"Never had a girlfriend" men(why)

[ClarenceRutherford]

This is a good plan, Fit.

 

Having standards is fine. If you're not attracted or interested in someone, you don't have to go out with them.

Keep as few standards or dealbreakers as possible.

 

This might be a good list of dealbreakers (non-negotiables):

 

-similar religion (doesn't have to be intense, but some acknowledgement)

-non smoking

-no alcoholics, criminal background, etc.

-no open promiscuity

-has to enjoy my company

 

For a single guy in his 20s:

-divorced with kids (didn't say divorced only- just the kids) (but it's negotiable)

 

Negotiables:

-college graduate

-appearance

 

These kind of things that people list should be preferences, not standards, as not everyone is gonna share your hobbies, interests, activities, etc.:

-must like animals

-must like sports

-must like movies

etc.

 

The larger the dealbreakers list, the more you'll needlessly screen-out potential dates.

 

---

 

On the scale of women you earlier referenced, I wouldn't think a 3-4 would be bad or unattractive.

 

How would you rate yourself on such a scale?

Where would a woman place you?

Try to be honest.

It could be 4-5. I rate myself 4-7 maybe. I'm told I'm still good looking, even at 48, and am not bald, fat or gray -- though there's an empty spot on my head and I'm getting gray hairs I'm clipping out. I could stand to lose a few pounds.

Someone at my HS reunion told me I've pretty much kept my looks. I found a couple of others like that there too but many were like I described.

 

 

You sound like you're on the right track. The key is to keep going out with women.

Don't get rusty on this.

[Staple]

Oh yeah I wasn't implying you should sit back and do nothing, I was just saying you don't have to date the first girl that looks at you just because you're desperate. Yeah you should definitely be out there.

[fitforlife]

I would rate myself a 7. I think a girl would rate me around there too, somewhere between a 6 and an 8. I am pretty good at reading any "interest signs". If a girl looks at you and smiles, she likes something. Some girls smile just to be nice, but I can tell a difference between a "nice" smile and an "I'm interested" smile.

 

Anyway, like I said my plan is to go out on one date per month. Even if I have to "swallow my pride" and go with someone a little indifferent, what's the hurt? I gain dating experience, and lose $30. To me though it's a win win, really. I feel like this weekends date I am going on has potential, but I am not going to head into it expecting anything. All I know is that dinner is set in stone, so whatever happens after that happens - whether it's a movie, bowling, or if dinner is it and we're done.

[hrtlsngl7]

I have a serious question for men who have never ever had a girlfriend in their life.I'm noticing a seriuos pattern between you guys.Why are you guys soo picky?I was playing matchmaker for some of my male"never had a gf in their life" friends and the men had this long list(looks,weight,she had to work out).Why are you men soooo picky?

 

I've had relationships but they have been sparse so I guess I qualify. Women have a whole bunch of expectations of us men ie: Washboard abs, min $40K a year, drive a BMW 745Li, have at least a Bachelors degre in (X), be 6ft+, and have a large member. Let's be real you can't see how nice a person is from accross the room and I've figured out that the person you hooked up with, that's the same person they're going 2 be years later. They will only change by 10% to what you want them to be. So it's like buying a car get what you want so you can be happy. I have a theory that women only date who they would marry. So I no longer bother with women I wouldn't marry. Therefore I don't interracial date nor date women w/ children narrows the pool SIGNIFIGANTLY.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Good to know you're not lacking in self-confidence in the looks dept.

Some guys on these boards are really hung-up on their looks.

 

On the "one date a month" deal, please try to increase it to 2-3X a month. I know it's hard to meet people and set things up, but doing more of it shoud help and like you said, give you some needed experience.

 

Many of your dates, incidentally, won't turn into real relationships. You'll find you may not have anything in common and won't want to ask her out again. Or, she may not see anything and turn you down if you do ask her out. Such things happen.

 

Also, please don't tell her "I'll call..." if you truly have no intention of calling her. That's rude.

 

There's nothing wrong with going out with someone a little diferenent, BTW, as opposites attract, as they say.

 

Sounds like you're off to a good start and are way ahead of some others even older than you I see post here on ENA that have struck out just asking girls out... then wallow in their self pity.

[ClarenceRutherford]

On my list of dealbreakers, there are others I didn't initially consider.

-Judgementalism or negativity

That would repel me in another person.

 

-A focus on virginity.

This may not be your desire, but some older virgin guys in their late 20s and 30s think they only want to date a virgin.

 

It might be a nice surprise but that shouldn't be an issue as many women, Christians included, may have lost their virginity by that age.

