How many girls here have been used for sex?

[Locke2121]

By telling the truth! Like this: "He said WHAT! Oh really...do you want to know the real truth?" And just go from there. Let them know what kind of slimeball he really is. Alot of women around you will be really glad of the information!

[mintblossom]

If I'm lucky, I will never have to see or interact with him or anyone he knows ever again. I doubt I am the first woman he has burned. I doubt I will be the last. I doubt that he developed these behaviors overnight.

 

I am going to learn to be very protective of myself.

[Locke2121]

Thats good....but don't forget to let people in from time to time.

[Batya33]

By telling the truth! Like this: "He said WHAT! Oh really...do you want to know the real truth?" And just go from there. Let them know what kind of slimeball he really is. Alot of women around you will be really glad of the information!

 

And just as many people will wonder about her stability, what his side of the story was, and why she is spreading this type of negative information - and why she dated him in the first place, how many other men she has been with. It may not be fair to think that but that is a likely result. I wouldn't want to be known as the woman who trashes the men I was involved with.

[mintblossom]

Women really have very little recourse in society when something is done to them. It's damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

Short of something that crosses the legal lines happening...women can't do anything. And I think men know that. They know that as long as they stay within legal limits, they can pull all sorts of crap. And many do.

[Batya33]

If I'm lucky, I will never have to see or interact with him or anyone he knows ever again. I doubt I am the first woman he has burned. I doubt I will be the last. I doubt that he developed these behaviors overnight.

 

I am going to learn to be very protective of myself.

 

I think it's a balance. Why not allow a man to date you, take you out to dinner, for a walk in the park, to a museum, to meet his friends at a party, let him put in the effort in the beginning to call you in advance, plan fun activities, etc. Then after a few months of being treated like a lady and with respect, you can slowly open up to him. As far as intimacy, no need to tell him about your past or your mistakes - simply show by your actions that you know you deserve to be treated like a lady and with respect. Don't go to his place or invite him to yours for at least the first month - 4 or 5 dates, when you do, have it be for a short time for a soda before going out for dinner, or serve dessert but don't be his dessert. If he pressures you, simply say once, nicely but firmly "I don't get intimate until I have known the person for at least a few months and we are exclusive." Once. If you have to say it more than twice, walk away because that is a good sign he is not a match for you. No defensiveness or "because I was abused, I am scared."

 

When you tell people early on you were abused and you're scared, it might make them feel they are not dealing with someone who is stable enough to handle life, much less a relationship. That is your own private business until and unless you are with someone for months and serious. It's too "verbakl diahrrea." I went on a second date with a guy who spent the first hour telling me the sob story of his divorce. I ran. Fast. And I was right to given the six emails the next day of varying accusations with the sixth begging me for my forgiveness.

 

Don't lie but don't feel you have to spill your guts. If a man pries into your past/personal life too soon say "I appreciate you want to know and I will tell you when I am comfortable enough. It's ok to wait for physical and emotional intimacy!

[skyblue1]

I have been used for sex many times Does hurt and makes you wonderful does anyone want me for who i am? Guess i'm not going to give in anymore and if they want me they must wait

[Batya33]

What will make you "wonderful" (loved your typo!) is being more selective. The conclusion isn't whether there is no one who likes you for what you are - the conclusion is that for some reason you are not liking yourself for what you are otherwise you wouldn't be choosing to have casual sex when you know that doesn't work for you.

[EvaGina]

Been used for sex a lot... and used sex to get affection (as lousy as that is)

Been raped by three men and pressured by lord knows how many others...

 

But then, when you are with someone who is with you for you, the sex is amazing... it means so much.

[Locke2121]

How you do it.....I can't imagine.

[TheFoglifter]

... was the first time I have met someone who can lie so easily and so fast."

 

Guess you don't hang out with many other women.

 

... do not understand how a person can care about their image, care to "look" like a good guy, then set me up on purpose, lie, manipulate, distort reality, behave and treat me badly and then say it's all my fault."

 

Yeah, you definitely don't hang out with many women. Believe it or not, they are capable of this too.

 

... think one of the worst parts is that he just doesnt care and never cared about me."

 

There are two sides to every story, and I wonder what his was.

 

... sure he sleeps easily at night but I feel very tormented and disturbed. "

 

Believe it or not, there are guys out there who do feel bad afterwards.

 

I'm really sorry if you feel like you have been used. I feel used all the damn time, sometimes to the point of questioning whether or not I should be a useful person. I create value, I am able to provide as much, or more than I take. This sometimes makes me believe that I am either giving too much, or taking too little.

 

You'll be fine, just promise me you aren't going to judge every single man you meet from this point on based on this single act. I tell you I am quite sick and tired of feeling like I alone have to answer for all the crimes of men, and make whole women who were scorned.

[TheFoglifter]

... really have very little recourse in society when something is done to them. "

 

I don't think I've ever heard anything farther from the truth. All women have to do is make the accusation, and the man's life can be ruined.

