Girlfriend stopped having sex with me...

[red131]

Through this post, I am really trying to understand why this is happening instead of what I should do about it. In any case, I welcome any advice on the subject. I am 32 and she is 25

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 11 months. Before that she was in a 7 year relationship with a guy who cheated on her. In the beginning of our relationship, we would have sex often, if not everyday. As predicted, it slowed down to a normal pace of 2 to 3 times a week. About three months ago, she just lost total interest and now we don’t have sex at all. The last time we had sex was about 4 weeks ago and before that it was about the same. In my opinion, we have never had bad sex with both of us reaching orgasm every time, if not multiple times for her.

So the day comes and I ask her about it and she gets super defensive. The excuses she gives me are, "I'm having a hard time being romantic after my last boyfriend", "I just don’t want to", "I’m stressed and depressed". So I leave it at that and go about my life. I start masturbating again to offset the desire and I know that she uses a vibrator to take care of her desires.

She does not give off any signs of cheating and we are planning on moving in together, that was originally her idea. She still does not say that she loves me, but I express that I love her. I am a gentleman and know how to treat a woman. As far as I know, I do everything a man could do in a healthy relationship.

There are a few things that I suspect:

- She really is scared to commit after her last relationship and thereforeeee keeps intimacy extinguished so that she does not become attached. (This doesn’t explain why we had so much sex in the beginning though).

- She really is cheating

- I have Herpes and she is turned off by it (even though this was never an issue in the beginning).

- Or that is just the way she is.

 

What do all of you think?

[Cardinal]

Have you told her you love her. You said you express your love. Just need clarification on that. Seems plausible to me that she is legitimately having trouble committing to you. Could you elaborate on the stress factors in her life. Could also elaborate on the depression issue? Has that happened before. Does she have a genetic proclivity toward depression?

 

The approach a lot of us may take in help you with this is to try to extract as much information about her and about your relationship as possible....since your main objective is to understand why right now. May be a tough thing to answer if she remains closed up about it. Good that you don't seem to be pressuring her. Bad that she is not showing interest in satisfying your needs. I'd imagine your whole intimate life is suffering due to lack of sex at this point.

 

Like apple is suggesting....very likely she is having some problem she is just withholding the info from you. Tough to guess at it. Best chance at success may be to have patience, wait it out and do everything you can to be a good b/f....darn it there I go proposing solution.

[applepie]

Is it possible that she might have caught herpes and just doesn't want you to know? She might be having a nasty outbreak.

[Beyondthesea]

She's going through some sort of emotional issue...I agree with asking her if maybe she has contracted herpes?

 

Likely though, she is going through something and needs to go to counseling.

[heloladies21]

e) None of the above

 

This is a textbook case to a problem that has so many men perplexed. How come all of your relationships have this gradual decline on sex until the final day when you get dumped? It's not a coincidence and this is not the way relationships are suppose to go.

 

A chick's sex drive is very much tied into how she emotionally feels about you. The stronger she feels about you, the more she's gonna want you. So this is a bad sign that she has checked out of the relationship and it's only a matter of time before she pulls the plug.

 

Just from what you describe, you sound like a "nice guy", but it's to the point where you'll hide your true feelings and you probably have a hard time fully sticking up for yourself. You don't show any negative emotions like jealousy and being upset and this translates to any girl--"I'm not being honest with you." Obviously she's gonna be skeptical about someone who acts this way.

 

So that's where your problem lies. It's up to you to see it before you can change it though.

[Hope75]

I'm less likely to believe that she's actually afraid to be intimate because of her last relationship- since she was clearly intimate with you for some months before withdrawing.

 

I'm also concerned that she has completely withdrawn from sex, doesn't seem to want to deal with it, and hasn't yet told you that she loves you, and yet... she wants to move in with you? Doesn't this seem a bit contradictory? I know I would not want to move in with someone who may or may not love me, and who is as withdrawn as she has become.

[red131]

I have told her that I love her on multiple occasions and with the sincerest of heart. The thing with herpes is that outbreaks usually only last a couple of days and outbreaks can occur anywhere from 3 months apart or never. It is true that I could have given it to her (even though we are very careful and use condom's), but her having and outbreak (that is of course if I have given to her) would only prevent us from having sex for 3 or 4 days. Here is what I can tell you about our relationship

 

- She was in a 7 year relationship before me that devastated her emotionally about 3 months before we started dating.

- She is not depressed clinically and I believe when she is, it is stemmed from her last relationship.

- She is stressed because of family problems. Grandma passed away, family is fighting over grandma's assets, cousin having an abortion, cousin being cheated on and new hours at work. This all only started about a month ago. She lost interest before that.

- She is very adamant about her independence. She is not fond of the idea of marriage, doesn’t want to share assets, and has an overall idea that all relationships will end, even if the couples stay together.

