Boyfriend is aggravated at everything I do?

[xmrth]

I don't know why this is, or what I can even do. There is no way to predict whether or not my boyfriend will get aggravated at something. Okay, I can tell for a lot of things, obviously. But there are so many things that leave me scratching my head.

 

Tonight for example, a great night, always starts out great... then something happens, he gets aggravated and shuts out, and I'm the bad guy-- it is always ME who has done something. Every weekend, not -always- Friday, but -always- Saturday this happens. I don't know what that thing is, though. He just gets aggravated and sometimes I fuel the fire but like I said, there's times where I am just clueless.

Over the course of 20 minutes we were playing around and joking around and deciding where we should go out for dinner. He really wanted to go to this place I hate and refuse to go back to. And eventually I said okay, fine let's go. I figured why not, I know it's not going to kill me and I just really didn't prefer it but he always likes to go where I like to go and I guess he really likes it there.

So we go and he's aggravated at me for some reason. The ride there we are joking around, laughing, having such a great time! Then we sit down, he comments on what I'm eating? I got pasta because I hate meat, not that I'm a vegetarian, but the place was more for meat people I suppose.

And let me clarify, he absolutely 100% is not controlling or jealous type (while on that subject) or any of that. I don't know why that would aggravate him, and I asked him and he just got aggravated. It's so hard to describe him like that.

 

Why would that aggravate him? And like I said, this is just an example. When he came in to my house after we got back, he said I fought with him the whole time before about going and aggravated him the whole time there. I really didn't-- things were perfectly fine both ways. I am so confused and putting this down makes no sense, but it's far from the first time this has happened. I just want to know what his problem is. He's like a ticking time bomb-- not that he blows up, but at any time he can be aggravated at something. And when I say that... no, he's not a mean person. I aggravate him, he has told me he doesn't know what it is but I aggravate him. He doesn't like to talk about it and I get no answers. I wanted to know if anyone understands this... I really don't.

 

It's the same thing every weekend it seems. Or even something understandable aggravates him, like I said something I know I shouldn't have said, like a smart comment-- the biggest problem, and for the REST of the night, it is a problem and he's aggravated. Like he can't put anything behind him and if something goes sour we can't go past it-- it consumes the rest of the night. I am worn out from it, I really am.

If we ever have a terrible fight, the next day he's over it, he's fine, and we start fresh. Does it really need to take until the next day?

 

Martha

[Kalika]

Maybe you two should spend a weekend (or time in general) apart..

 

Quality over quantity might help.

[Confused_kelly]

I agree with Kalika, maybe you should try missing each other to see how it goes. If he still gets aggravated then you should have a serious conversation about it. The are countless reasons why he could be acting this way

 

How long have you been together? and When did this start?

[xmrth]

We only see eachother on the weekends, and last weekend I only saw him Friday night for 2 hours as he got a stomach bug and so it's been since then. It feels long and like it's enough after not seeing eachother but as we only see eachother on the weekends, it is so so hard to do unless there's nothing that can be done about it. I feel like if we weren't to see eachother for a long time, not breaking up but for whatever the reason, than that might help but I feel like it would go right back into it. I feel that way because we have such wonderful nights that can go sour so easily and I can't figure it out. And that it may eventually go back like that.

 

We've been together 7 years... I can't remember so far back but I know we've always had times we clash, but average times and not at all like this. But then for the past several years it didn't happen at all in this way until recently, maybe the past year to two years. It started back up over stupid things and all the time. But now that it's over nothing that deserves so much aggravation, I wonder if he only sees it in black and white... and allows everything to ruin our time together.

[Batya33]

An issue like this "seems" like it should have specific suggestions and advice but in my experience there is so much about context that we cannot know - ranging from body language, non-verbal cues between the two of you, past experiences triggering something in him (or you) etc. Notice that I'm not placing blame because it's impossible to tell from just a post and even if I knew the two of you it would be difficult to tell "which came first."

 

Maybe the solution is as others said not to analyze "why" but to do something about the specific behavior. Often I find that asking someone "why are you so aggravated?" at that moment sets them off even more because at that moment they feel that you "should" understand somehow.

 

Maybe it's enough to say, nicely, neutrally "I see that you're aggravated with me. I wish I knew why, but I really don't. If you want to talk about it, that's fine but if not I'm going to [go out, go to another room and read, make a call to a friend in another room - but not to talk about that issue!" See, I think trying to change your behavior without knowing precisely what triggers him is a shot in the dark and may even increase his aggravation!