Instead, don't go after the openly promiscuous women.

 

For others reading this: am only saying not to focus on virgins bec. that could seriously limit your availability. Women are people as well and make mistakes, so that shouldn't be a dividing issue that could separate you from a lasting relationship.

 

You could add some other dealbreakers but try to keep such a list as small as possible so you have a bigger pool to choose from.

[fitforlife]

I appreciate your suggestions/thoughts and even some motivation you threw in there.

 

Yeah, I am not worried about my looks. I know I am a good looking guy. I think I am actually a little too stuck up about my looks at times, but in reality I am probably a 7. I could probably push an 8 with some of my really nice clothes.

 

Plus, I workout a lot, so I almost always feel good about myself. Any stress I have I usually take out in the weight room and leave it there. You saw just a few days ago how upset I was due to last weekends date and now, to be honest, I could care less about it. I admit my mindset can pretty much change on the second, but for the most part I am pretty sure with what I want in a relationship, a girl, etc.

 

I am looking forward to my date tomorrow. That is what I have control over in the meantime. It is valentines day weekend, and for the first time in 24 years I have what I would probably consider a valentines date. While I am certainly frustrated with my situation (my all around virgin status), I am not going to let it get me down. I am still going to make a legitimate effort to get out there and meet potential dates.

 

I am going to make a valid effort to come on this site normally to post my thoughts, maybe give some advice (even though I am not an expert by any means), and to learn new things. I know a site like this has potential to help me out. In the meantime, I hope you all have a good weekend!

[Spacecapsule]

Not saying you should date women that don't appeal to you, but please do yourself a favor and don't unnecessarily screen out potential dates based solely on looks.

 

On your dates, don't judge things solely by how things go on the first date.

A woman I went out with at 30, she didn't seem that inerested in me. I tried to get her into the conversation, but she didn't say much. We were on a double date.

 

A couple of weeks later, something kept telling me I needed to call her. I did and we dated 4 years before getting married. If I had gone only on first impressions, I wouldn't be with her now.

 

FloridaMan I really do appreciate your advice and encouragement. I am going to be in opportunity to be around some single girls tomorrow. I hope I have the guts to ask at least 1 to lunch. That is a small step, but I hope to take it tomorrow.

 

Also, I quoted the last part of your post because it spoke volumes to me. In the past I would have deeply hurt by that type of behavior (the perceived neglect or disinterest), and would have gotten angry and taken it out on the woman. If anything you have taught me the lesson patience.

[ClarenceRutherford]

One thing that I think is important is you have to be serious about meeting woman. For a long time I listened to a lot of other people and that really ruined a lot for me. People would always say "Wait for her to come" or "Don't go searching for a girlfriend" or worse, "It'll happen". I don't believe either of those. If you want a girlfriend, make it a priority in life. Do not wait for it to happen. That is like trying to get a job without applying for one.

Yes!!! This!!!

 

For a long time, I was in the same sit., go to work, come home, maybe do stuff with a friend here and there but I didn't really meet many women.

 

At 25, something in me stirred and I realized that if I was gonna find a life mate, I had to take initiative and do something proactive like going out and meeting women.

By 30, I had met her on a blind date.

FloridaMan I really do appreciate your advice and encouragement. I am going to be in opportunity to be around some single girls tomorrow. I hope I have the guts to ask at least 1 to lunch. That is a small step, but I hope to take it tomorrow.

A small step yes, but it could be big in your future and confidence.

Good to hear you're stepping off the diving board and not just looking at the water and afraid what might happen...

Also, I quoted the last part of your post because it spoke volumes to me. In the past I would have deeply hurt by that type of behavior (the perceived neglect or disinterest), and would have gotten angry and taken it out on the woman. If anything you have taught me the lesson patience.

My case was a bit unusual. It was a blind date set up by my date's best friend. She had been setting her up on dates for years after her fiance ditched her..

At the restaurant, I couldn't get her going in conversation.

 

Her lack of conversation could be expected as this was the first time we had met so she may have been a little nervious. Her best friend - when she asked me if I'd be interested in meeting her - told me she was shy...

 

So her best friend and her husband and I ended up doing most of the talking bec. we were in a similar field, though I kept trying to bring her into the talk. She wasn't disrespectful, just quiet as she was in another field and may have felt she couldn't contribute.

 

During the date, I thought, "This isn't working out. I'll get through the evening and meet other girls..."

 

After dinner, we got in her best friend's car and drove to a scenic overlook, where my date and I had a chance to talk alone as the other couple backed away. So I got to know her a little better through conversation.