- She is uncomfortable by my touches and doesn’t deal well with affection. She says that it is because she has a hard time trusting men and she doesn’t mean to be that way. Even though now, she will let me touch her, I dont feel its genuine when she accepts it.

 

I am a sexual person and of course this does affect our relationship. I have always been raised to believe that love should not reside in the sac, but it affect me in other ways and not just to quench my lust. The rejection is the hardest part. It makes you feel worthless and incapable of bringing joy to a person.

 

The thing that boggles me is that everything was fine up to three months ago. I cannot think of anything that I have done set her off and she insists that it is her and has nothing to do with me. I have been very patient with her and I do not push the subject.

 

Thanx all

 

To add to heloladies21: I did not say I was a I said that I was a gentleman. When im right I let her know and we go at it, but when im wrong I let her win. And the sex did not gradually melt away. One day it was there and the next it wasnt. Black and white. Yes and No. So the question is if she is not interested anymore, then why is she moving in with me?

[isisastaria]

e) None of the above

 

This is a textbook case to a problem that has so many men perplexed. How come all of your relationships have this gradual decline on sex until the final day when you get dumped? It's not a coincidence and this is not the way relationships are suppose to go.

 

A chick's sex drive is very much tied into how she emotionally feels about you. The stronger she feels about you, the more she's gonna want you. So this is a bad sign that she has checked out of the relationship and it's only a matter of time before she pulls the plug.

 

QUOTE]

 

I so agree with this. If she isn't emotionally connected, she's not gonna do it. Or she is hiding something that she doesn't want to tell you about. It really is that simple.

[heloladies21]

I believe you that you're not a complete doormat, but there are many stages in between being a doormat and being 100% and sticking up for yourself fully.

 

Think about this example. You said in another thread about how she just can't seemto shake the pain that her ex caused her and this is preventing her from fully committing to you. Obviously a doormat would just let it slide without saying a word, or comfort her or something like that. You've obviously addressed this with her and let her know it's a problem, but she still notices the end result--you're still with her.

 

100% sticking up for yourself would ential telling her to get over it and if she didn't, then you proceed to dump her. No threats or anything, but you're for real about this relationship and this problem will fester if not addressed to this level.

 

The relationship that brought me to this site 2 years ago broke up for this very same reason. Relationship after relationship of mine would suffere the same fate. This time I did something different when confronted with the same situation (tol her "i'm not looking to waste my time here, so you need to get over your past and all the stuff that other guys did to you because I'm not those guys"), and she got over it that same night.

 

So these are my experiences (my brother had the same exact same thing happen to him), take em for what they're worth.

[red131]

hmmm, looks like I have a talking to do then. Guess the reality of it is that you know that there are things that could be different, but you put so much time and energy into something, its hard to just let it go. I have actually dumped her multiple times because of various reasons pertaining to her ex and unwillingness to commit and things did get better because of it (but not 100% and it seems to come back to the table). Guess I just need to tell her that it now or never. Just hate to force it upon her like this...

[CarnelianButterfly]

hmmm, looks like I have a talking to do then. Guess the reality of it is that you know that there are things that could be different, but you put so much time and energy into something, its hard to just let it go. I have actually dumped her multiple times because of various reasons pertaining to her ex and unwillingness to commit and things did get better because of it (but not 100% and it seems to come back to the table). Guess I just need to tell her that it now or never. Just hate to force it upon her like this...

That's probably the case right there. She probably has no trust for you since you have a habit of loving and leaving.

 

Sex is about trust, and if there isn't trust in the relationship the sex won't be there.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

When there is an abrupt change in a sexual relationship, something is very wrong somewhere... either a health problem, or she has made some decision in her head she is not sharing with you.

 

she may have started to realize that you are a rebound relationship if she was not really over her ex, and might be turning off to you because she is not sure that the relationship will last, either because you keep dumping her, or because she is deciding to leave and just hasn't clued you into that yet because she is not sure.

 

i think you need to talk to her openly whether she is having second thoughts about the wisdom of your relationship... if she is no longer into you or the relationship, then it is better for the both of you to make the hard decision and move on.

[Hope75]

I'm just not sure how far this relationship can go if she doesn't trust men, she never wants to get married, share assets, be touched, or be intimate.

 

What exactly are you getting from this relationship that makes it worth all the things that it's lacking?

[doyathink]

Could be that it just sank in that you have an incurable disease and .....she may not want to deal with that for the rest of her life.

She may be paranoid about catching it...then she would have to live with that for the rest of her life.

[EmotionalCreature]

Normally there are underlying issues that you may not be aware of, communication is the key but communication is not everyone's cup of tea.

 

Another thing is there is a possibility she's having it with someone else, which I've seen and heard of majority of the time.

[candy604]

one word : baggage. She has a lot to deal with right now in life and I'm thinking she is stressed out and she may not be ready to commit.

[Day_Walker]

There is an issue that she is having and you may never know what it is. I would stop initiating sex with her and realize that if you are going to remedy this then it is going to be a while before you will be getting any.