"Never had a girlfriend" men(why)

[bulletproof]

Again, I have given up on trying to have a normal life you know married 2.5 kids. Yes, that is a choice, but it is one that I have made. I am tired of being rejected said reasons. What irritates me (and I saw quite a great deal of this) are the women who end up with and stay with abusive people. Maybe I should change and be more aggressive maybe go around get drunk, and then take out on my old woman.

 

I think I would rather just fade out of society. I am tired of your pseudo psychoanalysis.

 

You do realize you're on an advice forum, right? There will be plenty of analysis. Whether it's pseudo or not remains to be seen.

 

Where do you live that all you see is women who end up with abusive men? Have you ever left there? Do you realize that there is a whole big world out there where people have healthy relationships, and they don't consider themselves washed up by 25?

[Spacecapsule]

You do realize you're on an advice forum, right? There will be plenty of analysis. Whether it's pseudo or not remains to be seen.

 

Where do you live that all you see is women who end up with abusive men? Have you ever left there? Do you realize that there is a whole big world out there where people have healthy relationships, and they don't consider themselves washed up by 25?

 

You tell me in this big wide world where people have healthy relationships and I will be glad to move there. Actually no I am fine where I am at I have a great job, I live fertile soil that makes a great garden, and I have beautiful view of the mountains in the West. I would gladly trade a woman for those three things. Yes, I may die a virgin, but I will die happier than most married people.

[bulletproof]

You tell me in this big wide world where people have healthy relationships and I will be glad to move there.

 

Pretty much everywhere. I lived in nyc for a long time and nobody I knew even entertained the idea of marriage before 30. Same goes for the short time I spent living in San Francisco. And I sure didn't know anyone in an abusive relationship. Maybe it's the place you live and the people you're surrounding yourself with that make you think the world is a really awful place. Have you considered traveling from time to time? Have you ever left the US? It probably wouldn't hurt for you to see how other people live and would likely help with your social issues.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I often thought of 30 as being THE year. Sink or sail, something's going down. But the truth of the matter is, I am vehemently opposed to the idea of... you know. So, if that time comes (I hope it doesn't), then I cannot say what will happen. I've still got a few good years ahead of me, so maybe I'm okay.

Yeah, setting deadlines isn't good.

Instead, set goals. Bec. if you don't meet the deadline, you're dead in the water and set yourself up for disappointment and more tears (I know what I speak of).

 

Though I dated through my 20s, I flopped at dating and found it very hard. In my late 20s, I got more serious and decided I wanted a life partner. Got dumped and got my feelings hurt after a near-engagement (that's gonna happen with dating), but learned along the way and continued to date.

 

LukeSkyWalker, As I got closer to 30, I felt God had forgotten me. After all, I did all the right things: wasn't a jerk or bad boy, treated women well, didn't press them for sex, etc.

 

Funny.Just 3 mos. after I turned 30, I met my future wife. 3 mos. after that, we ML and later married.

I consider 1992-1996 (when I married at 34) my happiest years.

Prayers were answered. And that happened 4 years - which really isn't that many years - after a devastating breakup (my first love, the near-engagement).

So don't give up. Your 30s could be very productive for you.

[LightbulbSun]

Alot of people who are popular with the opposite sex have inner confidence, so bc they think they are the 'shh' , soon, others will think the same way. It's just belief in yourself really.

 

I saw a pic of you, you're not even ugly lol. You just have a really negative attitude toward things.

 

Thanks Starrgrl.

 

I suppose I just lack a belief in myself. It's hard to break out of 15 years of negative thinking, when it comes to girls. I've been interested in women since age 13, so it's hard to break out of the pattern of seeing myself as undesirable.

[MattW]

Looking at the original (almost four year old) topic post, I don't really think I'm "picky", per se, I just... I don't really know what I want in a girl. At this point, I think it's more of a "I'll know it when I see it" kind of thing, and I just... never "see" it. I'm really just looking for someone I hit it off with the right way, but I never seem to be able to find that.

