Should my girlfriend go to a dance with another guy?

[deadxheaven]

I have a timely situation which I desperately need some feedback and advice. Any comments and suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Please keep in mind, however, that this has a deadline because the dance is March 17th and I need to have some answers before that week.

 

My online/long-distance girlfriend of three months informed me in February that her best friend's cousin (let's call him Chad) had asked her to be his date at this dance being held March 17th. Her best friend (let's call her Angel) only associates with people who she actually knows in person. My girlfriend does not want to introduce any unnecessary complications into our relationship if her best friend were to disapprove of her being involved with someone who is online. thereforeeee, Angel and Chad have no clue that my girlfriend isn't single, and are clueless regarding the strain they are putting on our relationship.

 

In February, my girlfriend showed me the online conversation she had where Chad asked her to the dance in March and his words were "you're going to be my date" In her reply she tried to get out of it by suggesting that he ask someone else such as this girl she knew he liked, but then her best friend Angel (who happened to be over at her cousin's house) came on his screename speaking on behalf of him and basically pressured my girlfriend by saying "why are you telling him no when he at least had the balls to ask you... he asked a girl out once before and she rejected him - don't you do that to him too" So my girlfriend felt obligated and forced to agree to go to the dance with Chad. I expressed to my girlfriend that I was upset over this because it just doesn't seem right or proper for a boyfriend to allow his girlfriend to go on a date with another guy. We got into a very serious disagreement which had to be settled over the phone but it concluded with her telling me she just wouldn't go, when the time came she would come up with some excuse, and we left it at that.

 

Now it's March and the dance is just weeks away (the 17th to be exact), and it seems that previous resolution to the situation we had has all but been forgotten because once again the topic of her going to the dance came up the other night for a different reason. She just casually told me she'd probably see this other friend of Angel's at the dance. (who hit on her indirectly by a comment to a picture of Angel, my girlfriend, and another girl posted on Angel's MySpace, saying how Angel's BFF was sexy and he's" gonna bang that..some day"... Of course, that got resolved with both Angel and my girlfriend upset about it and Angel spoke to her friend about how he was out of line with that) but once again I am confronted with the fact that my girlfriend is still mentioning the dance. I had thought she wasn't going to go, but she then explained to me that she is still going to go to this dance with Chad. She claims we never really decided if it was okay for her to go or not. I recall that I had made it pretty clear I didn't want her to go, but she somehow doesn't remember this.

 

My girlfriend and Chad have a bit of a history together. Two years ago, when I was just friends with my girlfriend she told me how she thought she had feelings for Chad and she was going to see if she liked him. One afternoon while chatting to her, she told me how on Saturday while at Angel's she shared to me and implied she had did things with Chad, phrased in her words, "to make a long story short, touch touch, flirt flirt, touch touch"... whether this implies that they made out or what is unclear to me and she barely recalls it. I had to even prove to her she had even done such a thing with Chad by finding the online conversation with her telling me about it and showing her. Also, recently as of the last few months, my girlfriend told me at one time when Chad was showing interest in some other girl, Angel made a remark that she would rather he dated her than that girl. This makes me wonder if this is not some scheme of Angel's to set my girlfriend up with Chad and attempt to get them together. Anyway, I trust my girlfriend but I do not trust this guy because of that past.

 

I have been playing through some worse case scenarios. Even though my girlfriend sees this as a harmless outing with a friend, the fact that Chad labeled it as a date worries me. What if he goes into this expecting her to behave like a date as opposed to a friend? What if he tries to kiss her, and worse, succeeds? How can I live with myself knowing my girlfriend was kissed by another guy when I could have had a say in the matter to prevent it? What if he wants to slow dance with her? It is a dance, after all. The thought of another guy placing his hands on my girlfriend's body upsets me. I mean, I don't get to have any physical contact with my girlfriend because of the nature of our relationship, so how is this fair some other guy should get that privilege?

