Is There a Difference Between a Hook-Up and an Affair?

[studio781]

Blizzard,

 

You feel just as I feel. I was so attached to this OM, attracted physically and emotionally, I just wanted to be with him but I wanted him to want me and not just for a one night hook-up but a longer term friendship/affair. After he cut me off and started ignoring me (I think he cut me off because he realized how emotional I was over him) I started seeing a marriage counseling and trying to work on my marriage. It's strange because I do love my husband but I can't understand myself for going after this OM, looking for love outside. In a way I'm glad I was cut off because knowing that he didn't really feel anything for me opened my eyes but I still wish things were different between me and this OM and that he really had some feelings for me, I know I would be sleeping with this other man if this were the case. I am 42 years old and I think maybe it was a midlife crisis I'm going through right now.

[Batya33]

Hmmm - possible that he cut you off because you are married and by definition are not allowed to be in a romantic relationship with another man? Your post sounds mighty passive- as if you were the victim of your own feelings and choices or the victim of this man's power over you. Sounds a wee bit convenient to me - you rationalize that you are the victim so that if you react by cheating on your husband it's not your fault? Maybe the first step is to be accountable for your own decisions - including your decisions to marry this man and your promise to be faithful.

 

If you conclude you want to be with this man the solution is simple. Divorce your husband, wait a year until after the divorce is final so that you can be single for a year and be clear headed - and then date people. You don't get to have it both ways because you chose the privilege of being married over the freedom to date people outside your marriage.

[forbluelove]

I wanted to add my reply, Studio, because I am in a similar situation. I have been married for 10 years and have recently starting becoming 'closer' (kissing, being affectionate etc) to a friend I've known for four years. The only difference with me is that I did not chase the OM - he did the chasing. That doesn't make what I've done any less harmful, just makes the situation different.

 

I joined the forum the other day and received a bunch of good advice and hence today told the OM that the relationship is off. I know I made the right decision but it doesn't make it any less painful. I am sorry for the pain I caused both the OM and my husband (though he doesn't know)- and even myself. I do not like myself much at this point and still feel sick over the whole thing but there is no place to go but forward.

 

The thing I really wanted to respond to is your craving for this man. I crave mine as well and I do all the things you spoke of - picturing life with him, etcc.. and I think you - and I - are not craving an actual person, but a fantasy. Affairs are fantasy, not real life. If you were waking up to your OM every day and having the problems with him that you have with your husband, you would quickly find your cravings go out the window. And please don't take this as preaching or lecturing. I am not judging you. I only say things things because I realized them for myself. My advice to you is to take care of yourself and realize when you are deluding yourself. I am glad I finally woke up.

 

I hope things look up for you soon. Please know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[CallingAllAngels]

Amen. My husband acted like the "victim" of this OW he was having an affair with..."if felt so good to have another woman want me sexually, blah blah blah."

 

I'm SURE it would have felt GREAT for me to be with another man sexually too. BUT, I never was. I took my marital vows seriously.

 

I am not with my husband any more, and, he truly regrets it. He is very sorry. I am working on forgiveness, and have made much progress. HOWEVER, I know one thing...I will NEVER be able to trust him again.

 

Trust is the most important part of a relationship...takes the longest to build and only SECONDS to destroy it. My life was ripped out from underneath me because, for 3 years, my husband "enjoyed" having another woman "beg him for sex" (yes, I do quote him)

 

Sorry if I sound bitter...I'm trying not to. I just get sick of so many people wanting their cake and being able to eat it to.

 

You want another man or another woman? Then tell your spounse and move on.

 

The hurt you cause by your selfish behavior is far reaching.

[Girlygirl2007]

Hi there, new here

Was looking for information on the net regarding just this topic. I recently had a very similar situation occur in my life, and am facing just as much angst as you are regarding my close call with infidelity. I am seeking counseling, simply because I now realize that the "near affair" I had was really a wake up call to tell me that there are some things going wrong in my marriage. I am now being counselled, and hope to get my husband to join me at a certain point. As far as the hurt generated by the "breakup" of your extramarital relationship, I am starting to realize, only 5 days post "breakup", that I was addicted to the excitement of having someone admire me again. After 2 children and a stressful 7 years of marriage, I was really happy to have someone admire me again. It made me feel years younger (I am 37, and am feeling that this must be a mid-life crisis as well) and, well, honestly, it made me feel SEXY again. I am learning how to channel that "sexy" feeling back into my marriage, and I am hoping to rekindle some of the spark that has been lost between my husband and I.

 

As I told my extra-marital "friend", the notion of being 40-something, single and with two small children sent me reeling with fear. I am not ready to be a divorcee, so I simply had to break off my affair before it got off the ground. So, out of something that could have been very devastating, I am taking some good kernels to help my relationship at home.

 

I hope that helps you. And remember.... you can be addicted to people and emotion, so find a method that helps you kick the addiction. If your self esteem is low, you will continue to go back to this guy, who is continually rejecting you. (and about this, I speak with experience!) So, make an effort to go do something new with your husband to get your mind off this other guy.

Hope that helps! I hope you feel better soon.

Girlgirl2007