Please help me I need advice!

[Shae]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new to this forum. I searched it out because I'm a young stay at home mom (20 years old) and I don't really have many people to talk to about this and about being thrust into this relationship that, in my opinion, is straining under the pressure of an unplanned baby. I got pregnant when I'd known him for two weeks, and don't get me wrong, we love each other a lot and put a lot of dedication and work into our relationship...but I need some help and advice.

 

To begin with, I am a very insecure person, especially when it comes to relationship. I've gotten my heart broken more than my fair share of times, and my last serious relationship before this (lasted two years), I was seriously manipulated, cheated on repeatedly, lied to and stolen from. It's very hard for me to put 100% trust in someone after that. Just a little background info.

 

My current boyfriend and I have been together for a year and we have a three month old daughter. I'm a stay at home mom and he goes to university full time in another city not too far away. We're moving in together in may. This is my problem... first of all, when I was pregnant we got into this fight when he started talking about how easy it would be for him to cheat and that I wouldnt be able to because I was staying at home and was six months pregnant, soon to be a full time caregiver. This made me very upset, because I really didn't know why he was telling me this...was he threatening me, did he think that he could get away with doing whatever he wanted just because he wasn't looking after a baby full time and thereforeeee no one had to know? It really made me question him, and since then I've really felt insecure.

 

So last week he calls me up and tells me that his lab partner makes him "uncomfortable" because she flirts with him. So I say to him, "why dont you tell her you have a girlfriend and a baby?" and he says, "because I kind of like it, to be honest." (!!!!) that made me really sad, so then I said to him... "well, perhaps you do like it, but you are going to have to tell her." and he started saying that he didnt see a reason to tell her, etc etc and I tried to explain to him not only how unfair that is to me but also to her... but truthfully, it isn't me or her I'm worried about, it's him. If he likes it so much and won't agree to tell her he has a family, should I really trust him not to cheat? I feel as though it is a very slippery slope. One minute he likes the attention from her flirting with him, next he agrees to go out for an 'innocent' coffee for a little ego boost, and then... !?

 

I really can't take the heartache ofbeing cheatedon again, especiallynow that I have a daughter involved. How would he feel if he was in my shoes? He thinks I am way over reacting because I told him that if he didn't tell her about me (at the very least, if not about the fact that he's a father) than we would have some problems. Am I just being insecure? It's also hard for me to be so assertive because I don't ever know if I'm in the right... I've had a string of bad boyfriends, and he seems completely devoted to me when we're one on one but I have no clue what he's like the five days of the week that we're apart... he's EXTREMELY needy, and I'm really scared he might take his needs elsewhere (especially now, since I just had a baby and I'm still sore from the perineal tearing)...

 

HELP!!

[Dako]

Sorry you're dealing with so much at once. I hope you recover from childbirth and can enjoy your baby's early development.

 

Your BF is probably a child who needs to grow up. He's the father of a child and is mistreating you by teasing you. You say you both put a lot of dedication into this relationship, but he seems irresponsible.

 

Have you explained to him how his comments make you feel?

He needs a wake-up call.

[Beec]

OK, first insecure does not work well to keep relationships strong. Insecurities are all about being scared, and relationships work well when we have courage.

 

I am and have been with one woman for quite a while, but I still enjoy when I see another woman paying attention to me. I won't do anything with her, but I still like it. For the rest of your life you will like it when a man finds you attractive, and that's not a bad thing.

 

Think about how this could have been handled instead of threatenting him? How about if you had told him that if he told her or let you meet her, you would really make him feel special. It would be you sticking your neck out a bit more and it would require courage, but it is so much more effective than the passive aggressive tactic you choose.

 

For right now, tell him you do not want to talk about it any more, that you just want him to see him and you miss him. Give him love, not passive aggression, and he'll be there for you.

 

Then when he is, then you bring the hammer down. And you tell him what he should and should not do to make you feel special, loved, etc. But you do that by being a little aloof and withdrawing. By letting him know that he needs to be a man and to do what is in your best interests and to make you feel the way you should.

[JoeWho]

I dint think you are being insecure at all. He should not be flirting with other girls and then telling you its no big deal. It is wrong and he seems to have his priorities mixed up. Try having a heart to heart talk with him where you express how it makes you feel when he does and says things like that. Try not to attack him though because he may get very defensive if he feels like you are attacking him.

 

Good luck and congratulations on your new baby!