 

My girlfriend is committed to me and loves me very much and would never hurt me or cheat on me. I trust her. In fact, she didn't even have to tell me of any of this and could have just gone without my knowledge, and I probably would have been none the wiser. She doesn't like seeing me upset and hurt and she reassures me that nothing is going to happen. They're just friends. Would he have asked her to this dance if he had known she wasn't single? I wonder. She also doesn't want to let down Chad and reject him and hurt his feelings since he can't find a date other than her, nor does she want to disappoint her best friend, Angel. Angel and Chad have no idea I am in the picture. My girlfriend has told me she might not even be able to get a ride to this and she might not even be able to go. She also has suggested maybe she could come up with some excuse for not being able to go. Also there is the option where she can just go and I will have to be okay with it and trust nothing will go wrong. Maybe, despite Chad's words I need to stop looking at this as a date, perhaps? Or maybe I could give her my consent as long as some ground rules were established that she would make Chad aware of. I just don't like that my girlfriend might have had a date while she was with me. That just seems so tacky and something you just don't do in a committed relationship. We are exclusive, this is not an open relationship.

 

She has tried her best to comfort me. I was so disgusted and annoyed, wondering too if perhaps I was being controlling or petty and selfish and only thinking of myself, that I suggested perhaps we shouldn't speak to one another until this whole thing blows over, while I am in a upset mood such as this, but that of course can't happen because that would hurt her as much as it would hurt me. If we can help it, we don't even go a day without some form of contact with each other, be it online chatting or phone conversation, usually a mixture of both. In fact, she called me that same night as usual even though I had been upset to her online. She tells me she always wants to talk to me no matter what my mood is - at least we're still talking.

 

Also, before I got together with her, my girlfriend was a close friend of mine for two years and she shared everything to me that she did, good or bad. When she was with her last boyfriend she admitted to me she had learned he was cheating and she herself was doing some cheating as well - "we both mess around too much with others". But my situation is much different and my girlfriend is very committed and loving to me. She knows I don't want to be with anyone else but her and it is a mutual sentiment. She knows the words I speak come from the heart and are not just convenient well chosen lines to tell her what I think she wants to hear. We have even discussed our plans of a future together and she isn't scared by any of that. I am aware she wasn't the most faithful in her last online relationship whom I actually was the cause of what ended it. She now regrets a lot of her past behaviour and distances herself from her old self. Being with me just within the first week of our first month together had already changed her and bettered her as a person. I know they say, once a cheater, always a cheater but that doesn't apply at all to her relationship with me now. She knows that she is not being mistreated at all by me and I have the best intentions for both of us even though I may overreact and worry and become over-sensitive at times, she is very happy and we are both very loving and affectionate and supportive of each other. Although she is still quite new to relationships (I am one of the first boyfriends she has ever been serious with), she definitely knows now what love is supposed to be like and we both agree we made the best decision in choosing each other.

 

I want our relationship to last. Situations such as this dance make things difficult for both of us. She wants to please everyone in this situation, but she also doesn't want to hurt me and she doesn't like at all what this is doing to me and how it is beginning to make me behave towards her. Am I worried over nothing and should I just let her go to the dance, or should I exert some of my control I should have a right to as her significant other and tell her to not go? She really doesn't care either way personally whether she goes to this dance or not. She just feels obligated to.

[Vinny]

Don't tell her not to go. You should never demand anything of her, especially when the situation is delicate. Do you trust her? It sounds like you do, even though she has a history of infidelity. If you honestly trust her, tell her this. Tell her that you're nervous about her going to a dance with this guy because of the way he feels about her, but also tell her that it's ok if she goes, because you trust her to be in control. Let her have fun, in fact, hope she has fun and tell her this, as long as it's true. Don't lie to her or make up excuses.

 

If it makes you feel better, I do not believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater". People can and do certainly change for the better. If you are in love with her, let her be her own person and do what she needs to do. If she did not get out of the situation of the dance on her own (this alone should give you hope that she's not going to do something stupid), don't try to force her out of it. Just let it be. Chances are, she'll go with him, maybe he'll try flirting with her or something more, but she'll reject it.

 

You may be extremely sad or nervous while you know she's out with him. Try to suck it up, I know it's hard, I've been in a similar situation. Just let her have her night out. Don't call her a million times. She will probably tell you everything about it if you two are as close as you say. So wait until it's over, and let her talk about it.

 

I guess what I'm getting at in all of this is..

 

1. Don't try to be controlling or demanding of her in this situation. It may make her have second thoughts.

 

2. Trust her. I hope you do, and make it clear to her that you trust her.

 

3. Be supportive. Let her go, let her have fun (or not), and talk to her about it afterwards, but do not be overly inquisitive, and whatever you do, don't interrogate her.