 

As I earlier thought there wasn't much interest on her part, I didn't immediately consider asking her out. But after a week or two, it hit me that maybe I needed to call her....

The rest is history.

 

Point is: people could be nervous on dates. So don't take lack of intense interaction as a sign of anything bad. If there's no great interaction on the next date, well that's a diff. story...

[wsim]

FloridaMan, are there any good places/strategies to meet women? I'm 26 and never had a girlfriend before, though I want to take the initiative and very serious about changing things. The problem is that none of my friends/acquaintances ever set me up on blind dates with girls, or introduce me to anyone new, though I have casually asked them in the past. I believe that meeting new people is essential as my current social circles will continue to yield nothing. I've tried online dating for example, but never worked out. The bar and clubbing scene is not really for me though and have little interest in meeting girls there. Finding available single girls in my age group seems challenging, as I'm a couple years removed from graduating university and no longer in school, I am stuck in a rut since there are no opportunities, and haven't been for the last few years. The ones that interest me are always taken. I shouldn't force myself to meet new people, but believe it is the only way to change my lonely situation. Any advice or suggestions would be helpful.

[-John-]

One thing that I think is important is you have to be serious about meeting woman. For a long time I listened to a lot of other people and that really ruined a lot for me. People would always say "Wait for her to come" or "Don't go searching for a girlfriend" or worse, "It'll happen". I don't believe either of those. If you want a girlfriend, make it a priority in life. Do not wait for it to happen. That is like trying to get a job without applying for one.

 

God yes. Finally someone says it.

[Lonewing]

I have a serious question for men who have never ever had a girlfriend in their life.I'm noticing a seriuos pattern between you guys.Why are you guys soo picky?I was playing matchmaker for some of my male"never had a gf in their life" friends and the men had this long list(looks,weight,she had to work out).Why are you men soooo picky?

 

Well, I'll tell you why. Bacause one night I decided to give my standards the finger and turna blind cheek to fate - I shacked up with a woman who you would agree has a terrific heart, but alas, a corrupt soul [but this is not something you would be able to tell in a social gather, becasue in that sort of place such a freely giving soul is welcome by the lonely, the bored, and the deprived!!

 

Anyhow, she had a number of things I say NO!! to. Kids? NO! Divorces? NO! Drinks...alot? NO! Long past of many short serial relationships?!! NO! Minimalists? NO! Vegatarians? NO! Seriously Religious? NO! Still "figuring out their life?" NO! Dramatic weight fluctuations and poor eating habits [basically, starvations followed by feast habits...rolly me eyes!?] NO! Acts younger than her own 6 year old? NO!

 

The 2.5 years I was with this woman were ultimately a great waste of my time - you mgith say it was a "valueable lesson of experience," but the wisdom I learned form this experience was wisdom I already knew, having learned it form what I had read, observed, and hypothesized on my own beforehand. It isn't necessary to "experience" a kick in the groin by mule to know what a kick to the groin feels like, which is how I read your "buckle up and just GET SOME/GET WITH SOMEONE already" rant.

 

Basically put, as men we know well what a train wreck looks like - we can see it before it happens. And there are a number of women who we are not ready to commit harry carrey just so we can be "with someone." We know what the behavior looks like, and we know there's not much we can do - we're bandaide specialists, not surgeons, but there's a number of women nowadays who are at least three surgeries removed from a mere bandaid fix... we can be pretty magical, I'm sure, but we're no miracle workers - and we're still not ready to melt ourselves down so this other person can become what we were before the relationship started...No Thanks!!!

 

Me personally, I believe I deserve a woman who is well educated, nicely dressed, grown up, in great shape, who respects herself, her man AND her heart, respectful, sentimental, responsible, mature, motherly, devoted, loving and in touch with the needs of both her body and her respective male body. I'd love to find a woman who has a couple solid hobbies, and no I won't belittle her for what they may be, even if the hobby may resemble something one might consider childish - Because that is precisely the kind of man I am - and I won't accept anything less as my mate.

 

And I am SURE there are many women out there who feel the same as I do!

[Lonewing]

The greatest pain these days, FAMan, is how few people have this kind of patience. And even if you the man [or woman] does, the other person has already moved on themselves and is in no mood to even entertain the idea of another minute, much less an evening with you.

It takes not one but TWO serious people to make a serious relationship...