[EvaGina]

... really have very little recourse in society when something is done to them. "

 

I don't think I've ever heard anything farther from the truth. All women have to do is make the accusation, and the man's life can be ruined.

 

its not actually as easy as that.

remembering that we are still shackled by old-fashioned society values a lot of the time.

 

Fer christs sake, they think that only a THIRD of rapes are reported... I would estimate more like only a 10th...

 

I know you have never really had good experiences with women, but can you please stop acting like we are all evil liers? we are people too, you know.

[TheFoglifter]

... doubt that he developed these behaviors overnight."

 

It is entirely possible that once upon a time he was one of these proverbial prince charming nice guys, and all that he got in return was used -- maybe one too many girls were happy to have him pay for dinners and movies, blab to him about their problems, but then when it came time for what HE wanted, they'd leave.

 

I have a friend who at the age of 26, is only now finally staying past the 3 month mark in a relationship. I asked him about it and he said that he always leaves when the "crap" starts -- when its no longer fun, and when the girl just becomes a big hassle. I can only imagine how much fun he's had over the years experiencing sex with so many different girls.

 

FYI, he's not super-hot, but he has the incredible confidence and the girls just seem to jump at his feet, so anything that happened was definitely mutual.

 

... not allow a man to date you, take you out to dinner, for a walk in the park, to a museum, to meet his friends at a party, let him put in the effort in the beginning to call you in advance, plan fun activities, etc. Then after a few months of being treated like a lady and with respect, you can slowly open up to him"

 

OK again, BALANCE is the key!! Men want to avoid becoming "girlfriends with a pen1s". Men will show you romance, and listen to your problems and pay for dates, but they have to get things that they want too. I guarantee you that if you set some ridiculous standard and expect men to wine and dine you for months on end without so much as a kiss, you are NEVER going to get a long term relationship.

 

Its a lot like a rewards program where you have to mail in a bunch of coupons according to very very strict rules, and buy a lot of stuff to get the bar codes. You have to get a BIG payoff for it to be worth the trouble.

[applepie]

I don't feel that I've ever been used for sex. There have been a couple of times where I probably shouldn't have had sex, but I refuse to label myself as a victim. For me it's an act between two consenting adults. If I thought for one minute that I thought I was going to be upset by being "used", I wouldn't do it. I take responsibilty for my own actions. I don't expect anyone to fall head over heels in love with me for having sex with them. That's a crucial mistake that too many women make.

[EvaGina]

I have a friend who at the age of 26, is only now finally staying past the 3 month mark in a relationship. I asked him about it and he said that he always leaves when the "crap" starts -- when its no longer fun, and when the girl just becomes a big hassle. I can only imagine how much fun he's had over the years experiencing sex with so many different girls.

 

so in other words he is too scared to have a real relationship where you work out your problems and develop a real bond.

 

And I doubt the feeling is mutual for the girls, unless he TELLS them he is going to leave after 3 months, he is a complete and utter toss-pot.

and if he did tell them that, then he is basically blackmailing them into swallowing their needs so as not to cause "crap"

 

He sounds like a complete winner!! not an immature manipulative little child at all!!

[mintblossom]

I haven't had sex with many men at all. Just 3 and I'm in my late twenties. The first two were relationships but very unpleasant. And this guy....very horrible. The first time I was forced so I cried alot, the second time pressured and I was completely emotionally numb, and the third time was this lying, manipulator. I think I have learned alot but I don't want any more horrible experiences. I don't think it takes me that long to learn a lesson because I try to learn as fast as I can now.

 

I don't think people understand that being used doesn't come only from the act itself. It can come from what happens before or after. For example, he is pressuring and pressuring, and coercing and physically pushing you around and you feel worn like you can't fight him and that you have to get him what he wants. Or afterwards.....the guy flips faces, immediately turns on his side away from you after the act and ignores you. I tried to turn him around to face me but he just kept his back to me and I started whimpering....I had not expected him to behave like this immediately afterwards. I think the victimization part can come afterwards........not because the sex wasn't consensual but because he wants you to hurt, he wants to HUMILIATE you and break you down and he wants you to know it.

 

I don't think he cared about the sex so much as it was a game of power, control, domination, cruelty, and humiliation like I got you. It wasn't about just having sex because we were attracted to each other....it was about having sex so he could humiliate, control, and break me down.

 

The more I think about it.....the more I think it was less about having sex out of mutual attraction. I think the humiliation, his cruelty, the way he turned on me like an enemy or a worthless being...I am starting to think that really hurt me. It was like sex was a weapon for him to use on me, to punish me for his life. It was so cruel how cold he became....unresponsive, ignoring, cold.

 

I need a long vacation from anything related to dating, sex, romance, men etc. I just want to be alone. And I think I will not let cruel people near me.

[Locke2121]

image removed

 

I love you guys...your the toughest broads I know...and I mean broads in the sweetest sense imaginable.