[MD Geist]

I have the lack of opertunity problem. Not many options to deal with you either take what you can get or nothing at all.

 

There's more girls who I don't want their situation in my life around me than girls I want to actually date. Women I want to date are like 1 out of nearly 10 people i meet and then its a 1 in 20 chance she's compatable. I wouldn't mind dating these women but when they have kids, caught up on the ex boyfriend or have extreme debt Those are 3 things that I'm not willing to handle as a man who's trying to get his own life together and live a fullfilling successful life. I'm not going to compirmise being a step dad, dealing with a potential cheater or paying debt from a girl who put herself in that position. That doesn't sound like Relationship material to me but a Second Job with a bill..... What are the benefits of dating a single a mother? Non at all unless you want to have kids in your life and honestly if I haven't had a girlfriend yet I think its wrong to jump straight into fatherhood. I'm confident Debt will not be an issue since I do help people get their finances together however It can slowdown Marriage. I heard something that when you get married you inhert that persons debt.

 

So in other words I basically have no girls to really choose from because most girls in my city have these issues. That or they have a boyfriend or husband making them undatable. If you want to say I'm to picky I think your full of crap. I'm sure 98% of men will not deal with these women as I wouldn't. I'm not desperate but if it boils down to me being alone or taking a chance with one of these women id rather stay alone. I think its BS I have to "Step up" and clean up the mess they created for themselves. I have no mess in my life why should I have to put up with their kids, ex or debt?

 

I'm trying to expand outside of my current city to another one for more possiblitles. Its even more difficult than I expected.

[Shakeybones]

Honestly the whole reason, ive never had a gf, was because of me.....(DRUM ROLL)...never making a move...no joke, always put me in the friend zone.

[pcmodemtcg]

I have impossibly high standards for women.

 

They have to like me.

[fitforlife]

I would like to post my thoughts in this thread and then some. I am 24 years old, never had sex, never kissed a girl, and have never had a girlfriend. It has been an uphill battle for me, and as each month/year passes by, it gets harder and harder for me to stay focused. But after a bad date experience I had this past Saturday, I have had enough.

 

I don't want to come off as an "a.sshole" type guy, but I am a good looking guy, probably even a little above good, and I am confident in myself. I have no issues approaching or talking to girls. My issues come from chances of opportunity, or more specifically "dropped", "missed" and/or "failed" opportunity. I am pretty sure I could have lost my virginity a long time ago. Hell, I could have lost it this past Saturday had I not become "Mr. Alcoholic" for the night and * * * * ed the whole thing up. But that's beyond the point. The reason I am a virgin is because I have what it takes to get to the top of the mountain, but I have never taken that step to get "over the top". Instead, I get to the top, and I slip backwards instead of forwards.

 

I have always promised myself that I would wait to meet someone I had mutual feelings for before having sex. Well, after this past Saturday, I have finally had enough. I am going to abandon that promise, and my new promise is the next time I go out to the bars, club, bowling alley, etc. I am basically going to put myself out there and if a s.lut wants to go home, then so be it, no matter how I feel about her. I have already thrown my profile on POF, since it seems to be a haven for potential one night stands. I'm sorry, it just kills me to wake up and look in the mirror and see what good qualities I have physically and on a mental level (even though what I just said sounds very 'sl.uttish' in it's own), and to face the fact I have never had sex or a relationship, let alone never kissed a girl.

 

My life will be so much better once I experience sex. I'll feel relieved I've done it, I'll feel even more confident with myself, and most importantly I will not longer be waving that flag around (the virgin flag). I don't really care about having a girlfriend, I just want to get laid. I know that it sounds desperate, but I'm not desperate...I just want it BAD!

[bostonbruins44]

Your post is a little puzzling since most good looking guys who don't do well with women usually suffer from social anxiety and don't go after them ,yet you mentioned you don't have a problem approaching or talking to girls.I don't think throwing yourself at the next available woman you see is the answer .

[Staple]

@OP: I'm willing to bet anything that just because your male friend refuses to date the overweight chain smoker, you call him picky. Being unlucky in dating doesn't mean you have to settle.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Know you're frustrated, fitforlife, but this isn't the way to relive yourself or bring some needed happiness.