[Shae]

I understand how it feels good to have someone flirt with you. When I get a chance to go out without the baby (which is rare), I do enjoy the occasional glance and comment dont get me wrong, I understand where thats coming from. But the difference is that when someone does it to me I dont neglect mentioning that I have a family for two months. I will just nonchalantly slip something in about my boyfriend or my daughter, so as not to let it go too far. First of all, I feel like it's unnatural to hide it because it's such a huge part of me, second of all I feel like it's unfair to him and to my boyfriend to hide it, thirdly I feel that if there WAS the tiniest bit of insecurity or the urge to cheat, then the longer I let it continue the harder it would be to stop it.

[EvaGina]

I understand needing an ego boost every now and then, but he has a CHILD now, he doesnt get to think about himself, its all about the kid.

 

Beec's "For right now, tell him you do not want to talk about it any more, that you just want him to see him and you miss him. Give him love, not passive aggression, and he'll be there for you. " is very true

 

Although he may be an immature little prat, you catch more flies with honey, thats not to say you should be a push-over, but he will be more likely t stray if you are being all weepy and depressive when he gets home at night

[hosswhispra]

Your boyfriend is definitely immature in the way that he told you about the girl in the lab. But one positive is that he did tell you about it. If he wanted to, he could have kept that a secret--but he didn't. He comes off a bit insecure, too (e.g., he has to brag that he gets female attention from another girl). It is human to look at other people even when you're with someone. It becomes unacceptable if someone crosses the line though.

[Beec]

Although he may be an immature little prat, you catch more flies with honey, thats not to say you should be a push-over, but he will be more likely t stray if you are being all weepy and depressive when he gets home at night

 

He seems like he is immature and has some growing up to do. However, the bees and flies will chase that honey once they have had a taste of it and want more. Good analogy Eva even if it is heard often, it works. Give him taste of honey, then take it away and make him chase it.

 

In this case, let him know that he made you feel bad and that you don't expect that to happen anymore. And make sure he knows that he needs to always, ALWAYS, do what is in the best interests of his and your family. That's what a good man, father and husband is supposed to do, as is a good woman, wife and mother.

[Shae]

I feel like I did try to deal with it nicely at first, because when he first told me I let him know that I understood that it felt good to have someone interested but if he would please, for my sake, consider letting her know about me. I put it out of my mind after that, and we had an excellent valentines where I cooked him a lovely dinner. Today I asked him after his lab if he had told her, and thats when I realized that being nice like I always am wasn't going to solve it and I'd end up being a pushover...

 

I don't think I could bare suggesting I meet her. I tried that strategy with my ex for this girl he said he used to have a crush on before me... I thought to myself that perhaps instead of appearing insecure and hiding from her, I suggest we all be friends because confidence is sexier right? Well much later into our relationship I found out that he'd been cheating with her all along right under my nose and to this day her face haunts my dreams...

[EvaGina]

-hug-

 

I dont think its nessesary to meet her, I think it would be making a huge deal out of somthing that shouldnt be an issue at all.

By not just not getting a chance to slip it into conversation, but activly REFUSING to tell this girl about you, he is setting up opportunities.

 

Chances are the girl will still flirt with him if he tells her, he will still get his ego boost!!

[Hayles]

I think it's time you just out with it, in my opinion... You need to say to him, "It hurts me that you won't tell her about us, it feels as though you are keeping your options open. You have the security of knowing that I am at home with OUR child 24/7, the only security I have is in the trust that you will do the right thing and tell her about us before this goes on any longer."

By being honest and open, not angry, but showing him that it breaks your heart... you are doing all you can, and unfortunately then, the rest is up to him. If anyone needs some extra attention right now honey, it's you - 'cause being a full time "single" parent as you are while he's at uni does not allow you to do things for you, to make you feel happy and beautiful, he should be doing that... When situations are not ideal and you don't live together etc. he should be going well out of his way to show you both what you mean to him... more so than ever!!

Just be honest, cry, blurt it out, whatever... you need to be heard and taken seriously!

 

Good luck with it all sweetie, I know what it's like, I had my son at 21... and I've always been a single Mum...

[Shae]

So I talked to him again about it tonight and he basically said he'd tell her but he "wouldnt go out of his way". He was asking me if I'm jealous...do you think I am? I think it's more just that I'm scared of being hurt again and scared of not setting boundaries and being walked all over.