 

I think that everything is going to be just fine, and if you can get through the feelings that you will probably have while she's actually at the dance, everything will turn out fine.

 

Good luck

[Batya33]

If you have never met her in person I don't think it's fair to expect exclusivity - until you meet and have been dating in person consistently for at least a few months.

 

If you have never met in person, your romantic feelings and her romantic feelings are based on your image of the other based on typing and talking - which is a far cry from feelings based on knowing a person in person. It's great to be platonic friends- even best friends - and to plan to date if and when you meet and spend time together in person - but to put these kinds of restrictions on someone you've never met in person is unfair to each other and unfair to yourselves.

 

Obviously, she is not willing to tell her friends that she has a boyfriend because at least a part of her puts you in a different category because you've never met in person. I don't buy the "my friend would disapprove" - that's an excuse - she is simply telling you that her friend's approval is more important to her than her commitment to you - she may say she feels committed to you but she is not willing to behave like a committed person. Rather she wants the benefits of telling herself "I have a boyfriend!" without the tradeoffs that would happen if she met you in real life - such as, no dating others.

 

I think you tell her - if and when we meet and spend time together in person over at least a few months we can see if we are compatible to date and have a long term relationship and if these romantic feelings of love are there and grow when we know each other in person. Until then, please feel free to date whoever you please and let's promise not to talk about our dates to each other because that is unnecesarily hurtful. Then work hard on making the real life relationship a reality.

 

This is just my personal opinion based on my experience with meeting many people in person who I first typed and talked to on line. You two have no idea what the other is like in person - ranging from body language, mannerisms, energy, vibes and yes, in a small way, physical attraction including looks, scent, personal habits.

 

You haven't seen her in person (web cams don't count) angry, excited, happy, sad, how she interacts with people in person, etc. And the fact that she has a mypsace page where she lets people post comments tells me she is probably not mature enough to handle the responsibilities and work of an in person healthy committed relationship - which is probably why she prefers the fantasy of an on line boyfriend. And it is a fantasy - based on images of each other from typing and talking. The reason you don't get to have physical contact is because both of you have chosen not to meet or chosen to be in a situation where it is not feasible to meet.

 

I hope you come out of your comfort zone - these on line relationships are very safe because you have none of the responsibilities of a real in person relationship and you don't have to deal with the person in person which can be challenging -- and meet a woman in real life. It is more challenging but far more rewarding.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear, and it is nothing to me if you choose not to take my advice or even if you vehemently disagree- that's fine. Just giving my humble opinion.

[deadxheaven]

Well, Batya33, I will take the vehemently disagree option then. Although, you're not even really worth arguing against because you didn't read my post fully. I am pretty sure you just skimmed it because you seem to have missed all the details. First off, if you had been paying attention the comment was not on my girlfriend's MySpace but was on her best friend's. Big difference. There is nothing wrong with the comments that are being left on my girlfriend's MySpace, that was her best friend's. (Not to mention this wasn't even pertaining to the question I was asking and was just a backstory as to why the matter of the dance was once again brought up) Also you misunderstood the part where I explained my girlfriend doesn't romantically like this guy, he's her best friend's cousin. At one time in the past she tested if she might like him in the romantic sense but it wasn't happening. He is the one who asked her to be his date for the dance - she didn't ask him. She's not coming to me with, "oh, baby, I'm gonna go on a date... hope you don't mind". She just is trying to do the right thing and make everyone okay with the situation. She even tried to get out of it and suggest he ask someone else. She's looking at my side but she's also looking at Chad's. He needed someone to accompany him to the dance with. If she turns him down now he has a week to find someone else to go with and his feelings most likely will be hurt for a reason he doesn't even know the full story behind. You make too many assumptions. These are not the actions of an immature girl who wants to willingly go on dates with others because she doesn't feel committed to me. She is most certainly not taking advantage of the fact that we're not physically together right at the moment so she can date around but still say she has the security of a "boyfriend" to fall back upon when she's bored. She is very committed to the relationship. We both are. Read more carefully next time.