[fitforlife]

Hey guys, I don't want to take up this thread with my personal stuff, but last night I had a pretty solid date. It went good and I have no complaints. Told her I wanted to go out again and she said yes. Unfortunately she is really busy with school, so it could be tough to get together every weekend, but I hope to make a valid effort to go out again. She is four years younger than me, so that is the only thing subconsciously bugging me (mainly cause we can't go to bars/clubs). But I am 100% sure I will be asking her to hangout again the near future. There was some attraction and the awkward silence was kept to a minimal. We had burgers at a really good restaurant which was cool with meme, a lot better than the "dinner date" I had last weekend. Usually I have a drink or two on a date to mellow me out, but I had none last night, so I am really pleased to see I did okay as the real me, so to speak.

 

I left after 7pm and I broke out of my comfort zone a little bit. I went to a link removed meeting at a local sports bar and saw a band play. I was nervous as hell, mainly because it's something I normally wouldn't do. But I told myself if I want to meet new people, I have to quit expecting them to come to me. One thing that has helped me tremendously is I often imagine I have an inner demon holding me back. So anytime I want to do anything new but I am nervous to do so, I remind myself "that demon is holding you back". And guess what? I went and I had a pretty good time. It was a little different at first, but I pretty much walked in, said "Hey I'm so and so, just joined the group a few days ago". Sat at a table with some others (I was probably the youngest there at 24), and had a pretty good conversation. Ended up meeting new people, met a few cool ones who I friended on facebook now. It's about expanding your playing field and meeting new people. Next weekend I am going to another meetup at some bars/clubs downtown, and I have a potential okcupid date coming up in a few weeks.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Don't worry about posting here. Use it as a blog, like I do with my ENA and Love Shack threads and posts.

Even if I don't get a lot of responses and the last 3-4 posts are only from me, I think of it as a blog.

The posts do get read. You know when you say something one of the women disagrees with. They take you to task for your attitude.

 

Good to hear you're having some success, Fit. You're doing all the right things, putting yourself out there and meeting women.

Brace yourself of course for inevitible rejection (not every girl is gonna be interested) but like job hunting, that's the price you pay for a relationship.

 

Seems like the OP, quietgirl, isn't involved in ENA anymore. Wanted to PM her about something but see I can't even do that, though she has numerous posts.

[fitforlife]

Yep, and I have been making a real attempt so far at doing so. I have joined two online dating sites and joined multiple meetup groups. Both of those were outside my "comfort zone" but I broke through and joined. Went to a meetup this past weekend and it was tough for me to go, mainly because it's something I normally wouldn't do, but it certainly helped me in the confidence area once I did it. I have also been on the dating sites, not looking for love but just looking for people to talk to and date. I am also getting rid of the "perfectionist" attitude towards woman as well, there is no such things as a perfect female. For too long I would have a huge list of things that I would not want in a partner and then I would wonder why I had no dates.

 

I am pretty much messaging anyone as long as they have SOMETHING similar as far as religion goes, does not have kids, and doesn't smoke - that's not asking for too much. Yes, I have been messaging all sorts of girls - even ones that are 9/10 or 10/10, way up there in the "looks" category. I am also going out on the weekends and my PRIORITY is to go and have fun, but "secondary" things would be eyeballing around to see if there's any girls - usually I do this and have no issues, I'll say hi, buy them a drink, and go from there.

 

I guess what I am saying is if you want to date someone, go and ask her..the worst she will can say is “no”. Unless you are making a complete ass out of yourself most girls will be polite about it (and anyone who is rude isn't worth your time anyways). Many will respect you for having enough courage to ask in the first place, and if a girl says no, just move on and forget about it. Don’t try to analyze or try to think things "like what if I did this", or "what if I did that", or "was it something I wore", "was it something I said". I used to do that a lot and it killed me. I used to think any dates that fell through was because of something I said or did, and then when I FINALLY got another date (months, or a year later), I would remind myself not to repeat that, then I'd get all worked up and ruin the new date just as bad, if not worse.

 

For me at 24, never having a girlfriend, never having sex, and never even a kiss - I will admit deep down inside I wonder if I will meet the right one (or anyone for that matter). I often wonder if I'll die with those exact same "labels". But I try to remind myself as long as I continue to make it a priority in my life, then I don't see how it can't eventually happen.

[Spacecapsule]

Well yesterday went pretty well. I took the approach of just mingling with everyone around, and just try to approach it from the looking from friends perspective. Seemingly worked pretty well, a young woman invited me to a get together Thursday so we will see how that goes.

[fitforlife]

Good to hear man!!! Are you guys going out together? I am assuming something like dinner?