 

If you do what you say, you're gonna heap up more regrets upon yourself. You may be an exception, but I don't think you're gonna feel better about yourself.

The first times usually aren't that great, so don't expect "skyrockets in flight..."

 

Keep searching for the right girl, maybe the girl you end up getting engaged to. She will come along, trust me.

 

I didn't find mine until I was 30!!! and endured the minefield of dating disappointment in my 20s. Funny, I met her 3 mos. after turning 30 and we ML 3 mos. after that.

[Spacecapsule]

Your post is a little puzzling since most good looking guys who don't do well with women usually suffer from social anxiety and don't go after them ,yet you mentioned you don't have a problem approaching or talking to girls.I don't think throwing yourself at the next available woman you see is the answer .

 

Absolutely right. For about three years I did nothing but go to work and come home. Yet somehow I expected the perfect woman just to come to my door. The truth is anxiety about breaking out of my comfort zone was holding me back. It was not because I was hideous or boring, I had just let anxiety convince me of this.

[fitforlife]

Absolutely right. For about three years I did nothing but go to work and come home. Yet somehow I expected the perfect woman just to come to my door. The truth is anxiety about breaking out of my comfort zone was holding me back. It was not because I was hideous or boring, I had just let anxiety convince me of this.

 

I would be curious how to solve this then? I work Monday through Friday. Up at 5:30am, go to work, get off at 5pm. Afterwards, I go to the gym and workout for about an hour, to an hour and a half. The gym I use is at my work, so by time I get home it's 7:00pm. Then I make dinner, get situated, and it's pretty much 8:00pm. By then I am getting ready for bed within an hour or two.

 

On the weekends it's a little different. Most of the time I have things planned on Saturdays, such as going out with friends, etc. Sometimes though I have nothing planned, so I pretty much spend the day alone. Sunday's I pretty much spend the entire day home. Sometimes I go out shopping for groceries but outside of that, nothing. So if there are things I can start to "include" in my routine, let me know. I know there's girls EVERYWHERE, but I have personally not been one to pick them up at grocery or shopping stores.

[ClarenceRutherford]

This sounds like me during the 80s when I was in my 20s... sans the gym.

 

Except my weekends were Mondays and Tuesdays, which sucked bec. most people work those days.

 

I'd look at getting involved in groups like singles groups. Or going to religious services on Sundays. You may not be into that kind of thing, but you'll likely find women there.

 

Get into hobbies or causes where you might meet other people.

 

If you can't find groups like that in your city, consider relocating.

 

At the time, I lived in a medium-sized Midwestern city of 100,000 which had limited opportunities in what I described.

A major breakup from a 6 month relationship that devastated me had me return to grad school out of state and started a new career. I moved to a larger metro area where I had the opportunity to meet many more women.

So getting out of the town you're in, if you can with today's lousy economy, might be advised.

 

The key is to get out of your rut and start meeting people.

[fitforlife]

I live in a big city, so that is not the issue. I think you are right, I am stuck in that typical "20's" type life frame - waking up, going to work, working out at the gym, sleep. Maybe a trip to the gas station, grocery store, or mall. Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

I am going to actually begin being serious though about meeting girls, for dating and/or a relationship. I am also serious about throwing my profile up on POF and Okcupid (as I did) in order to see if I can get anything out of it. I am also going to join a meetup group, and utilize facebook as well. I actually have a date this weekend, so I will see how it goes. I won't be drinking though, I do not want to ruin anything.

[Staple]

I just hate it how so many people here are presumptuous. As if just because some guy hasn't dated before (I have, I'm just saying in terms of people in this thread), that means his standards are "too high" and that he should settle for less. Sure. That is doing the girl he settles for a huge favor.