 

Your remark of "meet a woman in real life" is out of line because you seem to assume I have never had a relationship with anyone except through online dating. Special circumstances is really all this comes down to. I feel my girlfriend is special enough to go through all of this for. I wouldn't do this if I didn't feel she wasn't worth it. Also, long distance/online relationships can work out. I lived with and later was even engaged to a girl I first spoke to online for a period of months until my friend offered to take me on a roadtrip to meet her - she broke up with her boyfriend at the time for me before we had even met. After that we carried the relationship long distance until we finally got jobs in the same town and a place together. Unfortunately, I just chose the wrong person. I should have known better to begin with - all the warning signs were there. So after awhile, she left me. So, I made a mistake. It didn't sour my outlook or attitude towards pursuing further online/long distance relationships though. It just has to be the right person.

[Batya33]

Thanks for sharing - you have a very direct way of writing! I am in a long distance relationship. I am only speaking to "relationships" where you have never met the person in person, just to be clear.

 

She and her friends "sound" lovely - and you sound a bit defensive, but that's understandable under the circumstances. Good luck and I hope it all works out.

[rikka]

I'll add my couple of cents in the mix (just cause I can

 

Firstly, I don't think you should exert any "control" over the situation. You have nothing to control. You have no "right" or no "claim" to this girl. She is a person, free to live her life and make her own choices. That being said, you do have a right to your own feelings and opinions. The only option you have is to share your feelings on the issue with her and let her make up her own mind on the issue. You should not pressure her into any decision, or force her to do something, that is not your place.

 

Now, one of the major issues I see here (and where it seems like the problem is arising) is from this girl not telling her friends about her relationship. See, if she just said "I'm involved with someone" this whole mess would not exist.

 

As to what to do or what happens next? Well that is all up to her, all you can do is tell her how you feel.

 

Good luck.

[deadxheaven]

She knows how I feel and in fact I've even told her the other day that I might post about it on a forum to get some more opinions rather than discussing it with every single one of my friends because people close to me really don't need to know all this. In fact, after I made this post on this forum I shared it to her. We have open communication and we don't keep the things we do from one another. Despite, this perceived conflict in our relationship and the date of it approaching, we still speak to one another as we did before and she calls me nightly as always. I am not trying to let it consume me. I think the whole reason I am bothered by this at all is because Chad asked her to the dance by saying she was going to be his "date". thereforeeee, in my mind the entire situation has become a date, and in looking at it from that perspective, my mind started envisioning all the things one usually associates with being on a date. I don't think I would have been upset at all if he hadn't presented it to her as a "date" and if they didn't have that history in their past. Then I could just view it as her going to the dance with a friend.

 

I would also like to point out that she doesn't view it as controlling if I were to just flat out tell her not to go. She is trying her best to not do anything to upset or worry me. The stress from the situation caused both her and I to think about it all day and it resulted in us both having headaches. Also, there is still the chance she still may not be able to go. She also reassured me once more that Chad isn't going to try to kiss her or put moves on her - if she has to go, she's going to make it clear to him that they are just going as friends.

 

She has good intentions for not telling her best friend. Her best friend doesn't speak to people online whom she doesn't know. This fact was really driven home for me when one past month something was wrong with my girlfriend and I made a bold move on my behalf to instant message Angel since she was there and possibly might be able to get her some help or check on her. I made no mention of my involvement with her. I just briefly introduced myself and then expressed my concern. After my talk with her, which I feel had gone well, since Angel could see I was worried, a few days later my girlfriend was chatting to me and shared me a conversation of hers which she had just had with Angel and it was then I realised that Angel was online but not showing on my buddy list. She had blocked me simply for the reason that I am a person online. At the time I was pretty upset and offended and I took it personally. It didn't matter that I was worried and upset about my girlfriend/her best friend. My girlfriend told me that Angel did call her and tell her that someone was really concerned and worried about her, however, and added that "wow, he must really care about you if he had the guts to come to ME about that". Of course my girlfriend knew right away that "someone" Angel was referring to was me, and when I spoke to my girlfriend next I told her I had been so worried that I had messaged her best friend and showed her the brief conversation we had.

 

My girlfriend is just trying to make everything go well for us and not introduce unnecessarily complications to the point where Angel might choose to intervene and try to change my girlfriend's mind about being with me. Of course, my girlfriend has a mind of her own, but I'm sure everyone is aware of what a persistent meddling best friend can be capable of. It bothered me at first too earlier in the relationship when she told me she couldn't tell her best friend, since I had told my own best friend about her, so it seemed one-sided. I am beginning to understand why now more and more. She's doing it to protect us and yes, the dance date is an unfortunate result of us having to keep our relationship secretive to her best friend. She has told her other friends about me or at least that she is in a relationship with someone. It's just her best friend Angel and her cousin who are being kept out of the loop.