[DN]

It is hard to know what is in someone else's mind or the motivation behind what they do.

 

But any time you have sex with someone without there being an actual commitment there is the possibility that the relationship will end soon afterwards. It may be that someone was 'used for sex' and false promises were made.

 

But it is also possible that the person realised that the relationship was going nowhere - that the feelings were just not there. That is a risk that both people take. And no one should stay in a relationship in which they are not happy because they feel some sort of obligation as they had sex.

 

The bottom line is that you are responsible for your own behaviour and if you are a person likely to be upset because engaging in sex did not turn into a committed relationship then you should ensure you are in a committed relationship before having sex.

 

On another note: please keep posts on topic. This thread should not turn into a debate about rape and false accusations of rape.

[EvaGina]

But it is also possible that the person realised that the relationship was going nowhere - that the feelings were just not there. That is a risk that both people take. And no one should stay in a relationship in which they are not happy because they feel some sort of obligation as they had sex.

 

agreed

I have been accused of using people for sex -snort- but I really WANTED to like them more than I did... that spark just wasnt there... I was kidding myself by thinking maybe sex would bridge a gap or something.

[Night Pumpkin]

I am a virgin, but I have been taken advantage of by a girl who totally used me. She first came to me telling me she had just escaped an abusive relationship and that she had (before that) an abusive father, and that all she wanted was someone to care for her. Naturally, I felt sorry for her, and did some things for her to help her out. But it soon became clear that she was really into me, and though I didn't want to be with her, I refused to cut her off because I felt that would devastate her.

 

To make a long story short, one day she grabbed me and started kissing my neck. It was after that I realized that her whole story was phony. She did this to so many guys. She would draw them in with this story, act all innocent, and then do something to gratify herself. It's really sick actually to think about her lusting after me.

 

I think the trickery that draws men in is that she can play the part of an abused woman well, and that she never asks for money (so men don't suspect she is a gold digger). But to tell you the truth, i would prefer to have given her money than have her lust after me and kiss me neck. Thats so gross !!! Anyway, thats my story...

[mintblossom]

i would never make false accusations of rape. that would be disgusting behavior. believe me, he knows enough to protect his own butt whenever he pulls crap on other people. he's pretty skilled at covering all his grounds. i said he is good at doing everything within legal limits but that can include a lot of shady, nasty business. i still hate people like that.

 

before, when we were on dates, he would walk me to the parking lot to my car. this was good because it was at night in the dark. the minute i had sex with him, he did not want to walk me to the parking lot. it was like there was not even a shred of basic decency or respect. he just flipped faces.

 

i tried to have many sit down talks with him about whether he liked me and our status and stuff. he would usually listen, say nothing, and say, oh i have to watch this show.....this is my favorite tv show. and i would sit there....kind of baffled because i really made an effort to talk to him earnestly, honestly, openly. i should have recognized that as a big red flag....i don't know why i didn't. i gave him many openings to tell me whether he was interested or not...if he had ever said "im not interested anymore", i would have left quickly. but i always got mixed signals....should have seen this as a red flag.

 

btw, i am sick of some men coming in this thread because some of you don't "get" it and are going off on a tangent. i really do not feel compelled to draw attention away from the topic i want to talk about to address other "plausible" issues but which really have nothing to do with what im talking about. (that is a manipulative tactic). it adds insult to injury.

[quietgrl]

wow Night Pumpkin!!

[Night Pumpkin]

There is also another part of the story i didn't tell you:

 

OK, after the neck kissing incident, i stopped all contact with her, and thought I would never see her again. But when I was with her, I had mentioned the name of the church i sometimes attend. So a couple of months ago, I went to church, and guess who was there ? It was her !!

 

I didn't want to be rude, but i went up to her and basically asked her why she was there. She told me I was the only one who had ever cared about her, and that she had come to church just to be with me. I then ignored her.

 

OK, and this is the kicker...that afternoon I went to the beach, and then to the mall. Guess who i happen to see in the mall...its her. But there she is, strolling around, HAND IN HAND with another man. Just hours ago she had told me I was the ONLY ONE who ever cared about her, and that she had come to church just because she wanted to be with ME, and now i see her just hours later with another man !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

oh my god !!!!!

 

yes i was played. I just feel sorry for that other guy who she was with....

[mintblossom]

well, obviously someone like that has some major issues. i hate women who make false accusations of abuse and false claims etc. that just demeans the truthfulness and validity of women who really have been in terrifying situations and lived through it to tell. it's sad that 20 women can tell a truthful story and 1 woman can make a false claim and then people will think all 21 stories are lies. such people are dishonorable and make everyone else look bad.

 

i hope you are not implying that im not truthful because that would really be hitting low.

 

anyways, no more sex for me for a couple years. i need to work through all my emotional baggage, clean up my act, clear up everything, have no entanglements, define my boundaries,live a simple life. that's what i want now......a simple life, simple relationships. no men. no more men near me for a long grace period.