 

Hope that was helpful.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you have been together a long time, but over years when people change a lot. if he is getting aggravated all the time and not really giving you any reasons for it, it may be reflecting a deeper discomfort on his part. do you think there is a chance he is thinking about breaking up, but has not done it yet becuase he is either not sure, or doesn't want the upheaval or scene that would bring?

 

if someone has made the decision to leave or is comparing you to someone else in his mind, then EVERYTHING you do might annoy him because he doesn't really want to be there, but is too cowardly to discuss this with you, or just not ready for whatever reason to break up yet... but that is TOTALLY unfair to you, to start nitpicking you about every little thing when you are just being yourself.

 

the other problem could be stress in his own life... is he tired when you see him, or sick, or overworked?

 

anyway, you need to sit him down when he is NOT aggravated and have a very direct talk about the changes in dynamics in your relationship. ask him directly, are you having doubts about being together? is there some stress in your life that is making you impatient all the time, or is it something i am doing. if he is already acting aggravated, that is not the time to discuss it because he will just be huffy.

 

so try to address the underlying problem of how every time you are together now turns sour with him getting irritated, and try to uncover why that may be...

[xmrth]

the other problem could be stress in his own life... is he tired when you see him, or sick, or overworked?

 

He's all of those things when I see him, and it is genuine that he is overworked and tired. What I don't get though is when we are having this wonderful perfect night, it can go sour over anything in the world. It can be over the most stupid thing and he will get aggravated at me for the REST of the night. Any stupid little thing and then there's a wave that changes everything and there really is no turning back.

 

I have had him tell me that he doesn't know why I go out with him sometimes, but he doesn't say it to be "aww sweet," but just kind of says it seriously. He really felt bad about it a few weeks ago and told me exactly how he felt, that I annoy him so much sometimes but he doesn't know what it is, that he really loves me but I have to leave him alone. He said he just wants to spend the time with me and for me to stop bothering him... but I didn't really see that I was bothering him so much.

I thought it was maybe because sometimes I'd get upset that he doesn't want to do things because he is tired as he works the days I see him (Fridays and Saturdays, but Sundays he doesn't work and I do see him that day too) So I started to leave him alone about that... but at the same time, it doesn't answer the part where he just gets so aggravated over stupid things.

 

It's like walking on eggshells, and if I say something that aggravates him then there goes the WHOLE ENTIRE night... forever... gone, and no turning back.

I'm not afraid of him or anything like that, I mean if he's going to get aggravated then whatever-- I'll do my part and I try my hardest to fix it, and I do care. But it sucks. It just sucks. Because I really feel like I am at fault and it is so annoying... it breaks my heart.

[Batya33]

Look, my opinion - it is definitely him, not you but I am not there so I could be wrong, or partially wrong. . . .

 

In your last thread you said he was the most mature guy you knew - remind yourself of that and if that is truly the case, he will want to listen to what you have to say --- at a time when he is in a decent mood (as someone else posted).

 

I don't think you should have to walk on eggshells. If you have taken a step back and a hard look at yourself and you do not believe you are high maintenance or annoying or aggravating (within reason - we all can be some times!) - sufficient to justify the all-night cold shoulder then stay strong, be yourself and if he doesn't like it then he doesn't get the pleasure of your company, ok?

[xmrth]

Tonight I decided to try something else... and it did seem to work because he has just left and we had a really good night. If his work has a lot to do with it, today he actually got out early and was rested. So I don't know if that helped his mood or shows it is definitely the stress of his 6th work day of the week or not.

 

I know it's absolutely him, it definitely is. So what I said to him when he got here after we settled down was that "tonight I want it to be a nice night and that I know when we go out, you're going to get aggravated over something I'm not even going to understand, and you're going to come back here with me after dinner and you'll curl up into a ball and die"-- not that he does that, he just lays down and wants to sleep or shut me out or we argue because I'm trying to talk to him about it, but I said things like that just to make light of it and get it entirely out in the open. We were able to joke about it, and he wasn't aggravated with me making it more of a joke with a serious side to it... and that I was genuinely upset that I knew it was going to happen as it happens every weekend. It's not over us going out, but it always tends to happen when we're out and driving or something like that.

So that really did help, and I haven't tried doing that yet but have just said it sincerely or have said nothing on that particular night hoping it will just be okay.