[Batya33]

How do you know "Angel" isn't a man and her boyfriend or spouse and how do you know that perhaps it's because Angel has information your girlfriend doesn't want you to know? How do you know Angel is really a "best friend" - you just know that based on what your girlfriend typed and talked to you, yes? It's very easy to hide these kind of things on line. Not saying your girlfriend is not to be trusted but it's very convenient for her to blame the fact that she can't say no to a date because her "best friend" wouldn't approve of her having a boyfriend on line. Sounds a bit like she wants the benefits of having a "boyfriend" while still being able to date and since it's just typing and talking on line she can "blame" it on her "best friend." Hmmmm. Just my interpretation.

[deadxheaven]

Hello, again Batya33. You really are skeptical and pessimistic, but of course you are entitled to that. My girlfriend was my friend for two years prior to us getting together. A mutual friend of ours introduced me to her because at that time she and her were very close and really good friends and she felt I would get along with her as well. She had no idea how well we would hit it off. She found herself talking to me more and more and coming to me with her problems and concerns and sharing her life experiences and conversation rather than to our mutual friend. Eventually, the friendship they had grew more distant and within a short time I ended up replacing the mutual friend to my would-be girlfriend.

 

Angel is who my girlfriend says she is because my girlfriend spoke of her to me even while we were still just friends. I've always heard about Angel from her during the entire time I have been speaking to her. Why would she have had an ulterior motive to hide anything from me back then when we only had our friendship and had not yet realised our feelings for one another?

 

This love did not happen instantly, it developed over those years as trust and understanding were being built. Throughout the course of our friendship both of us have shared how our significant others at the time were mistreating us, or we'd mention other people whom we liked, and gave each other advice and encouragement and support, as well as discussing our interests and likes and dislikes and just having very involved conversations with nothing held back, which resulted in us getting to know each other better and better. We bonded and we both got a good idea of what each of us was about. We have gone back through our past conversations online to one another and even can pick out specific points and moments over this time and months where there were actually quite a few missed opportunities on both of our parts to admit to these feelings we were having. She even secretly had told me she loved me subtley now and then by telling me those words in French and Finnish on occasion (It was so subtle I missed these hints entirely). We also had started this thing where we told each other "I love you" (in the friendship sense) since we mentioned we did this with our own best friends and we should do the same. At the time she was single and dating around, I seemed unapproachable to her because I seemed to always be involved with someone, (but not at all happy). Looking at it now I wasn't in anything serious and I would have gladly given up any one of those girls if I had known I could have had her. It seemed as though we were both hiding our feelings behind these other people. When I would mention some girl I liked, she would bring up some guy she liked almost in retaliation. Eventually she began to get the idea of ever going out with me as something that wouldn't ever happen. By the time I realised what I had been doing and came to terms with the fact that I liked her as more than a friend, it seemed all was lost because she shared to me the news that she now had a boyfriend. From then on, I always heard how upset and confused she was over the guy she was with and how she was still trying to see if she had feelings for someone else. She disclosed that she has suspicions to believe he was cheating on her with others and she had sent some friend to spy on him on an online chat and these suspicions were confirmed. Also he had a lady friend over for a "cuddly sleepover" while with her and told her about it saying "you don't mind do you?". He would be signed online all the time but but barely messaged her for days to weeks at a time. And if he did say anything it'd be a casual "hey" or "how did you get to be so amazing", and then he'd go silent. Other times she told me she'd be talking to him and then he'd never reply or answer for hours without giving any reason. She got so discouraged with speaking to him, she'd give up, and just go on away and chat to other people so he didn't know whether she was there or not. Him being on all the time was nothing to look forward to and it was affecting her very negatively. It got to the point where she didn't even consider herself with him any longer, although sh still kept track of their monthly anniversaries. She herself in turn was developing bad habits of infidelity and started cheating on him a little herself because she was lost and she felt so neglected and unwanted. I knew I would never treat her in such a way, and told her so repeatedly everytime she told me of him behaving like this and I saw how upset she was. I missed a huge hint a few months back when she told me she was going to break up with him even. She was beginning to become very disillusioned in her attitude towards love and relationships, going so far as to telling me it's not possibe to find all that you want in a single person and so you should fool around for the other stuff. She suggested I should start to do the same since I was unhappy as well. Our unhappiness brought us closer together.

