Breaking someone's heart is awful!

[mxfun]

Hello to all of you caring people,

 

I finally did it. I am referring now to my previous post:

 

 

 

 

I told my live-in boyfriend that we could no longer be together due to something missing. I let him know that he is a good person, and will someday find someone who will knock his socks off. He cried, I cried. He said he only wanted me and noone else. It was so hard to just move out from a life I had become accustomed to. He said I was all he had. He has no family; does have friends..but can't talk to them about this. I feel awful.

 

It was so painful that I almost grabbed him and said, "Nevermind. Everything is okay. I'll stay and take care of you." I just couldn't bear the fact that I was hurting him.

 

I finally packed my car and drove for 12.5 hours to my family. I am relieved that I finally had the guts to do it, but how can I make this easier on him? I feel a loss too. I miss him, but know If I don't do this, things will get worse, and we won't be able to move on.

 

He is calling and saying he has nothing to live for anymore. He is talking suicidal, e-mailing, instant messaging...etc. What should I say to him? I am exhausted worrying about him. Have not been able to sleep - even after driving almost 700 miles.

 

Would you all please just let me know you are here. Do you have any ideas on what I can do? I honestly feel nauseated and alone. I can't imagine how he feels. This is not fun!

 

Thanks,

-MX

[redsuede]

what is missing? Do you not love him? Just getting a feel for your situation.

[mxfun]

Hi Red,

 

I don't think I love him. I am not attracted to him. I was even forcing myself to try and become attracted to him again, but couldn't do it. He does not have the best hygeine, and just seems foul to me. I feel bad for feeling this way, but I can't change it.

[JoeWho]

Well as painful as it may be for both of you, I think that you did the right thing if things were not working out.

 

The best thing that you can do for both of you is to go NC. Having no contact will give both of you the chance to heal and eventually move on.

[karvala]

Yes, I have an idea what you can do: nothing. As in, don't reply, don't give him false hope, don't encourage him to remain in this destructive withdrawal phase. He'll hurt like hell for a while, but you're clearly not the person to comfort him in this situation.

 

The only thing you might do for him, before withdrawing, is to give him a more understandable and compelling reason for things to have happened other than "something is missing", which doesn't even sound convincing to me, so it certainly won't to him. Maybe you need to think hard about it, but I'm sure you can do better than that in terms of a concrete reason for him to believe that it's right for it to be ended and over. Then NC from your side no matter what he says or does, for at least a few days, and perhaps longer.

[numbhead]

my ex left me 4 months ago saying that she loved me but wasnt inlove with me...... i dont know what that means..... at all infact...!! i died a thousand times over....and over and over and over and over and over!

 

there is no easy way out ..if you feel u cannot changethe situation...

 

my ex has just come bk incontact with me... i dont know what the hell she wants but its opened up all my wounds!!......be nice to this guy (if he has been nice to you) and vowe not to jump into another relationship for a gd while....

 

theres nothing else that can be said.....

 

 

hey at least youve got away from the dodgy smells... that has got to cheer you up a little!

[boomvang]

It is awful, and I understand from both of your perspectives. Right now he doesn't think he has anything to live for without you, and that's not an unusual feeling after getting dumped. I know this sounds awful, but you can't be responsible for his happiness, and furthermore, you can't keep him alive. Staying with someone because they use emotional leverage like that is an sure-fire formula for misery and relationship failure.

[Siriana]

Oh, I know it is soo awfull to leave someone you know loves you and you're not completely there....you feel like a horrible person for not being able to love back...

Been there, done that...

I have no idea how te ease his pain because my exes were NC kind of guys so I never accepted letters, emails, phone calls...

Oh, and since you were together only 7 months I find his behaviour over the top. I tought you two were together for 3 years at least but when I red your other thread..I think you have every right to do complete NC ignore mode after only 7 months.

 

I dated a guy for 2 years, and to tell you the truth after a year I knew something is off.

After a year and a half I was shure he's not the one and that I have no intention spending my life with him.

He started being very annoying to me. To someone else he wouldn't be - but to me he was.

But he had no idea something is wrong - not my fault, he just didn't get the point when I was angry at him or when we disagreed about something. He was completely unable to connect the dots to see our disagreemets are not something small but huge differences. When it comes to such things what is the use of nagging and trying to win the battle or trying to force him change his mind? I don't see any.

Well thanks to that he tought everything is just all right! I said my opinion, he diasaagreed, I disagreed and that was it - after that he tought everything is just fine and that this difference is not a big deal!

Oh, and I red in your previous thread how your guy had a problem with hygiene - mine did too - he took a shower when he was expecting sex. blaaaaah. Of course, you found out that things after some period of time not immediatley. I tried to explain to him how it's not right and how I don't find attractive the fact he showers only when he sees evidence that there's going to be sex. It's better to be able to have spontaneous sex without taking into account if he showered or not. He didn't get the point and after some time his body became disgousting to me.

Not to mention taking his shoes off and than having no intention washing his feet and changing socks after all day of work. I managed to force him only to change sox. blaaah

And he was cheap over the top.

