Should my girlfriend go to a dance with another guy?

[TheFoglifter]

... that is..."

 

That is what this is all about: You get the reassurance you need that nothing will happen between your gf and Chad. She eliminates the risk of Chad mis-understanding, and the best friend gets Chad a companion for the dance.

[Batya33]

This is a 32 year old man expecting this reassurance from a 17 year old girl he never met who he writes can still use the excuse of "being grounded" so that she doesn't have to tell her best friend that she has promised this on line man almost twice her age who she has never met that she won't date while she is typing and talking to him. Something is very wrong with this picture.

[ghost69]

wait wait wait. is that true bat?

[ghost69]

omg, i just found that information. there are more issues here than a date to a dance. she is 17. this part of her life is huge. it doesn't need to be spent online dating.

[TheFoglifter]

The OP has already been moralized to enough. If he wants to continue in this relationship, he'll continue in the relationship. He obviously has reasons he prefers his current gf to going out and meeting someone his own age.

 

Besides, plenty of 32 year olds still live with mom and dad, so they too could use the "I'm grounded excuse" heh heh.

[Batya33]

Morals is the least of it. It's illegal as well as illusory -- and it is relevant to raise these issues when posters write that he needs "reassurance" from her. In context, which I believe I provided based on the facts supplied by the OP (the age difference, her underage status, the fact that they have never met the fact that she has chosen not to tell her best friend about the "relationship," the fact that she is going to a highschool dance as someone else's date who also doesn't know about the relationship) that sort of "reassurance" is unrealistic and illusory as well.

 

Yes, he obviously does have reasons but he posted here to get opinions on her behavior and that behavior is not happening in a vacuum so analyzing the context is essential to giving an opinion.

[deadxheaven]

best. advice. ever.

 

THE END.

[Rabican]

Your girlfriend just needs to make it known that she has A BOYFRIEND! and tell this 'chad' fellow that hes just someone to hang out with... and not a date!

[deadxheaven]

Well, I was alright about it until she called me tonight. The phone call was already destined to be a disaster because I made myself upset re-reading the log from February when she was asked to the dance, and it made me upset. Part of the problem of why details were not immediately confirmed as to why he was asking out her to the dance and not someone else, and if it was meant to be a friends thing or what, were left unanswered because she thought he wasn't even serious and that he was joking. The dance is a turnabout dance where the girls are to ask the guys. He was going about it all wrong in asking her because that isn't even the rules. This was Chad, her best friend's cousin. He couldn't possibly be serious. Later on of course, we all learned he was serious.

 

This seems like it is going to be the longest week. Even if she can't go to the dance because they won't be able to sneak her in, she's still going to be gone Saturday evening until Sunday evening with us having no communication. I won't know whether she went to the dance or instead she went to some pizza place while Angel and Chad attended the dance. She told me again she can't stand him up now because it's only days away. It's unfortunate I didn't learn she had forgotten that we had agreed she wasn't going to go to the dance until now because it isn't fair to Chad if she were to bail on him now because it doesn't leave him much time at all to find a another date. I learned also now that not going with him also reflects upon her because he is Angel's cousin. Would Angel's mother view her the same knowing that she hurt Chad's feelings? Would she give her rides to places from then on? The original plan was for Angel and my girlfriend to go together if Angel couldn't get a date. If Angel got a date, my girlfriend wasn't even supposed to go. Chad asking her to be his date was very unexpected and as I said she didn't even believe he was serious.

 

Also, what I find strange and she does too is Chad and her barely talk. She hasn't seen him in person since December and he's barely online. This of course is also a disadvantage because she might actually not be able to catch him online before the dance to ask him the important questions so I have the answers before she leaves. Of course, she'll present them to him when she is there, but I would be more secure if I knew the reasons too. Why would he ask someone he barely speaks to to be his date to this dance? I can't help but think he is harboring feelings for her. He must like her. My girlfriend is an incredible girl, how could anyone not like her?

 

She has never gone to any of the dances at her own school, let alone this school. It apparently is a somewhat formal dance, she told me she is going to wear the dress she wore as part of her Halloween costume. So it's not a casual t-shirt and jeans type event, apparently.