 

All it took was one day when we were talking online and even though I was aware she was involved, I finally took a chance and told her that I liked her. She replied back with, "good. because I like you too" (and after apologising for how unintentionally conceited that sounded, we both laughed about it). She then elaborated that if she didn't like a person back and they said "I like you" to her, she'd answer with "What do you like about me?" but this was not the case with me. The day soon turned into evening and she concluded with "I love you (my name)", to which I replied, "I love you too" and from that moment on we were together. She didn't speak to her boyfriend every day online because he was often busy or preoccupied and only seemed to come to her when he needed something. So a few more days later when he did approach her she told him she had found someone else and she ended it with him. From then on we have been inseparable. She called me for the first time on her own without the mutual friend (we used to do two-way calling) and here we were one-on-one talking nonstop. From then on the calls never stopped, as well as texting back and forth and more online chatting every day and night.

 

I know it is true that some people are not as they appear to be online. I know this all too well. In fact, I used to be somewhat friends with a girl who makes her living by using another girl's identity and passing it off as her own. She is a troubled girl, always having her fake MySpace profiles and livejournal accounts suspended and reported for identity theft. I have spoken online to the girl she poses as even. It is unfortunate this girl cannot be content just being her own person and instead chooses voluntarily to live her online life as someone else.

 

My girlfriend and her best friend take pictures of each other together when they hang out. I used to have her best friend added to my messenger buddy list and I could read her away messages and info and sometimes other guys she liked were mentioned and this matched up to what my girlfriend was telling me. I guess it just comes down to you being not on the inside to our relationship and you are offering me an "outsider looking in" perspective.

[Batya33]

Oh, I'm not cynical or pessimistic - I just have what I believe to be a realistic perspective about the viability of an exclusive romantic relationship between two people who have never met in person. What I do find pessimistic at times are those people (not you, I don't know you) who hang on to "on line" romantic "relationships because they are too cynical to take the plunge and the risks inherent in a real life in person romantic relationship. I do not doubt that you believe you love her and she you - I do doubt that that love has any relevance to whether you two of you would be compatible in a real life romantic relationship.

 

Again, that's just me - not saying I am right just giving my perspective based on my experiences and those of many many others.

[deadxheaven]

Well, Batya33, you're right, that is none of your business. My girlfriend and I are doing just fine, thank you very much, and we were doing just fine without your paranoid concerns as well. Of course we plan on meeting. You can know right now that you didn't introduce any new doubts or suspicions into my head relating to the nature of my relationship. Do you go into every one of the threads on these boards to play devil's advocate? The original intent of my post has gone completely off-topic. I wanted some helpful advice and answers, not to have my entire relationship dissected and analysed under a microscope. I really feel this all could have ended with Vinny's reply, since it was the only truly useful post. I liked it and it just echoed what I was thinking deep down anyway. I was stuck on the fact that Chad had labeled it as a date. It's not a date, it's just the term for her accompanying him to the dance. It's a dance, it's not like they're going to a candelight dinner with one another. I just wanted to see if a stranger would say the same thing my best friend was trying to tell me. He did. Rikka gets some points too for stating the obvious: "See, if she just said "I'm involved with someone" this whole mess would not exist." I still, however, am curious if he would have asked her still even if he knew she was involved. If I knew that I would have seen better it was just a friends thing and he needed a date and was just coming to her as a friend. I would have been fine with that. It's just that word: date. It's just human nature I think to be jealous. I trust my girlfriend and she gives me no reason to think otherwise. I just was trying to view it morally and compared it to the unfortunate situation my girlfriend was placed in by her ex-boyfriend and I didn't want that to happen to me, good intentions or not. Also, I was drawing from past experiences which was also very unfair to her. I just love my girlfriend very much and somehow lost sight of the fact that none of this applies to her because she is so very different from any other girl I have known. In defending our relationship, it has only re-affirmed my love and devotion to her. I really don't care any more to continue building upon this post, and I really didn't need to even reply to any of the things you said because you are not us. Somehow, I had too much time on my hands and I felt I could at least try to explain, but how can that be accomplished when my words will fall on deaf ears. Whatever. Carry on doing what you do and I hope that works out for you.

