I had to post and come clean...

[need2bme]

I know that quite a few of you guys have been trying to help me and I needed to come clean about sending an email to my ex. I would have chickened out over the phone. I was mad, because I was always scared to just say how I felt used.

 

Blender, I know you are going to be angry that I did not take the advice to not feel the need to prove anything to her and that the best thing I could do was to grow. I am going to grow. I just finally wanted to be bold enough to say what I felt. I will be better...

 

Here is what I sent

 

Hello,

 

Sorry for sending you this at work, but I know you don't read your home email. I woke up angry this morning and thought that if I didn't send this, I would chicken out and dammit, I need to say this.

 

You know I was thinking that you needed someone to move in with your family when your brother moved out and there I was. You ended up at my condo to be friends with benefits and basically lived there. You ended up at my town-home, basically moved in and I ended up living with you and your sister, which was fine because as hard as it is for you to believe, I actually cared about you two, but you never even offered to pay rent. I had to ask for it after I offered you the second room.

 

So, finally you decide to get your own place, because you guys want your own place and you end up gravitating to my apartment, basically because all of the crud that was going on at your place. So, we store a bunch of stuff at my place, you basically live there and again you offer no help at all. You need help with your business and I gave you plenty of help to even include letting you know that I would answer phones or help you find a place to start your business in.

 

So you decide you will buy a condo for your family, but for some reason, you don't want me to help or know anything about it. Your family backs out and you decide to do it anyway. I move in with you, because I don't want you to go under and leave my apartment. So you immediately tell me that I need to pay more than your sister, because I made more money than here. That makes no sense. A roommate is a roommate. Just another way I should have know I did not mean squat. Then, I start working the other job and am making the same amount that she does and am I paying less? No, I am not.

 

So, I am worried about you going under and realize that you need help so I get someone involved to give you a loan on your property who then decides to buy it. So, they buy it and you walk away with enough money to pay everyone back. You got the loan to pay people off to begin with and then got to sell the place and walk away with enough to no longer need me.

 

During this last year, you are living in the apartment that we had to get together and living with all of my stuff, while I am living with K-Mart furniture, sleeping on an air mattress and eating with plastic silverware for Pete's sake, all so you could have everything you needed. I grant you that I thought I would be coming home, but a part of me knew it was over. So I am now by myself, struggling, while you live in THAT apartment with your boyfriend and I didn't have the guts to say anything about it. I would say all this on the phone, only I know I would chicken out.

 

All of this that I went through and even though I handled it poorly, with no heart and treated you bad, more than once, I had a huge weight on my shoulder in dealing with your family, whom you know did not like me (even when I tried to be nice) and with all the bills and everything else. Not once did you try to help or hug me or take my hand and tell me everything would be ok. Not once did you say, ya know, here...this might help.

 

...and not once, did you truly give me your heart. Sure, you call me on Valentine's Day. Of all days, when you know my heart is just smashed and that is when you call. That evening I was walking around and thinking of all the couples that were together and then you call, when you have a boyfriend. You will say that it was to be nice and you are still my friend; but that day?

 

None of that matters now though, does it? I did all I could for you and never asked that you do anything in return, other than give me your true love and ask you to marry me once. I did and I did and did not ask for thanks. It wasn't like I was going to get it anyway.

 

Oh, and by the way, you're welcome.

[dgtx]

You really got a lot off your chest. She sounds like my ex-gf though. She will see you as the aggressor here, and will use this against you. I argued with my ex-gf on Thursday, and regretted stooping to her level. Now I am doing NC on my side, but I will probably answer if she calls. I think generally that anger toward an ex does not work. They have their own point of view. You are the one that has to change. I know it is very difficult. I am really having a hard time too. My ex-gf is an anger addict, controller, and BPD with Narcissistic tendencies. She is always right. She gets off on me being wrong and her being victimized by me. It is usually the other way around. I got my hopes up because she apologized to me last week for the first time. Now she is demonizing me because she wants to hurt me. She stormed out of my house on Valentine's Day and won't talk to me about it. At any rate, what are you trying to get out of that e-mail? What do you want from her? Do you want her back?

[mr_echo]

dgtx,

 

your ex-gf sounds identical to mine. Was she always in a permanent bad mood? Did she do things or say things to make you react a certain way and then cry foul? Like a self-fulfilling prophecy? Just curious cos' even tho I loved her to bits the sheer effort was overwhelming me that something had to give. Also she was covertly judgemental and quite narcissistic...interesting.

[need2bme]

dgtx: Yeah, I guess I got a lot off my chest. I should let you know that I actually went away to work in another area, so she could stay in our apartment. I don't know what I was tying to get out of the email and I don't want anything from her. I just felt the need to get the guts to finally get it out. I sent it to her and then thought I should come clean here, about breaking LC. She calls me from time to time as if nothing has happened and jokes with me like before. She has to understand that it doesn't work that way. I don't know if she is narcissistic, but I do know that she enjoyed being the center of attention.