 

Once again, she reassured me that nothing is going to happen and even if he did ask her out because he liked her... "would I care for it? no". Also since they don't talk much anyway, she's going to talk to Angel, who hopefully won't be too preoccupied with her own date. Whatever the case, my girlfriend told me she won't allow herself to be alone with Chad. This is very frustrating to my girlfriend because I seem to come off like I don't trust her, but I do. I just am still stuck on this situation just not being the right thing and something you should do when involved with someone. It's so out of character for my girlfriend to be doing this. She loves me and is devoted and committed to me but this seems to say otherwise and she realises that and is sorry for it. She also realises I don't like the way I am behaving at times to her when I get angry and upset and come close to yelling at her or saying something stupid. She tells me over and over she'd rather we be speaking like this rather than not talking at all. For a few days I was okay and we had a great night the other night actually, and now this. I still feel bad to be subjecting herself to this I am ashamed of how I am at times. I suggest that maybe I should stay offline and unplug the phone so she can't call because I am ashamed and embarrassed by how I am being. That would hurt me. That would hurt her though. I want to just punish myself for being difficult. I can't come up with anything that would just affect me and not her, so I give up. I feel really overall I am being a jerk now about this. I understand also that this situation doesn't need to be like this. I tell her I don't deserve her and she tells me that it's times like these that I deserve her the most. She tells me again and again she won't leave me. I'm not going to lose her. I'm not breaking up with her over this, she's not going to break up with me because I am being how I am being over this. Most of you on here may find this hard to believe, but this girl really loves me.

[sophie274]

Ok well you have ignored my previous replies so I sort of get the impression you might not want to hear what I say. But here it is:

 

Wow, reading your post makes my head spin. So much drama!

Why is it so complicated? Why can't your girlfriend simply tell Angel she has a boyfriend whom she plans to meet soon, and then call Chad and tell him the same and that thereforeeee she can only go as a friend? It sounds to me like there are many excuses but no real reasons.

 

About your last paragraph:

You seem really confused about the relationship. She loves you, but then she is doing something that, in your value system, indicates otherwise. You trust her, but you are being difficult (your words, not mine).

 

Why would she break up with you over how you are being now? I thought you thought your claims were reasonable. What do you think?

 

Why do you trust her (but not really)? This story is so convoluted it's hard to believe! Again, why can't she just tell Chad she is involved with someone. I really doubt Angel's mother would refuse to give your girlfriend a ride because your girlfriend politely declined Chad's invitation to a dance because she had a boyfriend!! In fact, I know she wouldn't.

 

The story is just going on and on. I can't believe someone would willingly go through so much drama, on her end.

[deadxheaven]

I didn't ignore your replies, I answered on Page 4.

 

All I can say is that she fears that Angel isn't going to accept me because I am someone who is online. I already have illustrated how Angel feels about people who are online with the fact that she blocked me after i contacted her with nothing but good intentions and concern for my best friend. Her best friend's attitude is the cause of this. My girlfriend feels that she is protecting our relationship by not telling her best friend, whom she thinks is going to disapprove of it because she dislikes online people. That is her opinion though, and I would think Angel would allow her best friend to have her own opinion because obviously she's not objecting to her having online friends. The two of them are not currently on the best of terms either but they will remain friends because they have been so for many years.

 

Iit's sad because my girlfriend honestly tells me she cannot remember us making the decision in February for her to not go to the dance, she never called it off and now if she declined, Chad has only a few days to find someone else to go with him as opposed to all of last month. I tried to accuse her that it was convenient forgetfulness, but I really don't think so. It just seems sad she had forgotten because that conversation was a not so favourable discussion as well. All I seem to do lately is make her feel bad.

 

I do trust her but I think the fact that I am getting so upset over this, thinking that is the proper response a boyfriend should have to this situation, seems to say I don't trust her. I don't want to be taken advantage of or walked on. If this stupid date proceeds, I want this to be the last and only time. She doesn't even want to go but she feels she has to because of Angel. I've never been in a situation like this. I don't want her to think I can be manipulated to go along with anything. The only reason it is happening is because he is her best friend's cousin and she won't tell her best friend about me. Had this been any other guy the decision would have been simple. The cousin and my girlfriend don't even talk to one another much at all. Why the hell does he want her at this dance???