 

Basically he was saying how he didnt see it as a big deal because even though they've been talking for two months, they "only see each other 3 hours a week, and we're busy with physics"... but I see it as, ok...yet she found time to flirt with you and you found no time to say four words: "I have a girlfriend"? Am I being immature? It's just that when someone flirts with me, I intercept it when it begins, especially if I'm consciously aware its going on. He says he wouldnt go out of his way to tell her, but to me it seems he was going out of his way not to... he doesnt seem to agree because he says he wasnt hiding anything, it just "didnt come up".

 

Yes I'm glad he agreed to tell her but I still feel it is sort of unresolved because he still feels I am over reacting and I don't feel like I am. I feel like he's agreeing to it just to get me off his back... and to be honest, I don't know if I even trust that he WILL tell her, which is even worse because it means I dont trust him.

 

Iam really afraid for myself right now, because I'm really not sure I will ever completely trust men. Sometimes I get obsessive thoughts about hiring private investigators because i just cant bare the pain... and sometimes it gets so bad that i dont think i can make a relationship work, because i will never be able to return the trust fully. i cant even bare it when he makes a comment about a woman in a movie, i'll sink into despression for days. i used to even have dreams that he did very sexually inappropriate things and sometimes i cant bare him talking sexually because it brings back terrible images in my head.

 

theres not even any real reason for me to suspect that he would cheat on me... i mean yes he is being immature but is that a reason to think he would take it all the way? willi ever trust a man again? do i need help?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

first, he did say some insensitive things to a pregnant and new mother, commenting about flirting with other women. but at the same time, he seems willing to talk to you about it and try to work it out, and may not have realized that he was being so insensitive, so he is not behaving like a total boor, just immature.

 

i don't think that anyone can ever shield someone else from flirting with your partner... and requiring him to announce he is 'taken' to other women is not really necessary from the standpoint if he is committed to you, anyone on the planet could flirt with him, but he would never take it any farther than a little joking, nor accept a date, nor do anything else inappropriate or cheating.

 

so focusing on him telling this one girl that he is taken won't make you feel any more secure, because there will always be other women out there, and many will flirt, so your worry could just rove from woman to another as he meets them or you become aware of them at a party or however.

 

so really, the issue is between you and him and 'warning' other women off is not the answer. nor is your meeting this other girl, what would be the purpose of that? i think it would just make everyone uncomfortable, and she is just a school classmate so i don't get the point of why anyone would suggest you two meet up. and becoming 'aloof' to try to make him chase you is game playing, which could alone strain the relationship further, so i don't recommend it.

 

please try to have conversations with him about what you do and don't think is appropriate in terms of flirtations or friendship with people of the opposite sex, and how it is scaring you and hurting your feeling if he talks about flirting with other women, especially if you are a new mother at home with a baby. talk about how much flirting is too much in your mind, and how he shouldn't tease you about other women when you are feeling insecure. if you approach it from how it makes you feel distant from him, rather than a blaming and accusing stance, the conversation would probably go much better.

 

there are no guarantees in life, but living with no trust in your partner is pretty much torture, so you need to try to balance your fears against the reality of how he is behaving. he doesn't deserve the third degree every time he comes home,and you don't deserve to feel like he is out flirting up a storm and coming home to tell you about it. so that is where talking and negotiation comes in.

 

if worry about his potential infidelity is so strong that you can't enjoy your interactions with him, then you might consider counseling to understand why you feel that way. if you worry too much, it could become a self fulfilling prophesy, where you become so tense and possessive it makes him uncomfortable too... so please try to work things out with him...

 

being a young parent is hard for both of you and an adjustment, especially if it was an unexpected pregnancy early in a relationship, but i think for your daughter's sake you should try to work it out between you, with joint counseling, or counseling for yourself if you are worried about it all the time.

 

best of luck, it sounds like he is willing to work with you, and did not abandon you when you got pregnant like lots of men do, so i think he is definitely willing to try to make a family with you. use that as your foundation for trust, and work up from there...

[Shae]

 

i don't think that anyone can ever shield someone else from flirting with your partner... and requiring him to announce he is 'taken' to other women is not really necessary from the standpoint if he is committed to you, anyone on the planet could flirt with him, but he would never take it any farther than a little joking, nor accept a date, nor do anything else inappropriate or cheating.

 

 

its not about me having to shield her from flirting with him per se, although I do admit it sometimes makes me unhealthily uncomfortable since it plays on my insecurities. But in this case... I mean I know she might still flirt with him after the fact, but its more about the fact that he seemed so unwilling to tell her and that he put it off so long. I don't have a problem with the fact that this girl flirted in the first place, but it was how he handled it, that he let it continue for so long that worried me. And it's not that I want him to walk around with a big "taken" sign on his chest (hell, i know some women may even like the challenge), but that i just want a little respect here. I'm at home changing poopy diapers, covered in spit up with a headache from a colicky baby and he's out flirting it up with his lab partner? I don't think so.

