Is There a Difference Between a Hook-Up and an Affair?

[ImThatGirl]

I want to share a story of a friend with you.

 

She was married.. She had a years long affair. When that guy got a girlfriend, she was crushed. What did she do? Found someone else. The new guy treated her with compliments and talks of love. Next time she seen him (after a few weeks of internet communication,) they slept together. Couple days later, he tells her that it's just not going to work out for him. Year or so later, she finds out he was also married. SHE WAS CRUSHED AFTER SLEEPING WITH HIM AND REALIZING SHE MEANT NOTHING TO HER. She had to go to the doctor for medicine and thought about going to the stress center.

 

Not just because of him hurting her but because she was filling voids and filling voids.... Her ego took blows that she couldn't handle. She was on the bottom of the world.

 

Please take care of yourself and don't act impulsively.

[studio781]

That's what it is, an ego thing. You hit the nail on the head. I kept getting slammed by him by his actions in not being available to me but I kept coming back for me thinking he was just afraid of the situation. If he really wanted to be with me we would be together and spending time together. I needed to wake up to that fact but I was in a downward spiral of heartbreak because I couldn't see him but I would have just ended up being crushed more if we did sleep together and then he wouldn't give me the time of day after that.

[studio781]

Jetta, I also thought the same thing about getting involved with someone you would have an affair with. They would probably never want to be with you if you got divorced because you cheated with them. It would probably never work. They would never trust you. So if this other guy really wanted me and I left my husband for him, I would end up being alone because I wouldn't be trusted again.

[ImThatGirl]

Absolutely -

 

I think we were posting at the same time.

 

please, I beg you as I did my friend - close this door! Do not fall into a trap of allowing yourself to believe that he truly wants you and cares about you.

 

Yeah, of course the sexual part of it may be appealing to you. But I get the feeling it is because you "need" to feel wanted. You also need to feel loved. Please, please, please don't do it and let's work on understanding yourself! I'm worried that you may end up in a fast downward spiral and hit rock bottom!

[Beec]

studio781,

 

I want to recommend to you one thing, reading a book or just part of it. C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity, whether you are a Christian or not, it has a very good sectiojn on how we are supposed to love in marriage. vbmenu_register("postmenu_1479195", true);

[studio781]

I should probably change my phone number because if he by any chance ever texts/calls me again, I will be so tempted again thinking that he really cares. It's been 8 months of me asking him out, him turning me down, but then him contacting me on his terms. I guess my flags went up and I started getting all emotional about it and that's why he ran away. I know it's foolish because I'm married but I really needed to feel some caring from him, not just sexual.

[ImThatGirl]

I think changing your number would be a good idea.

 

Or - you could look at it this way. He cared nothing about you and merily wanted to hook up. Didn't / doesn't care about your situation or your well being. Use those thoughts and if he contacts you again, tell him you want him to leave you alone!

 

Please feel free to pm me anytime!! I feel like you are very vulnerable! Be careful who you allow into your life, heart, and mind. Find out what you are missing and why. Think about doing something exciting with your husband. Have the two of you been on any vacations lately? How do you feel about your husband?

[studio781]

Beec, what is so strange to me is that I truly care for my husband. If would always want to be there to take care of him if he was sick, I truly love him, but I think this other person who came into my life made me feel special at first, flirting with me. I liked the attention but the longer I worked with him, the harder I fell and the attraction was so strong it made me question my marriage. I truly thought this was a great guy who I also wanted to spend time with. I wanted both.

[studio781]

I'm that girl, I acted to pathetically out of character with this guy. I wrote him letters of my feelings. When he did not return my last call, I called him but then started getting all needy and kept texting him every day for about a week. I was out of control because we were supposed to be "friends" but he acted like I was dead. I just wanted to talk about what was going on with us, I couldn't understand him. I guess my answer was "get lost" but he could have talked to me and told me how he felt about everything. He truly hurt me. I can't understand why I went to such extremes trying to get him to speak with me, I should have just took the hint and moved on but I couldn't let it go for a while.

[ImThatGirl]

You couldn't handle the rejection.

 

Keep in mind - that emotion/excitement experienced originally with him is addictive. You don't typically receive that anymore with your husband.