 

And about the breaking up thing - she wants to be with me to the extent where she has made it so she has no choice. She has told me that if we are to ever break up, I am going to have to be the one to end the relationship. Not her. This gives us security in that as long as I don't break up with her, we're going to be together. Of course, she could still be mad at me or upset but it's not affecting the relationship or placing our relationship in jeopardy. I am trying my best to not abuse this special power, but I have yelled to her to where I am making her feel like crap, and then cried afterwards because it hurt me to be so mean to her. Just because she won't break up with me doesn't mean I should have free reign to be an a** to her. Am I justified because she is being a b**** to me by holding to her decision to go as Chad's date?

 

I say that because I believe any other girl probably would have gotten sick of me being how I am being and dumped me by now. I expressed genuine concern about how I think about this situation and I get upset and then it just ruins everything. Online conversation, the nightly phone call. Other nights I put it out of my mind and I have a good conversation and nightly call. It's unpredictable what mood I am going to be in and my mood can also suddenly shift without warning. I don't want my girlfriend to become scared to contact me with an attitude of "omg, i wonder what mood he is in over this today". She reassured me she wouldn't hide from me by being online but not speaking to me. I feel like I am being mean to her. I can't change her mind on this. I feel bad she has to get up and go through the day of school knowing her boyfriend loves her but he is less than thrilled with her at the moment. Angel keeps talking to her about dance this, dance that whenever they speak online.

 

My girlfriend keeps citing to me her reasons and she seems to provide good arguments for them. I just keep telling her I would never do something like this to her. Getting word on Chad's intentions seems unreliable. Of course not, why should something actually work out where my mind could be put at ease? This is going to be a long week. It's affecting my disposition. I snap at people. I have a short temper. I can't concentrate and do the things I used to enjoy. I have headaches. I don't feel much like eating. I hope she won't be able to go - won't be able to get a ride, or at the very least they won't be able to sneak her in. If they cannot sneak her in, though, I won't know until she comes home Sunday, so I'll still be stressed over it.

[teeters]

Dude, get a hold on reality. This girl isn't telling her friend because she doesn't feel that this is a TRUE relationship. Has she told ANYONE yet about you? Parents, other friends, brothers or sisters?

 

I think that maybe she can sense the desperation on your end and she is afraid to tell you how she really feels so she "plays" along and tells you things

you would want to hear and hopes that someday you will just call it quits on your own.

 

Sorry to be blunt, but this isn't healthy for YOU. Who cares about the age thing, that is besides the point because this isn't a relationship that will ever be real. What this girl is doing is playing with someones emotional state. No probably not being mean about it, but I think she got into this way over her head and has no clue what to do about it now, so she plays along.

 

End this. And see what happens. ](*,)

[sophie274]

My girlfriend feels that she is protecting our relationship by not telling her best friend, whom she thinks is going to disapprove of it because she dislikes online people.

 

My girlfriend keeps citing to me her reasons and she seems to provide good arguments for them. I just keep telling her I would never do something like this to her. .

 

Why the hell does he want her at this dance???

 

 

I do trust her but I think the fact that I am getting so upset over this, thinking that is the proper response a boyfriend should have to this situation, seems to say I don't trust her.

 

The only reason why this is still going on is your girlfriend's reluctance to say no to Chad. You know that her reasons are not good - the endless circle of justification continues. She's not saying no to Chad because she doesn't want to. If she were proud and serious about your relationship, she would have told Angel - what is Angel going to do about your relationship? The only circumstance in which that excuse has any validity is if your relationship has been and continues to be illegal, which is a whole other creature. If it's illegal, please, get away from this girl. There is a reason why there are laws.

Honestly, I just don't think she's that into you.

 

Oh, and Chad wants to go to the dance with her, because he likes her. He wants to date her. And her actions right now speak volumes about what she thinks about that.

 

She has told me that if we are to ever break up, I am going to have to be the one to end the relationship. Not her. This gives us security in that as long as I don't break up with her, we're going to be together. I am trying my best to not abuse this special power, but I have yelled to her to where I am making her feel like crap, and then cried afterwards because it hurt me to be so mean to her. Just because she won't break up with me doesn't mean I should have free reign to be an a** to her. Am I justified because she is being a b**** to me by holding to her decision to go as Chad's date?