 

I decided to point it out when we got back to my house that we had a nice night... I wanted to just point it out and then get off that subject again. I don't know if what I said actually helped it or if he was just more rested from getting out of work so much earlier and being able to take a nap before coming over here. He told me that he really is burnt out and that it impacts our time together because he gets aggravated but it's hard to understand that because I am not like that when I am tired... but I also do not work the hours he works or do that work.

I am wondering it maybe I should finally try doing this and pointing it out when he is here and doing that for a while trying to get us into a different routine or something... every other way it's been handled has just been digging us into a hole.

[trash mail]

From reading your previous post you come accross as quite a stubborn person. Somehow i get the impression that though you are 'joking' you might have been insulting his taste in the preferred eating place with smart remarks. Sometimes people just dont know or dont think you are insulting others with our opinions. Sometimes, we expect people to measure up to what we think is an 'ideal' way of solving a situation but in all reality, they don't have to and we aren't always right.

It isnt that puzzling when we think back to what we said and how we judged.

[Batya33]

I don't think your approach is more than a short term fix - once the novelty wears off, either he will have to be more tolerant/relaxed on his own, or it just won't work anymore. If the sulking behavior continues I would treat him like a child and give him "time out" which in this case means you tell him -- if you're going to be like that, I'd prefer you leave because you won't explain to me why you get this way and it's not fair to me to be in the dark and have to put up with your coldness/distance.

[melrich]

then EVERYTHING you do might annoy him because he doesn't really want to be there.

 

This would be my immediate thought, though as Batya says, we have little context.

 

But I can relate to this. If I am somewhere and my mind is on being elsewhere I will get aggitated or moody about things and I have no idea why.

 

Again I have a feeling there is more going on on your b/fs side than he is letting on. Reading between the lines, I feel that these weekend meetings have become more of a duty for him than something he really wants to do.

 

I have a feeling he thinks he's in a rut but does not know how to change that. Part of his irritation may be that he subconsciously has a desire that you will change things.

 

I agree with the approach Batya suggested next time he gets in one of these moods, and I would use her words almost lo the letter.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

He does sound really burned out and tired, and that will make anyone annoyed and cranky... how many hours over 40 does he do every week? maybe the problem is he needs a new job, one with less hours, or less stress etc.

 

If he is exhausted he may see having to interact with you and do things and go out as one more chore, and get annoyed because of it. maybe you could spend a few weekends in, letting him sleep or do whatever he wants, or cut your time together to a few hours on the weekend for a few weeks til he rests up. see if he is better then, but if not, either his job has to change, or there is a deeper issue brewing with him not being happy with the relationship, and not talking to you about it...

[xmrth]

IT'S BEEN 3 MONTHS AND WE HAVEN'T HAD A FIGHT SINCE!!!

 

It's been amazing. I think the biggest thing is that I feel like he actually WANTS to be here with me. It doesn't feel like there's an absense of him wanting to or not wanting to, like he actually seems like he wants to come over, even when he's exhausted from work. I bet it's because he knows he's not coming here to get aggravated.

 

I think what's awesome though is that he understands to pick his battles, and what is important and not important to get aggravated over. Because the problem was that anything was aggravating him! Like we had clashed a month ago-- some time ago, and I was like "you know what this is soo stupid, this isn't worth getting aggravated over" (I can't even remember what in the world it was but it wasn't important to fight about that's for sure) and it's like... we just laughed and enjoyed ourselves. If things are important to talk about then we would but it's been nice.

 

We really have gotten into that swing and I'm very happy, I figured it was about time for an update on what happened after that. I am so surprised that we didn't have any fall backs, this literally has been going on smoothly since I last posted. I think by talking to him the way I did made him realize we were wasting our time fighting over -nothing- when we could have so much fun together and we have been!

[Jayar]

Congrats! Best of luck!

[TheFoglifter]

I agree with what trash mail said, and add my own personal experience. "Jokes" can be half-serious too, and indeed could be insulting without you realizing it.

 

I wanted to ask how satisfied you both are with your sex lives. When my gf and I have nights the way you described (me festering and angry), a lack of sex is probably the cause of 75% of them.

[xmrth]

No, we have sex each time we see eachother. I don't know what it was, we were not in a good swing of things and I think he eventually started coming over ready to be aggravated. I think something clicked for him when I talked to him about it, and I just kept everything lighthearted almost like helping him to put down his defenses so to speak. It's been smooth sailing these past 3 months though and I have actually mentioned it to him to. I think that has helped too because all the arguing and aggravation seems so silly now looking back on it.