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Everything posted by dgtx

  1. Mr. Echo- hang in there, I'm on day 5 of LC. Haven't heard from her yet. Need2beme- i hope that you're having a great day! Both of your stories sound a lot like mine.
  2. IMHO, she is checking in periodically to see if you still love her. It seems manipulative of her at best. Really examine your feelings when she disappears the next time. Is that how you want to feel for the next 3 years? My ex-gf and I have been broken up for 6 weeks, and I am still (erroneously) thinking that she has anything resembling my best interests at heart. I am working on much more limited contact to get through this. If you are truly happy with the state of things, then you may know intuitively. Just try to explore that.
  3. It's ok. Just move on to the next day. Maybe she'll be somewhat reasonable about your e-mail. Just focus on your feelings if she contacts you about the e-mail. Don't allow her to beat you up about it.
  4. Yes, she was in a bad mood a lot of the time. She accused me of being negative and pessimistic, yet she was the one doing 80-90% of the complaining. Women like her want someone to meet all their needs, because they have a giant void in their life for whatever reason. Then when I didn't meet all her needs (who could?) she blamed me.
  5. You really got a lot off your chest. She sounds like my ex-gf though. She will see you as the aggressor here, and will use this against you. I argued with my ex-gf on Thursday, and regretted stooping to her level. Now I am doing NC on my side, but I will probably answer if she calls. I think generally that anger toward an ex does not work. They have their own point of view. You are the one that has to change. I know it is very difficult. I am really having a hard time too. My ex-gf is an anger addict, controller, and BPD with Narcissistic tendencies. She is always right. She gets off on me being wrong and her being victimized by me. It is usually the other way around. I got my hopes up because she apologized to me last week for the first time. Now she is demonizing me because she wants to hurt me. She stormed out of my house on Valentine's Day and won't talk to me about it. At any rate, what are you trying to get out of that e-mail? What do you want from her? Do you want her back?
  6. Yesterday was really difficult. I thought I was losing my mind, because I was feeling so lonely. I saw my former bandleader play with his new band last night, and had a very good time. That helped. It's now been NC for 4 days, and I have decided to do 28 consecutive days of meditation for 30-90 minutes per day, as a spiritual retreat, and to focus on the divine in my life. That is the only thing that will work for me not to contact her. I have not ruled out answering her calls and being polite, but not bending to her. There are times when I miss her terribly. I try to return from that state to one of gentle exploration of the feeling, and being mindful of my needs.
  7. She sounds very confused. It doesn't seem fair to you that she is giving you these mixed messages. I would be a little cooler with her. In this case, I think you're doing the right thing by not always taking her calls.
  8. Well, I "went out." I am back now. Sadder and wiser. The ex-gf called me last week and wanted to pick up some things. The next day she called again, and she prepared lunch for me at her place. She was much nicer and was conciliatory. So I got her flowers for V-day. Well, Wednesday she came over and caught me in a (very, very minor) white lie. She stormed out and refused to talk about it. Yesterday morning she came over to pick up some of her things and picked a fight with me. She called me a liar and said she couldn't believe anything I said. I stood up to her for the first time, gave her concrete examples of a few of her (major) lies, and told her that she was a verbal abuser and needed psychological help. NC since then. I bought a book on verbal abuse, and am convinced that she fits almost all the categories. I'm not taking her crap anymore. However, it is still sad to be alone. I am ready to move on. I resumed my meditation practice today! It is interesting that being with her meant that my entire focus had to be on her. Now I have more time for myself. The sadness keeps coming back, and I am not trying to stuff it.
  9. Brill, I dated a woman in 1986 for 3 months and then again in 2003 for 6 months. Both breakups were very difficult because the time elapsed made me think it would work the 2nd time. Plus I had been wondering about her all those years. When we got together again, I thought that it would be different. I was really devastated by the 2nd breakup. I still can't imagine what you've been through, however.
  10. Thanks, that really makes me feel better about myself. I've been feeling sick inside that I could have put up with so much b.s. from her. My 9 year old daughter is staying at my house tonight. I'm glad to be a parent. It is such a blessing.
  11. Redsuede, you deserve to be with someone who loves you back, attends to you, and respects you! Thanks for your posts and good luck, sounds like you're really getting to the healing place.
  12. Thanks redsuede. She is so angry in general, but she is really good at making hurtful comments in a "nice" way. About 5 minutes after she left, she called me and said she was sorry. She sounded like she was crying. I'm not going to feel sorry for her at my expense.
  13. Exactly! I also felt like I had to "not ever mess up", be perfect so she wouldn't get mad, etc. She says that she is happier now, since I'm not around to aggravate her. I thought that I could change her, but that was a pipe dream. I really think that I can spot an abuser pretty well now. It is difficult to acknowledge my part in the relationship. I am trying to realize that I was part of the "dysfunctional ballet."
  14. Matsch, I think verbal abusers have to really want to get better. I don't think my ex-gf sees that she has anything wrong with her. She just wants to keep me interested in her. I'm not falling for it. I wonder if I should just tell her not to call me. Part of me is ok with her company occasionally, as I feel pretty detached from her now. Sorry that you had to put up with it for 5 years. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I had to put up with a LOT of subtle and not-so-subtle criticism. She said over time that I was: a bad parent, not attentive enough to her (no one ever is attentive enough to a verbal abuser), not appreciative of her, obese (I'm 6 ft. 215 and look pretty trim, except for a bit of a belly), smelly, messy, angry, too sensitive (when I defended myself against her attacks), too nice to her son, too mean to her son, lacking integrity, etc etc. I AM GLAD I DON'T HAVE TO HEAR THAT ANYMORE!! I was addicted to her though, and that is something I am working on with my therapist.