 

I say that because I believe any other girl probably would have gotten sick of me being how I am being and dumped me by now.

 

It's unpredictable what mood I am going to be in and my mood can also suddenly shift without warning. I don't want my girlfriend to become scared to contact me with an attitude of "omg, i wonder what mood he is in over this today".

 

I feel like I am being mean to her.

 

How do you think her mother would feel if she read the things I quoted, said by a 32 year old to a 17 year old over the internet?

 

Those things you said scare me. They are not right. You sound like you are abusing this girl. Re-read them. What good is this relationship doing to either one of you?

[deadxheaven]

Her other friends know, it's just her best friend because she disapproves of people who are online. Because her best friend and cousin are close, her cousin doesn't know either. My girlfriend has three sisters and they know I am her boyfriend.

 

In saying that she's playing along and hoping I break up with her - she's not. If she wanted to be done with this, why not just ignore me? Why keep coming to me? She messages me first when she's online. She calls me after she gets home from school. She calls me every night. I don't make her do those things. She wants to do them and I love her for it. In fact, when I feel like it's not going to be a good experience for her because of my mood lately, she still wants to call me and talk to me online. I admit too that it'd be weird if she didn't call. I could say I didn't want her to, but I'd be lying. i just would be trying to be considerate of her and spare her from my mood. This is hurting and confusing her as much as it is to me, she just doesn't so easily show her emotions like I do.

 

I realise it's not healthy for me. You're not telling me anything I don't know with that. Everything should go back to normal after this stupid dance is done with, or if she's able to talk to Chad and report back to me what his intentions for even asking her to this are.

 

End this? End what? The relationship? That would be stupid because it would seem to say, hey, I never did believe that you and Chad were just friends. I'm going to break up with her because she's not telling her best friend about me? Her best friend who blocked me only with justification by the fact I was a person online? Breaking up is not an option to me. That is such a * * * * * way out. Who wins with that type of solution. I know it seems hard to believe but we are serious about this relationship. It's not just something to pass the time.

 

See what happens? I assume you mean the threat of a breakup would be to see if she'd cancel the dance for fear of losing me or would she still continue with it. That'd be a waste. I have three months with her already. Her last boyfriend treated her horribly and he didn't deserve her. I've wanted to be with her for awhile now. After pretty much deciding I would never be with her, I finally get her and I'd voluntarily give her up? If I break up with her, I won't be able to speak to her but I'll want to speak to her so I will have to forcibly remove myself from the internet chat. It would hurt too much. This would take me away from all of my friends. How selfish would that be?

[teeters]

Does her parents know about you?

[ImThatGirl]

You come accross as very controlling.

 

I have no doubt in my mind that she will do what she wants to do - be a teenager - socialize with people her own age - go to dances.

 

After this post (and your next one,) I strongly believe that she is caught up with you and doesn't know how to get away from you - hence doing something that she knows "hurts" you.

 

Please let this young girl go. Unbelievable.

 

Why haven't you met yet? You haven't answered that one yet.

 

I am honestly scared for this little girl.

[deadxheaven]

I sound like I am abusing her? I am reprimanding her for this stupid decision, feeling awful for being like that to her and then punishing myself for it. It isn't easy to be strict to her over this. I am trying so hard to understand her reasoning. I am hurting because I care about her. I am upset over this situation. I don't want this to happen and later she'll be like ... why did I do that to you? It still seems to just be common sense that this is just something you don't do.

 

Any other time things are not like this. Things were just fine until I learned that this dance date with Chad was still going on. I had thought it had been settled last month and had put it out of my mind. She doesn't want to go to the dance. She hasn't gone to any of her own school's dances of her own choice. She wasn't supposed to go to this dance at her best friend and her cousin's school. Chad is messing things up. If she's not that into me why did she make her away message to say: nothing else will do. i've got to have you. She changed it to that soon after I was becoming upset over this last night and then she called me.

 

I want to isolate this that you said and discuss it.

 

Honestly, I just don't think she's that into you.

 

Oh, and Chad wants to go to the dance with her, because he likes her. He wants to date her. And her actions right now speak volumes about what she thinks about that.

 

 

 

Where are you getting that Chad likes her and wants to date her from this? Chad isn't around for her to get the answers as to why he asked her out. Chad wants her at this dance which she wasn't even intended to be at and I need to know why. I don't know what the reason is, but that is one possibility.