 

So sorry for a long post, but just wanted to say, you did the right thing.

Him making such a big deal out of it after 7 months of dating...not healthy.

 

Enjoy your fresh air!

[mxfun]

Numb,

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. My ex and I have already had talks about hygiene, our relationship, etc. He did start cleaning up again for a little while, but just went back to being yucky...and, yes, I am happy to be away from the doggie smells! Thanks for giving me a smile in a tough time.

 

I guess the point is that he knew we had problems, so it wasn't a big, shocking surprise to him when I broke it off.

 

I agree with you Boom, that I am not responsible for his happiness. I guess it's just much harder than I thought it would be.

[numbhead]

7 months,,,, ye that is nothing.....he will get over that definitely!!

[mxfun]

Man, just knowing people are "Listening" helps so much. Thanks to all of you.

You are all helping my anxiety levels go down a bit. I'll take what I can get. Boy, do I sound selfish or what?

[psu11]

first i think you should be commended for having the strength to leave under you're circumstances. its never easy to break up with anyone, let alone while living together and being so far from you're family. he may not realize it now, but you did him and yourself a favor. it may hurt like hell for him now, but time will heal. I think he may not know how to respond to this break up by the sound of his emails, phone calls etc.. it sounds like it is his way of desprately trying to get you back. i think you need to keep your contact to a mininum until he "gets it"

 

by you keeping little or no contact he will see that you are gone for good, no matter what he says or does. good luck to you

[numbhead]

you should tell him that there's a good website called

 

http://www.enotalone.com that will help him out!

[amtjrtcet]

I went through a very similar situation with my ex. I left him after 6 yrs, and two of those living together. There were a number a # of resons why I left, things hadn't been good for a while. But I still remember EVERY little detail the night I told him I was done.

 

He got angry, cused me out, left, told me to go to hell. He finally came home the next day. I wanted us to talk about things. I wanted us to be civil and act like grown ups. He stayed angry for a few days; I was still living there. Then after the anger came the hurt. We slept in separate bedrooms for a couple wks, but a night I could hear him crying.

 

I, like you, thought 'oh, I'll just stay. I don't want him to hurt like this. I'll just find a way to make things work.' But then I never would have been happy. I would have settled just to keep him from being so hurt. I was scared to leave him b/c I didn't think he could take care of himself. I cooked for him, cleaned for him, MADE him get up in the mornings for work, packed his lunches.

 

Anyways, its been almost a 1.5 yrs since I left. I'm in a relationship, and I've never been happier. I didn't know loving someone didn't have to be so hard.

 

But to this day I worry about my ex. I wonder if he's doing ok. I wonder if he's still hurting that I left. I pray for his happiness, and that he will meet someone that will be there for him. I pray for him more then I pray for myself.

 

Does it get easier? I hope so. But you have to do what is best for you.

[karvala]

Man, just knowing people are "Listening" helps so much. Thanks to all of you.

You are all helping my anxiety levels go down a bit. I'll take what I can get. Boy, do I sound selfish or what?

 

Not in the slightest. On the contrary, while I wouldn't wish suffering on anyone, and certainly not on you, I have found the thread, and in particular your concern at not wanting to hurt someone while still needing to take the action that you've taken, rather refreshing. There is, understandably, so much breakup pain here from the side of the one feeling rejected, it's invaluable to see it from the other side as well, and appreciate the difficulty that can also be experienced there.

[mxfun]

Thanks everyone.

[Biffy]

I agree with what Karvala said - try to actually figure out what was missing in your relationship and tell him. "Something's missing" is wishy-wasy and clichéd - no offence, I'm just steeping into your ex's shoes here. So unless you can think of something to give him "closure" then just leave him be. Don't contact him at all and if he contacts you, tell him not to contact you anymore and that it's for his own good as you don't want to create false hope.

[David H]

He said I was all he had. He has no family;

 

He does not have the best hygeine, and just seems foul to me.

 

HI

 

Sounds to me like he has a few personal issues he needs to resolve; hygiene issues point to depression

 

David

[GottaLetItBurn]

He is going to be in a lot of pain no matter what you do. It's up to you how long you keep talking to him. You drop him a text a month later and he'll fall apart all over again. I know this because in a lot of way I still have a broken heart after nearly two years this August.

 

If you don't really love him, then get out of his life. Seriously, don't kick someone when they are down. It's going to be a long time before he can pick up all the pieces if you keep in contact.

[Wotgorilla]

Thanks everyone.

 

Hey, that's what friends are for!

 

We're here for you. Take care of yourself, nothing is more important. You did the right thing for yourself. It will get better!

 

 

Dan on LI.

[Orlander]

Breaking up with him was probably the best thing for him. Dont ever lead him on that there is any hope, no matter how bad you feel. Just let him work thourgh this.

 

Since my ex broke up with me a year and a half ago I am much more a man than I ever thought possible. Ive learned more about life, love and my own inner strength than I ever knew before. My ex did me a favor.

 

Hang in there.

 

Orlander