[Shae]

Newest Update:

 

Okay so we just got into a huge fight over this on the phone. I HATE to go to bed in the middle of a fight. He just doesn't seem to understand why it would hurt me so much and is really angry that I'm over reacting and that I don't trust him... he doesnt relate at all to the "put yourself in my shoes" strategy. I mean he cant understand that if he was the one stuck at home with no social life and I was leading some guy on that he'd be upset too? How can I make him understand? The more I try to explain, the more I appear completely insecure. Now he is completely turned off because he says I'm way too insecure...i want to be confident but its hard.

 

He keeps telling me that there is no time to socialize in these labs and that it wasnt like she was outright flirting but just a general feeling he gets... and so i said to him, well then you didnt make that clear, and then im NOT over reacting because in my mind you made it seem like you two were flirting it up and not giving a damn, but if you are really being truthful and there really isnt that much going on then there isnt as much of a problem as i thought....either that or he changed his story. i dont know what to think now. I've never heard him speak in this tone...

[Caterina]

I don't know why you don't just put your foot down. It sounds like by him telling you that he knows the right thing to do but he is waiting for you to put him in his place.

[n83]

Honey, everyone else on this thread might completely disagree with me, but I think this is more than just insecurity per se.

 

First of all, if a guy was flirting with me, I wouldn't tell my boyfriend about it. There would be nothing to tell. I wouldn't let it get out of hand, and I wouldn't go around flaunting it in my boyfriend's face only to turn around and yell at him for being "jealous".

 

I think if he cared about your feelings even remotely, he would handle his business like a man (ie tell the girl he's taken) and not even mention it to you, because there's nothing to mention. He sounds tactless and immature, and in no way do I think you're being overly insecure. In fact, I think you're handling it pretty well, considering the circumstances. I know that if I was dealing with this personally, I'd have called him out on his bs and dumped the dude long ago. I think your gut instincts are trying to clue you in about what kind of person you're dealing with.

[sophie274]

I agree with n83.

 

It's a bit weird he went out of his way to tell you that she was flirting with him all the time ...

 

I think it's is contradictory that he is telling you it's not a big deal/she's not really flirting, but is refusing to just casually mention he has a girlfriend, and a child! The fact that it hasn't come up yet also makes me think he has purposefully avoided telling her - it seems like his family is something that would come up easily ("what did you do this week-end", "what did you do for christmas" "where are you living", etc ...).

 

It sounds like he is craving attention. Maybe the fact that he is "tied down" - established with a family, etc - has made him panic a bit. I don't think you are going to be able to accomplish much with this issue - you can't MAKE him tell her, I guess, nor can you prevent them from seeing each other - but I would advise that you get him to see a counselor with you so he can properly understand how you feel. You could also try moving closer to his school, if that is a possibility, so that you feel more included in his life. You could also try getting a regular babysitter, so that YOU could have a social life on the side.

[Hayles]

Is there much possibility that BF could be sort of setting you up in a round about fashion, to make you the 'bad guy', the out of control jealous one... so that he comes out of this looking like an angel when he does take it to the next level? Maybe on a subconscious level???

[Shae]

Thanks, everyone, for all your help and advice.

Sorry I havent updated in a while. What ended up happening was that I discussed all of this with him and he did end up telling her. We argued for a long time afterwards though about me making such a huge deal and that he "wasnt hiding anything"- bs. he said "if you see a person every 7 days for 3 hours, for 6 weeks and all u do for three hours is work on physics, ur not going to have time to talk about your personallife." and so i say,"but yet she found time to flirt with you? when someone flirt with me i find the time... like last time it happened, and at the first time it was clear this guy was flirting... yes it felt good and i held onto that feeling... but i followed it up right away with something about you. i just feel like if i could tell that guy within 20 minutes of meeting him about how great YOU are, how come he cant do it in seven weeks?"

after that, he admitted that he could have said it sooner.

so now what? it's great he admitted he made a mistake, but i still have a bad taste in my mouth. yeah, i used to dump guys who gave me this sort of BS, but he is the father of my child... i cant give up on that. i went through five divorces as a child.

[Beec]

Now, you try and forgive him. And move past this. He made a mistake and admitted it. It should be done with.

[ghost69]

i think you have major trust issues. he is with you isn't he?