 

But it is sooooooooooo -- -- -- - -- not worth it!

 

What would you do if you did have an affair and broke your husbands heart and ended up alone?

[Beec]

studio781,

 

I could not be more critical of how you handled things with this guy. The temptation came, and it was something that you should have never mentioned to anyone and just resisted. You should hopefully feel lucky that you did not sleep with him, if not now soon I hope.

 

But you and your husband should also see this as a big fork in the road, and I mean both of you. Quite simply, you considered an affair because your husband probably allowed for it to happen in how he made you feel. Normally women have affairs when something is missing from the relationship for them. However, that's no excuse.

 

Read what I recommended, have your husband read it. Work on your marriage. It's worth it. An affair is not.

[studio781]

Beec,

 

Thank you for the recommendation. I will read it. This has been such a roller-coaster of my emotions, I was high and then down real low, and my husband suffered for it. I'm glad I never slept with this guy, he would have got his and I would have been an emotional basketcase and feeling even more confused. It probably would have led eventually to my marriage totally dissolving and ruining my life and my husband's. My husband does not deserve it.

[Beec]

I have a copy and will look at it to tell you the pages that I am referred to over the weekend.

 

If you are Christian, think you are, might be or open to being, I would tell you to read it all. I would tell anyoen to read it. But that's not a recommendation based on wanting to help you in your marriage, which is what I'd hope would happen.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it sounds like you are trying to distinguish between an hookup and an affair becuase somehow an affair seems less sleazy or more noble in your own head than just having sex for a hookup with another married man.

 

But really, if you take marriage out of the equation here (i.e., what if neither of you were married), then it really still looks like this man has never been interested in dating you, but he is willing to pick up some free sex from you if you give it to him with no strings attached...

 

that's what they call a hookup, or a booty call if he is so uninterested in you that he calls late and only when there is time for sex and not much more.

 

so even if you were single, this man would not be appropriate, and would most likely not be dating you, but willing to take a booty call if you offered it to him and agreed to it.... he knows you have it bad for him, in fact a big schoolgirl type crush on him (regardless of your/his ages), and he made a run at getting some free meaningless sex for himself, at your expense, and when you didn't go for it, he balked and went elsewhere.

 

so you have been focusing on the rightness/wrongess of it, or the depth/shallowness of it, but the reality is that this guy was never really interested in an emotional relationship or any relationship beyond some quick free sex. don't be distracted by anything else, because those just prevent you from really looking at his behavior, and seeing that he is just not particularly interested, but enough of a user to try for some quick no string sex if you'd take it.

 

there are lots of people like that out there, who if someone throws themselves at them, will take the free sex, but wander off if you ask for anything more from them because they are not really interested, or are just cads who will use anyone they think they can to get some free sex...

 

so count yourself VERY lucky that you didn't get involved with him, or end your marriage for him, because regardless of your feelings for him, he was willing to use you as long as it didn't really cost him anything, any time, any money, any heart, etc.

 

please continue your own counseling to discover why you would be so willing to throw your married life of 17 years away on a man who obviously was not particularly interested... you deserve better than that for yourself, and to not make yourself so vulnerable again for the sake of a fantasy.

[Bethany]

When you start looking for love in all the wrong places there is obviously something going on inside you or something missing in your life and marriage that made you vulnerable to this happening, even though you were probably unaware of it in the beginning and had very little control over it.

 

But now you are aware of it, you can do something about it and you can control where you go from here.

 

I think a good end to this and a good start at rebuilding your life and marriage without him is to tell your husband that you started to look for attention from another man and go from there.

[studio781]

Rabican,

 

I know how awful it is to cheat, never thought I would be one to be in that situation. I guess I was lucky the guy ran away. I was foolishly thinking at one point on wanting to try an open marriage with my husband, I've heard other people doing it, but I only wanted it open so I could be with this other person. Maybe I shouldn't be married anymore but the problem is is that I know I love my husband, I don't know what I was seeing in this other guy. I am going to marriage counseling to try and figure myself out, what I need.

[Batya33]

Please do not take the advice above to tell your husband you almost cheated on him - that would be a continuation of your focus only on yourself - to unburden your guilt. Rather, tell him that you feel something is missing from the marriage and you really want to work on that.

