anything and I was like floating. She hugged me again and this time longer than before.

E: “I love you.”

She said it in a somewhat angry tone but I was in chock that she even would say that. Pretty fast afterwards she added she meant as a friend, that she loved me as a friend. Then she said again that she wanted me to be happy and said that she knew she wouldn’t make a good girlfriend because there were certain things she would never want to do (sex etc) and that it would be unfair to anyone to be with someone like that. Then she suddenly said she was going, I think she got uncomfortable after the I-love-you-as-a-friend thing. Before she went she said I could come to her tomorrow and that she could make dinner for us.

 

I'm so happy now. She was so nice giving me flowers. They were blue and very pretty but I don't know the name of them. And she didn't give me the talk about how she just happened to buy them almost by accident like she usually does lol. And when she said she loved me even though it only was as a friend it really touched me. I'm thinking of giving her a present, don't know what yet.

 

She said she's asexual, so you should respect that and stop thinking of her sexually and start thinking about her as a friend.

 

Well she has never said she’s asexual. It was something I assumed in the beginning as I had never seen her showing interest for anyone and because she had denied liking girls or being into boys. It could be that she doesn’t know there is an orientation for those who are not sexually attracted to anyone but then I’m now unsure that she is asexual. Would she really kiss me all those times if she truly was asexual? And yeah I know I shouldn’t think of her sexually but I do it automatically, I don’t know how I stop.

[sportsbunny]

That's great. I'm glad she's back in your life.

[aquatic]

She looked worried and said she had cookies too.

Hahahahaha!!!

 

Cookies! Flowers! Hugs! I love you's! Go, E! I really like how she's becoming more and more emotionally open and honest AND she's not completely writing off the idea of romance with her compatibility comment. Big step! Really happy for you, Wayfara!

 

Btw, about your comment "If she continues pushing people away she’ll end up alone but maybe that is what she wants to be, not having anyone disturbing her", I guess for some, they want to see who fights to stay?

[candy_the_confused]

yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

 

so she knocked on your door instead of tapping on your window!! and this time with bouquet of flowers and i miss you and love you!! wow!!!!

 

i'm very glad E is back, and you really did the right thing by giving her space and time to think.. bravo wayfara.

 

ok now expect the contradictions, but now with longer periods between one contradition and another.. i think now she is actually swallowing the fact that she likes you very much.

 

by the way she is extremely sweet no wonder you love her so much.

 

ok so you want to get her a present, that's so cute. anything from you will mean a lot to her.

 

good luck and keep us updated

[finn]

Wow, this is totally awesome Wayfara! I am so excited for you!

 

E is truly sweet for bring flowers and cookies. And as for the 'I missed you' and 'I love you', well you have ME sitting here with a goofy grin on my face

 

I like the 'I'm angry at you, you clutter things up' remark - it shows that she really does have feelings for you, whether they are just friendship or more remains to be seen.

 

Have fun at dinner tomorrow nite and please keep us updated!

[Flux]

Aww wow, get on. Result, so too speak

 

Your really lucky to have someone like this. I mean the situations weird, but what I mean is you have a great friend there, and she cares for you and love you very much

 

Anyways thats me done bieng all mushy Have a good weekend and keep us posted

[stellastrawberry]

Oh thank god!!!! I just spent my entire Saturday morning reading this thread, and I was terrified I was getting to the end... and then this! I am so thrilled for you I can barely stand it! Better than a romance novel. Just keep going slow and giving her space to process, and you'll be fine. Well done. Not that you don't have rocky times to come of course, but you are definitely heading in the right direction. Well done! =D>

And boy, is your girl the sweetest thing in the world- definitely worth the effort!

[Bunney]

Okay lol, I don't really buy the story, at least not all of it. Sounds too movie-like and unrealistic.

 

However if this is all true.... Good luck with E

[Wayfara]

Well I was with E yesterday and we went to put some flowers on her aunt’s grave. She said that she used to like going around graveyards and look at old graves but that she now couldn’t stand the smell so we didn’t stay there long. It was nice eating dinner at her place just that she wasn’t very talkative. Maybe it was because it was the year day of her aunt’s death or maybe she felt awkward due to the things she said the time before, I don’t know. Maybe I should have said something, I’m just not that good at figuring out something good to say in moments like that.

 

Okay lol, I don't really buy the story, at least not all of it.

 

I get that a lot in real life too (when I tell people things from school etc). Maybe I should reconsider my speech pattern so people take me seriously, lol.

 

And boy, is your girl the sweetest thing in the world

 

Yeah she can be really sweet sometimes.

 

I would like to do something nice to her, I'm thinking of maybe buying her a cook book or something else that could cheer her up.

[Flux]

I'm like that. I get awkward and don't know what to say in situations like that. But then I don't think you could have said much to cheer her up. And with E bieng how she is, it probably wouldn't have affected her much

 

And a cookbook seems sweet lol. Or just a book of recipes for cookies, may make her laugh lol

[Pocket Rocket]

Yay, good to hear E's back well, when all's said and done, if it doesn't work out, you could go write a book, it's all the rage these days lol just kidding. E seems like such a great person, but then again I fall for anyone who brings biscuits

 

A cookbook sounds like a great idea, or at least something within the culinary section, has she been missing anything in the kitchen that could help her? Have you considered baking yourself?

[candy_the_confused]

get her a white rose along with the cook book if you want and a little card that says: to my favorite cook