 

I asked this girl on okcupid I was talking to out on a "date" and her answer was "We'll see...I'll have to let you know". I am pretty sure that translates to a no, so I think I got denied, haha.

[Leftright]

I think most guys that haven't had a relationship or marriage by the time they're 40 is because they get stuck in their ways.

 

Some try hard and fail, and others don't try at all. Either way, each circumstance can sometimes lead to the person putting dating/relationships to the side, while they focus on other aspects of their life. Time passes, and all of a sudden, they turn 40, and are still single.

 

Maybe by the time 40 hits, some of us guys feel that we're ready to pursue a relationship, and decide to get out there again. It doesn't necessarily mean that theres something wrong with them. It is really shallow to assume such things about a guy in this situation.

 

-LR

[ClarenceRutherford]

Good to hear man!!! Are you guys going out together? I am assuming something like dinner?

 

I asked this girl on okcupid I was talking to out on a "date" and her answer was "We'll see...I'll have to let you know". I am pretty sure that translates to a no, so I think I got denied, haha.

Yeah, that happens. But that's only one girl. So keep at it. Others will say yes. Trust me.

[iwishiknew]

I never had a gf before because I'm only 5'2, born with MHE and I don't have physical attraction. I never been out on a date or kissed a girl yet. I have always been turned down and rejected because of my height and physical attracion. I'm always judged by my height and looks. I'm very outgoing, nice, friendly, honest, caring and athetic but never any dates or a gf. You would thing having these characteristics would get me dates and a gf but it has not. Even girls who share the same exact interests as me they don't want to go out with me. Being below average and different is very difficult for me getting a gf. I'm 32 and almost 33, half of my life is gone and seems like I'm never going have a gf in my life.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I never had a gf before because I'm only 5'2, born with MHE and I don't have physical attraction. I never been out on a date or kissed a girl yet. I have always been turned down and rejected because of my height and physical attracion. I'm always judged by my height and looks. I'm very outgoing, nice, friendly, honest, caring and athetic but never any dates or a gf. You would thing having these characteristics would get me dates and a gf but it has not. Even girls who share the same exact interests as me they don't want to go out with me. Being below average and different is very difficult for me getting a gf. I'm 32 and almost 33, half of my life is gone and I feel like I'm never going have a gf.

Can we ask what kind of girls you're trying to ask out?

 

How would you rate them on a scale of 1-10? (another poster in this thread used that scale).

Where do you rate yourself on the same system?

[mammadon]

I have a serious question for men who have never ever had a girlfriend in their life.I'm noticing a seriuos pattern between you guys.Why are you guys soo picky?I was playing matchmaker for some of my male"never had a gf in their life" friends and the men had this long list(looks,weight,she had to work out).Why are you men soooo picky?

 

IMO it depends. It could be that the woman genuinely doesn't meet their standards, which everybody has in some sense. I understand that beggars cannot be choosers, but to me it depends on the reason why the guy turns them down.

[mammadon]

Another thing is that I don't see why a person should feel down for not dating.

 

In reality, nobody needs to date. For the bulk of times, dating is done for fun/social reasons (or simply to look cool by being seen as a player) and this is why people who don't date often are looked down on.

 

Everybody can understand that one needs companionship, but people shouldn't fall for what pop culture says. Nobody is a loser for not dating often.

[fitforlife]

Personally my only standards when it comes to dating is no kids, and some sort of religious belief similar to that of mine (Christianity). Otherwise, I'm pretty much game. I'm relatively fit (though I am not a muscular or bodybuilder type guy by any means), but I have taken girls on a date that were twice my size. The girl I took on a date two weeks ago (the one I screwed up on), her arms were like two of mine combined. One girl I took on a date a few years ago when I was in college, she was really cool. I ordered the usual chicken with veggies dinner at a restaurant while she got chili with cheese for appetizer, huge ribeye steak, potatoes with gravy, and a desert for herself.

 

Pretty much in the end will give anyone a chance. Not because I am a player or desperate but because I am an open and honest guy. Of course I would have to have a reason for going on a date, like some sort of interest either physically or on a personality level. But as long as someone seems somewhat interesting I will take them out. Plus for a guy like me who is a virgin I need all the experience I can get.

 

By the way, as you know I went on a date this previous weekend and I said it went good. At the end of the date I ask her to go out again, and she agreed. So I decided to drop her a line and ask her if she would be willing to go bowling, or something fun like this in a few weeks. I will post to everyone what she says....

 

Also the plenty of fish date fell through, she deleted me off facebook which I expected, but I have other contacts I am talking to instead anyways