[Batya33]

I did respond to your concerns - a few times. to repeat, I would not feel comfortable with someone I was exclusively involved with hiding our relationship from a best friend or going as someone's date to an event where the person did not know I - his girlriend - existed. But that's just me.

 

I disagree with your interpretation of my post and we do agree that you have feelings of love for her so if my post re-affirmed that, so much the better.

 

Have fun meeting her!

[Rabican]

I didnt read your whole post... so My advice may be a little obsolete.

 

Anyways, the first thing your GF should do is tell the guy, and her friend that pressured her into this that she has a boyfriend. She doesnt need to go into details if she doesnt want to. But the guy at the very least needs to know that they are going as friends. Chances are he will drop his request right there and try to find another girl.

 

Secondly, if you trust her, then I wouldnt make a big deal of her going. If you do not really trust her (which can be hard to do in a LD relationship) then id suggest telling her that you would RATHER her not go... but its up to her.

 

If she goes anyways, that sort of tells you if she respects your feelings or not.

[deadxheaven]

Actually, the more I look at this it seems like Chad and Angel just wanted her at the dance and the method they are using is her to come as Chad's "date" because Angel has a date of her own. Originally, it was going to be that my gf was just going to go to the dance with Angel. As she told me, "Her best friend had to go and eff it up by getting a date of her own and her cousin had to go and eff it up even further with this will you be my date crap". I told her when she speaks to him next to just casually be like "this is going as just friends right?" so he can get any potential thoughts (if he had any) of it being anything otherwise from his mind. I really do feel now she will be in control, especially since Angel is going to be there too and she's going to just let Chad do his thing and end up talking to Angel for much of the night. I don't know why I wasn't thinking of that. I was thinking way too much and not focusing on the right things. Not to mention it even seems poorly planned since Angel and Chad they didn't go through the proper channels and get her a permission slip so she could attend and just are going to try to sneak her in.

[deadxheaven]

I didnt read your whole post... so My advice may be a little obsolete.

 

Anyways, the first thing your GF should do is tell the guy, and her friend that pressured her into this that she has a boyfriend. She doesnt need to go into details if she doesnt want to. But the guy at the very least needs to know that they are going as friends. Chances are he will drop his request right there and try to find another girl.

 

Secondly, if you trust her, then I wouldnt make a big deal of her going. If you do not really trust her (which can be hard to do in a LD relationship) then id suggest telling her that you would RATHER her not go... but its up to her.

 

If she goes anyways, that sort of tells you if she respects your feelings or not.

 

Angel is my girlfriend's best friend of a number of years, so how could she NOT be expected to go into details about me if she were to tell her she had a boyfriend? A best friend would want to know everything and not be content at just being aware she is seeing someone. That is also why Chad is out of the loop, because he is Angel's cousin. Since Angel is unaware of me, he has to be as well. I do trust her. i realise more and more my actions are indicating otherwise but at least my girlfriend sort of understands where I am coming from this. She does respect my feelings. This isn't fun for her to come online looking forward to talking to me and I may or may not be upset over this dance situation at any given moment. One moment we chat I will be perfectly fine but then the next I'm a wreck because she left and I got to thinking more and made myself upset once again. This includes phone calls as well. This is no way to conduct my week.

[TheFoglifter]

In a LDR, trust is all you have. If I were in your position, I would summarize my feelings in a very clear manner that put emphasis on her remaining in control. Remember, it is the fact that "Chad" is acting like a date that is hte problem, not her going to the dance.

 

Something like "I want you to have fun, but I am concerned about Chad's intentions. I trust you, but I do not trust him so please don't let him do anything he shouldn't.

 

This statement does not at any time call her fidelity into question, and it puts the blame squarely where it belongs, on Chad's shoulders. You don't want to guilt her into not going because her friends will just guilt her back, and they have the power of being there in person. She is in a difficult position, with both sides pulling on her.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but no matter how much your gf says "I'll be in control" and "I won't let Chad do anything" all you can do is hope for the best. A thousand and one cheating stories begin with "I didn't mean to do anything, it just happened". Be prepared for the worst, because if Chad is a skilled charmer, and he says all the right things, then you have a HUGE challenge on your hands that you are coming upon with a big disadvantage.