 

And from what I have heard, open marriage is for people who do not believe in marriage including only two people - it's not supposed to be for people who just want permission to cheat - that is a different mindset and if your husband knows you at all he will be able to tell that it is not about trying to improve your marriage by bringing more people into it, but by you wanting permission to find what is missing with another man.

[CallingAllAngels]

As someone who was cheated on by their husband, I advise you to seriously think about the consequences of your behavior.

 

I am devastated over my husband's affair...we are no longer together.

 

Is that what you want?

 

Do you husband a favor...if you don't want to be married to him anymore, tell him. If you have ANY feelings for him whatsoever. Because to be betrayed by someone you love hurts more than anything I have ever experienced.

[radioheader]

you said the chemistry was so powerful but really he isn't reciprocating that kind of chemistry with you if he is just calling at the last min to hang out...he doesn't even ask you how you are?...that is crappy.

 

my husaband of 14 years has cheated on me...so i'm coming from the other side...get out of the marriage first...that is what most of the people who are cheated on would want...yes, it will hurt but not as much as you breaking your vows and being unfaithful to him....think about it...affairs are so selfish...get out of the marriage first...good luck with it all.

[Batya33]

As someone who was cheated on by their husband, I advise you to seriously think about the consequences of your behavior.

 

I am devastated over my husband's affair...we are no longer together.

 

Is that what you want?

 

Do you husband a favor...if you don't want to be married to him anymore, tell him. If you have ANY feelings for him whatsoever. Because to be betrayed by someone you love hurts more than anything I have ever experienced.

 

I don't think she needs to tell him she was tempted - that is unnecesarily hurtful and all about unburdening her guilt. I do think she needs to tell him that something is missing in the marriage and she wants to put 110% effort into working on it. I would say differently if she had had sex with this man and placed her husband at risk of an STD.

[radioheader]

for some reason my browser doesn't show all the posts until i post...i thought there was only one page so my advice above is really a bit late in the thread...

 

after reading it, it sounds like you are back on track and going to leave this other guy alone....glad you are in counseling and trying to figure your feelings out...but if you feel the need to be with another, do get out of your marriage first...

[CallingAllAngels]

you said the chemistry was so powerful but really he isn't reciprocating that kind of chemistry with you if he is just calling at the last min to hang out...he doesn't even ask you how you are?...that is crappy.

 

my husaband of 14 years has cheated on me...so i'm coming from the other side...get out of the marriage first...that is what most of the people who are cheated on would want...yes, it will hurt but not as much as you breaking your vows and being unfaithful to him....think about it...affairs are so selfish...get out of the marriage first...good luck with it all.

 

 

 

I feel your pain...I was married for 12 years and cheated on....the fall out is affects more people than you could EVER imagine.....

[radioheader]

i only wish people who visit this site could learn from this and not repeat this mistake...it is not fair...get out of the marriage b/f you have an affair...there is so much pain..you are so right!

[Blizzard]

I was emotionally attaching to another man, I think he had feelings as well, we hugged twice, talked alot, locked eyes..

 

He realized it was not for him and backed off. He is hostile and won't even talk to me now.

 

This guy did me a favour though, he made me realize that something was missing in my marriage. It was the lack of attention. I approached hubby and said we need to spend more time together...We're working on giving each other's needs.

 

Hell it hurt so much, still does now and again, not being near OM - I pictured him as my partner and everything was perfect! But since hubby and I are working on each other's needs, I picture him as a doormat! I truly don't feel half as I use to.

 

I also know one thing in my mind - Thank the good lord me and OM did not do anything more, because that would've been more confusing and detrimental to my relationship with hubby, the man I love and want to be with. It was a sign to say act on the marriage before it completely goes belly up!

 

Blizzard x

[Beec]

I have a copy and will look at it to tell you the pages that I am referred to over the weekend.

 

If you are Christian, think you are, might be or open to being, I would tell you to read it all. I would tell anyoen to read it. But that's not a recommendation based on wanting to help you in your marriage, which is what I'd hope would happen.

 

 

The version I looked at it was around pages 108-112. I forgot to remember the chapter, but it talks about how we are supposed to love. When you feel like killing them, you still need to do what's right for them, what's in their best interests.