  15. and I took the call. The funny thing is that this morning I was feeling the most healed that I have to date. Then of course she has radar for that and calls me. Uncanny. She came over to get some kids summer camp flyers, the NY Times Science section, and the phone #s for dentist and insurance person. She commented on how my kitchen looked cleaner, but that my new metal shelves clashed with my cabinets. And you know what? I didn't care what she said. She also said that I had been too angry to be with. I suggested gently to her that she seemed pretty angry to me a lot of the time, which she denied (of course.) And she gave me some other psychological advice (of course.) Right after she left, she called me to say she was sorry that she had said those things. Hmmm, felt a little manipulative to me. Said we could be friends "if I wanted." She's good...I felt pretty good afterward actually.
  16. If you are about to come, stop, pull out. Before you do pull out, tell her that you're about to come and you don't want to yet. Focus on her pleasure. Fondle her breasts. Kiss her her all over her body. See her body as many sources of pleasure for her, not just her genitals. Then if you feel you're not so close to coming, try going in to her again. It's not easy to do, but practice it.
  17. I have ups and downs. This morning I imagined her with one of her previous lovers. They are still in contact. That was rough. The last time I spoke with her, she kept dropping names of guys that she had talked to recently. I thought that was mean & unnecessary, and didn't take the bait. She was trying to make me jealous. I really am glad I'm doing NC, trying to let my brain rule me here. I played drums this morning and did some singing. That felt good.
  18. I'm working on understanding why I stayed with her. She was great at first, we were friends for 7 months before we became lovers. She was polite and kind, and seemed interested in me and what I had to offer. We had GREAT times together for much of the time. Once we got close, she changed and became very cutting, critical, and self-absorbed. I kept trying to get the old person back. I kept trying for 2 years. Honestly, I believe that she had a borderline personality disorder with narcissistic tendencies. She was quick with breezy put-downs of me (as a parent, as a person) etc. etc.
  19. Well my gf and I broke up on Jan. 4- pretty mutual. She has been very bossy and controlling to me. After we broke up, she kept calling and asking for help- first her car was stuck and she needed help, next she needed help getting her son's bed out of my house. Every time she called me she needed something. I agreed to help her, because that's all I've done for her. I paid for three trips so we could care for her dying father. She borrowed my 2nd car for a year while hers was broken down in my driveway. All the time she was telling me how I didn't appreciate her and all she had done. The physical side was great, when she allowed it. However, she would cut me off for weeks at a time for various reasons. Long story short, I asked her to leave my house after one month (August) with her 12 year old son and her driving me crazy. I paid for an apartment for her just to get her out of my house. I continued to see her. My 9 year old daughter and her son were friends. But he is also very bossy and controlling to her. On top of that, she told me at Christmas that he stole $20 from her and made her buy him a present. That was the kicker for me. I confronted my gf about this, she told me it was just a transaction, that my daughter would get her $ back and that I needed to tell her that now she hadn't gotten her son a XMAS present. Anyway, she wanted the kids to keep being friends. My daughter does not want to see her son anymore. I told my ex-gf this. My ex-gf kept trying to force my daughter to be friends with her son, to the point of demanding that my daughter apologize to him for hurting his feelings!! Any how, I got so sick of the b.s. that I stopped calling her. NC for 6 days now, and I feel better. I can't believe I put up with all the stuff I was putting up with. It's not easy, but I feel like I'm being a good parent. I think I was addicted to my ex-gf.
  20. I quit almost 3 years ago, and am much happier for it. I am also working a 12-step program. Please check it out. Savoie is right, you have to quit for yourself. Or keep smoking, it's up to you. It might be fine for you, it wasn't for me after 28 years of it.
  21. may be for you not to tell her about NC. Just don't contact her. It is painful, but you can't tell what another person is thinking. She may or may not have let go of you. That's not the most important thing. You are the most important person in your life. As for me, I'm trying to give up my ex-gf, releasing her when I start thinking about her. We were friends for 7 months before we became intimate. It makes it both easier and harder to do NC.
  22. My gf and I of 2 1/2 years broke up 3 weeks ago. We talked every day for those 2 1/2 years. I have not initiated NC yet, so I don't want to be hypocritical and advise you to not talk with her. Please try to observe your mental state and energy level if she calls and you answer. I have not decided what to do yet. I miss her. She calls every few days to ask me to do something for her (pick her up at the airport, run errands.) Yet we are supposedly broken-up. I'm very close to telling her not to call me anymore. We each have 1 child from previous relationships/marriages. My kid doesn't want to play with her kid anymore. I've told her this and she keeps pushing me to get my kid to play with her kid. It seems to me that she wants to keep contact for her selfish purposes only. After I told her a week ago what my kid wanted, she hung up on me. Since than she has called me 4 times just to ask me to do something for her! (I've acquiesced, maybe because I feel sorry for her.) My advice to you is don't be afraid to feel the uncertainty of not talking with her. Really feel it. Then try to focus on other things. Think about what in your life (besides her) gives you pleasure. I know that that will be difficult to imagine.
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