 

My girlfriend's actions speak volumes about what she thinks of Chad supposedly liking her? If Chad does in fact like her, that doesn't mean my girlfriend is lost to me now. I mean. if someone likes you does that automatically require you to like them back? No. She has made it clear to me that she doesn't like him. If he wanted a date for that reason then he wasted his time and should have asked someone else. She is going to the dance for her best friend's sake, not for him. She however, would feel bad to turn him down now and leave him without a date just because he made the mistake of choosing her when she is involved (because he doesn't know she is, so he doesn't know any better). I had no idea the whole not telling her best friend would result in a situation such as this and I'm sure she couldn't have foreseen such a thing either. As I said earlier, when he was asking her to this turnabout dance she didn't even think he was serious and thought he was joking around. If we want to get technical, she shouldn't be allowed to go because the rules are girls ask the guys and he asked her. Also for that reason, I suspect if she comes in as his date everyone at his school is going to think she asked him to this and not the other way around. For that reason, I am glad this is not my girlfriend's school.

[ImThatGirl]

Because she has somehow become attached to you. Finds comfort in the way you "control" her life. Because she has codependent tendencies possibly.

 

Because she's scared of what your reaction would be if she stopped.

[deadxheaven]

You come accross as very controlling.

 

I have no doubt in my mind that she will do what she wants to do - be a teenager - socialize with people her own age - go to dances.

 

After this post (and your next one,) I strongly believe that she is caught up with you and doesn't know how to get away from you - hence doing something that she knows "hurts" you.

 

How can I be coming accross as controlling? Just because I phrase a sentence with the word "abuse" in it doesn't mean I am abusive. I said the term, "abuse this power" .. oh no, I used the word abuse. You seem to be implying that I'm gong to slap around and beat up this girl. This dance, her best friend's cousin asking her to be his date, and her feeling obligated to go to it. That is upsetting to me. I can't imagine what you must think these phone conversations went like with her but I am sure you think the worst. All you did was mark out in red some words which when taken out of context depict me as some abusive controlling jerk. Thanks for that. "I would never do this to her" is to mean I wouldn't go on a date with someone else while I was with her. You once again try to take things out of context

 

Why do you keep insisting that she wants to go to this dance even though she tells me she could care less? She was either supposed to go with her best friend or not go at all. She didn't care either way. If she wants to go to dances why hasn't she gone to any of the other ones at her own school?

 

How can she be doing something that "hurts" me when this decision was made a month ago and I just happened to learn it was still on within the weeks leading up to the date of the dance when I had thought it had been settled before? The idea of her best friend's cousin asking her out to the turnabout dance seemed so absurd she didn't even take it seriously at first.

[TheFoglifter]

Dude... just worry it out, it'll be over soon. Find something to keep you occupied. I know how you feel, and I would be unable to worry no matter HOW many times she said "its nothing, its nothing".

 

If your relationship was meant to survive, it will survive.

 

Best of luck to you.

[deadxheaven]

Because she has somehow become attached to you. Finds comfort in the way you "control" her life. Because she has codependent tendencies possibly.

 

Because she's scared of what your reaction would be if she stopped.

 

Yeah, you just sound like you have all the answers don't you. She's not scared of me. You know who was these qualities that you're thinking you are seeig from me? Her last boyfriend. He was controlling, only came to her when he wanted something from her, she was scared to speak to him, often hid under an away message to avoid him. That is not what I am like. The only thing bad here is this stupid dance situation is not bringing out a good side of me right now. It wil be over. I mean, am I supposed to be happy about this? I can't lie to her that it makes me upset. She's not tryinh to upset me on purpose though. I think you could say she wanted to hurt me or wasn't serious about me if this was any other guy but her best friend's cousin. As I have said again, she'd never even consider going to the dance if it had been any other guy. She has no romantic interest in Chad whatsoever. Furthermore, they barely talk.

[Ellie2006]

 

I am reprimanding her for this stupid decision, feeling awful for being like that to her and then punishing myself for it. It isn't easy to be strict to her over this.