[Spacecapsule]

Fitforlife I could argue these routines are nothing more than a mild form of obsessive compulsive disorder or illusion developed by our psyche to keep us trapped in our comfort zone. For instance, it took me 3 month just to go to a singles event. It was not because I was nervous about meeting new people and making small talk, but because I would not be home at 6 and eat by 7 the watch TV at 8. You honestly have to violently break the pattern, if you do not you just backslide back into the same old routine. I am slowly doing better.

 

My only regret is 3 of the best years of my life slipped by. When I could have been out having a great time at an awesome girl, I was at home watching a movie I had seen 20 times before, or looking at less than classy photography on the Internet. When I think about this it is enough to make feel sick.

[Spacecapsule]

I just hate it how so many people here are presumptuous. As if just because some guy hasn't dated before (I have, I'm just saying in terms of people in this thread), that means his standards are "too high" and that he should settle for less. Sure. That is doing the girl he settles for a huge favor.

 

I irk when people suggest that an individual who lacks dating experience should start with a woman who is a three or a four, just to get experience then move on to increasingly attractive women. That to me seems awfully cruel to the poor girl whom becomes your batting practice.

 

That said, I am a realist and realize many (most) of the smart, funny, attractive girls are already snatched up.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I irk when people suggest that an individual who lacks dating experience should start with a woman who is a three or a four, just to get experience then move on to increasingly attractive women. That to me seems awfully cruel to the poor girl whom becomes your batting practice.

 

That said, I am a realist and realize many (most) of the smart, funny, attractive girls are already snatched up.

Spacecapsule,

Don't look down on those girls.

They're not plain and I'd imagine there are more of them than the "hot" girls.

 

I recommend dating these kind of women as they may be lonely too and could use some companionship. They may be more receptive to going out with you.

I'd think that would be important to you. You don't want a high rejection rate...

 

You can go as far with the relationship as you like. (You don't have to marry them).

I would wager that most dates you go on won't turn into long-term relationships, but some could, of course.

 

You may realize you don't have a lot in common and she's not the one. That's okay.

The conversation you engage in with these women will help sharpen your conversation and dating skills. You date more and more and soon you'll become better at it.

 

I wouldn't go into such as date with an attitude that you're just there to "use" them or they're just for "practice," though.

 

This could be like job networking. You go and meet Bill at Co. A in a networking/informational meeting. No openings there but Bill tells you he hears Co. B may be expanding and needing people and gives you a contact there.

 

Maybe you become friends - not romantic with - a woman you once went out with. She has a friend.... You may reciprocate later. You never know how your interactions can change things...

 

Years later, I realize I could have asked out a couple of "average" girls. One I sat next to in a college class. She and I would talk, and she was always bringing up conversation.

Don't know why I was so blind. I was kind of introverted back then. I didn't pick up on the signals she was sending. It's clearly my loss.

 

Besides, if you're hungry, most kinds of food will fill your tummy.

 

So don't overlook the so-called less attractive girls.

[Spacecapsule]

Spacecapsule,

Don't look down on those girls.

They're not plain and I'd imagine there are more of them than the "hot" girls.

 

I recommend dating these kind of women as they may be lonely too and could use some companionship. They may be more receptive to going out with you.

I'd think that would be important to you. You don't want a high rejection rate...

 

You can go as far with the relationship as you like. (You don't have to marry them).

I would wager that most dates you go on won't turn into long-term relationships, but some could, of course.

 

You may realize you don't have a lot in common and she's not the one. That's okay.

The conversation you engage in with these women will help sharpen your conversation and dating skills. You date more and more and soon you'll become better at it.

 

Floridaman,

 

I am not looking down on these girls at all. As a matter of fact, I would hate to hurt them just because I found less threatening than the girl that aroused me. I am sure you can appreciate the idea that here I am a 25 year old male who should at least have kind of idea what he thinks would make a good partner. Truth is I have no clue. I am stuck in the pubescent mindset to look at butt and chest. One idea scares me more than anything else ... the women in my age range have been dating since lets say 16. That gives them nearly 10 years of dating experience and understanding the opposite sex. The only thing I know about relationships and romance is what I have seen in movies. That is almost like getting a license because you beat Mario Kart.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Floridaman,

I am not looking down on these girls at all. As a matter of fact, I would hate to hurt them just because I found less threatening than the girl that aroused me.