 

She once told me she felt as if she never belonged and that made me quite sad for her and I was sorry she felt that way, but at sometime, someone has to do their part in making themselves a part of something.

 

mr echo: Your comment about "the sheer effort" made me think. I know one has to work at a relationship, but it should take effort on only one side and the amount of effort should not be so great that it tears down the relationship.

[dgtx]

Yes, she was in a bad mood a lot of the time. She accused me of being negative and pessimistic, yet she was the one doing 80-90% of the complaining. Women like her want someone to meet all their needs, because they have a giant void in their life for whatever reason. Then when I didn't meet all her needs (who could?) she blamed me.

[blender]

Need2bme, I'm would never be 'ANGRY" at you... I care about you and your "healing".. so next time you feel this 'anger towards her" an email to YOURSELF about your own choices during the relationship that were your OWN responsiblity and YOUR part of the "pattern" that developed, (trust me she couldn't have gotten away with all she did with your your cooperation)this way you can work on your own issues, and no longer feel that "urge" to educate her on "her issues"....

 

Because again the fact is it does not matter to YOUR HEALING "if" SHE ever "understands it/the relationship, the right/wrong" or not... because YOU ARE GOING TO GROW PAST ALL THIS NO MATTER WHICH WAY YOU CHOOSE TO DO SO.. you're going to be okay, you'll someday look back on all this as the "lesson" is had the POTENTIAL to be in YOUR LIFE.. not so much the "lesson" in "might' be in hers...

 

I'm always here for ya..no matter how many times you go to the dry well for water.. I understand, I've been there myself... best, Blender

[need2bme]

so next time you feel this 'anger towards her" an email to YOURSELF about your own choices during the relationship that were your OWN responsiblity and YOUR part of the "pattern" that developed, (trust me she couldn't have gotten away with all she did with your your cooperation)this way you can work on your own issues, and no longer feel that "urge" to educate her on "her issues"....

 

Again Blender, you say all that needs to be said; right there...

 

I felt bad after sending it, but I did it and she will read it tomorrow. What is done, is done. I think though, that the email still shows that I let this stuff bug me and after re-reading what I wrote, it read really petty. It read as if I was worried only about money and I wasn't.

 

I was trying to be more to the point of being there for her, even while we were both struggling financially. Plus, I think it really rattled me that she called to wish me a Happy Valentines Day.

 

What should matter the most though, is me and my taking accountability for the things I can. You are right in that there was no way she could have done all she did, alone.

 

I hear ya...and thanks again.

[dgtx]

It's ok. Just move on to the next day. Maybe she'll be somewhat reasonable about your e-mail. Just focus on your feelings if she contacts you about the e-mail. Don't allow her to beat you up about it.

[blender]

yes, it's fine, you did what you needed to do emotionally for yourself in the moment, and it's NOT "petty".. it's an "expression of the realization and frustration" you've been dealing with, and you got it off your chest.

 

So it's fine, you're going to get past all this, and it's all going to be okay.. so please no"regret" sending it, because the "fact" is, it doesn't matter, she speaks HER own "emotional language" and you speak "your own" emotional language... so she will not think of what you say as "petty'.. it will be more of a "realization" for her, "IF" she is even capable of that emotionally, but the FACT still remains, it was okay to send it, and all the "emotions" you are putting yourself through..well, you'll be so much better for having gone through all the phases.. you will...

[mr_echo]

Yes, she was in a bad mood a lot of the time. She accused me of being negative and pessimistic, yet she was the one doing 80-90% of the complaining. Women like her want someone to meet all their needs, because they have a giant void in their life for whatever reason. Then when I didn't meet all her needs (who could?) she blamed me.

 

Very similar to my Ex...after the initial "honeymoon" phase where I was idealised and pursued she moved in with me. I think there were financial reasons for this amongst others. She would tell me how much I meant to her etc etc. Then after a few months little criticism started to creep in. Very small things really but they all began to add up. I didn't know what was going on and tried even harder to meet her many needs. Then she began to withdraw to the point of finishing the relationship and stating that she no longer required anything off me. She is a bright university grad who has a huge sense of self-entitlement. As far as I can determine she walked after our very first argument. I'm wondering if she's got someone else now.

 

](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) Day 4 NC

[need2bme]

It is amazing how one minute you might want to do something to work through your feelings and then in the next moment, wish you hadn't.

 

Bottom line it though, I think it is better to work through those feelings and not act on them right away. It is good to examine them first; even if it is only to figure out why one would think it not a good thing to send emails when one might clearly not need someone back, so why worry about it?

[need2bme]

Oh, and Mr. Echo, I can feel that brick wall too.

[dgtx]

Mr. Echo- hang in there, I'm on day 5 of LC. Haven't heard from her yet. Need2beme- i hope that you're having a great day! Both of your stories sound a lot like mine.

[need2bme]

Sometimes it just makes you think...

 

So, as most of you know, explained in a different post, I sent the ex an email flaming her for how she took advantage of me and how I was hurt. I should have held back, but was feeling really bad.

 

Anyway, I had not heard from her and did not expect to. So, last night I get out of the gym and lo and behold, there is a message on my phone.