 

Don't forbid her, just make your feelings known and hope for the best.

[ImThatGirl]

My humble opinion which you may not want....

 

LDR - online relationships can possibly be "illusions."

 

You two have known each other for 2 years.

You haven't met.

When do you plan to meet? What's stopping you?

She's going on a "date" with another guy. Didn't see you post anything about her stating "okay fine I'll go but only as a friend!" during their conversation.

 

You can comfort and justify this situation any way you wish. But... It takes bricks to build a house - just like trust and stability in a relationship. And it appears that your relationship is missing alot of those bricks.

 

And on a side note. I've talked to men on the internet before. For years. I was immature about it and just went with the flow and most likely was somewhat misleading with my perception of our friendships while the man on the other side had great plans for us. How could they plan on us getting married or say all those things with knowing we'd possibly never meet? Just a little insight. She can easily go along with things like your relationship. But the fact that she is going on a date, hasn't told anyone about you, big red flags in my eyes!

 

Hope you don't get upset about this since it's going against what you want to hear.

[deadxheaven]

Hope you don't get upset about this since it's going against what you want to hear.

 

No, because it doesn't apply to us. Now everyone else is looking at this as a date because I started that. What actually should be taken into account is had this been any other guy besides her best friend's cousin, she would have turned him down flat. There would be no pressure or obligation in a situation like that for a dance she didn't really care if she attended or not in the first place.

[Batya33]

However, the reason there is an obligation is because she has chosen to hide the fact that she has a boyfriend from her best friend. That's the real problem and what you seem not to be taking into account. What kind of relationship do you have --- and what kind of friend is the "best friend" if she won't share that she has a boyfriend even if it means going on a date with another man?

[ImThatGirl]

No, because it doesn't apply to us. Now everyone else is looking at this as a date because I started that. What actually should be taken into account is had this been any other guy besides her best friend's cousin, she would have turned him down flat. There would be no pressure or obligation in a situation like that for a dance she didn't really care if she attended or not in the first place.

 

 

I'm sorry that you are not getting the advice and words that you "want" to hear.

 

The fact is if she really felt a strong commitment to you, her friend would already know about you and this wouldn't be an issue period. There's no excuse for her not telling her best friend (at the least) about you.

 

The guy, Chad - thinks it is a date.

Your girlfriend hasn't set it straight yet and most likely won't before the date. Not to mention that she's had prior "relations" with him.

 

You didn't answer -

Why haven't the two of you met?

 

Good luck to you~~~~~~~~~

[jengh]

I'm sorry that you are not getting the advice and words that you "want" to hear.

 

The fact is if she really felt a strong commitment to you, her friend would already know about you and this wouldn't be an issue period. There's no excuse for her not telling her best friend (at the least) about you.

 

The guy, Chad - thinks it is a date.

Your girlfriend hasn't set it straight yet and most likely won't before the date. Not to mention that she's had prior "relations" with him.

 

You didn't answer -

Why haven't the two of you met?

 

Good luck to you~~~~~~~~~

 

 

I agree with ITG... you're getting defensive because they're not telling you what you want to hear. They're giving you their honest opinion from an unbiased standpoint. Take Batya's advice to heart. Some very good/smart things were said. Don't jump to conclusions.

I'm also curious as to why you've never met.

[deadxheaven]

The guy, Chad - thinks it is a date.

Your girlfriend hasn't set it straight yet and most likely won't before the date. Not to mention that she's had prior "relations" with him.

 

The "relations" happened two years ago and she was testing to see if she could feel anything for him in the romantic sense. She didn't. She views him as she would a brother. He may still like her, though. What, do you think I don't discuss this with her? She's going to ask two questions to him... "Why did you decide to ask me to this dance and not someone else" "You do know we're going to this dance as friends, right?" It is just a matter of when she speaks to him next and then I will have those answers and go from there.

[jengh]

also, how old are you and your girlfriend out of curiosity

[deadxheaven]

I agree with ITG... you're getting defensive because they're not telling you what you want to hear.

 

What do I want to hear then? We just started going out in December after being friends for two years.

[deadxheaven]

also, how old are you and your girlfriend out of curiosity

Since, a few of you feel this is important: 32 and 17.. We share the same zodiac sign and both of us have birthdays coming up.