Okay, so you're not looking down on them. I'm only saying don't overlook them.

 

Don't assume you're gonna hurt them. Don't want to discourage you, but more often than not, you may get dumped.

One idea scares me more than anything else ... the women in my age range have been dating since lets say 16. That gives them nearly 10 years of dating experience and understanding the opposite sex.

I wouldn't assume that about most women. So some have more dating experience than you. So what?

Many may be like you, or have limited experience.

Not everyone gets the breaks and does so well on dates, as you know.

I am sure you can appreciate the idea that here I am a 25 year old male who should at least have kind of idea what he thinks would make a good partner. Truth is I have no clue.

Yes, I understand completely where you are.

At 25, I was mostly dateless and getting frustrated. That all started to change as I ramped up my dating and deliberately went to places where I could meet women and started asking out more of them.

 

By dating, you form ideas of what you want.

I am stuck in the pubescent mindset to look at butt and chest.

Good you realize the harm in that kind of thinking.

 

Right now, you may be getting ideas but it's like someone thinking he can go fishing. He runs up and down the bank spotting fish in the water. But he can't try to catch any of them bec. he hasn't bought a fishing pole or license!

 

Not saying you should date women that don't appeal to you, but please do yourself a favor and don't unnecessarily screen out potential dates based solely on looks.

 

On your dates, don't judge things solely by how things go on the first date.

A woman I went out with at 30, she didn't seem that inerested in me. I tried to get her into the conversation, but she didn't say much. We were on a double date.

 

A couple of weeks later, something kept telling me I needed to call her. I did and we dated 4 years before getting married. If I had gone only on first impressions, I wouldn't be with her now.

[Staple]

I irk when people suggest that an individual who lacks dating experience should start with a woman who is a three or a four, just to get experience then move on to increasingly attractive women. That to me seems awfully cruel to the poor girl whom becomes your batting practice.

 

That said, I am a realist and realize many (most) of the smart, funny, attractive girls are already snatched up.

 

I personally think its worth being patient. Relationships are really, really rewarding, when they work. Random sex and quick flings are not. I'm not saying they aren't great. Just saying having a girlfriend is the best thing ever. And if you settle for something less than what you want then you will NOT be happy and you will make that girl unhappy.

[fitforlife]

One thing that I think is important is you have to be serious about meeting woman. For a long time I listened to a lot of other people and that really ruined a lot for me. People would always say "Wait for her to come" or "Don't go searching for a girlfriend" or worse, "It'll happen". I don't believe either of those. If you want a girlfriend, make it a priority in life. Do not wait for it to happen. That is like trying to get a job without applying for one.

 

I believe that in order to find a girlfriend you have to put the effort forth, just like anything else in life. With that being said, I have been making honest attempts this year to meet woman and I am at least landing dates. Being confident is a huge one, but make an effort to join a dating site, link removed, and go out with friends more. I am making a goal to ask at least one girl out per month. If I get more, great. But one is a starting point. This month I am already at two.

 

While I do not have a girlfriend (nor have I ever, yet), I have made some progress this year already. I already went on a date last weekend (even though it was awful), and I have a new date this weekend (I think this one has potential). I will let you guys know how that goes by the way. I have been talking to a few girls on okcupid and pof. Some I wouldn't bother with, but I have a few I am chatting with that could be potential dates.

 

I guess what I am saying is just go out and date pretty much anyone. Don't let age or anything like that effect you. Don't abandon your morals entirely though. I mean, I enjoy working out so I would probably not date someone who is extremely overweight and has no care for their own health. I am also a Christian so I probably wouldn't date someone who worships Satan. Just because you go on a date does not mean you have to commit to that person. It's okay to go to dinner and realize that one date is enough. However if you think there is potential AT ALL, go on a second date. I'm just saying if you see someone you think is somewhat interesting, just ask them out. Say something like "Are you busy next weekend?" and if not say "I would like to take you out next weekend then. Would you be up for that?".