 

Not a message about the email, not a message saying she is sorry, but a message about everything being taken care of for a bill. A bill, that will now go to her and the correct address.

 

We already took care of this bill. We did it about a week and a half ago. So, um, huh? The only bill we have left is one I have to give permission to change. She didn't call about that one, she called about one we handled.

 

Then there was, "oh, I will call you tomorrow. You don't have to call back, because I have to get back into class." Huh?

 

This is what I am talking about...

[blender]

yes, SHE has a "pattern" that you are now well aware of so the only power you have is to make a CHOICE to not allow yourself to be suckered into her unhealthy life pattern... let it go, ignore all calls, no more contact, and if you have to settle "another bill" then do so immediately through paper work, and then you can notify her in one simple line through email that it's been taken care of... this is your choice now, the choice to "accept" her pattern and not take it personally anymore, not in a negative or positive way, and to now accept that her "behavior" is about HER, not about you..or the other guy, or anyone else, it's about her, it's her, it's the way she is, was way before you came into her life, and she will be "choosing this pattern" of behavior for a long time...maybe even the rest of her life...

 

but the good news is that as much as you are now "educated and aware" of WHO SHE IS, and HER life pattern, you are now also aware of your own "choices and patterns".. and those YOU DO HAVE THE POWER to change your part in all this.

 

Yes, your feelings of frustration and confusion are real, but right now it's important to separate your "feelings from the facts".. and to "accept" that you are powerless over who she is and the choices she makes on the way she "handles" her relationships, whether it be with you, someone from her past, or in her current life...

 

We usually find out more about "who" are exes are by what they "reveal" of themselves after the break up... this is just as much a part of who they are as all the things we "fell for" in the first place, they have as much power and equal representation of who they are, their character, their loyalty, their emotional intelligence, their stability or lack of... etc.

 

These character flaws she has are not exclusively related to you, never have been, and will be alive in whatever relationship she is in.. eventually her "pattern" will resurface and any relationship she is in will "suffer lack of emotional sincerety" because of this... it's sad, but the only one who has the power to change this in her is HER.. and she might not ever "want" to do the "self work" involved to rise above her own issues so that she may have a fulfilling quality loyal committed relationship with anyone..including herself.

 

Hang in there, and try not to get caught up in the frustrating thoughts of "why" she behaves the way she does, it's not personal, it's just her "survival pattern"... best, Blender

[houdini]

Hello, After reading this post and the descriptions of the ex's involved I feel that my ex has alot of these same issues as well.

 

My ex-gf is an anger addict, controller, and BPD with Narcissistic tendencies. She is always right. She gets off on me being wrong and her being victimized by me. It is usually the other way around. I got my hopes up because she apologized to me last week for the first time. Now she is demonizing me because she wants to hurt me

 

This fits my ex girlfriend to the tee!!! I always felt I could never do right in her eyes, as she always felt she was the victim not only with me but anyone that was close to her, it was all about her and her feelings and no one elses feelings. She constantly played the victim and the one being attacked. She wanted to be in control and always blamed me and still blames me for everything that has went wrong in our relationship and portrays the victim. She has only said she was sorry or was wrong less than a half a dozen times in our relationship and I've always taken blame for what went wrong. She finally ended it with me 5weeks ago and I'm on my 4th day of NC. Makes me wonder why I want to be with her so much and miss and love her...cause it sure doesnt seem like there are to many good reasons to be with her..... try walking on eggshells for 5yrs and trying to do right but always doing wrong then getting dumped and getting blamed for the failure of the relationship. Dont get me wrong I made my share of mistakes but I never gave up, recognized my problems, worked on them and did my best to fix them all the while trying to make her happy or trying to get close to her only to be pushed away with her negativity...oh by the way, she's a successful, educated woman with 3kids 2 different fathers (I'm one of the fathers) and is a completely negative person....

[Wandering_Sword]

Excellent way of just letting it out! I hope you do feel a hell of a lot better. Eventhough she doesn't respond, who cares, she read it and if she doesn't have the wherewithal to understand then you are better off without her. You deserve to find someone that appreciates the qualities that you can give to a relationship.

[need2bme]

Well, I saw her this weekend, because I was in the area. She asked if I was still mad at her. She was upset, but it does boil down to simply this;

 

She had the power to stop all of this and CHOSE not to. All she had to do was pick up the phone and not have to flirt, kiss, hug, hold hands, talk about feelings or whatever and simply be with me. She could have all she thinks she is missing (or at least what I think she thinks, from her actions ;-) ).

 

I had decided to simply be in a state of acceptance, as that is where I need to be. I need to quit fighting my feelings and as IceMotoBoy puts it, "just feel them".

 

I was doing well too, realizing that I miss her and still care for her and that it is ok to feel that way. Of course, then I saw her...

 

I realize my heart is not where it needs to be, to simply just be around her without actually being with her.

 

Since she cannot figure out that she does/does not want me in the manner she behaves as if she does, then it is up to me, to make things right for me.