 

Hi,

 

Just *my* two cents (admittedly, you may disagree):

 

1) People in relationships do not "reprimand" one another; this indicates (to me) that your relationship is not an equal partnership (and perhaps cannot be ?? due to your age difference). There is a power hierarchy between you two and the above comment seems to demonstrate that you see yourself as someone in a (higher) position to reprimand her.

 

2) While her decision may appear "stupid" and "illogical" to you (as it has created conflict in your relationship), this is the decision SHE has consciously made, fully knowing how you felt about it. So it would be safe to assume that she does not consider her decision "stupid."

 

I understand why you may be upset: to me, though, she is not the source of this conflict.

 

Your inability to accept her decision (and her right to decide what's best for her even though YOU may disagree) appears to be.

 

Let me ask you this: she is 17. Assuming that she will soon go off to college:

 

Will you get upset if she decides to join a sorority?

 

Will you get upset if she decides to hang out with male friends?

 

Will you get upset everytime she decides to make up her own decision about her own life?

 

Yes, we should be respectful of our SOs feelings. I think she's explained the situation to you well enough: according to you, she does not want to go. Her best friend Angel kind of roped her into going. So she's agreed and she feels like she must keep her word.

 

What more do you need to hear from her?

[sophie274]

 

I am reprimanding her for this stupid decision, feeling awful for being like that to her and then punishing myself for it. It isn't easy to be strict to her over this.

 

 

 

You are not supposed to "reprimand" a girlfriend for something which shes does, and you're not supposed to be strict. To me, you sound like an owner disciplining his dog. Yes, that is controlling. If this whole dance/Chad thing is innocent, why has this thread gone on for so long?

 

Honestly, I don't really want to go into the details of Chad this Angel that. I just don't think it's appropriate given what you have written here. I believe you have a very unhealthy relationship with her, based on unequal power, control. As you see, others are in agreement.

 

I would really advise you to sign off "from online" and never go back on again. If you want the best for this child, you will let her be a child.

[ImThatGirl]

It wasn't just the red words that sounded controlling. It was your whole post. I bolded many lines in red but then went back and changed them leaving only the most unsettling lines in red. Your whole post screams "I have control here. I will manipulate her by telling her how bad it hurts, yelling at her, etc. etc. etc." How do you think her mother would feel or Angel for that matter, if they read that post? Frightened to say the least.

 

 

 

Because if she could care less, she would not go. I've been there. I've told people "I really don't want to go but have to because blah blah blah." As an adult, I am more able to stand up for what I want and communicate clearly and being less concerned about what other people want for me. But it wasn't so long ago that I used to make excuses rather than being bluntly honest and saying "I did this/am doing this because I WANT to and DON'T CARE if it hurts you."

 

Your comment about if she wants to go to dances why hasn't she gone to any of the other ones at her own school: Why hasn't she? Maybe because she wasn't interested. So why this one? (I know, I know bec Angel wants her to.)

 

 

 

 

When she originally told you about him asking her, she implied that she would just make up an excuse a few days before the dance. What happened to that plan? And when you told us of the original discussion, you did not mention that she thought he wasn't serious.

 

I'm still wondering....

 

Why are you dating a 17 yr old? Wouldn't it make sense if you were dating a mature woman that is not concerned with dances and less concerned about keeping their teenage bestfriend happy?

 

Why haven't the two of you met yet?

 

I'm concerned for the well being of you. Because I don't think that this is all realistic. I think it's fantasy land. Illusions. And I'm concerned that you are just refusing to accept that. What will you do if she does start ignoring you? How will you react?

 

I'm concerned for her well being and safety. Seventeen years old! This is a time of exploration. Enjoying life. Learning to make important decisions rather than having someone making all your decisions. Going to school carefree rather than thinking about the 32 year old guy that may or may not yell at her today.

[ImThatGirl]

Then what are you like? How do you normally treat her?

 

You're right, it's not bring out a "good side" of you. Since it's only a "side of you" and it's her fault that it's coming out.... then it's not a true reflection of who you are and what you are like. YOU ARE 32 years old. You should be able to control your emotions and words and moods and anger levels. Since this "date" is bringing out this side of you, what side of you will come out if she does indeed end your relationship at some point?

 

Again - I'm entirely worried about both of your well-being and safety. And I'm concerned that not only do you control her but you will react terribly if things do not go your way.